Office Space Quotations

Office Space is a 1999 comedy film that pokes fun at work life in a typical software company during the 1990s by portraying individuals who are completely fed up with their jobs.

Directed and written by Mike Judge.

Work Sucks taglines

Peter Gibbons

We don't have a lot of time on this earth. We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.

Bill Lumbergh

Ah, ah, I almost forgot...I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Mmmmmkay? Thaaaaaanks!

Michael Bolton

Cockgobblers!
There *was* nothing wrong with it [his name]... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Dialogue

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?

Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.

[Peter laughs a little but stops when he sees Lawrence's stone-faced expression. He stares at Lawrence and his stare is met with Lawrence's emotionless gaze. The viewer sees that Lawrence takes the hypothetical menage a trois very seriously. The conversation resumes after an uncomfortable pause.]

Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?

Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, 'cause chicks dig a dude with money.

Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.

Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.

Peter Gibbons: Good point.

Lawrence: Well what about you now? what would you do?

Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?

Lawrence: Well yeah.

Peter Gibbons: Nothing.

Lawrence: Nothing, huh?

Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.

Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit.

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

Peter Gibbons: It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.

Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.

Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.

Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.

Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been missing it, Bob.

Bob Slydell: You see, what we're trying to do is get a feeling for how people spend their time at work so if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Bob Slydell: Great.

Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour.

Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

...

Peter Gibbons: You see, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

Bob Porter: Don't…don't care?

Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now.

Bob Porter: Eight?

Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

...

Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second here.

Peter Gibbons: OK.

Bob Slydell: What if - and believe me this is hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?

Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both you guys.

Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.

Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really, really well.

Bob Porter: Excellent.

Bob Slydell: Great... Wow.

Cast

Ron Livingston - Peter Gibbons
Jennifer Aniston - Joanna
David Herman - Michael Bolton
Ajay Naidu - Samir Nagheenanajar
Diedrich Bader - Lawrence
Stephen Root - Milton Waddams
Gary Cole - Bill Lumbergh
Richard Riehle - Tom Smykowski
Alexandra Wentworth - Anne
Joe Bays - Dom Portwood
John C. McGinley - Bob Slydell
Paul Willson - Bob Porter

Quoternity