Pretzels & Pills
My Hero, BBC TV sitcom, 2000-2006
George: Hello. Where can I put this?
Mrs. Raven: Well, don't give her to me. (She picks up the phone) Janet, out here. (She hangs up again.) Do you know what's wrong with her?
George: Well, she's got rheumatoid arthritis in her left shoulder, a slightly irregular heartbeat and two nasty scars where she was delivered by forceps.
Mrs. Raven: I meant why is she unconscious?
George: Oh, she just fainted.
Mrs. Raven: And you are?
George: Fine. Thanks for asking.
[In Arnie's New York café, he's watching TV with a customer. Arnie has a smug look on his face.]
Commentator: There's two touchdowns. And the Denver Broncos game against the Dallas Cowboys has just ended with a 21-19 victory for the Broncos.
[Arnie turns off the TV]
Arnie: Yes! Thank you! Pay the man!
[He does, reluctantly]
Customer: Every week ya do me! Every week, Arnie!
[He gets up and heads for the door]
Arnie: What can I say? I've got a talent!
Customer: Yeah!
Arnie: I've got a nose...
Customer: Yeah, yeah!
[The man leaves, and Arnie now holds a tape in his hand]
Arnie: I've got a VCR!
[Ella enters the health centre]
Janet: Mum, what are you doing here?
[Ella enters slowly]
Ella: I don't want to come in, not with all these sick people! I told you that outfit does nothing for you!
Janet: I'm a nurse!
Ella: Well, at least accessorise! (She spots Piers) Piers!
Piers: Mrs. Dawkins. Tell me how you stay so young, I'll recommend it on my show.
Ella: Oh, you! (To Janet) He's gorgeous! (Back to Piers) I loved your piece on vericose veins, not that I needed it!
Piers: Oh, heaven forbid! You have the legs of a teenager...
Mrs. Raven: ...on steroids!
George: Right, she's come out for dinner with me, but I don't know what to do next. I need help!
Arnie: Have you got her a present?
George: Surgical stockings.
Arnie: You do need help. Right, you take her back to her place, and you show her the money! If she likes you as George "Surgical Stockings" Sunday, she'll love you as Thermoman!
George: You think so?
Arnie: You're Tom Cruise in tights, only taller!
George: Right, I'll show her what I'm made of. Well, not literally, I mean, she'd faint if I did that.
Piers: Janet, you'll be pleased to know I've decided to forgive you for that bistro mix-up last Tuesday.
Janet: (sarcastically) Oh, good, I can sleep easy again.
Piers: It's not your fault you went to the wrong restaurant. It's something about the female brain holding information.
Janet: Is it?
Piers: You wouldn't believe it. Lots of women I've been out with have had the same problem.
Janet: You don't say. (She leaves) Well, goodnight.
Piers: God, she fancies me. So, Mrs. Raven, you doing anything remotely interesting tonight?
Mrs. Raven: I'm taking the triplets to see the exorcist.
Piers: Hmm. Great movie.
Mrs. Raven: Who's talking about the movie?
Janet: Oh, no.
Mrs. Raven: The headmaster's asking if they can stay off next term as well.
Piers: Janet tells me you've bought a pokey little health food shop in the high street.
George: She's right. And if all goes to plan, I hope to greet my first customers tomorrow morning.
Piers: So you open tomorrow?
George: No, we opened a week ago.
Piers: Good lord. You'd think people would be queueing for some of that organic Welsh dandelion mucus bar, wouldn't you?
George: Yeah, you would.
Janet: Sarcasm, George.
George: Oh, right.
Piers: And guess who was guest of honour at the Northholt GP's Annual Dinner Dance last night? Only your favourite television doctor!
George: Not Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman!
George: I think she prefers me, Doctor. She calls you an egocentric slimming bastard
Ella: (About George) I asked him how much television he watches and he said "the whole screen".
[George finds out from Janet about the 'side-effect' Piers has suffered from George erasing his memory, namely, his entire medical knowledge has been wiped.]
George: I've broken the superhero's code! I've injured another human being! I haven't done that since that time a blew a policeman through a wall!
Janet: You blew a policeman through a wall?
George: Yeah, well, I flew into the police station, and he said "Well, blow me!", so I did.
Janet: You're lucky that's all he said...
Thermoman: You know someone like that, do you?
Piers: I am someone like that. (Proudly) And thats not swank.
Thermoman: No?
Piers: I'm no swanker!
Piers: Actually, you can go home early, Mrs. Raven. I'll clear things up here.
Mrs. Raven: Oh, thanks, Doctor. I've gotta get home quickly anyway. My sister's on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, and I've gotta be by the phone.
Piers: Ah, you're one of her "phone-a-friends"?
Mrs. Raven: Yeah, I'll probably get it wrong... I hope I do, I hate my sister!
Piers: Now, Thermoman, I was wondering if you could help me, mate?
Thermoman: Help you mate? Well, sexual problems aren't really my thing...
[Thermoman is guest of honour at a charity party at the health centre. Mrs. Raven is serving wine and cheese]
Mrs. Raven: Wine... Cheese... Wine... Wine... Cheese... Listeria... Cirrhosis of the liver...
Piers: Mrs. Raven, try and be more friendly with them!
[Mrs. Raven goes to the Mayor]
Mrs. Raven: Evening, Mayor. Little wine? Or would it interfere with your antibiotics?
(Thermoman enters for the first time]
Thermoman: Greetings, people of Northholt!
Mrs. Raven: Wine? Cheese? Me?
Thermoman: I cannot, but thank you for the offer!
Piers: "Thermo", mate! Why don't we get a picture of the two 'celebs' together?
Thermoman: Yes, where is the Mayor?
Mrs. Raven: Wine... (Drinks some wine) Cheese... (Eats some cheese) More wine... (Drinks some wine) Sod the cheese! (Drinks more wine, and more wine...)
Piers: Don't you think that's enough wine, Mrs. Raven?
Mrs. Raven: I'll know when I've had too much to drink - I'll get merry!
Piers: And how many drinks will that take?
Mrs. Raven: I don't know, it's never happened yet!
George: Hmm... Probably a bit of both. In human terms, brilliant! In Ultronian terms, seriously retarded!
Arnie: She's a hooker, George.
George: A hooker? God, I love Rugby. (Speaks to woman) Arnie tells me your a hooker. It's a grand old game, very physical. Although I think more women should take it up.
Hooker: You do, do you?
George: Oh yes. Now for me, I prefer to watch. Right now, I have only seen men.
Hooker: Your sick!
George: Nah! It's just a touch of hay fever, thanks for asking
Tyler: (to Mrs. Raven) When can I see you again?
Mrs. Raven: When Hell freezes over!
Tyler: Tuesday it is, then.
Ella: They're saying it's the NADS' best production yet!
George: The NADS?
Piers: Yes. The good old Northholt Amateur Dramatic Society.
George: But... that's GONADS!
George: Actually, I feel a bit sorry for her. It's not hard to see why she's come. Poor girl.
Janet: Poor girl?!
George: Yeah, you only have to look at her. Honestly, how is a girl who looks like that ever going to find a husband?
Janet: George, here on Earth, a girl who looks like that could get anyone as a husband!
George: Really? Even with those long, shapely legs? And those boring, perfectly spherical breasts? What a ridiculous planet this is!
Piers: Alright, Mrs. Bennett, just keep putting the cream on it, but if it gets any worse, be a love and change doctors, okay?
George: Mrs. Raven, it's incredible! You look even more miserable than usual!
Janet: George, Mrs. Raven isn't herself today.
George: That must be a relief! For both of you!
[George asks Arnie for advice on trying to get out of marrying Xil]
George: Can you remember back to something very significant we both did when we were six?
Arnie: All kids do that kind of stuff, it doesn't make you any less of a man...
Ella: Janet, can I have a little word?
Janet: Yep. How about 'go'?
[As George prepares to leave Earth for good...]
Arnie: You ready, George?
George: No, Arnie. This is the darkest, most depressing day of my existence. Life doesn't get any worse than this.
Arnie: You wanna hear my best man speech?
George: I stand corrected.
Arnie: Can I phone a friend?
Mrs Raven: Flu? You're coming in here with flu?!
Patient nods, Mrs Raven holds and piece of cabbage on a stick over her mouth and rings a bell twice
Mrs Raven: Unclean! Unclean!
Mrs Raven stops ringing the bell
Mrs Raven: You, over there
Mrs Raven points to the seats surrounded by a fence with a biohazard sign attached to it, spraying the patient as she takes her seat
Janet: Did you get to your anger management class last night?
Mrs Raven: No, the therapist is still in intensive care
Mrs. Raven: Did I scare ya?
George: You always scare me, Mrs. Raven.
Mrs. Raven: The triplets are giving me bother again.
George: Oh, right. Well, I've got just the thing for headaches...
Mrs. Raven: No, I want something to deal with the triplets!
George: Mrs. Raven! I've told you before, I can't sell chloroform over the counter!
Mrs. Raven: Have you ever seen my triplets?
[She gets a photograph out of her handbag and shows it to George. He screams again.]
Mrs. Raven: Yeah, that's the standard reaction.
George: (Nervously) Are... are those horns?
Mrs. Raven: No, that's just the way they like to gel their hair!
George: What age were they then?
Mrs. Raven: 6, 6, and 6! I couldn't have had a bigger omen!
Piers: (being possessed by Rovi Grubbeldim) I'm going to destroy the whole world and everybody in it...apart from Britney Spears; I quite like her.
George: If you refuse the sacred challenge you're sent to the four corners of the galaxy...in four seperate packing cases.
[Piers, being possessed by Rovi Grubbeldim, cackles villainously.]
George: Why do you keep doing that?
Piers: It underscores my evil - it's a flourish.
Janet: How could something so small be so troublesome?
George: Now, there's no need to get personal.
Janet: I meant the baby.
Janet: You’d better speak to him before my mother sees him. And she’ll want to see him before the christening.
George: What’s the christening?
Janet: It’s when you’re accepted into the church. You've heard of Jesus Christ?
George: That’s what most people say when they see Thermoman.
Janet: Well, he was this really great man who healed the sick and walked on water...
George: The baby walked on water last night in the bath! Jesus was an Ultronian!
Janet: You’ve picked a name for him already!
George: Yep. I’ve found the perfect name. It’s a biblical name, and it means something nice on Ultron.
Janet: Oh, really? Well what is it?
George: Pontius.
Janet: Pontius? As in Pontius Pilate?
George: Yeah. It means “great warrior” on Ultron.
Janet: It means “great bastard” here.
George: And his second name is Ulrich. That was my mother’s name. It means "warm heart"
Janet: George, I am NOT naming my son Pontius Ulrich Sunday! More than anything, it spells pus!
Arnie: (to Mrs. Raven) Hey, Phantom of the Opera! How'd you like a stallion between your sheets?
Mrs. Raven: I'd sooner sleep with an incontinent skunk! Get your coat.
Arnie: (to George) Romance is not dead!
George: Oh yes, I saw that. And on the other side he'd written "Useless toss-"
Piers: Yes, thank you George! So I hauled him down to the police station. A small struggle, but I managed to get the better of him. And did they charge him? No, they did not! Honestly, these 5-year-olds can get away with murder!
Mrs. Raven: I made 4 citizen's arrests this week.
Stanley: Really? What were they for?
Mrs. Raven: Wasting a medical receptionist's time!
Stanley: I don’t think that's actually an offence, Mrs. Raven.
Mrs. Raven: Well, it's an offence to me! Coming here, wanting to change their appointments! So I arrested four of them and took them straight down to the police station.
Stanley: And did they press charges?
Mrs. Raven: Yeah. They charged me with wasting police time!
George and Arnie: Zneet znatter zneet!
Tyler: Zneet znatter zneet!
Arnie: Tyler, this is an Ultronian thing. We don't do it with humans. Not even weird ones.
Tyler: Oh, okay. (He slowly walks away, upset)
George: Oh, alright then.
George and Tyler: Zneet znatter zneet!
Tyler: Zneet znatter znooding zneet!
(George and Arnie recoil)
George: That's disgusting.
Arnie: Not to mention illegal!
[Ultron Postman enters the flat from the bathroom and hands a blue envelope to George. He then goes out the way he came.]
Janet: Does he have to come in through there? Last time I was in the shower.
George: Oh, it's alright. He didn't mind.
Mrs. Raven: How old is it?
Janet: About 5, I think.
Mrs. Raven: Not much of an innings is it?
Janet: Innings?
Mrs. Raven: Well, it's gonna die, isn't it? Every time you look after someone's pet, they always die and they never forgive you.
Janet: It's not going to die, Mrs. Raven.
Mrs. Raven: Where is it now?
Janet: With George.
Mrs Raven: It's gonna die. Painfully, probably.
Janet: Mrs. Raven...
Mrs. Raven: Do you know, I looked after my cousin's cat once. The next day, it was run over and killed. My cousin never forgave me.
Janet: It's hardly your fault if someone... You were driving the car, weren't you?
Mrs. Raven: I hated that cat.
Mrs. Raven: Yeah, once. But it was my own fault. I shouldn't have kicked him there in the first place.
[Piers comes out of his office with a young blonde girl named Hayley, whom he has been 'interviewing' for a job as a nurse.]
Hayley: Look at this, girls! He's signed my T-shirt! I'm so lucky!
Janet: Not as lucky as him. That was a short interview.
Hayley: Oh, it's not over yet. I've passed my Part One, but Part Two is all about "restaurant technique", apparently.
Mrs. Raven: Make sure you drink plenty, or you won't enjoy Part Three much...
[George is aging very fast]
Arnie: There is one thing you can do, George. But it's very risky.
George: What?
Arnie: You can go through... The Flaming Time Tunnels of Tarxis.
Tyler: Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!
[Tyler opens up his jacket to reveal a T-shirt underneath reading "I went through The Flaming Time Tunnels of Tarxis"]
Arnie: It reverses an Ultronian's aging process by re-jiggin' the age hormones. Many Ultronian women use it instead of a face lift.
George: Oh, yes, I remember. Who's that famous Ultronian?
Arnie: Her Earth name is Joan Collins. She's been through so many times, she's got a season ticket.
George: Tyler, why is your sofa covered in Bacofoil?
Tyler: The very fact you’re asking me proves that it’s working!
[Later on, Ella and Janet enter Tyler's flat]
Ella: Why is your sofa covered in Bacofoil?
Tyler: So it can't be microwaved.
Ella: Er, I'll stand.
Mrs. Raven: (to Arnie) Right, pay attention, pond scum. Calls here fall into three categories. "Urgent", "Very Urgent", "Life or Death". "Urgent": Put on Hold. "Very Urgent": Disconnect. "Life or Death": Tell them you're the maitre'd of the local Chinese restaurant.
Mrs. Raven: You tricked me! I should have known you wouldn't have known what to do if confronted by a poisonous insect!
George: Well, what I usually do is say "Good Morning, Mrs. Raven!"
Janet: Take yesterday, for example. You had to deflect that comet from the Earth, put out that forest fire, and rescue those hostages. And what did you do?
George: I rescued the comet, blew the hostages into the fire, and threw up.
Janet: Exactly.
George: At least I put out the fire.
Arnie: Quiet, ain't it?
Tyler: Yeah!
Arnie: I mean, why isn't this store gettin' more business? It's got a prime spot in the high street, it's well stocked... I just don’t understand!
[The door opens, and a woman comes in]
Arnie and Tyler: We're closed!
[She exits again]
Arnie: Hey, did you hear that Piers is getting married? What an idiot!
Tyler: What have you got against marriage, O, former king of the cosmos? You've done it enough times!
Arnie: Exactly! It's hard work! "Love, honour and obey!" Talk about multi-tasking!
[Arnie shared a piece of cake with Janet, a great offence to Ultronians which makes George literally turn green with jealousy. Tyler enters and pretends not to notice.]
Janet: It's alright, Tyler. I can see it too.
Tyler: God, that's a relief! Last time I saw something like that, they increased my medication!
[Piers is getting married, little does he know he’s being used by his 'fiancée' Carol to get her a big TV job]
Carol: Fantastic news! "Hey There!" Magazine say they'll print our wedding photos! And, if we get a bottle of Wash & Go into every shot, they'll split the profit!
Piers: Fab! So, we've got Pot Noodle doing the catering, booze courtesy of Heineken, and the cake's being made by Utterly Butterly!
Mrs. Raven: (Sarcastically) Oh, how romantic! So, will it be a white wedding?
Piers: Certainly not! It'll be Orange... unless I can do a deal with Vodafone!
Piers: Are you wearing make-up, George?
George: Course I am. Plenty of men wear make-up... Boy George... Marilyn Manson... Judith Chalmers...
Piers: Hmm... Perfectly normal, then...
[At the bookies]
Arnie: Terry, I just got another hot tip... "Barnacle Bill" in the 2.30 at Haydock Park!
Terry: OK, and I’ve got a tip for you!
Arnie: I'm listenin'!
Terry: (He points to his left) Start running in that direction, very very fast!
Arnie: Huh?
[He turns round, and Mrs. Raven punches him and storms off again. He staggers to his feet]
Arnie: Good tip!
Arnie: So the world's lost a superhero but still has an Irish shopkeeper in Northolt?
Stanley: Well, when I look at your mother, she's just a blur! So they're not too bad really!
[Janet persuades George to join Piers' Sunday league cricket team]
George: Cricket? That's the one with the hoops?
Janet: No, that's croquet! Cricket's the one where you hit a ball with a bat and try to score runs.
Arnie: That's baseball!
Janet: Yes, but it's also cricket!
George: So, they're both the same?
Janet: No, in baseball they have a pitcher.
George: Pitcher, right. (He begins to write everything down on a notepad)
Arnie: Yeah, and if the batter swings and misses three times, it's three strikes, and he's out!
George: (Still writing) Three strikes, and he's out! This is all beginning to make sense now, Janet!
Janet: You're not playing baseball!
George: Then why are you telling me about it?
Tyler: Master, let me explain.
Janet: Thank you, Tyler!
Tyler: Cricket's different to baseball, because in cricket, you not only have a bat and a ball, but you also have also horses and leather-clad women with metal spikes!
Janet: No, you don't!!!!!
Tyler: You do in my version!
Piers: Ah, George! Just the man! (He produces an envelope from his jacket) This is for you!
George: Oh, thank you, Piers! Is this the cheque for "man of the match"?
Piers: No, it's the bill for my car. Pay today, or I'll start charging interest!
Janet: Piers, aren't you forgetting something? George hit four sixes!
Piers: Oh, yes! (He produces another envelope and gives it to George) And this is the bill for the pavillion window.
Janet: I mean, he won you the game! Aw, you're not still upset that he played better than you?
Piers: I could have played professionally! (Smugly) The day I gave up cricket and became a doctor, a lot of people were very sad indeed!
Janet: Your patients, mainly!
Piers: I was the best player on that pitch! Besides, cricket's a team game! (Smugly again) George would never beat me in direct competition!
Janet: I think he can!
Piers: Ten quid says he won't! (He turns to George) What are you like at tennis?
George: Is that the one with the net?
Piers: (Back to Janet) How about twenty quid?
Janet: Now, Piers, just keep telling yourself that.
Piers: You... You're right, Janet. I am not a loser... I... am not... a loser...
George: Hi, Piers! Fancy a game of golf, or even squash?
Piers: I AM a loser! I AM a loser!
Janet: Why do those words always scare me?
George: I've got myself a pension, it's brilliant! The pension man said if I pay in until I'm 65, then they'll pay me for the rest of my life! That's 897 years!
Janet: (sarcastically) Fantastic!
George: Oh, and even better! I've got myself some life insurance!
Janet: George, there's no point! You'll never collect!
George: Oh, I will with this one! The way he explained it was like this: I pay them £100 a month, and then, if I fall under a bus, they pay you £60,000! So I paid him the £100, and I went straight out and fell under the first bus I could find! You can collect whenever you like!
[George was 'dead' for ten minutes and then came back to life. It turns out he has a heart defect which means both his hearts stop for a few minutes before starting up again]
Tyler: Oh, master! You have died and come back to life! Truly you are like he who has gone before you!
George: Who's that then?
Tyler: E.T.!
[A man enters the health centre with a bump on his head]
Mrs. Raven: Yeah, name?
Man: I know this might sound odd, but I'm afraid I don't know my name! I've just been mugged and I've lost my memory! Do you think I could see the doctor?
Mrs. Raven: You one of his patients?
Man: Well, I don't know! As I say, I've lost my memory!
Mrs. Raven: Can't help you, then! Bye!
[The man exits, Janet and George enter]
Janet: Oh dear, he didn't look too good!
Mrs. Raven: Who, Mr. Davies? No, he didn't did he?
[Janet’s parents are coming over to 'comfort' her over losing George when he 'dies' in front of everyone. George is lying in a coffin in the front room]
George: Tyler, listen! Janet's parents will be here in a moment, and I need your help!
Tyler: I would do anything in the world for you, Master! Anything at all!
George: Good! Can you keep a secret?
Tyler: No.
George: Well, just try! The thing is, I'm pretending to be dead!
Tyler: You're not pretending very well, Master! I can see you moving!
George: No, no, I'm not pretending to you, I'm pretending to everyone else!
Tyler: They can see you moving as well!
George: Not the people in this room! I'm pretending to everyone not in this room!
Tyler: But they're not in this room!
George: No, but they will be!
Tyler: Oh, right!
George: So you all know I'm alive, but when Janet's parents turn up, what are you going to tell them?
Tyler: You're pretending to be dead!
George: No! I really am dead!
Tyler: You really are dead? So I'm hallucinating again?
[The doorbell rings. Janet goes to answer it.]
Janet: They're here! Quick, lie down!
George: Arnie, explain it to him!
Arnie: Tyler, how can I explain this in a way you'll understand?
[A pause, then Arnie punches Tyler]
Arnie: I can't!
George: I've solved our problem. I've consolidated all our debts into one easy payment!
Janet: Oh, no! Not with one of those companies that advertises on the telly!
George: No, no, Janet. I've heard all about them. That's why I went to this disused warehouse, and spoke to a guy called "Big Reg"!
Janet: What?
George: Now, we only have to pay £3,000...
Janet: That's brilliant!
George: ...a month, for the next ten years! It's all part of Big Reg's "Miss a payment, Lose a limb!" plan!
Tyler: I used to be poor. Back when I were a farmer. Eventually, we got so poor, my mum sent me to market with our one remaining cow. So I took it to market, and on the way there I met a bloke who bought it off me for some magic beans! When I took them home, my mum was so furious she threw them out of the window...
Janet: No, don't tell me! When you woke up the next morning, they'd grown into a massive beanstalk!
Tyler: No! They weren't magic at all! What a swizz!
George: It's OK, if you paid for them with a credit card, you're automatically covered...
[Later on, Arnie suggests that to solve the family's financial 'crisis', Ollie should fix the numbers so they 'win' the lottery]
Tyler: Don't do it! My life was hell when I won!
Janet: You won the lottery? What did you do with the money?
Tyler: I bought some more magic beans...
[At their celebration party]
George: Tyler, I hope you liked those Ultronian magic beans I bought you. They really are magic, you know!
Tyler: Magic? They were delicious!
Janet: Did you get rid of all those begging letters?
George: Yes. There was even one for you, Janet, asking for £5,000. But I just wrote back to them, and told them to get stuffed!
Janet: Well done!
George: By the way, who are the Inland Revenue?
[Janet's eyes widen]
(after George wants the ancient power of mascara or telepathy to put it in simpler terms to check whether someone is lying or not)
Tyler: Brilliant master, do it, do it.
Janet: You want him to know what you're thinking?
Tyler: Oh yeah, so he can tell me, 'cause I don't know what I'm thinking.
Mrs. Raven: (thinking)What shall I do on Sunday? Oh, I know, I'll take Mum out. Take her on a nice drive down to Margate... and leave her there! I'll teach her to forget my birthday!
(after George has been told, thanks to his damning end of year report on humanity, that the Earth is to be destroyed in 22 hours, this shocks Janet, especially as George received an commendation for the quality of his report)
Janet: BIG BLOODY DEAL! Blow up the earth?!
George: I thought they were overreacting, personally.
Janet: OVERREACTING?!
George: There's no need to shout, Janet.
Janet: OF COURSE i'll shout, they gonna blow up the earth!
George: I thought they'd just punish you in the usual way.
Janet: What do you mean?
George: Who do you think sent David Dickinson?
Patient: Excuse me
(Mrs Raven looks up, she looks bored)
Mrs Raven: What?
(Patient is holding a small urine sample jar)
Patient: The Doctor asked me for a sample
(Mrs Raven briefly looks at it before looking back at the Patient)
Mrs Raven: You missed
Patient: It's just that I...can't go
(Mrs Raven's mood is getting more sinister, she is starting to give an evil smile)
Mrs Raven: And you want something to help you?
Patient: Yeah
(Mrs Raven brings out a nasty looking device with a corkscrew at one end, this gives the Patient a large urge to go to the toilet, he runs to the toilet)
Patient: Thanks!
(Ollie is suffering from accelerated growth, Arnie doesn't know what it is, after Tyler says it's Neptune Flu, Janet shouts at him)
Arnie: Remember when I told about the Devil Women of Zytog?
Tyler: After mating, they rip off their men's heads and use them for fruit bowls.
Arnie: Pussy cats compared to a worried earth mom.
(Tyler looks at Janet with a concerned look)
Tyler: Message Received.
(Dr Chelsea has told the others that Ollivia's second heart has collapsed, unless she gets a transplant, she's dead, Dr Chelsea says that George is one of the compatile doners, George offers to give her one of his hearts)
Arnie: Losing a heart has gotta affect your superpowers.
Dr Chelsea: he'll be able to deal with most emergancys as long as they happen within the M25.
Arnie: You're indespensible, how are you gonna feel if a disaster comes and loads of people are killed.
Janet: This is our daughter.
George: That's right, what's the point in saving the world, if I can't even save my own child.
Arnie: There might be another way, who's the other doner?
(Dr Chelsea checks her device)
Dr Chelsea: You.
Arnie: You're not dispensible, go on! give her your heart!
George: Don't worry, i'm not going to ask you to do it.
Arnie: You know I would but...I only got one heart.
Janet: What happened to your other one?.
Arnie: There was this poker game and the stakes got a little heavy and...I really DID leave my heart in San Francisco.
(after Arnie is apprehensive about replacing his heart with a mechanical one)
Janet: What? A child dies? Earth loses it's greatest defender or you have to have an oil change every 10 billion beats?!
(in the health centre, after Arnie has had his transplant)
Janet: Arnie, thank you so much for helping Ollie. How's the new heart?
Arnie: Well, i'm still gettin' used to it(A patient's mobile phone rings. Arnie vibrates on the spot)Answer it! Answer it! (turns back to George and Janet) Dr. Chelsea said that'll stop happening in a day or two.
Arnie: Let's see if I've got this right, your parents have refused to do rescues in China?
Janet: They say it's full of Communists.
George: And the Raven just snatched all the nuns from the vatican and flew them to the late night floor show in Las Vegas
Arnie: Did they watch it?
George: WATCH it? they were IN it!
Janet: And this morning, she wizzed round to all the cinemas and swapped the last reel of Harry Potter for night of the living dead
Tyler: I thought Harry didn't look so good towards the end
Mrs. Raven: How will you be voting in the election?
Patient: I don't know, I... I've not decided.
Mrs. Raven: Well, put it this way. Those voting for Dr. Crispin will be seen within 20 minutes. "Don't know" is in 3 hours, and if you're voting for George Sunday, you're looking at Christmas 2012! Now, does that help you decide?
Patient: Yes, er, thank you!
[Ella and Stanley go up to the reception desk]
Stanley: I think we missed our turn again. We need some more sleeping pills. Something a bit stronger.
Mrs. Raven: But you've already had enough to kill a small rhinoceros!
Stanley: (looks at Ella) Nope, she's still standing.
Ella: Look, I've got a migraine now! I need something for that as well.
Stanley: And I need something for this earache!
Ella: What brought that on?
Stanley: You moaning about your migraine!
[George enters with his election poster]
George: Mrs. Raven, is it alright if I put up my poster?
Mrs. Raven: Suit yourself... (George goes to pin it up on top of Piers' poster) Do you mind if I break both your legs?
Arnie: What we need is a slogan. Something that deals with the issues... Got it! "Piers has sex with badgers!"
George: Now, come on, Arnie, we can't prove that! Can we? I want a slogan that's truthful.
Janet: OK, how about "Trust me, I'm an alien?
[Arnie puts up a George poster in the street, but Mrs. Raven then pastes a Piers one over it.]
Mrs. Raven: Outta my way, scumbag!
Arnie: Get lost, pitbull!
Mrs. Raven: This is my patch!
Arnie: Oh, yeah? Says who?
Mrs. Raven: Says me and this 5 litre bucket of poster glue!
Arnie: It's you who's gonna get a pasting! You couldn't even run a bath, let alone a campaign, toadface!
Mrs. Raven: I haven't even started yet, bogbrain!
[She storms off. Arnie and Tyler watch her go.]
Tyler: And they say the standard of political debate has gone down...
[Mrs. Raven threatens Arnie if George wins]
George: She's up to something. Something we haven't thought of.
Tyler: Edible ballots... (gasps) She's gonna eat our votes!
Arnie: Don't be ridiculous!
Tyler: Well, it's something we hadn't thought of...
[Piers and George at th Mayor's debate]
Piers: Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Mayorol Debate
George: Oh, I haven't heard so much rubbish in all me life
Piers: We haven't started yet
George: Oh? Sorry.
Mrs. Raven: Good, I hate this planet.
George: When I fixed your arm, you turned bald
Janet: Attractively bald?
George: You looked like TYLER!!!
Tyler: Oh that's good, i thought something terrible happened to you
Janet: Out of laptops were they?!
Arnie: Well, Your normal family computer is there, but you're not a normal family, so i thought i add some Ultronian accessories, you know, like extra processing power, Virtual Reality headsets, Laser death beam...
Janet: Laser death beam?
Arnie: You'll think of a use for it
Janet: I think i just have!
(Mrs Raven is finshing one of her usual calls)
Mrs Raven: Goodbye!
Janet: Busy morning?
Mrs Raven: A succession of Nuisence calls, you know the sort of thing, "Help! my underpants are on fire!", been two death threats and even a bomb scare.
Janet: Not much you can do.
Mrs Raven: I could stop making them, but then i'd just get bored.
Piers: Oh, it's that time of the year again.
Mrs Raven: You've CURED SOMEONE!
(After Piers tells Janet and Mrs Raven that Tyler is painting the waiting room of the health centre)
Janet: Tyler, you're not trained as a decorator.
Tyler: I'm not trained as a nanny, but you let me look after your kids.
Janet: Yeah, but this is serious. You need to do a good job.
Tyler: I know, i know someone who does that decorating on the TV. He give me some tips.
Janet: Who do you know, Laurence Llewelyn Bowen?!
Tyler: No, the Dulux dog, we go out for drinks sometimes.
Janet: Right, and what tips did he give you.
Tyler: Eh, never sniff another dogs bottom without asking permission.
(After George tells Janet a ridiculous conspiracy theory after reading the entire internet)
Janet: Most of those conspiracy theories are rubbish, George!
George: So, it's NOT true that aliens walk the earth in human form?
Janet: No, THAT'S true, you ARE one.
(Piers walks into the health centre and is disgusted by Tylers awful mural)
Piers: What the HELL is that!
Tyler: This is a health centre, so I came up with a design that represents "sickness".
Piers: Well, it certainly does that, Tyler.
Tyler: Thank you.
Piers: It looks like you've vomited up the wall.
Tyler: Yeah, but that's only part of my tachnique.
Piers: GET RID OF IT!
Tyler: WHAT?!
Piers: You were meant to paint the walls "Harvest Yellow", not "Mucus Green".
Tyler: EVERYONES A CRITIC!
Peirs: And you'd better finish it today, else I'll be practising medicine out of the back of the van outside some waste grounds and I don't want to go back to those days! THAT'LL make my patients sicker than when they came IN!
Mrs Raven: And that's your job.
(Paints a vertical green "St Andrews" cross on Peirs suit)
(Janet, Tyler and Piers have had their brains filtered, but then the neuro-filtration device overloads as it is used on Mrs Raven)
George: What's happened?
Arnie: uh oh, I think I underestimated the amount of pure evil in Mrs Raven's brain
(Arnie believe the device is damaged beyond repair, is thankful that the others are filtered)
George: Is everyone alright? okay, come on Janet, let's get you home.
Janet (In Piers body): Okay.
George: What are you doing?
Janet (In Piers body): Oh i'm tired George, let's have an early night.
George: What?!
Janet (In Piers body): Actually, i'm not that tired, but we can have an early night anyway.
(looking at Janet's body)
George: Are you alright?
(Janet's body has a scouce accent)
Tyler (in Janet's body): Fine, in fact I feel great, master.
George: Great, who?
Tyler (in Janet's body): Master.
Cassie: Oh oh! It's Tyler! Everybody hide!
Tyler: Master, I bring terrible news! You know the Northholt Women's Institute? They've brought out one of those calendars! (He shows it to George)
George: That's a bit silly! Someone should have told those women they've got no clothes on! And so close to that blender as well!
Janet: Isn't my mother in the WI?
Tyler: Yeah. Don't look at October! But look at tomorrow's date! It's Friday the 13th! The unluckiest date of all! If you walk under a ladder or past a black cat, terrible things will happen!
George: Oh, come on Tyler! Ladders and black cats! What else do we avoid on this Friday the 13th?
Tyler: If you spill salt, you have to throw some over your shoulder!
Janet: Don't step on the cracks on the pavement, that sort of thing.
Tyler: Don't make woodland animals out of marzipan.
Janet: What?
Tyler: Don't dance on linoleum, don't throw hedge clippings at sparrows, don't sing within six feet of a carpet warehouse,but most of all, whatever else happens, don't play the trombone on a bus!
Cassie: I told you to hide!
[Piers has lauched a diet book and distributes it to his patients.]
Janet: (To Mrs. Raven) I suppose you're in on this scam, are you?
Mrs. Raven: No, Janet! How could you think such a thing of me?
Janet: (Looking at the book) I suppose that means you're not the "Mrs. R." in this book who says she's lost 25lbs in one day?
Mrs. Raven: (Looking away) Might be.
Janet: That was the day your triplets were born, wasn't it?
[A pause]
Mrs. Raven: Might have been.
George: What did they teach you at nurses school?
Janet: Well, from memory it went something like this: Get out of bed, you big wuss, you've only got a cut finger.
Janet: Tyler, for the last time, you are not shrinking! Our children are growing, that's why they seem bigger!
Stanley: Give me another, my eyesight is coming back.
Janet: it's hard to say but I think all the arrogance has gone.
Arnie: An exploding head can do that.
(after a selection of spare heads is shown to Janet, she notices that one is missing)
Janet: There's one missing
Tyler: Oh please let me keep her, they must've sent her by mistake.
Janet: Isn't that Anne Robinson?
Arnie: Go on, take her, no one's gonna miss her.
Tyler: C'mon Anne, We'll have an early night, eh.
(Tyler take the "Anne Robinson" head with him)
- created by Paul Mendelson.
- Starring Ardal O’Hanlon, Emily Joyce, Lill Roughley, Tim Wylton, Philip Whitchurch, Lou Hirsch, Geraldine McNulty, Hugh Dennis, Finlay Stroud (voice), Madeline Mortimer (voice).
Catchphrases
- "I am always here" - Piers
- "Zneet znatter zneet" - Ultronian greeting George and Arnie often say to each other
My Hero
[George enters the health centre for the first time, carrying an elderly woman on his back after she fainted.]George: Hello. Where can I put this?
Mrs. Raven: Well, don't give her to me. (She picks up the phone) Janet, out here. (She hangs up again.) Do you know what's wrong with her?
George: Well, she's got rheumatoid arthritis in her left shoulder, a slightly irregular heartbeat and two nasty scars where she was delivered by forceps.
Mrs. Raven: I meant why is she unconscious?
George: Oh, she just fainted.
Mrs. Raven: And you are?
George: Fine. Thanks for asking.
[In Arnie's New York café, he's watching TV with a customer. Arnie has a smug look on his face.]
Commentator: There's two touchdowns. And the Denver Broncos game against the Dallas Cowboys has just ended with a 21-19 victory for the Broncos.
[Arnie turns off the TV]
Arnie: Yes! Thank you! Pay the man!
[He does, reluctantly]
Customer: Every week ya do me! Every week, Arnie!
[He gets up and heads for the door]
Arnie: What can I say? I've got a talent!
Customer: Yeah!
Arnie: I've got a nose...
Customer: Yeah, yeah!
[The man leaves, and Arnie now holds a tape in his hand]
Arnie: I've got a VCR!
[Ella enters the health centre]
Janet: Mum, what are you doing here?
[Ella enters slowly]
Ella: I don't want to come in, not with all these sick people! I told you that outfit does nothing for you!
Janet: I'm a nurse!
Ella: Well, at least accessorise! (She spots Piers) Piers!
Piers: Mrs. Dawkins. Tell me how you stay so young, I'll recommend it on my show.
Ella: Oh, you! (To Janet) He's gorgeous! (Back to Piers) I loved your piece on vericose veins, not that I needed it!
Piers: Oh, heaven forbid! You have the legs of a teenager...
Mrs. Raven: ...on steroids!
George: Right, she's come out for dinner with me, but I don't know what to do next. I need help!
Arnie: Have you got her a present?
George: Surgical stockings.
Arnie: You do need help. Right, you take her back to her place, and you show her the money! If she likes you as George "Surgical Stockings" Sunday, she'll love you as Thermoman!
George: You think so?
Arnie: You're Tom Cruise in tights, only taller!
George: Right, I'll show her what I'm made of. Well, not literally, I mean, she'd faint if I did that.
Piers: Janet, you'll be pleased to know I've decided to forgive you for that bistro mix-up last Tuesday.
Janet: (sarcastically) Oh, good, I can sleep easy again.
Piers: It's not your fault you went to the wrong restaurant. It's something about the female brain holding information.
Janet: Is it?
Piers: You wouldn't believe it. Lots of women I've been out with have had the same problem.
Janet: You don't say. (She leaves) Well, goodnight.
Piers: God, she fancies me. So, Mrs. Raven, you doing anything remotely interesting tonight?
Mrs. Raven: I'm taking the triplets to see the exorcist.
Piers: Hmm. Great movie.
Mrs. Raven: Who's talking about the movie?
Guess Who's Coming to Lunch?
Mrs. Raven: The school's only called again about the triplets' truancy.Janet: Oh, no.
Mrs. Raven: The headmaster's asking if they can stay off next term as well.
Piers: Janet tells me you've bought a pokey little health food shop in the high street.
George: She's right. And if all goes to plan, I hope to greet my first customers tomorrow morning.
Piers: So you open tomorrow?
George: No, we opened a week ago.
Piers: Good lord. You'd think people would be queueing for some of that organic Welsh dandelion mucus bar, wouldn't you?
George: Yeah, you would.
Janet: Sarcasm, George.
George: Oh, right.
Piers: And guess who was guest of honour at the Northholt GP's Annual Dinner Dance last night? Only your favourite television doctor!
George: Not Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman!
Mission Impossible
Piers: (Performs check-up on George as he thinks he's Thermoman) Now, I know we have been rivals for Janet's affectionsGeorge: I think she prefers me, Doctor. She calls you an egocentric slimming bastard
Ella: (About George) I asked him how much television he watches and he said "the whole screen".
[George finds out from Janet about the 'side-effect' Piers has suffered from George erasing his memory, namely, his entire medical knowledge has been wiped.]
George: I've broken the superhero's code! I've injured another human being! I haven't done that since that time a blew a policeman through a wall!
Janet: You blew a policeman through a wall?
George: Yeah, well, I flew into the police station, and he said "Well, blow me!", so I did.
Janet: You're lucky that's all he said...
Thermoman's Greatest Challenge
Piers: (To Thermoman) You fancy her, don't you? (Janet) Let me tell you now, you're not her type. She doesn't go for men who are famous and extremely successful.Thermoman: You know someone like that, do you?
Piers: I am someone like that. (Proudly) And thats not swank.
Thermoman: No?
Piers: I'm no swanker!
Piers: Actually, you can go home early, Mrs. Raven. I'll clear things up here.
Mrs. Raven: Oh, thanks, Doctor. I've gotta get home quickly anyway. My sister's on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, and I've gotta be by the phone.
Piers: Ah, you're one of her "phone-a-friends"?
Mrs. Raven: Yeah, I'll probably get it wrong... I hope I do, I hate my sister!
Piers: Now, Thermoman, I was wondering if you could help me, mate?
Thermoman: Help you mate? Well, sexual problems aren't really my thing...
[Thermoman is guest of honour at a charity party at the health centre. Mrs. Raven is serving wine and cheese]
Mrs. Raven: Wine... Cheese... Wine... Wine... Cheese... Listeria... Cirrhosis of the liver...
Piers: Mrs. Raven, try and be more friendly with them!
[Mrs. Raven goes to the Mayor]
Mrs. Raven: Evening, Mayor. Little wine? Or would it interfere with your antibiotics?
(Thermoman enters for the first time]
Thermoman: Greetings, people of Northholt!
Mrs. Raven: Wine? Cheese? Me?
Thermoman: I cannot, but thank you for the offer!
Piers: "Thermo", mate! Why don't we get a picture of the two 'celebs' together?
Thermoman: Yes, where is the Mayor?
Mrs. Raven: Wine... (Drinks some wine) Cheese... (Eats some cheese) More wine... (Drinks some wine) Sod the cheese! (Drinks more wine, and more wine...)
Piers: Don't you think that's enough wine, Mrs. Raven?
Mrs. Raven: I'll know when I've had too much to drink - I'll get merry!
Piers: And how many drinks will that take?
Mrs. Raven: I don't know, it's never happened yet!
Old Man Riverdance
Janet: George, if your father does let us stay together, and we have children, what would they be like? Human or Ultronian?George: Hmm... Probably a bit of both. In human terms, brilliant! In Ultronian terms, seriously retarded!
The Party's Over
George: (to Arnie) She seems nice (about a woman in the cafe).Arnie: She's a hooker, George.
George: A hooker? God, I love Rugby. (Speaks to woman) Arnie tells me your a hooker. It's a grand old game, very physical. Although I think more women should take it up.
Hooker: You do, do you?
George: Oh yes. Now for me, I prefer to watch. Right now, I have only seen men.
Hooker: Your sick!
George: Nah! It's just a touch of hay fever, thanks for asking
Tyler: (to Mrs. Raven) When can I see you again?
Mrs. Raven: When Hell freezes over!
Tyler: Tuesday it is, then.
Parents
[Ella is the leading lady in a new play.]Ella: They're saying it's the NADS' best production yet!
George: The NADS?
Piers: Yes. The good old Northholt Amateur Dramatic Society.
George: But... that's GONADS!
Girlfriend
[Xil, supposedly George’s Ultronian fiancée, has come to claim him]George: Actually, I feel a bit sorry for her. It's not hard to see why she's come. Poor girl.
Janet: Poor girl?!
George: Yeah, you only have to look at her. Honestly, how is a girl who looks like that ever going to find a husband?
Janet: George, here on Earth, a girl who looks like that could get anyone as a husband!
George: Really? Even with those long, shapely legs? And those boring, perfectly spherical breasts? What a ridiculous planet this is!
Piers: Alright, Mrs. Bennett, just keep putting the cream on it, but if it gets any worse, be a love and change doctors, okay?
George: Mrs. Raven, it's incredible! You look even more miserable than usual!
Janet: George, Mrs. Raven isn't herself today.
George: That must be a relief! For both of you!
[George asks Arnie for advice on trying to get out of marrying Xil]
George: Can you remember back to something very significant we both did when we were six?
Arnie: All kids do that kind of stuff, it doesn't make you any less of a man...
Ella: Janet, can I have a little word?
Janet: Yep. How about 'go'?
[As George prepares to leave Earth for good...]
Arnie: You ready, George?
George: No, Arnie. This is the darkest, most depressing day of my existence. Life doesn't get any worse than this.
Arnie: You wanna hear my best man speech?
George: I stand corrected.
Car
George: Arnie, if I gave you your powers back, and you then saw a woman trapped in the path of a speeding train, would you: A) rescue her, B) rescue her and charge a fee, or C) rescue her, ask her to sleep with you, and if she refuses, throw her back in front of the train?Arnie: Can I phone a friend?
Mrs Raven: Flu? You're coming in here with flu?!
Patient nods, Mrs Raven holds and piece of cabbage on a stick over her mouth and rings a bell twice
Mrs Raven: Unclean! Unclean!
Mrs Raven stops ringing the bell
Mrs Raven: You, over there
Mrs Raven points to the seats surrounded by a fence with a biohazard sign attached to it, spraying the patient as she takes her seat
Janet: Did you get to your anger management class last night?
Mrs Raven: No, the therapist is still in intensive care
Nemesis
[George is fixing things on the shelf behind the counter in his shop. He turns round and jumps in fright, screaming. Mrs. Raven is standing there.]Mrs. Raven: Did I scare ya?
George: You always scare me, Mrs. Raven.
Mrs. Raven: The triplets are giving me bother again.
George: Oh, right. Well, I've got just the thing for headaches...
Mrs. Raven: No, I want something to deal with the triplets!
George: Mrs. Raven! I've told you before, I can't sell chloroform over the counter!
Mrs. Raven: Have you ever seen my triplets?
[She gets a photograph out of her handbag and shows it to George. He screams again.]
Mrs. Raven: Yeah, that's the standard reaction.
George: (Nervously) Are... are those horns?
Mrs. Raven: No, that's just the way they like to gel their hair!
George: What age were they then?
Mrs. Raven: 6, 6, and 6! I couldn't have had a bigger omen!
Piers: (being possessed by Rovi Grubbeldim) I'm going to destroy the whole world and everybody in it...apart from Britney Spears; I quite like her.
George: If you refuse the sacred challenge you're sent to the four corners of the galaxy...in four seperate packing cases.
[Piers, being possessed by Rovi Grubbeldim, cackles villainously.]
George: Why do you keep doing that?
Piers: It underscores my evil - it's a flourish.
Baby Talk
George: I don't care what they say... Babies are more tiring than volcanoes!Janet: How could something so small be so troublesome?
George: Now, there's no need to get personal.
Janet: I meant the baby.
Janet: You’d better speak to him before my mother sees him. And she’ll want to see him before the christening.
George: What’s the christening?
Janet: It’s when you’re accepted into the church. You've heard of Jesus Christ?
George: That’s what most people say when they see Thermoman.
Janet: Well, he was this really great man who healed the sick and walked on water...
George: The baby walked on water last night in the bath! Jesus was an Ultronian!
Janet: You’ve picked a name for him already!
George: Yep. I’ve found the perfect name. It’s a biblical name, and it means something nice on Ultron.
Janet: Oh, really? Well what is it?
George: Pontius.
Janet: Pontius? As in Pontius Pilate?
George: Yeah. It means “great warrior” on Ultron.
Janet: It means “great bastard” here.
George: And his second name is Ulrich. That was my mother’s name. It means "warm heart"
Janet: George, I am NOT naming my son Pontius Ulrich Sunday! More than anything, it spells pus!
Arnie: (to Mrs. Raven) Hey, Phantom of the Opera! How'd you like a stallion between your sheets?
Mrs. Raven: I'd sooner sleep with an incontinent skunk! Get your coat.
Arnie: (to George) Romance is not dead!
Zero Tolerance
Piers: I stopped a little vandal this week spraying “poser” on my brand new customised Porsche.George: Oh yes, I saw that. And on the other side he'd written "Useless toss-"
Piers: Yes, thank you George! So I hauled him down to the police station. A small struggle, but I managed to get the better of him. And did they charge him? No, they did not! Honestly, these 5-year-olds can get away with murder!
Mrs. Raven: I made 4 citizen's arrests this week.
Stanley: Really? What were they for?
Mrs. Raven: Wasting a medical receptionist's time!
Stanley: I don’t think that's actually an offence, Mrs. Raven.
Mrs. Raven: Well, it's an offence to me! Coming here, wanting to change their appointments! So I arrested four of them and took them straight down to the police station.
Stanley: And did they press charges?
Mrs. Raven: Yeah. They charged me with wasting police time!
George and Arnie: Zneet znatter zneet!
Tyler: Zneet znatter zneet!
Arnie: Tyler, this is an Ultronian thing. We don't do it with humans. Not even weird ones.
Tyler: Oh, okay. (He slowly walks away, upset)
George: Oh, alright then.
George and Tyler: Zneet znatter zneet!
Tyler: Zneet znatter znooding zneet!
(George and Arnie recoil)
George: That's disgusting.
Arnie: Not to mention illegal!
[Ultron Postman enters the flat from the bathroom and hands a blue envelope to George. He then goes out the way he came.]
Janet: Does he have to come in through there? Last time I was in the shower.
George: Oh, it's alright. He didn't mind.
Pet Rescue
Janet: We're looking after Biggles, Mum and Dad's dog, for a couple of weeks.Mrs. Raven: How old is it?
Janet: About 5, I think.
Mrs. Raven: Not much of an innings is it?
Janet: Innings?
Mrs. Raven: Well, it's gonna die, isn't it? Every time you look after someone's pet, they always die and they never forgive you.
Janet: It's not going to die, Mrs. Raven.
Mrs. Raven: Where is it now?
Janet: With George.
Mrs Raven: It's gonna die. Painfully, probably.
Janet: Mrs. Raven...
Mrs. Raven: Do you know, I looked after my cousin's cat once. The next day, it was run over and killed. My cousin never forgave me.
Janet: It's hardly your fault if someone... You were driving the car, weren't you?
Mrs. Raven: I hated that cat.
The Older Man
Janet: Mrs. Raven, were there ever times when you thought your husband wasn't quite the man you married?Mrs. Raven: Yeah, once. But it was my own fault. I shouldn't have kicked him there in the first place.
[Piers comes out of his office with a young blonde girl named Hayley, whom he has been 'interviewing' for a job as a nurse.]
Hayley: Look at this, girls! He's signed my T-shirt! I'm so lucky!
Janet: Not as lucky as him. That was a short interview.
Hayley: Oh, it's not over yet. I've passed my Part One, but Part Two is all about "restaurant technique", apparently.
Mrs. Raven: Make sure you drink plenty, or you won't enjoy Part Three much...
[George is aging very fast]
Arnie: There is one thing you can do, George. But it's very risky.
George: What?
Arnie: You can go through... The Flaming Time Tunnels of Tarxis.
Tyler: Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!
[Tyler opens up his jacket to reveal a T-shirt underneath reading "I went through The Flaming Time Tunnels of Tarxis"]
Arnie: It reverses an Ultronian's aging process by re-jiggin' the age hormones. Many Ultronian women use it instead of a face lift.
George: Oh, yes, I remember. Who's that famous Ultronian?
Arnie: Her Earth name is Joan Collins. She's been through so many times, she's got a season ticket.
Puttin' On The Writs
Mrs. Raven: (About her triplets) They're at that difficult age. Too old for borstal, too young for prison.George: Tyler, why is your sofa covered in Bacofoil?
Tyler: The very fact you’re asking me proves that it’s working!
[Later on, Ella and Janet enter Tyler's flat]
Ella: Why is your sofa covered in Bacofoil?
Tyler: So it can't be microwaved.
Ella: Er, I'll stand.
Mrs. Raven: (to Arnie) Right, pay attention, pond scum. Calls here fall into three categories. "Urgent", "Very Urgent", "Life or Death". "Urgent": Put on Hold. "Very Urgent": Disconnect. "Life or Death": Tell them you're the maitre'd of the local Chinese restaurant.
Mrs. Raven: You tricked me! I should have known you wouldn't have known what to do if confronted by a poisonous insect!
George: Well, what I usually do is say "Good Morning, Mrs. Raven!"
Shock, Horror!
[George is getting careless with his hero-ing whilst trying to rescue people and tend to a sick Ollie at the same time]Janet: Take yesterday, for example. You had to deflect that comet from the Earth, put out that forest fire, and rescue those hostages. And what did you do?
George: I rescued the comet, blew the hostages into the fire, and threw up.
Janet: Exactly.
George: At least I put out the fire.
Little Green Man
[In the shop]Arnie: Quiet, ain't it?
Tyler: Yeah!
Arnie: I mean, why isn't this store gettin' more business? It's got a prime spot in the high street, it's well stocked... I just don’t understand!
[The door opens, and a woman comes in]
Arnie and Tyler: We're closed!
[She exits again]
Arnie: Hey, did you hear that Piers is getting married? What an idiot!
Tyler: What have you got against marriage, O, former king of the cosmos? You've done it enough times!
Arnie: Exactly! It's hard work! "Love, honour and obey!" Talk about multi-tasking!
[Arnie shared a piece of cake with Janet, a great offence to Ultronians which makes George literally turn green with jealousy. Tyler enters and pretends not to notice.]
Janet: It's alright, Tyler. I can see it too.
Tyler: God, that's a relief! Last time I saw something like that, they increased my medication!
[Piers is getting married, little does he know he’s being used by his 'fiancée' Carol to get her a big TV job]
Carol: Fantastic news! "Hey There!" Magazine say they'll print our wedding photos! And, if we get a bottle of Wash & Go into every shot, they'll split the profit!
Piers: Fab! So, we've got Pot Noodle doing the catering, booze courtesy of Heineken, and the cake's being made by Utterly Butterly!
Mrs. Raven: (Sarcastically) Oh, how romantic! So, will it be a white wedding?
Piers: Certainly not! It'll be Orange... unless I can do a deal with Vodafone!
Piers: Are you wearing make-up, George?
George: Course I am. Plenty of men wear make-up... Boy George... Marilyn Manson... Judith Chalmers...
Piers: Hmm... Perfectly normal, then...
[At the bookies]
Arnie: Terry, I just got another hot tip... "Barnacle Bill" in the 2.30 at Haydock Park!
Terry: OK, and I’ve got a tip for you!
Arnie: I'm listenin'!
Terry: (He points to his left) Start running in that direction, very very fast!
Arnie: Huh?
[He turns round, and Mrs. Raven punches him and storms off again. He staggers to his feet]
Arnie: Good tip!
A Day to Remember
Janet: He still remembers he's George Sunday; he's just forgotten he's Thermoman.Arnie: So the world's lost a superhero but still has an Irish shopkeeper in Northolt?
A Sporting Chance
Janet: Dad, how are your cataracts?Stanley: Well, when I look at your mother, she's just a blur! So they're not too bad really!
[Janet persuades George to join Piers' Sunday league cricket team]
George: Cricket? That's the one with the hoops?
Janet: No, that's croquet! Cricket's the one where you hit a ball with a bat and try to score runs.
Arnie: That's baseball!
Janet: Yes, but it's also cricket!
George: So, they're both the same?
Janet: No, in baseball they have a pitcher.
George: Pitcher, right. (He begins to write everything down on a notepad)
Arnie: Yeah, and if the batter swings and misses three times, it's three strikes, and he's out!
George: (Still writing) Three strikes, and he's out! This is all beginning to make sense now, Janet!
Janet: You're not playing baseball!
George: Then why are you telling me about it?
Tyler: Master, let me explain.
Janet: Thank you, Tyler!
Tyler: Cricket's different to baseball, because in cricket, you not only have a bat and a ball, but you also have also horses and leather-clad women with metal spikes!
Janet: No, you don't!!!!!
Tyler: You do in my version!
Piers: Ah, George! Just the man! (He produces an envelope from his jacket) This is for you!
George: Oh, thank you, Piers! Is this the cheque for "man of the match"?
Piers: No, it's the bill for my car. Pay today, or I'll start charging interest!
Janet: Piers, aren't you forgetting something? George hit four sixes!
Piers: Oh, yes! (He produces another envelope and gives it to George) And this is the bill for the pavillion window.
Janet: I mean, he won you the game! Aw, you're not still upset that he played better than you?
Piers: I could have played professionally! (Smugly) The day I gave up cricket and became a doctor, a lot of people were very sad indeed!
Janet: Your patients, mainly!
Piers: I was the best player on that pitch! Besides, cricket's a team game! (Smugly again) George would never beat me in direct competition!
Janet: I think he can!
Piers: Ten quid says he won't! (He turns to George) What are you like at tennis?
George: Is that the one with the net?
Piers: (Back to Janet) How about twenty quid?
Janet: Now, Piers, just keep telling yourself that.
Piers: You... You're right, Janet. I am not a loser... I... am not... a loser...
George: Hi, Piers! Fancy a game of golf, or even squash?
Piers: I AM a loser! I AM a loser!
The Living Dead
George: You are going to be so proud of me!Janet: Why do those words always scare me?
George: I've got myself a pension, it's brilliant! The pension man said if I pay in until I'm 65, then they'll pay me for the rest of my life! That's 897 years!
Janet: (sarcastically) Fantastic!
George: Oh, and even better! I've got myself some life insurance!
Janet: George, there's no point! You'll never collect!
George: Oh, I will with this one! The way he explained it was like this: I pay them £100 a month, and then, if I fall under a bus, they pay you £60,000! So I paid him the £100, and I went straight out and fell under the first bus I could find! You can collect whenever you like!
[George was 'dead' for ten minutes and then came back to life. It turns out he has a heart defect which means both his hearts stop for a few minutes before starting up again]
Tyler: Oh, master! You have died and come back to life! Truly you are like he who has gone before you!
George: Who's that then?
Tyler: E.T.!
[A man enters the health centre with a bump on his head]
Mrs. Raven: Yeah, name?
Man: I know this might sound odd, but I'm afraid I don't know my name! I've just been mugged and I've lost my memory! Do you think I could see the doctor?
Mrs. Raven: You one of his patients?
Man: Well, I don't know! As I say, I've lost my memory!
Mrs. Raven: Can't help you, then! Bye!
[The man exits, Janet and George enter]
Janet: Oh dear, he didn't look too good!
Mrs. Raven: Who, Mr. Davies? No, he didn't did he?
[Janet’s parents are coming over to 'comfort' her over losing George when he 'dies' in front of everyone. George is lying in a coffin in the front room]
George: Tyler, listen! Janet's parents will be here in a moment, and I need your help!
Tyler: I would do anything in the world for you, Master! Anything at all!
George: Good! Can you keep a secret?
Tyler: No.
George: Well, just try! The thing is, I'm pretending to be dead!
Tyler: You're not pretending very well, Master! I can see you moving!
George: No, no, I'm not pretending to you, I'm pretending to everyone else!
Tyler: They can see you moving as well!
George: Not the people in this room! I'm pretending to everyone not in this room!
Tyler: But they're not in this room!
George: No, but they will be!
Tyler: Oh, right!
George: So you all know I'm alive, but when Janet's parents turn up, what are you going to tell them?
Tyler: You're pretending to be dead!
George: No! I really am dead!
Tyler: You really are dead? So I'm hallucinating again?
[The doorbell rings. Janet goes to answer it.]
Janet: They're here! Quick, lie down!
George: Arnie, explain it to him!
Arnie: Tyler, how can I explain this in a way you'll understand?
[A pause, then Arnie punches Tyler]
Arnie: I can't!
Taking the Credit
[George and Janet are chronically in debt]George: I've solved our problem. I've consolidated all our debts into one easy payment!
Janet: Oh, no! Not with one of those companies that advertises on the telly!
George: No, no, Janet. I've heard all about them. That's why I went to this disused warehouse, and spoke to a guy called "Big Reg"!
Janet: What?
George: Now, we only have to pay £3,000...
Janet: That's brilliant!
George: ...a month, for the next ten years! It's all part of Big Reg's "Miss a payment, Lose a limb!" plan!
Tyler: I used to be poor. Back when I were a farmer. Eventually, we got so poor, my mum sent me to market with our one remaining cow. So I took it to market, and on the way there I met a bloke who bought it off me for some magic beans! When I took them home, my mum was so furious she threw them out of the window...
Janet: No, don't tell me! When you woke up the next morning, they'd grown into a massive beanstalk!
Tyler: No! They weren't magic at all! What a swizz!
George: It's OK, if you paid for them with a credit card, you're automatically covered...
[Later on, Arnie suggests that to solve the family's financial 'crisis', Ollie should fix the numbers so they 'win' the lottery]
Tyler: Don't do it! My life was hell when I won!
Janet: You won the lottery? What did you do with the money?
Tyler: I bought some more magic beans...
[At their celebration party]
George: Tyler, I hope you liked those Ultronian magic beans I bought you. They really are magic, you know!
Tyler: Magic? They were delicious!
Janet: Did you get rid of all those begging letters?
George: Yes. There was even one for you, Janet, asking for £5,000. But I just wrote back to them, and told them to get stuffed!
Janet: Well done!
George: By the way, who are the Inland Revenue?
[Janet's eyes widen]
It's All in the Mind
Tyler: I raised money for charity for people with psychiatric problems as like I said to Gandalf, the other day, there's but the grace of God.(after George wants the ancient power of mascara or telepathy to put it in simpler terms to check whether someone is lying or not)
Tyler: Brilliant master, do it, do it.
Janet: You want him to know what you're thinking?
Tyler: Oh yeah, so he can tell me, 'cause I don't know what I'm thinking.
Mrs. Raven: (thinking)What shall I do on Sunday? Oh, I know, I'll take Mum out. Take her on a nice drive down to Margate... and leave her there! I'll teach her to forget my birthday!
(after George has been told, thanks to his damning end of year report on humanity, that the Earth is to be destroyed in 22 hours, this shocks Janet, especially as George received an commendation for the quality of his report)
Janet: BIG BLOODY DEAL! Blow up the earth?!
George: I thought they were overreacting, personally.
Janet: OVERREACTING?!
George: There's no need to shout, Janet.
Janet: OF COURSE i'll shout, they gonna blow up the earth!
George: I thought they'd just punish you in the usual way.
Janet: What do you mean?
George: Who do you think sent David Dickinson?
Big
(Mrs Raven has her head down, a patient is walking towards her)Patient: Excuse me
(Mrs Raven looks up, she looks bored)
Mrs Raven: What?
(Patient is holding a small urine sample jar)
Patient: The Doctor asked me for a sample
(Mrs Raven briefly looks at it before looking back at the Patient)
Mrs Raven: You missed
Patient: It's just that I...can't go
(Mrs Raven's mood is getting more sinister, she is starting to give an evil smile)
Mrs Raven: And you want something to help you?
Patient: Yeah
(Mrs Raven brings out a nasty looking device with a corkscrew at one end, this gives the Patient a large urge to go to the toilet, he runs to the toilet)
Patient: Thanks!
(Ollie is suffering from accelerated growth, Arnie doesn't know what it is, after Tyler says it's Neptune Flu, Janet shouts at him)
Arnie: Remember when I told about the Devil Women of Zytog?
Tyler: After mating, they rip off their men's heads and use them for fruit bowls.
Arnie: Pussy cats compared to a worried earth mom.
(Tyler looks at Janet with a concerned look)
Tyler: Message Received.
(Dr Chelsea has told the others that Ollivia's second heart has collapsed, unless she gets a transplant, she's dead, Dr Chelsea says that George is one of the compatile doners, George offers to give her one of his hearts)
Arnie: Losing a heart has gotta affect your superpowers.
Dr Chelsea: he'll be able to deal with most emergancys as long as they happen within the M25.
Arnie: You're indespensible, how are you gonna feel if a disaster comes and loads of people are killed.
Janet: This is our daughter.
George: That's right, what's the point in saving the world, if I can't even save my own child.
Arnie: There might be another way, who's the other doner?
(Dr Chelsea checks her device)
Dr Chelsea: You.
Arnie: You're not dispensible, go on! give her your heart!
George: Don't worry, i'm not going to ask you to do it.
Arnie: You know I would but...I only got one heart.
Janet: What happened to your other one?.
Arnie: There was this poker game and the stakes got a little heavy and...I really DID leave my heart in San Francisco.
(after Arnie is apprehensive about replacing his heart with a mechanical one)
Janet: What? A child dies? Earth loses it's greatest defender or you have to have an oil change every 10 billion beats?!
(in the health centre, after Arnie has had his transplant)
Janet: Arnie, thank you so much for helping Ollie. How's the new heart?
Arnie: Well, i'm still gettin' used to it(A patient's mobile phone rings. Arnie vibrates on the spot)Answer it! Answer it! (turns back to George and Janet) Dr. Chelsea said that'll stop happening in a day or two.
Space Virus
(After George, Janet, Arnie and Tyler have found out that Mrs Raven has become 'The Raven' and has just dumped Walt Disney World in the heart of Siberia)Arnie: Let's see if I've got this right, your parents have refused to do rescues in China?
Janet: They say it's full of Communists.
George: And the Raven just snatched all the nuns from the vatican and flew them to the late night floor show in Las Vegas
Arnie: Did they watch it?
George: WATCH it? they were IN it!
Janet: And this morning, she wizzed round to all the cinemas and swapped the last reel of Harry Potter for night of the living dead
Tyler: I thought Harry didn't look so good towards the end
The Mayor of Northholt
[Arnie is running George's campaign to be elected mayor, but Mrs. Raven is running Piers' campaign...]Mrs. Raven: How will you be voting in the election?
Patient: I don't know, I... I've not decided.
Mrs. Raven: Well, put it this way. Those voting for Dr. Crispin will be seen within 20 minutes. "Don't know" is in 3 hours, and if you're voting for George Sunday, you're looking at Christmas 2012! Now, does that help you decide?
Patient: Yes, er, thank you!
[Ella and Stanley go up to the reception desk]
Stanley: I think we missed our turn again. We need some more sleeping pills. Something a bit stronger.
Mrs. Raven: But you've already had enough to kill a small rhinoceros!
Stanley: (looks at Ella) Nope, she's still standing.
Ella: Look, I've got a migraine now! I need something for that as well.
Stanley: And I need something for this earache!
Ella: What brought that on?
Stanley: You moaning about your migraine!
[George enters with his election poster]
George: Mrs. Raven, is it alright if I put up my poster?
Mrs. Raven: Suit yourself... (George goes to pin it up on top of Piers' poster) Do you mind if I break both your legs?
Arnie: What we need is a slogan. Something that deals with the issues... Got it! "Piers has sex with badgers!"
George: Now, come on, Arnie, we can't prove that! Can we? I want a slogan that's truthful.
Janet: OK, how about "Trust me, I'm an alien?
[Arnie puts up a George poster in the street, but Mrs. Raven then pastes a Piers one over it.]
Mrs. Raven: Outta my way, scumbag!
Arnie: Get lost, pitbull!
Mrs. Raven: This is my patch!
Arnie: Oh, yeah? Says who?
Mrs. Raven: Says me and this 5 litre bucket of poster glue!
Arnie: It's you who's gonna get a pasting! You couldn't even run a bath, let alone a campaign, toadface!
Mrs. Raven: I haven't even started yet, bogbrain!
[She storms off. Arnie and Tyler watch her go.]
Tyler: And they say the standard of political debate has gone down...
[Mrs. Raven threatens Arnie if George wins]
George: She's up to something. Something we haven't thought of.
Tyler: Edible ballots... (gasps) She's gonna eat our votes!
Arnie: Don't be ridiculous!
Tyler: Well, it's something we hadn't thought of...
[Piers and George at th Mayor's debate]
Piers: Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Mayorol Debate
George: Oh, I haven't heard so much rubbish in all me life
Piers: We haven't started yet
George: Oh? Sorry.
Time and Time Again
George: We've had some terrible news. Apparently, the sun's spun out of orbit and we're all going to die.Mrs. Raven: Good, I hate this planet.
George: When I fixed your arm, you turned bald
Janet: Attractively bald?
George: You looked like TYLER!!!
Tyler: Oh that's good, i thought something terrible happened to you
Brain Drain
(After Arnie reveals George and Janet's new computer which is connected to a large complex machine that is beyond Earth technology)Janet: Out of laptops were they?!
Arnie: Well, Your normal family computer is there, but you're not a normal family, so i thought i add some Ultronian accessories, you know, like extra processing power, Virtual Reality headsets, Laser death beam...
Janet: Laser death beam?
Arnie: You'll think of a use for it
Janet: I think i just have!
(Mrs Raven is finshing one of her usual calls)
Mrs Raven: Goodbye!
Janet: Busy morning?
Mrs Raven: A succession of Nuisence calls, you know the sort of thing, "Help! my underpants are on fire!", been two death threats and even a bomb scare.
Janet: Not much you can do.
Mrs Raven: I could stop making them, but then i'd just get bored.
Piers: Oh, it's that time of the year again.
Mrs Raven: You've CURED SOMEONE!
(After Piers tells Janet and Mrs Raven that Tyler is painting the waiting room of the health centre)
Janet: Tyler, you're not trained as a decorator.
Tyler: I'm not trained as a nanny, but you let me look after your kids.
Janet: Yeah, but this is serious. You need to do a good job.
Tyler: I know, i know someone who does that decorating on the TV. He give me some tips.
Janet: Who do you know, Laurence Llewelyn Bowen?!
Tyler: No, the Dulux dog, we go out for drinks sometimes.
Janet: Right, and what tips did he give you.
Tyler: Eh, never sniff another dogs bottom without asking permission.
(After George tells Janet a ridiculous conspiracy theory after reading the entire internet)
Janet: Most of those conspiracy theories are rubbish, George!
George: So, it's NOT true that aliens walk the earth in human form?
Janet: No, THAT'S true, you ARE one.
(Piers walks into the health centre and is disgusted by Tylers awful mural)
Piers: What the HELL is that!
Tyler: This is a health centre, so I came up with a design that represents "sickness".
Piers: Well, it certainly does that, Tyler.
Tyler: Thank you.
Piers: It looks like you've vomited up the wall.
Tyler: Yeah, but that's only part of my tachnique.
Piers: GET RID OF IT!
Tyler: WHAT?!
Piers: You were meant to paint the walls "Harvest Yellow", not "Mucus Green".
Tyler: EVERYONES A CRITIC!
Peirs: And you'd better finish it today, else I'll be practising medicine out of the back of the van outside some waste grounds and I don't want to go back to those days! THAT'LL make my patients sicker than when they came IN!
Mrs Raven: And that's your job.
(Paints a vertical green "St Andrews" cross on Peirs suit)
(Janet, Tyler and Piers have had their brains filtered, but then the neuro-filtration device overloads as it is used on Mrs Raven)
George: What's happened?
Arnie: uh oh, I think I underestimated the amount of pure evil in Mrs Raven's brain
(Arnie believe the device is damaged beyond repair, is thankful that the others are filtered)
George: Is everyone alright? okay, come on Janet, let's get you home.
Janet (In Piers body): Okay.
George: What are you doing?
Janet (In Piers body): Oh i'm tired George, let's have an early night.
George: What?!
Janet (In Piers body): Actually, i'm not that tired, but we can have an early night anyway.
(looking at Janet's body)
George: Are you alright?
(Janet's body has a scouce accent)
Tyler (in Janet's body): Fine, in fact I feel great, master.
George: Great, who?
Tyler (in Janet's body): Master.
Fear and Clothing
[The doorbell rings. George goes to answer it.]Cassie: Oh oh! It's Tyler! Everybody hide!
Tyler: Master, I bring terrible news! You know the Northholt Women's Institute? They've brought out one of those calendars! (He shows it to George)
George: That's a bit silly! Someone should have told those women they've got no clothes on! And so close to that blender as well!
Janet: Isn't my mother in the WI?
Tyler: Yeah. Don't look at October! But look at tomorrow's date! It's Friday the 13th! The unluckiest date of all! If you walk under a ladder or past a black cat, terrible things will happen!
George: Oh, come on Tyler! Ladders and black cats! What else do we avoid on this Friday the 13th?
Tyler: If you spill salt, you have to throw some over your shoulder!
Janet: Don't step on the cracks on the pavement, that sort of thing.
Tyler: Don't make woodland animals out of marzipan.
Janet: What?
Tyler: Don't dance on linoleum, don't throw hedge clippings at sparrows, don't sing within six feet of a carpet warehouse,but most of all, whatever else happens, don't play the trombone on a bus!
Cassie: I told you to hide!
[Piers has lauched a diet book and distributes it to his patients.]
Janet: (To Mrs. Raven) I suppose you're in on this scam, are you?
Mrs. Raven: No, Janet! How could you think such a thing of me?
Janet: (Looking at the book) I suppose that means you're not the "Mrs. R." in this book who says she's lost 25lbs in one day?
Mrs. Raven: (Looking away) Might be.
Janet: That was the day your triplets were born, wasn't it?
[A pause]
Mrs. Raven: Might have been.
George: What did they teach you at nurses school?
Janet: Well, from memory it went something like this: Get out of bed, you big wuss, you've only got a cut finger.
Big Bother
Tyler: Mistress, I need your help, I'm a bit scared!Janet: Tyler, for the last time, you are not shrinking! Our children are growing, that's why they seem bigger!
Top of the Table
(Ella has gone into the nurses office, waiting for Stanley to join her in a game of "Doctors and nurses, while the health centre has become a speakeasy during Thermoman's "prohibition", both she and Stanley are drunk, Mrs Raven serves him some of her Homemade booze)Stanley: Give me another, my eyesight is coming back.
Believe
(George's head has just exploded, a failsafe to prevent him from getting too "Big-headed")Janet: it's hard to say but I think all the arrogance has gone.
Arnie: An exploding head can do that.
(after a selection of spare heads is shown to Janet, she notices that one is missing)
Janet: There's one missing
Tyler: Oh please let me keep her, they must've sent her by mistake.
Janet: Isn't that Anne Robinson?
Arnie: Go on, take her, no one's gonna miss her.
Tyler: C'mon Anne, We'll have an early night, eh.
(Tyler take the "Anne Robinson" head with him)