NewsRadio Quotations

NewsRadio was an American sitcom, originally broadcast from 1995 to 1999 by NBC.

Radio Station (Pilot) [1.1]

Beth: Fire him as soon as he walks out that door.

Dave: Excuse me?

Beth: Fire him right here, right now, in front of everyone. Trust me, it will help you down the line. You're not exactly establishing yourself as an authority figure with the staff.

Bill: She's right, you know.

Beth: It's like, you know how they say when it's your first day in prison, you should act crazy and beat someone with a chair so nobody will mess with you?

Dave: I've never actually heard that before, Beth.

Dave: Why? Because I'm the boss Bill, that's why! That's why Bill. And I will not be manipulated, I will not be contradicted, and I will not be intimidated!

Bill: Well, I didn't realize you were a man of such strong conviction. Of such deeply felt moral tenacity, of such remarkable centeredness...

Dave: Alright Bill, I'm not going to be sucked-up to either.

Bill: Well, you've eliminated all my options. All that's left is backstabbing.

Inappropriate [1.2]

[Beth finds out that Dave and Lisa made out]

Beth: Dave, there is no avoiding it. When you make out with a co-worker, you have an ugly scene in the office and then the next thing you know, I am at home crying my eyes out because I'm afraid to come into work the next morning!

Dave: We're not talking about me anymore, are we?

Beth: No we're not, Dave, we're talking about me now.

Dave: You and, uh...

Beth: The Fed-Ex guy.

Dave: We don't use Fed-Ex.

Beth: Not anymore.

Mr. James: Boy, I love a good party. You love a good party Joe?

Joe: That's why I went to college sir. That's also why I didn't graduate.

Mr. James: Yeah, me neither. So what? Didn't stop me from building a million dollar empire, didn't stop you from becoming a... what do you do again?

Joe: I'm an electrician.

Mr. James: Well, things were different in my day.

Smoking [1.3]

Dave: I just had no idea that the Patch could have side effects.

Bill: And I had no idea you're only supposed to wear one at a time.

Dave: How many were you wearing?

Bill: Fifteen, sixteen. I sort of stuck them all around my waist like a belt.

Dave: Mr. James, I didn't see you come in.

Mr. James: Yeah, that’s the way I like it. Like, uh, that magician guy. What’s his name?...

Dave: David Copperfield?

Mr. James: No.

Dave: Siegfried?

Mr. James: No.

Dave: Roy?

Mr. James: That's the one.

The Crisis [1.4]

Dave: Listen up, everybody, this is what we're going to do.

Bill: Standard subway crisis. We know what to do, Dave.

Dave: I didn't know there was a standard procedure for this.

Bill: Oh, sure. We send a reporter to the scene, he asks the transit police if he can go in the tunnel, they say no, he says okay, I go on the air every eight minutes and say, "Still no news on that disabled train." Business as usual. Let's do it, people!

Dave: Actually, Bill, if I might, I'd like to try something a little different this time, okay?

Bill: Okay, how about this? Send reporter, transit police, tunnel-no-okay, me on air every seven minutes, blah, blah, blah. Let's do it, people!

Dave: I made a small error in judgment.

Mr. James: A small error in judgment. What exactly would that be, Dave? Would that be Matthew's desk, or the dinner with Matthew, or the dinner with Lisa or the second dinner with Lisa?

Dave: Okay, I may have made three or four small errors in judgment.

Mr. James: No, they weren't errors, Dave. They were decisions and that's your job. No, the only error I see is that you're letting your people push you around and make you second-guess your decisions.

Dave: Of course, you're right.

Mr. James: And now you're letting me do it. Want my advice?

Dave: Yes.

Mr. James: Well, I'm not gonna give it to you.

Big Day [1.5]

[Matthew is worried he's going to get "The Shaft" - a bonus of zero dollars.]

Bill: Say Joe, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine for all the chicks?

Joe: Bill, I think that would be Shaft.

[Matthew notices and looks up]

Bill: And who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?

Joe: Again Bill, we're talkin' 'bout Shaft.

Bill: Damn right.

Joe: You know, they say that cat Shaft is one bad mother-

Matthew: Shut up you guys!

Mr. James: [entering] Hey what's goin' on?

Bill: We're just talking about Shaft.

Mr. James: I can dig it.

Beth: Okay, now I assume you're giving Lisa the Big Bonus, right? I mean in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?

Dave: No, no I am not. I mean, just because Lisa and I are dating, that doesn't mean I'm going to give her the Big Bonus.

Beth: Oooh. You do know that Lisa is absolutely certain she's getting the big bonus, don't you Dave?

Dave: Oh?

Beth: Yeah.

Dave: Oh...Okay, Beth, would you get Lisa for me?

Beth: [yelling] Lisa, Dave wants you! [to Dave] You're not going to give her The Shaft, are you Dave? I mean in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?

Luncheon at the Waldorf [1.6]

Dave: Sir, it's about the budget.

Mr. James: The budget? Don't I pay someone else to think about that?

Dave: That would be me.

Mr. James: Well then why am I thinking about it? You know you're not giving me much bang for my buck here Dave.

Dave: Alright, look Beth. I know you've had a rough day, I know this has been very hard on you, and I know you've heard this before but I'm gonna say it again because it's important, alright? You do not have to subscribe in order to be eligible for the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes.

Beth: You are so naive Dave.

Sweeps Week [1.7]

Bill: Do you have a special lady in your life?

Dave: No.

Bill: I'm sorry, that was presumptuous of me. Do you have a special person in your life?

[Catherine interviews Tom P. Baxter, "business visionary"]

Catherine: I realize no one can actually predict the future, but I understand you have a unique insight into where we might be headed as we approach the turn of the century.

Tom: Yeah I do. As I see it Catherine, the future of business, well the future of this country in fact is... computers.

Catherine: Computers. Okay, would you care to elaborate on that?

Tom: Oh, you bet! I think computers are great! You can keep records on them, play games, they're, well they're like magic.

Catherine: Uh-huh...

Tom: I mean I don't have one yet. But I'm gonna get one, you better believe that.

Catherine: What exactly do you do for a living Tom?

Tom: Well I'm between things right now, but all that's gonna change just as soon as I get a computer!

No, This is Not Based Entirely on Julie's Life [2.1]

Lisa: Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?

[Long pause]

Dave: [into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...

[Beth shows Bill a nude photo of herself, disguised with a paper bag so he won't recognize her]

Beth: Bill, what do you think of this photo?

Bill: Who is that?

Beth: Oh, it's a friend of mine doing a thesis at NYU, it's a fine arts program.

Bill: Uh-huh. Well it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA I'd give her five or six grand.

Beth: Well Bill do you think it's sexy?

Bill: Well I don't really think that's germane to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.

Beth: Thank you Bill.

[Bill walks over to Matthew]

Bill: Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.

Goofy Ball [2.2]

Mr. James: You're sleeping with the boss now Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.

Lisa: Yes, I do sir.

Mr. James: What about you Dave, you know what they think about Paul McCartney.

Dave: You mean John Lennon.

Mr. James: No, people liked him.

Mr. James: You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, "You can't expect the troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant."

Dave: (confused) What... what branch of the service were you in sir?

Rat Funeral [2.3]

Dave: But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting?

Catherine: Oh, he's cute Dave. Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.

Lisa, Beth: And Fig Newtons!

Dave: [faking a laugh] Aw gosh, [turning serious] does anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague?

Bill: You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square.

Dave: Bill, I worked in Milwaukee, you know. It's a city with a population of a million people.

Bill: So that must have been quite a hubbub when that cow got loose!

The Breakup [2.4]

Catherine: If you ever broadcast my age over the air again I will beat you to death with your own microphone!

Bill: [laughing] You may be 36, but you still have all the spark and sass of a 35 year old!

Mr. James: Hey Dave.

Dave: Hey Mr. James.

Mr. James: Something troubling you?

Dave: Yeah.

Mr. James: Work related?

Dave: No.

Mr. James: Girl?

Dave: Yeah.

Mr. James: Lisa?

Dave: Between you and me?

Mr. James: Yes.

Dave: Yes.

Mr. James: Problem?

Dave: Big fight.

Mr. James: Due to?

Dave: Argument.

Mr. James: Issue?

Dave: Temper.

Mr. James: Hers?

Dave: Mine.

Mr. James: Hit her?

Dave: No!

Mr. James: Throw something?

Dave: No.

Mr. James: Call her a name?

Dave: Yes.

Mr. James: What?

Dave: B-word.

Mr. James: Bitch?

Dave: Yes.

Mr. James: Hot dog, now you're talkin'!

The Shrink [2.5]

[Bill sets up a cubicle around his desk]

Dave: Have you thought about how this will make you co-workers feel?

Bill: Actually, one of the great things about the cubicle is not having to think about my co-workers at all.

Dave: You slept with your therapist? --

Lisa: No!

Dave: Your therapist?

Lisa: No he wasn't my therapist. I would never sleep with my therapist. He was my professor!

Dave: You slept with your professor?!

Lisa: Yeah.

Dave: I mean, isn't that illegal, and disgusting?

Lisa: Illegal? No. Inappropriate? Yes. Disgusting? Mmm...Hardly.

Friends [2.6]

Dave: She steal your high school sweetheart or something?

Beth: Oh yeah, of course, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail king man!... But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart.

[Mr. James puts a heart shaped box in the paper shredder.]

Mr. James: Ahh, shreddin' a heart. If that's not a metaphor for... something, I don't know what is.

Bill's Autobiography [2.7]

Bill: What's interesting about radio?

Dave: Well I think it's a fascinating medium.

Bill: You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you!

Lisa: I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everybody spends their whole day thinking about Bill McNeal.

Bill: You're a true source of comfort, Lisa.

Negotiation [2.8]

Lisa: Every Christmas my family sends out this newsletter, you know, and it's all about what my brothers and I have been doing, blah-di-blah blah blah.

Dave: You know my mom does that too.

Lisa: Really? Does your mom have her newsletter professionally typeset with full color photographs by a former art director of Vanity Fair?

Dave: No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids faces and pastes them on reindeer bodies... But we like it!

Mr. James: Melanie, I'm single, you're single, what do you say we get married?

Melanie: Well I'm glad you finally decided on the direct approach.

Mr. James: Yeah, well I'm a businessman at heart.

Melanie: As am I. What's your offer?

Mr. James: Single rich male seeks matrimony.

Melanie: Primary residence?

Mr. James: Westchester County.

Melanie: Would you be open to considering a secondary residence in Manhatten?

Mr. James: Central Park West?

Melanie: South.

Mr. James: Done. Time spent together.

Melanie: Eight hours, five days a week.

Mr. James: Seven hours, twelve hours weekends.

Melanie: Fifty-five hours aggregate, specifics to be determined later.

Mr. James: I'm amenable to that. Children.

Melanie: One.

Mr. James: Three.

Melanie: Two.

Mr. James: Done. But one of them has to be a male.

Melanie: I'll see what I can do. Vacations.

Mr. James: December, Hawaii.

Melanie: June. The Vineyard.

Mr. James: June fine, but Hawaii.

Melanie: Nope the Vineyard.

Mr. James: Is that a deal breaker for you?

Melanie: I'm afraid so.

Mr. James: Me too. Well we gave it a shot.

The Cane [2.9]

Bill: I'll leave, but first I'm looking out that window.

Dave: Bill you're gonna feel pretty stupid when it's not out there.

Bill: It's out there... I know it's out there...

Dave: Bill...

Bill: Yes Dave...

Dave: [Grinning] I stole your cane.

[Dave pulls the cane from off the window sill]

Dave: I'm sorry Bill, I don't know why I did it, and again, I'm sorry Bill.

Bill: That is the most childish immature thing I've ever seen you do.

Dave: No, this is...

[Dave breaks the cane in half]

Dave: ...ahh, but you knew I was gonna do that.

Bill: No, that one caught me by surprise.

Bill: The eyes are the window to the skull, my friend.

Dave: Soul.

Bill: For those who have one, yes.

Xmas Story [2.10]

Bill: I have a problem, can we talk in your office?

Dave: Sure.

Bill: Thanks, and for Pete's sake, take that off, it makes you look like a 12 year old...[takes hat off] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was the hat.

[The Santa in the lobby has been threating to kill Bill]

Bill: Why are you doing this to me?

Santa: Do I have your complete attention Bill McNeal?

Bill: Yes!

Santa: Good. [Takes off the Santa hat and beard] My name's Sam Belford. I'm a communications major trying to break into broadcasting. I know this is kind of a silly stunt, but you won't soon be forgetting the name Sam Belford, am I right? And now I'd like to present you with a copy of my demo tape.

Bill: You did all this to get me to listen to your demo tape?

Santa: Yes.

Bill: You're gonna go places in this business son!

Station Sale [2.11]

Lisa: Okay, so the most important thing to remember is that we stick together, right? We are a unit. They take all of us, or they take none of us.

Bill: [walking in] Okay people, let's go to Plan B. It's every man for himself!

Lisa: Listen to me. The last thing we need right now is a power struggle.

Bill: Absolutely, I'm with you.

Lisa: Good.

Bill: All those in favor of maintaining a unified front stay here, those of you who'd like to join my splinter group meet me in the men's room in five minutes.

Mr. James: It's almost 12:00. Is anybody gonna try to talk me out of this?

Matthew: Nope. Cause we don't have to.

Mr. James: Why is that Matthew?

Matthew: Well, because I took the liberty of turning the clock back ten minutes, it is actually 12:05, which means you missed your midnight deadline... yes!

Mr. James: Matthew, that 12:00 was just a loose guideline. I'm dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies.

Bitch Session [2.12]

Dave: Any inappropriate expenditures will be deducted from your salary in the future.

Beth: That is going too far.

Dave: No, taking a cab to New Jersey and back is going too far.

Beth: That was radio-related business.

Dave: There are plenty of places in Manhattan to buy a radio.

Beth: Dave, it was a 43% off sale. Apparently, the guy who owned the place went crazy and was slashing prices.

Dave: Well I may go crazy and slash paychecks if I see another receipt like that.

Mr. James: Dave, you're the boss. You're supposed to be thick-skinned.

Dave: I'm plenty thick-skinned.

Mr. James: Oh yeah, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out...

[Mr. James puts his hand above a lit candle.]

Dave: Sir, you really don't have to do that to impress me.

Mr. James: You wanna know the secret?

Dave: Wild guess... thick skin?

Mr. James: Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it 15, 16 times it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.

In Through The Out Door [2.13]

Dave: Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.

The Song Remains The Same [2.14]

Dave: You're telling me you don't want to go to New Hampshire because... your cats will kill you?

Matthew: It's called responsibility, David. Wake up and sniff it.

Dave: By the way, you'll be happy to hear that you're going to New Hampshire after all.

Lisa: How come Matthew's not going?

Dave: Well, apparently if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes, his cats start plotting against him.

Lisa: And people say you're whipped.

Zoso [2.15]

Beth: Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there?

Jimmy: Nah, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurrence.

Houses of The Holy [2.16]

Beth: Theo makes me think he's doing one thing but he's really doing something else. He's just like every other guy I've dated except he uses props.

Physical Graffiti [2.17]

Bill: Dave, don't worry about it. You know what they say: "Mighty oaks from little acorns grow."

Dave: ...Thanks, Bill. Do you get all your lines from fortune cookies?

[A short while later]

Bill: Envy not that which not need be possessed.

Dave: Thanks, Bill.

Bill: Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and family. That one doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's always stuck with me.

Presence [2.19]

Lisa: Cards aren't a game of luck. They're a game of strategy, statistics, probability, and money management.

Led Zeppelin II [2.21]

Joe: Can I talk to you for a minute?

Dave: It better be good and it better be fast!

Lisa: I was just about to say that.

President [3.1]

Jimmy: I am a cipher, a cipher wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.

[Lisa is planning to expose Mr. James]

Dave: All right, well, let's not go overboard. Let's try to remember that at heart, Mr. James is a decent person.

Lisa: Yes, they're all decent persons, Dave, but once a man throws his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist to make him my bitch.

Review [3.2]

Jimmy: Bill seems happy with 'adequate.'

Catherine: Bill thinks having a bird crap on him is a compliment from the gods!

Beth: That must be so demeaning, just getting coffee for people all day... Wait a minute...

Massage Chair [3.3]

Jimmy: If I increased the budget every time morale was low, the guys in my asbestos factory would be driving around solid gold Cadillacs by now.

Jimmy: You think if Hunchback of Notre Dame was running a deficit, Micky Mouse would jump in and bail him out?

Dave: What about Scrooge McDuck? He's the one with all the money.

Jimmy: Nah, ducks hate hunchbacks.

Arcade [3.4]

Dave: Maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.

Bill: No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12:41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.

Dave: Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?

Bill: I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.

Dave: No it hasn't.

Bill: Yes it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!

Dave: You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?

Bill: Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?

Dave: Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.

Bill: I did!

Bill: They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden day, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.

Lisa: In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.

Bill: All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.

Halloween [3.5]

Matthew: I took third place in the costume contest last year.

Dave: Really? What was your costume?

Matthew: Motorcycle enthusist.

Joe: Gay biker.

Lisa: The problem is you look better in my dress than I do.

Dave: What?

Lisa: You do. I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.

Dave: No. I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue.

Daydream [3.7]

Dave: Joe, why don't you just call in a specialist?

Joe: I am a specialist.

Dave: At what?

Joe: At everything.

Stocks [3.9]

Jimmy: Oh, honeybunch, if life was fair there wouldn't be rich people.

Matthew: Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it... a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.

Dave: I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.

Matthew: Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.

Dave: Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.

The Trainer [3.11]

Lisa: You're Canadian?

Mr. James: I am?

Lisa: Not you, sir. Him.

Mr. James: Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you Dave?

Dave: Yeah.

Lisa: Then what is this all about?

Dave: What's what all ab- uh What's what?

Lisa: You're afraid to say it, aren't you.

Dave: No.

Lisa: Yes, you are.

Dave: No.

Lisa: Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide say "about".

Dave: No.

Lisa: Say it.

Dave: No.

Lisa: Say "out".

Dave: No.

Lisa: House. Couch.

Dave: Your honour, I plead the fifth.

Lisa: I don't know if you have that right.

Dave: I do too, eh.

Mr. James: Oh my God.

Dave: Well, you've got me, alright? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian. And I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.

Rap [3.12]

Bill: It's not garbage. It's rap music. And I love it. The pulsating rhythms, raw bass line. This stuff speaks to me in places I didn't even know I had ears.

Jimmy: And free advertising, well that's something you just can't buy.

Led Zeppelin Boxed Set [3.13]

Bill: Another time I was cut from the high school football team. And my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback, but the McNeal's have gained a daughter".

Bill: You wouldn't know tough love if it stripped you to your jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain.

Complaint Box [3.14]

[Reading cards from the complaint box]

Dave: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."

Joe: Hey.

Dave: [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."

Lisa: I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.

Dave: Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.

[continues reading the complaint cards]

Dave: Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."

Bill, Beth, Lisa, Matthew, Joe: SHAFT.

Bill: I thought we'd all enjoy that.

Dave: [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

Kids [3.16]

Dave: Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?

Joe: Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!

Joe: Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?

Bill: Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-

Dave: Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.

Bill: Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.

Airport [3.17]

Dave: Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"

Bill: Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"

Dave: Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?

Bill: Have you ever heard the expression that only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?

Our Fiftieth Episode [3.20]

Catherine: Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution.

Bill: And I've never felt freer.

Dave: Bill, these people are insane.

Bill: Oh, really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?

Sleeping [3.21]

Dave: [to Mr. James] Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."

Dave: Can't you ever just be sincere and normal?

Bill: In real life? No.

Dave: What do you mean, in real life?

Bill: On the radio I open up completely, really bare my soul.

Dave: You do news, traffic, and weather.

Bill: But I mean it.

The Real Deal [3.22]

Dave: According to these numbers, when Bill's show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.

Joe: There is a very specific way you deal with a woman like that. You get down on your hands and knees and beg her to have sex with you.

Mistake [3.23]

Brent: I like to try to categorize people by the animal they could be if they tried a little harder.

Joe: Look, man, I don't care what you say about me, but making fun of alien technology is just stupid.

Space [3.24]

Catherine: (reading the news) Tragedy struck today in Sector 9 as rebel terrorists blew up the Death Star killing thousands. The Rebel Alliance, a fringe group of Anti-Empire fanatics, has claimed responsibility for the terrorist act. Fortunately Lord Vader escaped without harm. Our hearts go out to the families of the victims.

Joe: No matter how far technology advances it's still just a bunch of wires connected to other wires.

Beth: So what's wrong with it?

Joe: I can't seem to find any wires.

Jumper [4.1]

Joe: I'm rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.

Bill: What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for?

Mike: In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.

Bill: Handcuffs are made of steel.

Mike: So are scissors!!

Planbee [4.2]

Mr. James: Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles.

Lisa: You're half naked!

Matthew: An optimist would say I'm half dressed.

The Public Domain [4.3]

Matthew: Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.

Dave: You have to have patient, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.

Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part.

Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were you fired in the first place.

Super Karate Monkey Death Car [4.4]

Mr. James: So I got to thinking, why not have it translated from Japanese back into English.

Dave: Well, it seems to work for VCR instruction manuals.

Joe: Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?

Lisa: I broke into a library.

Beth: To vandalize it?

Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.

French Diplomacy [4.5]

Bill: Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?

Mr. James: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants.

Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show [4.8]

Beth: My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.

Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!

Look Who's Talking [4.10]

Lisa: Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!

Dave: No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?

Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!

Joe: Dude, you can't adopt a baby.

Bill: Why not?

Joe: Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.

Chock [4.11]

Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say "I never liked you. Get lost."

Bill: It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."

Who's The Boss: Part 2 [4.13]

Mr. James: Spare me. If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.

[Dave and Lisa are campaigning for the Program Manager's job, which neither one of them wants]

Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.

Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.

Bill: [nodding, impressed] Good answer.

Security Door [4.14]

Dave: No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony you're all out to get me!

Dave: Of course, Matthew. If a wizard casts a spell on us...

Big Brother [4.15]

Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.

Lisa: That's true. Which is sad. But still.

Beep, Beep [4.16]

Dave: I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.

Joe: You want me to kill him?

Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car the investigation might not be that aggressive.

Balloon [4.17]

Beth: But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?

Mr. James: Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."

Copy Machine [4.18]

Mr. James: Dave, please, I don't think now's the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi.

Monster Rancher [4.19]

Bill: Corporate America is finally realizing what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!

Sinking Ship [4.22]

Dave: There are things in this life worth fighting for.

Lisa: Love?

Dave: No, coffee. Do you have any?

Lisa: Love?

Dave: Coffee.

Mr. James: This ship is unsinkable!

Joe: The hull alone is held together with over two hundred feet of duct-tape.

Mr. James: I thought we were going with steel for the hull.

Joe: Steel's not waterproof.

s3e17 - Airport

Bill: Don't try to confuse me with the half truths and gorilla dust

Dave: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they'd just get together and push me.

Cast

Dave Nelson - Dave Foley
Jimmy James - Stephen Root
Matthew Brock - Andy Dick
Lisa Miller - Maura Tierney
Beth - Vicki Lewis
Joe Garelli - Joe Rogan
Catherine Duke - Khandi Alexander
Bill McNeal - Phil Hartman
Max Louis - Jon Lovitz

Quoternity