Psych Quotations

Psych is an American television series, airing on the USA Network, about a young police consultant whose eidetic memory and impressive detective skills lead people to believe that he's psychic.

Pilot [1.1]

Gus: You named your fake detective agency "Psych?" Why didn't you just call it "Hey, we're fooling you and the police department; hope we don't make a mistake and somebody dies because of it."

Shawn: First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long; it would never fit on the window. And secondly, the best way you convince people you're not lying to them is to tell them you are!

Lassiter: Don't you try and trivialize police work.

Shawn: I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself.

Lassiter: You have a criminal record.

Shawn: I was 18.

Lassiter: Oh, 18? Well that makes it okay, let me just scratch this out.

Gus: You're dating a murderer!

Shawn: Not exclusively.

Shawn: This is a great plan! Camden McCallum deserves to be commended.

Gus: Maybe you should date him too!

Shawn: Maybe I will!

The Spellingg Bee [1.2]

Gus: You don't smell that?

Shawn: I don't smell anything.

Gus: That's because you don't have the Super Smeller!

Shawn: Okay, you have got to stop calling your nose the Super Smeller. If you want to name a body part, man, name your butt. Call it the Tight-Bouncer or the Hexagon.

Shawn: I'm kind of a slave to my visions. I'm a slave.

Shawn: Kudos on the childrearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.

Shawn: Actually, we'd like to start with the contestants still in the running. And let's start with the shifty-eyed ones!

Shawn: Dude, what is your glitch?

Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Piece [1.3]

Gus: So now I have a cat?

Shawn: An orange tabby. Last year you made her a tiny Santa hat, it was adorable.

Gus: Fantastic, now I can't even have an imaginary boy cat.

Shawn: Gus, a boy cat wouldn't serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.

Gus: Pickles?

Shawn: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though I'm not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.

Gus: Yeah? Well, in a related issue, I'm blocking your number on all the phones in the office.

Gus: I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze!

Shawn: What, you mean like an impersonator?

Gus: No, I think it was actually Patrick Swayze!

Shawn: Here, let me read your palm.

Juliet: How about just one finger?

Woman Seeking Dead Husband - Smokers Okay, No Pets [1.4]

Shawn: I'm not a mind reader.

Gus: No, that's just what you tell everybody.

[Shawn pretends to feel a spirit in the records room so he can look at a case file]

Shawn: Yes, I can feel her all right. She's over by the W's.

Sgt. Allen: Why?

Shawn: No. W.

9 Lives [1.5]

Gus: How do you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there?

Shawn: What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?

Shawn: The cat is not my new partner, Gus; don't be ridiculous.

Gus: Then tell me again why the cat gets to ride shotgun?

[watching Tilden's cat lick itself]

Shawn: There is a witness. There's a cat. I want to talk to that cat as soon as he's done licking himself... wow, I'm jealous.

Shawn: Let me tell you something. This cat here is a gift, a conduit for us to save lives. And he has more integrity in his furry little hand...

Gus: Paw.

Shawn: Paw. Than most people have in their whole appendages... Appendages?

Gus: What?

Shawn: All of. Than most people have in all of their appendages... combined.

[While looking at an apartment under the guise of a gay couple]

Shawn: Ooh Gus! Good news, shower for two.

Weekend Warriors [1.6]

[Lassiter is wearing a fake beard]

Gus: Is that Lassiter? What died on his face?

[Shawn, Gus and Lassiter find one of the Civil War re-enactors with a very real bullet wound]

Shawn: Either that guy is a phenomenal actor... or he's dead.

Sally: [Gus is wearing his Civil War uniform and plume] I think you look dashing. Personally I always loved the marching band.

Receptionist: There is a Lt. Crunch here to see you.

Gus: Crunch?

[Shawn enters dressed in Civil War uniform]

Shawn: Actually I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.

[Setting the inscription of a watch for his son]

Henry: "Love Dad?" Why don't you just put "kissy kissy?"

Who Ya Gonna Call? [1.7]

Shawn: Good morning, detectives! Collecting donations for the policeman's ball?

Lassiter: We don't have balls.

Shawn: I honestly have no response to that.

Lassiter: Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?

Shawn: Uhh... the case gets solved?

Gus: When I asked her her name, Shawn, she said, "My name—"

[Shawn cuts in with a high pitched voice]

Shawn: "My name is Wilting Flower, I died without knowing love, will you be my friend?"

Gus: H-how did you know that? I never told that to anyone before!

Shawn: I was Wilting Flower! Gus! I can't believe you fell for that!

Amy Kessler: He was drunk and pretended that she had him confused with someone else. He said his name was—get this—Martin Brody.

Shawn: Martin Brody? [Pause] Roy Scheider's character from Jaws?

Amy Kessler: Yes. How did you know?

Shawn: ...I've seen Jaws.

Gus: Don't touch that, it's blood.

Shawn: It's not blood.

Gus: Enjoy your hepatitis.

Gus: I have to get back to work.

Shawn: Gus? The plot is thickening!

Gus: Shawn, I've already missed two days this week.

Shawn: Oh, fine, fine, fine. I respect your wishes. Jerk chicken.

Gus: You know that's right.

[Shawn is now driving, and Gus is just waking up]

Shawn: There he is.

Gus: What time is it?

Shawn: Day time.

Gus: What happened?

Shawn: Uh... I might have dropped six allergy pills in your Frosty while you were peeing.

Shawn vs. The Red Phantom [1.8]

Juliet: You're not hired. I can't pay you. If it turns out there's something to it, I'll make sure you get put on the case. That's all I can do.

Shawn: Juliet, I'm quite sure we could work out some kind of services exchange. You see I like to do some sketching myself and sometimes I need a model.

Juliet: Huh! [gets up and walks from the room]

Shawn: Was that inappropriate? ...Felt ok.

Shawn: This place is trashed.

Gus: Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by.

Shawn: I'm sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992?

Juliet: I don't ask questions I don't want to know the answers to.

Shawn: Then never ask your boyfriend if he thinks your sister's hot.

Juliet: I don't have a sister.

Shawn: How about a boyfriend?

Vick: My water just broke.

Lassiter: Are you sure?

Vick: No, Carlton, there's water spilling out of me for some other reason!

Lassiter: Oh no... Oh, can you move my briefcase?

Shawn: Wait, was this the movie you dragged me to where the hero had big nipples on the outside of his costume?

Hiltz Kooler: [quietly] Damn those nipples!

Shawn: [chuckles] They were like big, angry marshmallows!

Forget Me Not [1.9]

Gus: What are you doing? We don't know anything about delivering warthog babies.

Shawn: Ah, babies are babies. You just pull it out at the right time. The real question is, are you allergic to placenta?

[cut to another part of the zoo; Gus is running away from the warthog pen, hand over his face]

Gus: Oh God, my eyes!

Shawn: Captain Conners, how are you sir?

Conners: [He has memory problems] Look at you fellas, all grown up. How long's it been?

Shawn: About a day.

Gus: Less, actually.

Shawn: Simba, I am your father.

Gus: Mufasa never said that

Shawn: Mufasa, Vader, I'm Not Rappaport, it's all James Earl Jones.

Shawn: [in a fake Swedish accent] Maybe it's because all of California is on a diet. Yes? All the surfing boys and the model girls.

From the Earth to Starbucks [1.10]

Shawn: Hello Ladies and Gentleman, [dramatic music] I will be your narrator. My name is Aurora... Borealis! There are over four... hundred stars in our galaxy, maybe more. No one knows for sure. Many have said the universe is even larger than the Indian ocean, that is why it is called Infinitum Staroctopussium. [constellations come up] Ah yes, our glorious constellations, take a look. Over here we have... one with a guy... holding some sort of... thing. Over here, our beloved Olympic rings, all seven of them. And here, here's one with a fish.

Vernon: You gotta name them.

Shawn: Notice straight, straight above you, the Hammer of Jeff. And over there to the south—

Vernon: North.

Shawn: —North, you will see Monkey with Rash. The Egyptians used to set their clocks by it. [comet crosses the sky] Oh look, there goes an asteroid.

Vernon: Comet.

Shawn: Comet. It's what they named that cleaning solution after. I know it may stink if you leave it in the sink, but boy, oh boy, does it clean.

Lassiter: There is something I've got to get off my chest.

Shawn: Is it your shirt? Please say no.

Gus: You heard about Pluto? Messed up, right?

Lassiter: Can I tell you a secret?

Shawn: I wouldn't recommend it, no.

Shawn: The jackal has arrived.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He's Dead [1.11]

Lorraine: This is a speed dating first! [to Shawn and Juliet] You and you are a 100 percent match from your personality questionnaires. I smell love!

Juliet: I need a drink.

Shawn: I gotta pee.

Shawn: What is that?

Henry: What?

Shawn: Exfoliating scrub, with pumice!

Henry: Whatever, Shawn. All I know is when I varnish my boat and I don't want it to streak, I sand off a layer first. Same thing goes with tanning.

Shawn: That is the single most disturbing analogy I've ever heard in my entire life.

Juliet: I had no idea you were so serious about bowling.

Shawn: Quite serious, quite serious. Matter of fact, LEGO wants to sponsor me this year.

Juliet: Oh my God, that's great.

Shawn: They also want me to wear shoes made out of LEGOs, so I'm torn.

Lassiter: Do you think he gets his jollies by taking pictures of your ding dong?!

Shawn: Come on, Lassie. Show some chest hair. Chicks dig the sternum bush. Come on! Go Simon Cowell! You've got the salt and pepper! IT'S NICE!

Cloudy... Chance of Murder [1.12]

Shawn: Clouds don't kill people. People kill people.

Shawn: [to Lassiter] Please tell me you're not one of those courtroom groupies that bounces from trial to trial…wait a second, was that you at the Michael Jackson hearing with the sequined glove and the shirt that said "Please free the man in the mirror"?

Hornstock: My firm doesn't really believe in…

Shawn: Winning?

Hornstock: No.

Shawn: Mermaids?

Hornstock: No.

Shawn: The Minotaur?

Hornstock: Me.

Shawn: Did he just say "absolutely" with a little half-smile? Would you print that out please, I’m thinking of shellacking it on a nice piece of maple. Maybe a little decoupage!

Gus: Don't you watch the news?

Shawn: I can't watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It's like every newscast begins with a lie.

Game, Set... Muuurder [1.13]

Gus: Wait a second! This is my Airwolf windbreaker! I've been looking for this for like five years now! Why did you take this? I never even saw you wear it.

Shawn: Of course I didn't wear it. I took it so you wouldn't. Don't put it on. Gus, nobody had an Airwolf jacket except Jan-Michael Vincent!

Shawn: We find the mystery lover, we find her.

Gus: Dude. Why don’t I ever get to say things like that?

Gus: I need face time with my boss; I already missed the pamper pole trust exercise.

Shawn: I'm uncomfortable with you even saying the words "pamper pole."

Shawn: Right, I'd never seen a girl lie about entering the witness protection program.

Gus: She wasn't lying, Shawn.

Shawn: Gus, I saw her at Starbucks.

Gus: You can't be sure of that.

Shawn: She was wearing a name tag, she had a plaque on the wall. Employee of the Month. Her hobbies were hiding, and lying about hiding.

Lassiter: Scratch that, I'm gonna let you guys stick around and see what real detectives do.

Shawn: Sweet. Just let us know when they get here.

Poker? I Barely Know Her [1.14]

[About Shawn's private eye license]

Henry: What about your license?

Shawn: Oh, you mean my pilot's license? That's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're refering to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.

Shawn: Why you dirty, filthy rascal with the suede, suede head.

Brandon Peterson: I screwed up on my own, I'm going to face him on my own.

Shawn: That's very Cameron Frye of you.

Brandon: Cameron who?

Shawn: Wow, are we that much older than you?

Shawn: Pack it in, pull the plug, shut it down, leave the dead meat in the freezer, and put on your Sunday best ‘cause its Arbor Day, baby!

Scary Sherry: Bianca's Toast [1.15]

Shawn: I see a man... He's driving your car... You don't know him... He's a valet, at a mall! Wait, I see a shoe store, your father's gold card, a Jamba Juice may have been involved.

Bianca: Oh, my God, I totally went shopping today! And I passed a Jamba on State Street! You are amazing.

Bianca: Ok, here goes. This is so scary. I was lying in bed watching "One Tree Hill," my favorite show. Chad Michael Murray is so hot. And I had this cute liquid kitty alarm clock, it meows and blinks its eyes every half hour. So, all of a sudden, they just start blinking over and over and over, and then, it just stopped! And then, it let out this half meow: Mmmmraaa--! And then its tail fell off, and then... it exploded!

Shawn: Wow. Uhhh, slow build. Uhh, half meow? Unexpected. Didn't see the end coming at all. How 'bout you, Gus?

Gus: Uh, what? No, I can't say that I did.

Alice Bundy: And now, on behalf of the entire suit of the broken hearts, Alice will now lop off the queen's head!

Gus: Dude, we invented an urban legend!

American Duos [2.01]

Lassiter: You missed something. We found prints.

Shawn: Was he in a little red corvette?

Gus: Under a cherry moon?

Lassiter: FINGER-prints!

Nigel St. Nigel: I feel like I have been incarcerated in a blueberry. This car makes me want to weep and then die.

Lassiter: I'm gonna crack her like a bad back!

Nigel St. Nigel: [arriving at Henry's house] Good Lord! Who lives here, the Boringtons?

Shawn: There's a better than decent chance this goes poorly.

Nigel St. Nigel: Nose hair trimmer. Invest.

Henry: Can you even remember what it felt like to be able to move the muscles in your face?

Nigel St. Nigel: Who decorated this place? Kris Kristofferson?

Henry: I built that table.

Nigel St. Nigel: Really? I'm pretty sure if I were to build a table, I would start by using wood that had never drifted.

Henry: All right. You know... that's it.

Nigel St. Nigel: Already? I'm just getting started. I've got a sonnet for each piece of fish paraphernalia.

Henry: Oh yeah? Well I've got an ice-cold can of whup-ass just sitting in that fridge!

Shawn: Actually it's diet whup-ass.

Sixty-Five Million Years Off [2.02]

Shawn: You're mad.

Gus: I'm not mad; I'm happy, I'm thrilled. I love looking like an idiot.

Shawn: That explains your shoes.

Shawn: Don't panic. Those bites are consistent with a T-Rex bite.

Gus: You know that?

Shawn: I know that the hard way. [shows picture of himself in the mouth of a T-Rex skeleton] I was canned from the Wyoming National Museum for that shot. The bruises didn't go away for a year, but it was totally worth it. It was my best screensaver ever!

Shawn: I can play six degrees of dinosaur with you right now... You've never been in a movie with Kevin Bacon or a dilophosaurus, have you?

Gus: How about you play six degrees of kiss my ass?

Shawn: First of all, that sounds like a totally disturbing game.

[bursts into Shawn's father's house]

Chief: Sorry, but this can't wait. We just got a break in the case. We just found out the name of the dead man. You want to tell them who he is, Detective?

Lassiter: No.

Chief: His name was Christopher Fransen and he's a paleontologist.

Shawn: [looks to Gus for help]

Gus: A dinosaur hunter.

Shawn: [recovers] As expected.

Juliet: Detective Lassiter is literally on fire today.

Shawn: "Literally on fire" as in Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial, or as in misuse of the word "literally?"

Psy vs. Psy [2.03]

Lindsay Leiken: That's ridiculous.

Shawn: Is it? It's not like I'm wearing a giant moose costume.

Shawn: I've heard of this. It's spontaneous psychic krav maga!

Chief Vick: Chill out, Lassiter. We're lucky if our psychic doesn't lick the body.

Agent Ewing: If I had learned how to laugh as a child I would right now.

Shawn: Are you a fan of delicious flavor?

Zero to Murder in 60 Seconds [2.04]

Buzz McNab: [obviously trying to avoid mentioning the fact that Gus is black] Just so you know, Mauler barks at all cars, not just... blue ones.

Gus: What are we looking for anyway?

Shawn: Anything that points to criminal activity. You know... a white cloth sack with a green dollar sign. A red barrel labeled "TNT." An anvil. Anything.

Gus: [picking up a rim] Check this out!

Shawn: What, you have something? The point of those examples was to imply it wouldn't be so obvious.

Henry: [watching Shawn jump up and down because he just figured out the case] Shawn, don't you dare learn a wrong lesson while I'm trying to teach you a right lesson!

Gus: I wrote the location down.

Shawn: This says "In the middle of a field". Why did you have to write that down?

Gus: The address is on the back.

And Down the Stretch Comes Murder [2.05]

Shawn: [about Juliet] She is an enigma wrapped in a little blonde riddle.

Note that Little Shawn wrote to Principal Trott:

Jimmy Nickels Did it! Your hair looks great.

Juliet: Shawn, how do you know this?

Shawn: The same way that I know that as a child Lassie wanted nothing more than a pony.

[They all look at Lassiter]

Lassiter: Oh, come on. Who didn't?

Gus: Anyone who wasn't an 8 year-old-girl.

Shawn: Lassie, your childhood must have been pure hell. But the good news, I'm available for hugs.

Shawn: Gus shoots and scores... with an assist from Wikipedia.

Meat is Murder, but Murder is Also Murder [2.06]

Gus: Now everybody on my mom's side of the family thinks that I'm a psychic detective, and they think you're...

Shawn: Gay?

Gus: No.

Shawn: German?

Gus: No.

Shawn: Invisible?

Gus: My assistant.

Shawn: Wow.

Henry: Oh, Shawn, what have I told you a thousand times before?

Young Shawn: Don't hide Gus in the pantry?

If You're So Smart, then Why Are You Dead? [2.07]

Young Shawn: Okay, I'm going to take your pointy sad-faced guy for my horsey guy.

Henry: [pointing to the knight] Stop! What is this piece called?

Young Shawn: I call him Dwight.

Henry: [pointing to the bishop] What is this one called?

Young Shawn: B.A. Baracus.

Shawn: It's a chance to go undercover in high school, a la 21 Jump Street? Obviously, I'm Johnny Depp; sadly, you can only pass for Holly Robinson.

Lassiter: [after Shawns wipes makeup off of suspect's forehead] He's wearing makeup!

Student: Is he gay?

Shawn: No! ...Um, maybe. [pause] Look, I... I don't know.

[speaking to his father about a successful attempt to look younger with makeup]

Shawn: I don't know, Dad: slap a wig on you, you're a spitting image of yourself when I was a kid.

Rob-A-Bye Baby [2.08]

Shawn: Do you realize what this means? She said "Big" and "Top Secret!" That's two of our favorite 80s movies!

Shawn: I'd say that's pretty ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as Denise Richards playing a nuclear physicist named Christmas Jones in a Bond movie, but still.

Shawn: Sweet black licorice!

Henry: Well that's a stupid house to rob.

Shawn: Does anyone live up to your expectations? Maybe we should get the robber's phone number so you can call and tell him how disappointed you are.

Bounty Hunters! [2.09]

Lassiter: Just so we're clear, [he holds his hand high] here are real detectives. [he holds up his other hand, much further down] Bounty hunters are here. [he moves the first hand directly on top of the second] And psychics are here.

Shawn: Dude, we beat out bounty hunters!

Lassiter: By a knuckle.

Shawn: Where are orthodontists on this list?

Shawn: [on the phone with Juliet] Admit it, you're a little turned on by the whole bounty hunter thing, aren't you? Come on, Shawn Spencer, Bounty Hunter. I mean, I know the psychic thing is sexy, I mean, that's a given; it's a sexy thing, but... Shawn Spencer, Bounty Hunter. It's hot. It's hot!

Gus' Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy [2.10]

Lassiter: I hate snow globes.

Shawn: Huh. That's strange, because my psychic sense told me specifically that snow globes didn't give you nightmares of being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burned your skin off.

There's Something About Mira [2.11]

Shawn: [annoyed] Gus! I was supposed to be that goat!

Shawn: Just call me the suck-stopper. No, wait. Don't ever call me that.

Mrs. Gafne: I like my wine the same way I like my men. White, and hairy.

Shawn: That doesn't make any sense. None whatsoever. But I can see where Mira gets her spunkiness!

Mira: [to Gus] You are so sweet.

Shawn: Yes, his head is like a chocolate covered honeydew.

Gus: Are you trying to tell me you went skydiving with a rabbi?

The Old and the Restless [2.12]

Gus: You can't get Indian blood from working in a casino, Shawn.

Shawn: Maybe you can't.

Security Guard: How the hell did you two get in here? You're coming with me.

Gus: I don't think so!

Shawn: [flashing badge] BAM! Say it with me: Vis-i-tors baaaadge!

Gus: Do something. I dare you!

Security Guard: I'll be watching you.

Shawn: We'll be gettin' watched!

Shawn: Dude! That rock is sprayed with arterial red!

Gus: Taste it.

Shawn: Dude, what is up with that? Every time I cut myself you were like "taste it, lick it, it'll make it feel better."

Gus: It will. Taste it.

Shawn: IT'S NOT MY BLOOD!

Shawn: You don't know what we're up against. I've tried everything. The "I'm a traveling doula" bit, the "dingo ate my baby" routine, the "hiding Gus in a sack" trick - which never fails!

Old Lady: Spin me! [nobody moves] MAAAVELOUS.

Lights, Camera, Homicidio [2.13]

Gus: He was a Hollywood guy. Used to write on Blossom. Decided Spanish soap operas were a better reflection of the human condition.

Shawn: Obviously, he didn't write the Blossom where she adopted a chimp and hit the road in an eighteen-wheeler.

Gamalobos: She beat me up.

Gus: I hardly think there's a woman capable of that!

Shawn: Bea Arthur?

Gus: I stand corrected.

Quintessa Gabriel: When you're done upstairs, can you go in the garage and get my nail gun?

Shawn: ...QUE?

Gus: [about Shawn's acting in the telenovela] Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but... I think it lacks some passion.

Shawn: Passion...?

Gus: Yes.

Shawn: Do you have any idea how many pages we shot today? Eighty-three! And I'm getting by with the Spanish I learned from Charo on Love Boat.

[after his father Henry berates him for his evil deeds on the telenovela]

Shawn: I'm Shawn. Those are things that my character, Chad, did. I play him on TV. It's Shawn. Shawnie. Look into your boy's eyes: it's me, Papa. [puts his hand on Henry's shoulder]

Henry Spencer: [pushes Shawn's hand away] Don't be an idiot. I'm not one of your fans. I barely even like you.

Dis-Lodged [2.14]

Young Gus: I don't have to put up with your misplaced prepositions!

Shawn: My dad is a lying liar from Liarsburg!

Shawn: Look, this is the lodge radar. And look! This is me, flying under it. And look! This is Gus. He cannot fly.

Gus: Brazilian airport codes. How do you know that?

Shawn: I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.

Gus: That was Tom Hanks in The Terminal!

Shawn: Same difference.

Shawn: My God! Did you see who that was?

Gus: It's hard to see anything with someone's knee in your eye!

Shawn: It's your own knee!

Black & Tan: A Crime of Fashion [2.15]

Shawn: What, my bro and I aren't capable of glaring into the camera, or Blue-Steeling it up occasionally?

Shawn: Okay, so what do we know about Emily Bloom?

Gus: Well, I know she wrote Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret and Freckle Juice.

Shawn: I think that's Judy Blume.

Gus: Oh. Then I got nothin'.

Lassiter: I'd rather shower with a bear.

Gus: Do not get up there and start winging it! That's not how we operate.

Shawn: Dude, where have you been for the last two years?

Shawn: You said it was important. [surveying Henry's tight black turtleneck] Clearly, you're about to shoot an Old Spice commercial.

Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead [2.16]

Shawn: Queen Nerfertitty.

Juliet: Nefertiti.

Shawn: I've heard it both ways.

Gus: You can talk all you want, but facts and logic will win out this time.

Shawn: Facts and logic are in the corner of the guy who thinks he's going to get his face melted off?

Henry: I've been leaving messages on your phone.

Shawn: Yeah, I sort of dropped my phone.

Henry: Well, what'd I tell you about taking care of your stuff?

Shawn: You know what, you're right. First my tricycle out in the yard, now this - I see a pattern developing here.

Shawn: Dude, he took that van!

Film Girl: The mummy?

Gus: Great, now we got a mummy on the loose and the son of a bitch knows how to drive stick?

Shawn: I don't think anyone's here.

Gus: How sure are you?

Shawn: Fairly to pretty damn.

Ghosts [3.1]

Shawn: [after Haversham's dog jumps on the window] That dog is kind of an A-hole.

Gus: I think he sees something.

Shawn: Yeah, urine stains on my pants!

Shawn: Is that hot chocolate?

Haversham: It's Dutch cocoa. Hadewych makes a pot for me each night before she leaves.

Shawn: I see. Mr. Haversham, in order to fully understand the connection that you have with this ghost, I will need to see what you see. Wear what you wear. Drink what you drink.

Haversham: You're saying you'd like some hot chocolate?

Shawn: Yes. With marshmallows, please.

Shawn: Oh my God. This isn't a joke. You're really quitting Psych?

Gus: I am so sorry, Shawn.

Shawn: In a text message, no less?!

Gus: Shawn? What the heck are you doing here?

Shawn: I should ask you the same question.

Gus: I work here!

Shawn: I should ask you a different question.

[1995: At the Santa Barbara Police Station, Henry is seen forcefully escorting Shawn inside. Shawn is handcuffed.]

Shawn: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for that "World's Greatest Dad" mug back.

Murder?...Anyone?...Anyone?...Bueller? [3.2]

Lassiter: [about his date] We met at the Santa Barbara Bowl at the Ravi Shankar concert last week, and she asked me out on a date.

Gus: Who goes to someone else's reunion when they barely even know them?

Shawn: Who goes to a Ravi Shankar concert?

Juliet: If Chief Vick knew I was running names for you guys, I'd lose my ass.

Shawn: We definitely don't want that to happen.

Shawn: Good talk, Dad. I gotta run. Actually, there is one more thing. Do you think I could borrow your underpants?

Shawn: Mindy, it's official, you've won bitchiest banana.

Shawn: If I were just some average guy with no super powers I'd say [muttering dumbly] "I dunno; why are you asking me?" But as the head psychic for the Santa Barbara Police Department I'd say I don't know. Why are you asking me?

Daredevils! [3.3]

[Carlton is talking to a woman in his car during a stakeout]

Juliet: What are you doing?

Lassiter: Oh, I'm just talking to your friend Blair here. She...she's great. We have so much in common.

Juliet: She's not my friend.

Lassiter: What do you mean? You didn't sent here down here to meet me?

Juliet: No. I don't invite friends to dangerous stakeouts. But I know her. She's a professional.

Lassiter: [to Blair] Please tell me you're a hit-man.

Gus: Excuse me, what happened to the last bunch?

Dutch: Well, we can't talk about it for legal reasons. All I know is our attorney said that, "It ain't decapitation if the head don't come off all the way."

Shawn: Life insurance policy?

Gus: It doesn't make any sense.

Shawn: Tell me about it. ...Dude, seriously, tell me about it. I have no idea what this means.

Gus: You never could understand legalese.

Shawn: Oh really? Remind me who it was who set up our Psych 401(k)s?

Gus: Oh, you mean our 601(k)s? Because India doesn't have 401(k)s.

Shawn: It's a growth economy, Gus. We've already made, like, 500 rupee.

Gus: That's thirteen dollars.

Shawn: They call this a motorcycle show? There's like four motorcycles here. They don't even have the bike from Blue Thunder.

Gus: That was a helicopter.

Shawn: ...[Dutch] jumped Springfield Gorge.

Gus: That was Homer Simpson.

The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable [3.4]

[in the interrogation room]

Henry: We didn't do anything wrong; we didn't break any laws. Oh no! Oh no! What- What did you do Shawn?

Shawn: Nothing. It's just that laws keep changing. It's getting very challenging to keep up with them all.

[In the interrogation room]

Shawn: Don't I get a phone call or something?

Lassiter: No.

Shawn: Fine. How about a text message? I'll be quick, I just need to respond "OMG LOL." Here's a question: how do you make a face that's winking with the tongue coming out one side?

Vick: Let me be frank.

Shawn: As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.

Gus: Why do I always have to be Sammy?

Shawn: Fine, he's Sammy. That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want? You want to be Joey Bishop?

Juliet: SHAWN!

Shawn: Jules, how often does someone set you up with "Let me be Frank"?

Juliet: Shawn, don't forget that you are in a lot of trouble here and I am probably the only person in this room who cares to see you get out of it. Now it's 2:30 in the morning; we've been here for hours. Enough with the jokes; stop delaying and tell us what we want to hear!

Shawn: [turns to Gus stunned] Oh my God that was so hot.

Vick: Now, Mr. Spencer.

Henry/Shawn: [together] Yes?

Vick: Oh, I meant the older... Sorry, not old... less...

Shawn: Handsome? Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?

Henry: Less nose...

Shawn: [sitting in an interrogation room] Ay-yi-yi. The spirits are guiding my man paws. It's like, it's like that movie Idle Hands except with no nudity. Which means I must be completely unwatchable right now.

Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered! [3.5]

Shawn: I got roped into doing a silly interview with The Independent. They've been calling me, begging, for weeks, and I finally relented.

Reporter: You called me.

Shawn: And you called me back, which means we're both right.

Shawn: The important thing is that you got your cover story.

Reporter: Actually, it's page 64.

Shawn: It really depends on how you fold it, doesn't it?

Chief: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?

Shawn: Yes you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say "goes without saying," yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?

Chief: No! And frankly, I could care less.

Gus: Now that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say "I could care less" when they really mean "I couldn't care less"?

Chief: Well, why don't you tell me how to properly say this? If you share any official information about this case with your father, or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for, and I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.

Gus: You split an infinitive.

Shawn: Good catch, Gus!

Chief: You two realize I carry a gun, right?

Gus: That was perfectly elocuted.

Derek Ford: You're sure your father doesn't want to come inside?

Shawn: Oh, no, no, no. He's clinically insane. And a biter.

Henry: I'm a tax-paying, voting citizen, therefore I have a right to speak to any elected official, such as the DA, I please.

Shawn: You don't have to be a... tax-paying voting citizen, do you?

There Might Be Blood [3.6]

Shawn: Hey, Dad. We're prospecting for oil. How was your day?

Gus: I can't get over it. After all this time the chief never said she had a sister.

Shawn: Strange.

Lassiter: And such an alluring sister at that.

Shawn: Creepy.

Shawn: Don't you see what's happening here, Gus? We are simply pawns in a bitter sibling feud.

Gus: I am nobody's pawn, Shawn. I'm a Queen.

Shawn: Gus, don't be a myopic chihuahua. I have a foolproof plan that solves the case and gives the Chief all the credit.

Gus: What is it?

Shawn: Actually, all I have is the phrase "I have a foolproof plan." Beyond that, I'm wide open.

Shawn: I have an idea, but we'll need cool names.

Talk Derby to Me [3.7]

Shawn: My name is Shawn Spencer; this is my partner... I can't believe I'm blanking, I've done this a million times.

Chief Vick: Oh, and this is a typo, right? $800 for skates?

Juliet: Would it help if I told you the other pairs weren't cute at all?

[Shawn and Gus find a wrapped up body that turns out to be Westwood]

Shawn: Oh thank God!

Gus: Thank God? It's a dead person!

Shawn: Yeah, but it's not Juliet.

Gus: It's still a human being, Shawn; it's Westwood. What's the matter with you?

Shawn: You're saying you'd rather it be someone we knew and care about? Fine, next time I see Jules I'll just tell her you wish she was dead.

Gus Walks into a Bank [3.8]

Shawn: And... cut! Great, dripping with swagger! Let's go again though, and maybe ease up on the cocksure smile just a bit.

Gus: We're in a hostage situation, Shawn. You don't get that?

Shawn: I do get it. What I don't get is the bulletproof vest over the shirt. What is that?

Shawn: You know I'm not really a regular person, right Phil?

Phil: What does that mean?

Shawn: 'Cause I tried once and failed. I'm just too unique and interesting.

Christmas Joy [3.9]

Henry: Well, fooling around with your best friend's sister certainly wasn't your most brilliant idea.

Shawn: No, that was the toaster alarm I invented in the third grade that woke you up by smacking you in the face with a waffle. ...I think I peaked too soon.

Six Feet Under the Sea [3.10]

Shawn: Gus, don't be exactly one half of an eleven-pound Black Forest ham!

Shawn: Hi, I'm Shawn Spencer. This is my friend, Hummingbird Saltalamacchia.

Shawn: [spelling] T-H-E-S-E-A-L-I-O-N.

Lassiter: Thesealion? Is that French?

Shawn: You wanna be hawk-eye or crow's nest?

Lassie Did A Bad, Bad Thing [3.11]

[Henry wraps a tie around Shawn's eyes]

Young Shawn: Did you get me a pinata?

Henry: Nope.

Young Shawn: Pepsi challenge?

Henry: Nope.

Young Shawn: Am I being executed?

Gus: I'm still not convinced, Shawn. How can you be absolutely certain that Lassiter didn't shoot Chavez?

Shawn: It's relatively easy, Gus. I decided to be and therefore I am. Socrates said that.

Gus: No, that was Descartes.

Shawn: That was the cologne we wore in high school.

Gus: That was Drakkar Noir.

Shawn: No, that's a wine.

Gus: That's pinot noir.

Shawn: I can't believe you actually thought that text was from me. It lacked all nuance, my signature mocking tone, and was utterly devoid of emoticons.

Gus: Did you know that before he stabbed a guy he was a life coach?

Shawn: Who would hire him as a life coach?

Gus: The guy he stabbed!

Lassiter: Now I need to know your process.

Shawn: Do you really want to know my process?

Lassiter: Absolutely.

Shawn: Well it starts with a "Holla!" and ends with a creamsicle.

Gus: And if there's time in between, ThunderCats, ho-oh!

Earth, Wind and... Wait For It... [3.12]

Lassiter: A dead body changes things.

Shawn: That's his email signature.

Lassiter: I want our killer—

Shawn: Arsassin! Or karsonist?

Gus: Arsassin.

Lassiter: This could be our killer.

Shawn: Furderer.

Lassiter: What?

Shawn: Fire murderer... furderer.

Shawn: We have found our arsonurderer.

Gus: What?

Shawn: Firearsman.

Gus: Uh-uh.

Shawn: Señor pantalones del fuego?

Gus: I plead the Fifth.

Shawn: Mmm, element, dimension, Beatle?

Gus: You can't plead Billy Preston.

Any Given Friday Night at 10PM, 9PM Central [3.13]

Shawn: How do I look, Jules?

Juliet: Like my 11-year-old nephew in his Peyton Manning pajamas.

Shawn: Your 11-year-old nephew is ruggedly sexy? That's weird.

Shawn: How do I look?

Gus: Like an idiot.

Shawn: Sweet.

Truer Lies [3.14]

Ryan: The night before I went to this restaurant to get a basket of these things called "fries quattros quesos dos fritos"; you know, the ones where they inject potatoes with a four-cheese mixture, fry them three quarters of the way, pull them out, batter them, fry them again, and then serve them with bacon and an ancho chili sour cream? Anyway, as I was sitting there, a car speeds right through the storefront across the street. It makes such a loud noise I had to turn my head and look and that is when I overheard the guys with the curlicues on his face tell the other guy in the corner table about the assassination plot.

Shawn: Can that be true?

Gus: No way.

Shawn: I mean, is that even possible?

Gus: I couldn't imagine it!

Shawn: There's no way they could prepare a fry like that; that'd be way too much for the... for the human palate to manage!

Gus: It would be a flavor seizure.

Chief Vick: Gentlemen, please, don't be ridiculous.

Shawn: The Chief's right; let's just, just take a minute here to think this through. [pauses] They must be parboiling the potato first.

Shawn: How can you tell that someone's a compulsive liar? I mean, assuming their pants aren't on fire.

Tuesday the 17th [3.15]

Clive: Hi, I'm Clive. I'm hilarious and and I have no girlfriend.

Juliet: Hi, I'm Juliet and I'm a cop.

Clive: Nice rejection. Very clean.

Shawn: You two are officially my least favorite tag team of all time!

Clive: Really? With Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff on the table?

Shawn: Wow! You just made that reference!

[Shawn's piñata has been nailed to the door with a noose around it]

Shawn: Take that down. Children walk by here every day, carrying their hopes and dreams.

An Evening with Mr. Yang [3.16]

Shawn: What's your point, man?

Gus: My point is you're going to be eighty years old and still shamelessly hitting on waitresses. Is that what you want?

Shawn: Is that a trick question?

Gus: Who wants pancakes? I want pancakes! Whipped butter, maple syrup—what?!

Gus: Hey everybody! Look how big I am compared to this airplane!

Extradition: British Columbia [4.1]

Lassiter: Are you in my apartment?

Shawn: Please. I haven't snuck into your apartment for weeks. Which reminds me, we're all out of peanut butter.

Shawn: Here's the thing, Robert: I am a psychic.

Gus: We work for the Santa Barbara Police Department. We've solved over forty-seven cases. I'm also a pharmaceutical rep, if that means anything to you.

Shawn: You've seen The Mentalist, right?

Robert: Yes.

Shawn: It's like that.

Gus: Except that guy's a fake.

Shawn: Right. If I were a fake psychic, it would be eerily similar.

Gus: Exactly the same.

Shawn: A virtual carbon copy.

Shawn: [writing list on napkin] Okay, here's what I'm going to do. First, I'm going to get me some of that maple candy that everyone seems to be raving about. Then, I'm going to purchase myself a walking stick. Preferably something with a ram's head carved into the handle. And finally, we're going to catch ourselves an international art thief. I'm not saying I'm sure it's going to be you, but right now, you're the top of the list.

Shawn: I'm so sorry about this; my assistant makes all my reserveations but she's been under heavy medication. She was recently diagnosed with parvo.

Hotel Clerk: Isn't that a dog's disease?

Shawn: Yes, yes it is. My assistant is a Golden Retriever, adorable but dim. Her whole keyboard is just three big buttons. She has very large paws. I should have fired her years ago but she's a rescue and I didn't have the heart.

Shawn: I want to see your book.

Robert: My book?

Shawn: Yeah, the one with things that Despereaux might steal.

Robert: But nobody ever wants to see my book.

Shawn: I do; I want to see the book. I'm also going to eat these waffles.

He Dead [4.2]

Shawn: [talking about the ATVs] Note to self: Get one of those for the office.

Gus: I hope you have a plan to help us find this crashed plane. And hope that plan doesn't end up with us being eaten by a bear.

Shawn: Don't worry, Gus. We have a secret weapon.

Gus: A larger bear eating bear?

Shawn: BOO!

Gus: A map! That's your secret weapon?

Shawn: No, no, Mr. Clayton! Open your eyes!

Gus: Watch out, Shawn! I know what to do. Mr. Clayton! Mr. Clayton! What interesting sectors do you see outperforming the market this year?

Shawn: Mrs. Clayton, I'm receiving a psychic transmission from your husband. Really more of a voice mail. Status update. Perhaps a twitter.

Gus: I believe it's called a tweet.

Shawn: I'm not saying that.

High Noon(ish) [4.3]

Shawn: Have you ever seen this ghost?

Hank: Nope, but I've felt them.

Shawn: Was that in an appropriate way?

Hank: Hell, I wasn't even gonna call you out here but Binky insisted.

Gus: Binky?

Hank: Oh. You don't call him Binky?

Shawn: We do now!

Lassiter: Sheriff Hank, why don't you tell the boys here what the problem been here.

Hank: Well, it started out as simple vandalism. Somebody's been stealing our wood from sidewalks, buildings, fence posts.

Shawn: Wood thieves. My first instinct is beavers, but I'm not willing to rule out those pesky Keebler elves.

Henry: [about Hank's wound] Guys, this is deep. This man's got to see a doctor. I don't even have anything to numb the pain.

Hank: Well that's okay. I don't believe in anesthetics. Gus, just bite down on my big toe to make me forget about the pain in my leg.

Gus: I'm not biting down on your toe!

Lassiter: Damn it, Gus. When a man asks you to bite his toe, you bite his toe!

Lassiter: What the hell is going on here?

Shawn: This is called 19-card stud.

Gus: Regular poker is too complicated. It makes it easier to get pairs.

Shawn: Plus anything with a picture is wild.

Lassiter: Why aren't you two out interviewing suspects, or feeling the walls, or whatever the hell it is you do? At least do something!

Shawn: Many, I tried. I did. These people are kind of mean. It's a tough racket being sheriff, Lassie. Besides, I gotta go gun down that Stinky Feet fellow in about 20 minutes.

Gus: Stinky Pete.

Shawn: You wouldn't understand; you've never killed a man.

Lassiter: Yes, I have.

Shawn: Yeah, but you've never pretended to kill one. Repeatedly. I struggle with it every time.

Gus: Two times now.

Shawn: Yep, both times.

Lassiter: Well, while you two were sitting here playing Cowboys and Indians...

Shawn: Uh, uh, just Cowboys, Lassie.

Gus: Injuns is offensive.

Lassiter: I didn't say Injuns, Guster.

Gus: That's what I heard.

Shawn: Me too.

The Devils in the Details (And the Upstairs Bedroom) [4.4]

Shawn: Burton Guster, you randy little spaniel!

Lassiter: Kiss my sweet... [nun walks by] ...love biscuits.

Gus: I don't think you made that any less offensive.

Shawn: I look up to Brett Favre, but that doesn't mean I believe everything he says. [pauses] All right, that's a bad example. It's those tearful press conferences, man. They get me every time.

Gus: Do you think it could be PTSD?

Shawn: I think it's slightly more serious than a mere menstrual issue.

Shawn: [in confession] I've been stealing food that Gus hides in his desk and eating it and then blaming it on the cleaning lady Oniniña.

Shawn has the Yips [4.5]

Shawn: I don't lose things. I place things in locations which later elude me.

Bollywood Homicide [4.6]

Shawn: I solve a case every week. And usually one around Christmas.

Shawn: I'm sorry, but was this chicken seasoned with molten lava?

Shawn: I can't see out of my left eye.

Gus: I see dead people.

Shawn: Even the water's spicy!

Gus: Who does that?!

Let's Get Hairy [4.8]

Shawn: Jules.

Juliet: Sorry, Shawn, no time for your tomfoolery and sillyness.

Shawn: Actually we were just...

Juliet: That also goes for nonsense, malarkey, and shenanigans.

Shawn: Gus, don't be the third Thompson twin with the dreds.

Juliet: We're just trying to figure out what we're dealing with here. Two men are dead and tonight's another full moon. [look of disbelief] I can't believe I just said that.

Gus: Yeah, and Skip here has romantic dreams about firemen that look like Dolph Lundgren.

Shawn: [laughing] What?! I... you cheeky screwball. What I tell you? He's wacko.

Gus: No. You said it was late and you were in the fire house and you slid down this large pole...

Shawn: Why? Why?

Shawn Takes a Shot in the Dark [4.9]

Henry: How do you escape when you're locked in the trunk of a car?

Young Shawn: When? Don't you mean "if" as in like maybe never?

Henry: Not today, kid; your survival training starts right now. [throws Shawn into trunk of his car as their neighbor walks by and looks scandalized] It's okay, Mrs. Nusbaum, everything's fine; got the keys right here, just teaching Shawn a little survival technique, thank you. All right, Shawn. Here's what you want to do. You want to feel for the break light. You feel it, it's right over here. You would kick it out. [Shawn kicks out the taillight] I didn't say to actually do it, I said you would do it.

Lassiter: [to Shawn] Nice shooting, Detective.

Shawn: Did you just call me detective?

Lassiter: No.

Lassiter: Have at it. Who knows, maybe you'll solve the great ice cream crime caper of the century?

Shawn: Crime of the century, huh? Still have 91 years to solve that one. Gus and I are gonna pace ourselves. We accept.

Bad Guy: But know this: one stupid move, and I've got more than enough plastic bags for your body parts.

Shawn: Note to self: call Hefty with commercial idea.

Shawn: Look man, I have been shot! I am jumping on somebody's car!

Cast

James Roday - Shawn Spencer
Dulé Hill - Burton "Gus" Guster
Timothy Omundson - Carlton Lassiter
Kirsten Nelson - Karen Vick
Corbin Bernsen - Henry Spencer
Liam James - Young Shawn
Carlos McCullers II - Young Gus
Maggie Lawson - Juliet O'Hara
Sage Brocklebank - Buzz McNab

Quoternity