Northern Exposure Quotations

Northern Exposure was an American dramatic-comedy television series. Set in remote (and fictional) Cicely, Alaska, the show focused on Joel Fleischman, a big-city physician trying to cope with small-town Alaskan life.

Pilot [1.01]

Joel: I don't don't like it - I hate it! And I demand to leave! … Well that is because you are not the one who is supposed to spend the next 4 years of his life in this Godforsaken hole in the wall, pigsty with a bunch of dirty, psychotic rednecks!

Maurice: When I heard we had a crack at a Jew doctor from New York City.. well, I don't have to tell you I jumped. You boys do outstanding work.

Joel: [to Maggie after a few beers] You're kinda pretty in a like, clean sort of way.

Brains, Know-How and Native Intelligence [1.02]

Chris: Months later as I sat in a juvenile detention home rereading those poems that had opened up the artist in me I was blindsided by the raging fist of my incarcerator who informed me that Walt Whitman's homoerotic unnatural pornographic sentiments were unacceptable and would not be allowed in an institution dedicated to reforming the ill formed.

Ed: He is a doctor.

Joel: Oh really? Which kind?

Ed: Witch.

Joel: Which which?

Ed: Which what?

Joel: Which doctor?

Ed: Right.

Ed: [to Joel] Indians don't knock. It's rude.

Soapy Sanderson [1.03]

Maggie: All you care about is you, and New York, and your precious career!

Joel: Look, Mother Theresa. I did not get off the plane and say that I am Marcus Welby, kindly physician, and all around swell guy! Okay!?! I was fully prepared to do my time in Anchorage, but I am contractually bound to this tundra under false pretenses and against my will. So if I resort to some unscrupulous practices to right a greater wrong, look, where's Amnesty International when it comes to Joel Fleischman?!?

Maurice: Chris, you play this crap at 6 in the morning and you'll be looking down so many barrels, you'll think you landed in an NRA convention.

Maggie: A man, a dead man, puts you in his will, and naturally you would think there's some ulterior motive.

Joel: I don't like people committing suicide. All the ethical considerations aside, it's just plain bad for business.

Chris: Soapy once told me that the thing he loved most about country music was its sense of myth. There’s heroes and villains, good and bad, right and wrong. The protagonists strolls into bar, which he sees as a microcosm of the big picture. He contemplates his existence and he asks himself, 'Who's that babe in the red dress?'

Ed: I don't think you should bug Dr. Fleischman because he's from New York, and they have a thing about paparazzi.

Chris: [to Joel] Well, you know the way I see it, if you're here for four more years or four more weeks, you're here right now. You know, and I think when you're somewhere you ought to be there, and because it's not about how long you stay in a place. It's about what you do while you're there, and when you go is that place any better for you having been there?

Dreams, Schemes and Putting Greens [1.04]

Shelly: [to Holling] You may think that because you're so much older than me you know more about the world. Well in some cases that may be. But I read magazines! I watch TV! I know how people are supposed to treat each other.

Ruth-Anne: That's the most beautiful non-ceremony I ever saw.

Sex, Lies and Ed's Tape [1.06]

Shelly: Cuz, if I can't count on you when something as piddly as a husband pops up, what happens when the really big stuff hits?

Maggie: Let me tell you something, buster, you might not be dying, but you're gone.

A Kodiak Moment [1.07]

Joel: Listen folks, I hate to cut this short, but we have to fly. So before we go, are there any questions, something you'd like to ask a doctor?

Woman: How will I know when it's time [to give birth]?

Joel: Trust me, all mothers show up.

Shelly: [to Holling] Whether you shoot Jessie or he mauls you, I want to be there by your side.

The Aurora Borealis [1.08]

Bernard: Those Northern Lights are some kind of weird psychic, something?

Chris: Yeah.

Bernard: What causes them to do that?

Chris: Well, this is just my guess, but I think that high speed electrons and protons from the sun are trapped in the van Allen radiation belt. Then they're channeled through the Polar Regions by the earth's magnetic field where they collide with other particles and create a brilliant luminosity.

Bernard: What does that have to do with us?

Chris: I swear man, I don't know.

Bernard: Excuse me.

Joel: Yeah?

Bernard: Where am I?

Joel: You know, I've been asking myself that same question since I got here. I finally figured out we're somewhere between the end of the line and the middle of nowhere.

Bernard: Where is that on the map?

Chris: Whenever there’s a new moon looming on the horizon, I’ll inevitably get a call from someone saying, ‘Hey Chris, how bout that sucker.’ And, I’ll usually say something cordial like, ‘Oh yeah, it’s a marvelous night for a moon dance,’ or ‘I wonder what old Sun Young Moon is up to tonight.’ But, knowing how we’ve been tossing and turning these past few nights for fear of where our dreams may be taking us, I’m not about to pretend that that man, in that moon, has our best interests at heart. No way, he’s too much of a kidder. So until the big fellow packs his bag and hits the road put away those sharp utensils and stay close to your love ones, if you’re lucky enough to have any. I’ll see you in the morning, folks, or the moonlight, whichever one comes first.

The Big Kiss [2.02]

Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked into your life. You fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity.

The Bumpy Road To Love [3.01]

Maggie: Men can only think of one thing. The joystick. Is it big enough, and where can they put it?

Maggie: Ok. Sex is fine. Sex is good. Sex is GREAT! Okay, okay, we need men for sex... Do we need so many?

A-Hunting We Will Go [3.08]

Chris: Hey Joel, you ever have had a pure moment? A moment of direct insight into the divine nature? Happened to me once in prison. Guess I’d been in about a month. One night I chugalugged six hits of potato home brew while watching a strobe candle. I separated, man. I drifted up, circled the pen twice.

Dateline: Cicely [3.11]

Chris: Rain usually makes me feel mellow. Curl up in the corner time, slow down, smell the furniture. Today it just makes me feel wet. What is it about possessing things? Why do we feel the need to own what we love, and why do we become jerks when we do? We've all been there--you want something, to possess it. By possessing something you lose it. You finally win the girl of your dreams, the first thing you do is change her. The little things she does with her hair, the way she wears her clothes or the way she chews her gum. Pretty soon what you like, what you changed, what you don't like, blends together like a watercolor in the rain.

It Happened In Juneau [3.21]

Bernard: As you may know, I spent the last three months in Africa. A wondrous, magical place. But as shadows lengthen across the KBHR window, thoughts turn to homecoming. Journey's end. Because in a sense, it's the coming back, the return which gives meaning to the going forth. We really don't know where we've been until we've come back to where we were. Only, where we were may not be as it was because of who we've become. Which is, after all, why we left.

Cicely [3.23]

Ned: One person can have a profound effect on another. And two people...well, two people can work miracles. They can change a whole town. They can change the world.

Duets [4.13]

Ed: Pete…I think you should know that I'm…I'm…I'm…I'm…I'm…

Pete: You're what, Ed?

Ed: Uh, kind of thirsty.

Grosse Pointe, 48230 [4.14]

Joel: You're right. You've got yourself a regular looney bin here. It's absolutely incredible that you survived. I guess you're made of something.

Elizabeth Stowe: Poor Jane, always getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

Elizabeth Stowe: Jeffy, why the sour puss?

Pearl McCaffrey: Stephi left Jeffy.

Elizabeth Stowe: Stephi left Jeffy?

Eunice McCaffrey: She forgot her mittens.

Elizabeth Stowe: Oh. Remind me to send her a thank-you note.

Learning Curve [4.15]

Joel: I'll be in my office should a patient choose to darken our door.

Ill Wind [4.16]

Chris: They say it's an ill wind that bloweth no man to good. I think our own Dr. Joel Fleischman will attest to that. For those of you who missed it, Maggie scored a one round decision over Dr. Fleischman last night. Right jab to the old honker. Pow! T.K.O. What better sign that the coho winds are once again upon us… My advice this year, don't fight them, embrace them. Know your enemy.

Love's Labour Mislaid [4.17]

Mike: Sometimes, Maggie, you just have to go for it. Grab for the gusto. Go for the plunge…

Northern Lights [4.18]

Bernard: Continuous unremitting darkness has been known to send some people into an emotional tailspin, so the management here at KBHR radio suggests locking away the firearms. The desire to stick that 45 between the teeth can get pretty strong at times, so why invite temptation.

Family Feud [4.19]

Chris: I know it's short notice, but the bride-to-be is pushing for a quickie. Medical emergency. Nope, it's not what you're thinking. Anyway, I know a couple of us have been down the aisle with these people before, maybe this time, they'll make it to the altar. We'll keep our collective fingers crossed.

Homesick [4.20]

Ed: Thanks for showing me the outside of your house, Maurice. I especially enjoyed the imaginary flower garden.

The Big Feast [4.21]

Chris: Maurice J. Minnifield, our generous host, friend, and employer. I'm sure I join everyone in saying thank you for these very fine eats and drinks. You are a real American. You're an ex-marine and astronaut, you are America. You're rich, you're rapacious, you're progress without a conscience, paving everything in its path. You're 5% of the earth's population, yet consuming 25% of the earth's natural resources. You pay a lot of taxes, you do a lot of charity work--most of it is tax deductible, but your heart is in the right place. One thing's for certain, you have impeccable taste in the booze.

Kaddish for Uncle Manny [4.22]

Joel: You need nine guys on a field to play baseball and ten jews in a room to say kaddish.

Mud and Blood [4.23]

Shelly: Take it from me, H. You, me and the rug rat - it's going to be better than Superbowl Sunday.

Sleeping With the Enemy [4.24]

Shelly: My nips are as big as double-drop chocolate cookies.

Old Tree [4.25]

Chris: What is it about genus arboretum that socks us in the figurative solar plexus? We see a logging truck go cruising down the road, stacked with a bunch of those fresh-cut giants, we feel like we lost a brother. Next thing you know, we're in The Brick, we're flopping money down on the bar. Wood. We're under a roof. Wood. We're walking the floors. Wood. Grabbing a pool cue. That's wood. Our friends in the forest carry a set of luggage from the mythical baggage carousel. Tree of life, tree of knowledge, family tree, Budda's Bodhi tree. Page one of life, in the beginning. Genesis 3:22. Adam and Eve. They're kicking back in the garden of Eden and boom, they get an eviction notice. Why is that? "Lest they should also take of the tree of life, eat and live forever." A definitive Yahweh no-no. Be good to yourself Cicely, go out and plant a wet one on a tree.

Three Doctors [5.01]

Joel: Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.

The Mystery of the Old Curio Shop [5.02]

Joel: Excuse me, would you ladies mind postponing your trenchant literary critique so we can continue with our little medical practice here?

Jaws of Life [5.03]

Chris: You know what you are Earl? You're a little, tiny, busy ant. You too, Mike. Both you guys, with your mortgages and your term life insurance and your Weber kettles. Ant. Ant. All of you, you're all a bunch of little, busy, blind ants. All you all. Saving up for your rainy days. Scratching up your acorns for the winter. You look at me and you think, "What a piece of pathetic trash out there in that leaky trailer." No spoon, no fork, no prospects. But, you know why? Cause I'm a grasshopper. Ant. Grasshopper. Ant. Grasshopper. Ant. Grasshopper. Ant. Grasshopper. Ant!

Maurice: [Maurice catches Ed talking to his statue] Look, Ed. If you've got something to say, you say it to me. You got that?

Ed: Okay, Maurice. But, uh -

Maurice: But what?

Ed: Well, it's just that he's a little easier to talk to.

Maurice: The statue?

Ed: Well, he doesn't throw my thoughts off like you do sometimes.

Maurice: I don't throw your thoughts off, son! What are you talking about?

Ed: Well, kind of like now, Maurice.

Maurice: I'm not in the business of throwing people's thoughts off! Is that clear?

Altered Egos [5.04]

Joel: Oh God. Oh my God. I'm sitting here eating seeds and having a serious conversation about winter clothing. First my wallet and now this. What is happening?

A River Doesn't Run Through It [5.05]

Kevin: The Homecoming queen is supposed to be a babe.

Birds of a Feather [5.06]

Marilyn: The Eagle wasn't always the Eagle. The Eagle, before he became the Eagle, was Yucatangee, the Talker. Yucatangee talked and talked. It talked so much it heard only itself. Not the river, not the wind, not even the Wolf. The Raven came and said "The Wolf is hungry. If you stop talking, you'll hear him. The wind too. And when you hear the wind, you'll fly." So he stopped talking. And became its nature, the Eagle. The Eagle soared, and its flight said all it needed to say

Rosebud [5.07]

Leonard: The path to our destination is not always a straight one, Ed. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn't matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.

Heal Thyself [5.08]

Leonard: If you're going to be a healer, it's not enough to read books and learn allegorical stories. you need to get your feet wet, get some clinical experience under your belt.

A Cup of Joe [5.09]

Chris: I think the saying is better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all and if they didn't say it, they should have.

First Snow [5.10]

Chris: Oh the snow the beautiful snow filling the sky and earth below. Over the house tops and over the streets, over the heads of people you meet. Dancing flirting skimming along. Oh the snow the beautiful snow how the flakes gather and laugh as they go. Whirling about in their maddening fun it plays in its glee with everyone. Chasing laughing hurrying by it lights on the face and sparkles the eye. And even the dogs with a bark and a bound snap at the crystals that eddy around. The town is alive and its heart in a glow to welcome the coming of beautiful snow. Bon Hiver Cicely.

Baby Blues [5.11]

Ed: Like Woody Allen says 'It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls'.

Mister Sandman [5.12]

Holling: I'm my mother. I'm my father. I'm chipped beef on toast?!

Mite Makes Right [5.13]

Maggie: Life is everywhere. The earth is throbbing with it, it's like music. The plants, the creatures, the ones we see, the ones we don't see, it's like one, big, pulsating symphony.

A Bolt From the Blue [5.14]

Adam: You think Nature is some Disney movie? Nature is a killer. Nature is a bitch. It's feeding time out there 24 hours a day, every step that you take is a gamble with death. If it isn't getting hit with lightning today, it's an earthquake tomorrow or some deer tick carrying Lyme disease. Either way, you're ending up on the wrong end of the food chain.

Joel: I know Adam is a walking pathology, but the guy's never hurt anybody, not that I know of. I mean, threats of imminent danger are just his way of saying "good morning."

Hello, I Love You [5.15]

Chris: It looks like a fine winter's morning out there at the 63rd latitude. Jack frost is tagging up those window panes, hot java, english muffins, locked and loaded. The word on the street is that the Tambo-Vincour addition is due to pop out and see it's shadow manana. From the safety of the womb to the bright unknown. Hey little one, you got 843 expectant aunts and uncles out here all queued up for a little koochie koochie koo.

Northern Hospitality [5.16]

Maggie: You haven't vacuumed, Fleischman? What's this, petrified corn chips?

Una Volta in L'Inverno [5.17]

Chris: Morning Cicely. 8:00 A.M. muchachos. Time to finish those flapjacks, knock back that second cup of joe, get ready to greet the day. Temperature's creeping towards double digits as the solar drought continues--23 days, an average of an hour and a half of sunlight every day. No relief on the horizon. Which only makes sense cause there is no horizon. Our friends at the weather service are calling for another storm and as we know, they've been batting a thousand lately. Hey, let's check our social calendar. Nothing. Total blank. It's cabin fever season people, that time of year when four walls feel like they're going to come in here and choke the spirit right out of you. Time to lock away those firearms and hang tough. No way through it except to do it.

Fish Story [5.18]

Chris: "Time is but the stream I go a fishing in." Henry David Thoreau.

Ed: "Pass me a sandwich." Ed Chigliak.

The Gift of the Maggie [5.19]

Maurice: The orchid, the aristocrat of the flower family. The most sophisticated plant on earth. Clearly a cut above. But, it's got petals like everybody else. The lowly daisy, the cheap carnation, half-baked azelia. Like these, the orchid needs warmth. It needs care and kindness to get by. These flowers need you people. No, I need you.

A Wing and a Prayer [5.20]

Shelly: Do I get a real priest? No. I get this dud, some smoke-ring blowing, arm-wrestler with a rip in his pants.

I Feel the Earth Move [5.21]

Chris: Marriage. Why do we do it? Everybody knows the stats. One in two marriages end up in broken dishes and a trip to Tijuana. Is it loneliness? Partly. Is it teamwork? Definitely. Things just kind of go easier when there's two of you. One of you can wait in line at the movie theater while the other guy parks the car. Get better seats that way. Better room rate when it's a double. Are you ready to file jointly?...Above you is the sun and sky. Below you, the ground. Like the sun, your love should be constant, like the ground, solid. Are you both OK with that? In that case, I now pronounce you, married.

Gran Prix [5.22]

Little Green Man: Ed, you're dealing with the demon of external validation. You can't beat external validation. You want to know why? Because it feels sooo good.

Lovers and Madmen [5.24]

Joel: First I thought it was numbness, you know, shock. The inability to believe that a just God could allow someone to destroy a gold mine of prehistoric knowledge for a year's worth of Salisbury steak. I feel like I am floating. Like I'm watching myself leave my body. I think about what happened today and I just, I want to laugh. I should be foaming at the mouth like any other normal person. Maybe what I am experiencing is a euphoria you're supposed to feel just before you give up, you know, just let the lounges fill with water. Life is a mystery. One man's life-altering experience is another man's tenderloin. I'm one of you now. I'm a Cicelean.

The Mommy's Curse [6.14]

Walt: Boy, you're some kind of firecracker, you know that Ruth-Anne Miller!?

Holling: A man's hat is his pride, Maurice!

Holling: A new hat... fun for awhile.. a little variety, change you know, something different. For a good fit, and a comfortable feeling there is nothing like an old hat. You know what I mean?

Maurice: I know that you mean.

Holling: Well then?

Maurice: Well.

Tranquility Base (Our Town) [6.23]

Maurice: Barbara, I owe you an apology. I've been trying to turn you into something you're not. You're no gentle lady. You're a warrior. That's what attracted me. That's what attracts me now.

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