Robin Williams

A Night At The Met (1986)

• Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

• Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and cats going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!

• The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

• Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!
  • On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience

• Thank you. How-DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!

Inside the Actors Studio (2001)

• The professor was on acid, and sometimes he'd shout, "I'm Lincoln!" And then, there'd be a kid in the back, "I'm Booth!"

Live on Broadway (2002)

• Michael is claiming racism, and I'm like, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first!" What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?

• And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

• The Swiss...the nice Germans, or as they like to say, the other white race. Now how can you trust an army—how butch is an army that has a wine opener on its knife? "Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire!"

• Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out.

• And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He takes his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

Reality: What a Concept

• I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.

• [spoofing Mr. Rogers] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... Oh damn, someone stole my sneakers. Let's do some wonderful things today, boys and girls; but first, do you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house. Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay?... He knows where he's going. BEEP! Pop goes the weasel! That's severe radiation. Can you say "severe radiation"? Oh, look, you got a little balloon now.

• [as a Shakespearean narrator] Mind not my words — Let the play be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself anon.

• I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."