Porridge
Porridge is a British BBC television sitcom, written by Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais and starring Ronnie Barker and Richard Beckinsale. In a 2004 BBC poll of the 50 greatest British sitcoms, it was voted number 6. It is set in the fictional "Slade Prison" in Cumberland (now Cumbria).
[Officer returns to the cell, looking bemused]
New Faces, Old Hands [1.1]
- [credits introduction to every episode]
- Judge: Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for five years.
- Mackay: 12 o'clock, midday bang-up... [Godber looks surprised] Not what you think, laddie! Not what you think!
- Mackay: Any questions?
- Fletch: Any point?
- Mackay: None whatsoever.
- Fletch: Oh, by the way - when you have your medical, tell him you've got bad feet.
- Godber: Why?
- Fletch: 'cos then you might get your brothel-creepers back. Otherwise you'll be given prison boots - and they're guaranteed to give you bad feet for the rest of your life!
- Doctor: Suffer from any illness?
- Fletch: Bad feet.
- Doctor: (annoyed) Suffer from any illness?
- Fletch: (insistantly) Bad feet!
- Doctor: Paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital?
- Fletch: Only with my bad feet.
- Doctor: Are you now or have you at any time been a practicing homosexual?
- Fletch: What, with these feet? Who'd have me?
- Doctor: (stamps his form) Right, you're A-1.
- Fletch: A-1! 'ang on, 'ang on, I can hardly walk here, doctor! (pretends to limp over to scales)
- Doctor: Now I want you to fill one of those containers for me.
- Fletch: What, from 'ere?
- Godber: I'm only in here due to tragic circumstances.
- Fletch: Which were?
- Godber: I got caught.
- Heslop: I read a book once. Green, it was.
- Fletch [explaining to Godber about the early lights-out]: If you wanna watch Z Cars, forget it. You'll have to get your kicks from the Wombles of bleedin' Wimbledon.
The Hustler [1.2]
- [Fletcher is on the farm, feeding the pigs]
- Fletch: You eat like pigs an' all!
- Mackay: What have you got there, Fletcher?
- Fletch: [sotto voce] Crown jewels. [out loud] Chicken feed!
- Mackay: Empty it.
- Fletch: It'll make a terrible mess, Mr Mackay!
- Mackay: Empty it!
- [Fletch empties the bag, which contains nothing but chicken feed]
- Mackay: All right Fletcher, just don't let me catch you thieving!
- Fletch: I won't, Mr Mackay.
- Mackay: You won't what?
- Fletch: I won't let you catch me, Mr Mackay!
A Night In [1.3]
- Fletch [to Godber]: We could go out, you know... yeah, I could phone up a couple of them dolly birds that dance on Top of the Pops. What are they called? Pan's People. There's one special one - beautiful Babs. Dunno what her name is.
- Fletch: That's what you've got to tell yourself, you're just having a quiet night in.
- Godber: Trouble is, I've got six hundred and ninety-eight quiet nights in to go.
- Prison officer: (Fletch has just sat on Godber's needle) What's going on 'ere, then? (indicates Fletch) Did you assault this man, Godber?
- Godber: No, he sat on me dining needle.
- Officer: That true, Fletcher?
- Fletch: Naff off, can't you see I'm in agony?
- Officer: Why don't you get a move on? (Walks out of the cell)
- Fletch: Why don't you go home an' see who's been sleeping with your old lady while you were night duty.
[Officer returns to the cell, looking bemused]
- Officer: (sarcastically) Ha, ha, ha. Oh that is original, Fletcher. I've been havin' that for the last seven years. (wanders off)
- Fletcher: So's she an' all.
A Day Out [1.4]
- [Barrowclough and the prisoners are trapped in a locked church]
- Barrowclough: Come on, Fletcher, you've been convicted of breaking and entering.
- Fletch: Ah - "entering" being the operative word, Mr Barrowclough. I ain't never been convicted of breaking out of nowhere.
Ways And Means [1.5]
- Fletch: Lots of famous people have been illegitimate, you know. William the Conqueror.... Napper Wainwright....
- McLaren: Who's Napper Wainwright?
- Fletch: He was a screw at Brixton. Mind you, he was a bastard.
No Peace For The Wicked[2.4]
- Fletch [sings]: Born free..... till somebody caught me.....
Poetic Justice [3.2]
- Fletch [to Rawley, the judge who sentenced him]: If I'd known you was bent I could have slipped you a few bob!
Pardon Me [3.4]
- [Fletch and Blanco are playing Monopoly]
- Fletch [draws a Chance card]: Would you Adam and Eve it? "Go to jail".
Final Stretch [3.6]
- Fletch [explaining his advice for prisoners to Mackay]: One: Bide your time. Two: Keep your nose clean. And three: don't let the bastards grind you down.
Cast
- Ronnie Barker - Norman Stanley Fletcher
- Fulton Mackay - Mr Mackay
- Richard Beckinsale - Lennie Godber
- Brian Wilde - Mr Barrowclough
- Peter Vaughan - 'Genial' Harry Grout
- Sam Kelly - ‘Bunny’ Warren
- Tony Osoba - Jim MacClaren
- Christopher Biggins - Lukewarm
- David Jason - Blanco Webb
- Ken Jones - 'Horrible' Ives
- Ronald Lacey - Harris
- Michael Barrington - 'The Governor' Geoffrey Venables
- Patricia Brake - Ingrid Fletcher
- Maurice Denham - The Honourable Mr Justice Stephen Rawley
- Brian Glover - Cyril Heslop
- Ray Dunbobbin - Evans
- Dudley Sutton - Reg Urwin 'with a U'
- Philip Madoc - Williams