Sam & Max

"The Tell Tale Tail" (1998)

• Max: STOP, THIEF!
  Sam: You know that never works, Max.
  Max: Yes, but it's such a wonderful prelude to the impending mayhem.

• Max: I think those poor folks are forever scarred, Sam.
  Sam: Then our work is done here, Max.

• John Keats: You're so scary, Mary Shelley, I've got shivers in my belly. (looks around) It's just a first draft.

• Mary Shelley: Don't be ridiculous, it's right there on your little bum-bum.
  Max: Don't toy with me, sister!
  Sam: Huh, she said bum.
  Keats: But it's right there! That miserable tuft of hair!
  Max: It came back! Come here! (Starts chasing it, babbling incoherently.)

"The Trouble With Gary" (1998)

• Max: Tell me what the Commissioner said again Sam, go on tell me, tell me what he said.
  Sam: He said in so many four letter words it promises to be our most bizarre, unsettling and gut wrenching assignment to date.

• Sam: We're heading for the Rhombus Enclave, Max. A super-secret military enclave who's existence the Government completely denies. Most likely 'cause they feel stupid saying "Rhombus".
  Max: How about "enclave"?
  Sam: Hey, good point.

• Max: Look Sam, scientists running in packs. I had no idea nerds were herding animals.

• Female Scientist: You must never speak of it outside these walls. Can we have your word?
  Max: Sure. Except my word is unctuous so you won't get to use it very often.

• Female Scientist: We believe that if harnessed this force of nature could become a valuable weapon in our government's immense military arsenal.
  Max: Immense arsenal, that's funny.
  Sam: What? Does my arsenal look big in these pants?

• Male Scientist: Gary has the power to physically alter his surroundings with his mind.
  Max: Hey Gary, turn me into a painted turtle, I want to be a painted turtle.

• Max (talking about a bear): Ah, poor little paranormal critter. If it didn't slash us to bits I was going to name it Tippy.

• Max (getting his head squeezed): Sam! The pressure! It's... it's...
  Sam (The same): It's messing up... my hat size!

• Gary: You've made me very angry. This is what I think you are!
  Turns Sam into a stuffed cow.
  Max: Ah! How could you! I asked if I could be a painted turtle and I was completely ignored!!
  Gary zaps him, turning Max into a painted turtle.
  Max (in a squeaky voice): Thank you!

"The Invaders" (1998)

• Sam: Looks like we'll have to amend the report to include a close encounter with some ornery stumpies. That's tech talk for height deficient ET's.
  Max: All that physical exertion has caused me to work up a froth. I'm gonna go catch a vertical squirt bath... That's tech talk for shower.

• Sam: Looks like we have a secret admirer.
  Max: Maybe its a willowy goddess with a stalker-like infatuation for freelance lawmen.

• Max: Foolish aliens! Your puny weapons are no match for our superior attitude!

• Sam (looking at the invaders): They're like a pair of shiny industrious doorknobs.

• Max: Next time, longer fuse.

• Max: The pain is almost euphoric, Sam.

• Sam (about to shut a window on one of the invaders): I think I'll close this window for no discernible reason whatsoever.

• Max: (to O Sole Mio) Oh foolish spaceguys, we kicked your butts! To mess with Earthmen, you must be nuuuuuuts!

• Max: The simulated 3D carnage makes me tingle like a prom queen.

• Sam: I just hope the kids at home weren't emotionally scarred from witnessing what appeared to be our horrifyingly graphic demise.
  Max: Me too. We'll need their keisters parked at the tube in time for our next episode.
  Sam: Aww, you old softy.

"Sam & Max Vs. The Uglions" (1998)

• Geek: Quick we gotta locate Colonel Corn the base commander. Split up.
  Max: Colonel Corn.
  Sam: I'm sure he'll be all ears.

• Max: Defeated after all man's devices and defences had failed. By the humblest things that God in his wisdom has put upon this earth.
  Geek: Sam and Max, Freelance Police, right?
  Max: No. Zits. Pay attention.

"Little Bigfoot" (1998)

• Sam and Max scream.
  Sam: If I didn't see it with my own eyes I never would have believed it. Who'd have guessed one whimpy bolt was holding up five tonnes of colourful roadside Americana.
  Max: I was right. You owe me one dino-boogey-snowglobe full of primordial dandruff.
  Sam: A deal's a deal. Smile for the birdie.

• Sam pinches Max's straw.
  Max: Thanks Sam, I couldn't help myself. There was more. There's always a tiny speck more!

• Max sniffs Little Bigfoot.
  Max: He doesn't smell so bad. Sort of like a wet puppy.
  Sam: Sorry, that's me. These hip-waders haven't drained from our last trip.

• Sam: I'm a little insulted he didn't pick us out of this gaggle.
  Max: I'm a little disappointed we don't actually get to eat this way.

• Sam and Little Bigfoot start screaming.
  Max: There's a truck coming.
  Their car careens off a cliff.
  Max: Lot of cliffs around here.

• Max: Pull over, you large boned citizen. Cooperate and you'll be slapped around without incident.

• Max: Now I get it. It's a band of super intelligent circus apes quietly undermining our Utopian society. Freeze circus apes!
  Sam: Ah, they're bigfoots, Max.
  Max: My gosh, you're right. It's obvious from their glaring lack of unicycles.

• Sam: They're rejecting him. Maybe he smells too human. Max, come here a minute, and bring your armpit.

"Aaiiieee Robot" (1998)

• Max: Extreme freelance police... sounds like a committee generated notion for next season!
  Sam: Quiet, Max, they'll hear ya!

• Sam: I may be shooting off my dog-lips here, Max, but I've got a nagging notion that Totzilla's economy-sized hissy-fit is the result of parental neglect and a premature transition to solid foods!

• Sam: Shedding a sentimental tear for a deed well done?
  Max: (sobbing) That and the fact that we just blew off our ride back home...

From Sam & Max: Culture Shock (2006)

• Sam: I bought that VCR at the supermarket!
  Max: So you know it's a good one.
  Sam: Still smells like asparagus, though.

• Sam: We should have Jesse James' hand appraised one of these days.
  Max: I bet it's especially valuable because it's autographed!
  

• Sam: (After watching a commercial on a self-help book) Self-help for the helplessly selfish.
  Max: Great! I'll take two!

• Sam: (Commenting on the stuffed fox in Sybil's office) Ah, taxidermy. The dead are truly the kitsch of the living.
  Max: And vice versa!
  Sam: You're an unfathomable well of something, Max.

• Sam: Someone once told me that the contents of a lava lamp make an excellent hand cream.
  Max: That was me.
  Sam: Which is why I haven't tried it.

• Sam: (after shooting the cheese) Take that, you law breaking dairy products.
  Max: Sam, no! The cheese was innocent!
  Sam: Innocent? I think not.

• Jimmy Two-Teeth: Greeting. The members of the benevolent brotherhood of vermin would like to thank you for your offering.
  Sam: The members of Sam and Max would like their phone back now.
  Max: If you don't mind.
  Jimmy Two-Teeth: I regret to inform you that the situation has changed, and I am unable to comply with your request. A list of demands for the return of the phone is as follows. (grabbed and thrown onto the desk by Max)
  Sam: Now, let's discuss this calmly.
  Max: Let's de-bone the smarmy little skeez and see if the phone's in there.
  Jimmy Two-Teeth: I ain't talkin', coppers. Jimmy Two-Teeth ain't no rat. Er... Well, I ain't talkin'.

• Max: I'm about ready to wring your scrawny, trash eating little neck.
  Jimmy Two Teeth: You think you're scary?
  Sam: You don't known where his hands have been.
  Max: Or when I washed them last.

• Max: Hand over the phone or I'll make you lick my germ encrusted palms!
  Jimmy Two Teeth: Yeah, yeah, I've had worse.
  Max: Like what?
  Jimmy Two Teeth: You don't even want to know.

• (Max is holding Jimmy out the window)
  Max: I warn you, I'm known for my fuzzy white butterfingers.
  Sam: It's true. You should see him trying to tie an ascot.
  Jimmy: All right, all right, have mercy!
  Max: I've had mercy. It was unpleasantly gooey, like...well, like things that have fallen onto pavement from a great height.
  Jimmy: I give up! Take your phone, and let me go!
  (Jimmy coughs up the phone)
  Sam: Oh for the lova... I wish I could unsee that.

• Sam: (reading street sign) Dead end.
  Max: One way, dead end... Street signs are such fitting metaphores for the human condition.
  Sam: Remind me to refill your prescriptions.
  

• Bosco: It's a bargain, trust me, trust me.
  Sam: I never trust a man that says trust me twice.

• Sam:Do you have any... Weasels on a stick?
  Bosco: Nope.
  Sam: Do you have any... two-handed broadswords?
  Bosco: Nope.
  Sam: Do you have any... vegetables in the shape of famous naturalists?
  Bosco: Nope.
  Sam: Do you have any... candy-pink fatboys?
  Bosco: Nope.
  Sam: Do you have any... exiled political dissidents?
  Bosco: Nope.
  Sam: Do you have any... weapons of mass destruction?
  Bosco: Who's asking?

• Bosco: Remember... We never had this conversation.
  Max: What conversation?
  Bosco: The conversation we just had!
  Sam: No, see, he was just acting like he'd already "forgotten" the conversation.
  Bosco: What conversation?
  Max: Oh brother.

• Sam: You know, we did put the kibosh on that whole terrorist operation, so...
  Max: How 'bout some free stuff!
  Bosco: Is that why you did this? For free stuff? Was this... all a part of the plot?!
  Sam: Yes, a labyrinthine scheme in which we paid off a former child star to deliver videos to your store just so that we could knock him out via your own security system and claim an undeserved reward.
  Bosco: So you admit it!
  Max: Conspiracy humor may be lost on this crowd.

• Sam: Nothing lika a gaggle of security cameras pointed at a guy to make him feel at home.
  Max: I'm comfortable with it because I'm uncommonly photogenic.

• Sam: One dollar lottery tickets: two dollars.
  Max: I'm feeling lucky already!

• Sam: Buy one, get one.
  Max: What a deal!

• Sam: (looking at garbage can) No thanks, I brought my lunch today.

• Sam: (looking at microwave) Max, I've got a great idea involving you, a microwave, and 6 feet of aluminum foil.
  Max: Go on...
  Sam: Maybe another time.
  

• Max: Specs! It's you! Wow, an actual celebrity vandalizing our neighborhood. This is great!

• Sam: (looking at gumball machine) Looks like he's got Boston Baked Beans in there this month.
  Max: How do they stay fresh?
  Sam: They don't.

• Sam: (reading headlines on newsbox) Tragedy, greed, cruelty and sports scores.
  Max: That's one of my favorite bands!

• Sam: Where's the rest of the noose collection, Max?
  Max: It's a surprise!

• Sam: We're the Freelance Police. We're here to keep the peace.
  Max: Violently, if possible!

• Sam: We'd like to patronize your fine establishment my good man.
  Max: By patronize you, he means we want to buy stuff from you, not... mock you. We probably will mock you, but that's not what he meant.
  Bosco: I know what he meant. Don't patronize me! So, what do you wanna buy?

• Sam: (inspecting a sorry-looking plant) Hubert could use some water, Max.
  Max: I'm training him to fetch it himself!

• Sam: Multiple reports of malfeasance across the neighbourhood.
  Max: Oh joy! That's my second favourite feasance!

• Bosco: (in a dream, to Sam) I may not show it much, but I love you. Now go wash my car!

• Jimmy Two Teeth: Yaaaaa ouch!
  Sam: Where's the rat?
  Max: I let him go.

• Max: Hey, since you're crazy and all, can I drive this time?
  Sam: Jumping vehicular homicide! No way, little buddy!

• Peepers:You attacked a licensed psychotherapist! How could you?
  Max: Just comes naturally, I guess!

• Max: Hey Sam, if it's always getting later and later, then how come it's early sometimes?
  Sam: That's one of the great mysteries, little buddy.

• Sam: (looking at posters) Looks like there's going to be a lawnmower show!
  Max: Great! I love riding mowers! They're like golf carts with teeth!

• Max: (looking at "Hot weenies" bin) Look, Sam. Mr. Hot Weenie is eating a hot weenie!
  Sam: This rampant weenie cannibalism turns my stomach.

From Sam and Max: Situation: Comedy (2006)

• Max: (1st message on answering machine) Sam, it's me. Open the window, I'm trapped on the ledge again!
  Max: (2nd message) Sam, come on, I have to pee! And the PTA is here, and they're carrying signs!
  Max: (3rd message) Hey Sam, it's me again. I found a way to solve all three of my problems at once, buuut I'm going to be needing bail.

• Sam: (after the player clicks on a bent parking meter) Remember our old car, Max?
  Max: I said I was sorry!

• (reading newspaper headlines)
  Sam: It says this year's fashion is somehow different from last year's fashion.
  Max: But I still have the same brain I had last year.
  Sam: Actually, you don't -- But most people do.
  Sam: It says cloning rights activists are cloning themselves to create a bigger voting bloc.
  Max: It works for locusts.
  Sam: It says they've bred a horse with eight legs!
  Max: Does it run twice as fast?
  Sam: No, but it does eat twice as much.
  

• Sam: (looking at gumball machine outside Bosco's) It looks like candy, but I'm pretty sure it's fish tank gravel again.
  Max: I've had worse.

• Sam: Bosco's chilled and preserved fluids.
  Max: I wonder if Bosco used the fluid sample I submitted?
  Sam: I hope not.

• Sam: Not'chos, free toilet brush with every purchase!
  Max: Free toilet brush? I'm sold!
  Bosco: Used toilet brush.
  Max: ...I'll pass.

• Sam: (looking at the weenies at Bosco's) Are those the same two weenies that were in there a month ago?
  Bosco: (referring to Sam and Max) Are you the same two weenies that were in here a month ago?
  

• Sam: (reading advertisement in Bosco's) Big smokes.
  Max: Don't smoke kids! Unless you're on fire. Then it's only natural.
  

• Bosco: Well, there is still one can of shaving cream the blooming skinbodies haven't got yet.
  Max: Ohh, yeah, I love shaving.
  Sam: That's funny, I've never seen you shave.
  Max: I didn't mean myself.
  

• Sam: Do you have any... complimentary fresh garlic?
  Bosco: Nope.
  Sam: Do you have any... fine leather jackets?
  Bosco: Nope.
  Sam: Do you have any... gumballs the size of your head?
  Bosco: Nope.
  Sam: Do you have any... plus-2 plate armor of limitless squeezability?
  Bosco: Nope.
  Sam: Do you have any... PEZ dispensers with the head of infamous Mexican revolutionary Pancho Villa?
  Bosco: Nope.
  Sam: Do you have any... ketchup?
  Bosco: Nope. Oh wait.
  Max: Got you!
  Bosco: Blast! Drat! Dash it all!
  

• Sam: The spin the bottle championship is coming up.
  Max: I like the sudden death round, with the Molotov cocktails.

• Sam: Tampering with the mail is a federal offense, punishable by fine and imprisonment.
  Max: As we found out after the incident with the garden hose. Ahh, memories.

• Sam: How about a quick psychotherapy analysis? For old times sake!
  Sybil: Oh, alright. Pick a number between one and four.
  Sam: 1
  Sybil: Sounds like inverse paranoia to me.
  Sam: What don't you mean by that?
  Sybil: Mm-hmm, I thought so.

• Sybil: My new tabloid, the Alien Love Triangle Times, needs a cover photo of a biological extraterrestrial entity, or alien, as the unwashed masses call them, caught getting cozy with some of the locals.
  Sam: Sybil, I'd like the record to show that while I support you as a friend, your latest project makes my skin decidedly crawly.
  Max: Me too, and I like it!

• Sam: Nice cactus. Suarel?
  Sybil: Vinyl.
  Max: Hey. If you dipped that in ink, you could do thirty tattoos at once!
  Sybil: If I could scare up thirty customers at once, I would still be in the tattoo business.

• Sam: (looking at the tattoo designs on the wall of Sybil's office) I think those might be iron-ons.
  Max: Convenient and painful; a sure-fire hit with the average consumer.

• Sam: (after player clicks on Sibyl's relax sign with the skulls and snakes) That is the least relaxing sign I have ever seen.
  Max: What about the one at the barber shop that says "Low fatality rate"?
  Sam: I stand corrected.

• Sam: (upon entering the TV studio) Well here we are, Max. The TV station with programs too old to be contemporary, too new to be retro, but consistently derivative enough to be popular W.A.R.P.
  Max: Television so mindless, you can't help but watch!
  Sam: Oddly quiet in here.
  Max: Mysteriously so!
  Sam: Well, let's find this Myra character and smack some good old-fashioned sense into her.
  Max: I don't care if we smack it into her or smack it out of her, just so long as there's smacking involved!
  Sam: You crack me up, little buddy.

• On TV Station Door: In case of fire: This door will be locked and cameras will be switched on for impromptu reality show.

• Sam: (looking at propeller) There's only one explanation for a propeller on the wall...
  Max: Yes. This TV station is a giant flying battleship!
  Sam: Either that or it's just a "prop." Heh, get it?
  Max: I vote for the giant flying battleship.
  

• Sam: You and Myra. Why the hate?
  Director: Look, Myra runs her show her way and I run every other show my way. If she doesn't want me on her set, I could care less.
  Sam: You mean, you couldn't care less. If you could care less then you care some, which doesn't really...
  Director: No, I was right, I could care less, because I care even less about what you're saying right now.
  Max: Ooh, burn!
  Sam: Quiet, knucklehead.

• Sam: (singing when lyric choice is "I am clever because I'm cryptic": May starfish justice not IMPUUUUUUUGN!!!

• Sam: Every chef has their own secret ingredient no one else has ever heard of or used. Mine's MSG.

• Sam: (sprinkling some sort of spice over a pot) Can we say enough about ground ceiling tiles?
  Max: Clearly we cannot!

• Sam: (regarding a cannon) I hope that's a prop.
  Max: I hope it isn't!

• Hugh Bliss: If a man sets out from the Horsehead Nebula in a spaceship traveling at thrice the speed of light, and his father leaves from Rigel Two at the same time going half the speed, how many nanoseconds will it be before time paradox causes the first man never to have been born?

• Sam: Apparently W.A.R.P. can't afford armed guards for their game show questions.
  Max: That's cheating, Sam! Good thinking!!!
  Sam: Don't get your pretty long ears in a twist, little buddy. The answers aren't on here.
  Max: In life, there are no answers, only questions.
  Sam: Another prismatology credo?
  Max: No, I read that on a cereal box. I'm seriously deficient in riboflavin, by the way.
  Sam: You're seriously deficient all right.
  

• Sam: (looking at a turned-off TV in the set) How convenient! This way we can shoot a TV show about people watching a TV show.
  Max: And if the show they're watching is the show of themselves watching, the universe could fold in on itself and explode!
  Sam: Best leave it turned off, then.
  

• Max:"Better get the serious toothpaste!"

• Sam: Humanity's not safe while that mysterious little hypno-bear is on the loose.
  Max: Are we part of humanity, Sam?
  Sam: Not technically, but we're in danger, too.
  

• Max: (on Myra Stump's TV show) I'd like to mention my pal, Sam, and something that happened the other day!
  Myra: Anecdotes about other celebrities -- even ones as dubious as you two -- are always welcome.
  Max: Well, I was battering this purse-snatcher with a broken parking meter and screaming "Die! Why won't you die!" and Sam said, "you crack me up, little buddy!"
  Myra: The point being...?
  Max: I crack Sam up!
  

• (Last lines)
  Max: At the risk of making the obvious comment: That was shocking! Is she breathing?
  Sam: A little. But the creepy teddy bear is toast.
  Max: Nuts. I wanted to ask it a few questions, and maybe use it to hypnotize Katie Couric.
  Sam: Another glorious dream bangs its chin on the dirty pavement. On the bright side, the audience is free to go home!
  Max: Aw, I was just getting warmed up. Do you think Myra will have us back on the show again soon?
  Sam: Um. Speaking of unlikely, did you notice we just had two cases in a row involving hypnotic mind-control?
  Max: Complete coincidence?
  Sam: Yes, I think so. The cogs of the universe synchronize in ways we're not meant to see.
  Max: Speaking of things we're not meant to see, there's a new restaurant at the zoo where you can eat what they feed the animals!
  Sam: Empty popcorn cartons and cigarette butts?
  Max: And processed bread logs loaded with tranquilizers and anti-depressants!
  Sam: Bread logs make me logy. Let's head back to the cooking show set and see if we can figure out how to make fried pork rinds.
  Max: Ok, but I get the feet!
  

From Sam & Max: The Mole, the Mob, and the Meatball (2007)

• Sam: (Picking up an ace from the floor) Hey, an ace. An extra card up your sleeve never hurts.
  Max: Except when the other guy catches you with it and decides to riddle every inch of your boddy with high-caliber bullets and then dump your mutilated corpse in an empty field.
  Sam: Yeah. Except then.

• Sam: "Skin art."
  Max: Is that art for skin, or art made from skin?
  Sam: Your ideas are effervescent pustules, Max. Sparkly and disgusting.

• Sam: What exactly is a professional trial witness?
  Sybil: Oh, it's great. We give dramatic testimonies, sequester ourselves in ritzy hotels, and order room service in the name of truth and justice!
  Sam: It almost sounds like you're taking advantage of this country's overcomplicated legal system.
  Sybil: Do you have a problem with that, Mr. Freelance police?
  Max: Yeah. Why didn't we think of that?

• Sam: You don't feel uncomfortable with getting a case first and then being a witness for it?
  Sybil: Not at all. You see, the problem with most trials is that crimes are witnessed by someone who is unprepared for what is going to happen, or lack the training and skills to accurately relate what happened. With my background and widely varied skill set, I'm perfect.
  Max: That makes sense! Should I be afraid?
  Sam: Probably.

• Sam: You seem, understandably, a little tense. Maybe you should switch to decaf.
  Sybil: What? Oh, yes. The coffee cup. I'm out of coffee but I'm so nervous I keep trying to drink it anyway! It's funny how stress can reduce you to just a bundle of mindless reflexes.
  Max: (to Sam) Is that what happend to me?
  Sam: Wouldn't it be wonderful to think so?

• Sam: (looking at gumball machine) Hmm... Are those...? Yep, they've resorted to filling the candy machine with anti-depressants.
  Max: How depressing.

• Sam: Do you have any... stray tufts of Sasquatch hair?
  Bosco: Non!
  Sam: Do you have any... hats in the shape of a cow udder?
  Bosco: Non!
  Sam: Do you have any... rubber chickens with a pulley in the middle?
  Bosco: Non!
  Sam: Do you have any... amulets of protection against greater hypnosis?
  Bosco: Non!
  Sam: Do you have any...
  Bosco: Non!
  Max: How do you know what he was gonna...
  Bosco: Non!
  Sam: Do you have...
  Bosco: Non!
  Sam: Do you...
  Bosco: Non!
  Sam: Do...
  Bosco: Non!
  

• Sam: We're going after the biggest organized crime group in the business: The Toy Mafia.
  Max: The cutthroat killers with no respect for human life but an odd predeliction for delightful children's toys?
  Sam: The very same.
  Max: I love those guys!

• Sam: Our job is to make contact with the mole and find out if he needs help.
  Max: Is he a large, starshaped mole or a small beauty mark?
  Sam: No idea, Max. To find him, we're supposed to give the code phrase "Does the carpet match the drapes?".
  Max: And what will he say?
  Sam: He'll say "Well, I never!" and smack me across the face.

• Sam: You give out tokens to first time customers?
  Loveybear: That's right. Go on, live a little.
  Sam: It just seems like bad business sense.
  Loveybear: Okay, tell you what, thirteen hours from now, when you're trying to pawn your little friend here to pay off the vig, we can talk about bad business sense.
  Max: Okay, we'll come back then!

• Sam: I hear you have a mole problem?
  Loveybear: Hey! It's a genetic condition! You should have seen my father's back!
  Sam: Holy cow, I'm actually being too subtle.
  Max: First time that's ever happened.

• Sam: Hello there, freaky bear head wearing card dealer.
  Cuddlybear: Hello. I'm Cuddlybear. Wanna play cards?
  Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
  Cuddlybear: Wanna play cards?
  Max: We asked first!
  Cuddlybear: Wanna play cards?
  Sam: Hmm.

• Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
  Leonard Steakcharmer: No. I spilled tobaccoo juice on the drapes.
  Sam: Candid yet sordid. Normally I appreciate that in a gambler.
  Max: But we'll make an exception in your case.

• Sam: Are you a real Indian?
  Leonard Steakcharmer: Yeah, I'm a wooden Indian. As in woudn't bet against me! Ha ha ha.
  Max: I'll kill him!
  Sam: Not yet.

• Leonard Steakcharmer: And if you and your partner try anything funny, I'll shoot you both.
  Max: That seems fair.

• Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
  Toy Mobster: I don't know. I set fire to the drapes. I love to watch things burn.
  Max: Hey, me too!
  Sam: Sorry I asked.

• Sam: It's a rubber ducky ashtray.
  Max: Leave it to the Toy Mafia to make smoking fun!

• Sam: Let us in please.
  Toy Mobster: Only Toy Mafia are allowed in. Not that theres any Mafia here.
  Max: Okay, we want to join the Toy Mafia.
  Toy Mobster: Talk to Chuckles. He's the head of Mafia admissions.
  Sam: Where's Chuckles?
  Toy Mobster: Right behind this door.
  Max: This is what it would be like if Catch 22 had a meaner older brother.
  Toy Mobster: Look, I don't make the rules, I just blindly enforce them.

• Sam: The password is... Swordfish.
  Guard: Nope.
  Sam: The password is... Rosebud.
  Guard: Nope.
  Sam: The password is... password!
  Guard: Nope.
  Sam: Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia?
  Guard: Nope.
  Sam: I've come to grandma's funeral?
  Guard: Nope.
  Sam: Who's on first?
  Guard: Nope.
  Sam: Who's your daddy?
  Guard: Nope.
  Sam: I Am the Walrus?
  Guard: Nope.
  Sam: You remind me of this shopkeeper I know.
  Guard: Nope.
  Sam: I give up. Will you let me in, please?
  Guard: Nope.

• Chuckles: The Toy Mafia could use guys like you who are long on brains and short on scrupples. You interested?
  Sam: We're not really joiners.
  Chuckles: Have you heard the term "offer you can't refuse?"
  Sam: Yes.
  Chuckles: This is one of those.
  Sam: I see.
  Max: I find it hard to refuse any offer whatsoever.
  Sam: It's true. Cereal companies love him. One even put his face on a box.

• Chuckles: Do these three things for us, Sam and Max, and you will be as we are.
  Max: Verbally overwrought?

• Sam: We want to talk to your boss.
  Chuckles: Nobody talks to Don Ted E. Bear, the head of the Toy Maffia!
  Sam: Doesn't he get lonely?
  Chuckles: Except for other members of the Toy Mafia.
  Sam: Oh, that would explain it.

• Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
  Chuckles: The drapes? Ha ha ha ha, oh I'll tell you about the drapes my friend.
  Sam: Uh, no, that's okay.
  Max: Maybe his hobby is interior decorating, Sam.
  Sam: Let's not chance it.

• Sam: Wow. You can watch the whole casino from here.
  Chuckles: And a few other places.
  Max: Or, you could watch Mary Tyler Moore.
  Chuckles: Who told you about that?!

• Max: I've always wanted to be a thug. Officially, I mean.

• Sam: Sweet mother of bleary-eyed gambling addiction, we won!
  Max: Yeah, we "won," but there's no prize!
  Sam: You gotta hand it to Ted E. Bear. He really puts the bandit in one-armed bandit.

• Max: Could I get a grenade ketchup macchiato with extra foam?
  Sam: You crack me up, little buddy.
  Max: Who's joking?

• Bosco: *GASP* You are right! It is a toy mafioso pretending to read the newspaper! He will not sneak past me, oh no!
  Sam: The price of paranoia is eternal vigilance.
  Bosco: *GASP* What if his toy mafia disguise is... Just a disguise?! I gotta see what he's reading!
  Bosco: Hmm. If he's pretending to read local news, he's CIA. If he's pretending to read international, he's CIA.
  Max: Quick, Sam. While he's distracted.
  Sam: Great Coleco's ghost!
  Bosco: Hmm comics. He may be Illuminati.
  Max: When Bosco gets distracted, he really gets distracted!
  Bosco: If he's pretending to do the word jumble, he's with The Knights of Malta...
  Sam: Special delivery...
  Bosco: Hmmmm. The society pages? Must be Skull and Bones.
  Bosco: He's pretending to read the gardening section. So, it's true, he is toy mafia!
  Max: I hope we don't lose Bosco's friendship over this.
  Sam: Me neither, he's me second favorite delusional paranoid!
  Max: Awww!
  Bosco: Oh no. Oh no! He's coming in! We're done for!
  Bosco: I surrender! I surrender!
  Bosco: Aaaah! I told you this would happen! I told you he would deliver, and he delivered!
  Max: I can't believe that guy!
  Sam: Don't worry, Bosco, we'll help you purge this place of mafia contraband just as soon as we solve whis case we're so incredibly busy with.
  Bosco: Oh yeah, you're real busy. You done nothin' but loiter around my store all day!
  Max: What can we say, we love to loiter!

• Sam: What would you do with an inedible meatball sandwich?
  Max: I'd eat it!
  Sam: No, but it's valuable... And inedible!
  Max: I'd... Try to eat it?
  Sam: Let's say that it was something valuable you wouldn't want to eat--Like an antique vegetable!
  Max: Hmmm. I guess I'd either try to sell it or I'd try to hide it until I could sell it--Or maybe I'd do both so I couldn't get caught with it on me when I tried to sell it!

From Sam & Max Episode 4: Abe Lincoln Must Die (2007)

• Sam: How do you stay in business?
  Hugh Bliss: Through the magic of volume! And free delivery!
  Max: You can have all the colours delivered to your door for no green!
  Hugh Bliss: (Stares blankly for a few seconds, then says in an overly cheery voice) I don't get it!

• Sam: Hm. White paint, Christmas lights, and a small barbecue.
  Max: Everything somebody would need to renovate, decorate, and then accidentally burn the place to the ground!
  Sam: Later, Max, later.

• Sam: (to Secret Service agent) Step aside, buddy. Freelance Police.
  Superball: Just a moment, sir. Papa Bear, this is Superball. Possible situation at the front door. Talking dog and... Err... Rabbit? trying to gain access to the OO. Please advise over.
  Max: Superball?
  Superball: Yeah, that's a negative on the access permissions, sir. I'll have to ask you and your little friend to step away from the White House.
  Max: Doggy Daddy, this is Loose Cannon. Request permisson to pants this goon, over.
  Sam: Before we try physical violence, Max, let's try dazzling the man with our razor-sharp wit and labyrinthine logical conundrums.
  Max: Ah, emotional violence! Good plan.

• Sam: (Referring to a scary-looking sign that says Relax) That might be the most unrelaxing Relax sign I've ever seen.
  Max: What about the one at the barber that says 'Low Fatality Rate'?
  Sam: I stand corrected.

• (Reading headlines)
  Sam: "Non-Mafia-owned casino destroyed by mysterious explosion"
  Max: Mysterious? I gave my name to reporters and even posed for pictures!
  Sam: Sometimes blowing something up is its own reward, pal.
  Sam: "President spied in love tryst with Sasquatch"
  Max: I give them three months, tops.
  Sam: "President appoints action figure as Secretary of Defence"
  Max: That is pretty crazy.
  Sam: Well, at least it was an action figure of John Shaft.
  Max: Oh, I can dig it!

• Sam: (looking at gumball machine) Novelty gumballs, shaped just like the real thing, but made of inedible plastic.
  Max: Fool your friends, annoy your grandparents!

• Sam: Do you have any... potatoes in the likeness of catholic saints?
  Bosco: Nyet.
  Sam: Do you have any... souvenir snowglobes from the mystery vortex?
  Bosco: Nyet.
  Sam: Do you have any... Lobstah Fahts brand cereal?
  Bosco: Nyet.
  Sam: Do you have any... tagalog rhyming dictionaries (abridged)?
  Bosco: Nyet.
  Sam: Do you have any... wiener cozies?
  Bosco: Da. We just get shipment of those in this week. Let me look.
  Max: Oh boy!
  Bosco: Wait, did you say "wiener cozies"? I thought you said, "Navajo blankets."
  Bosco: No, we're all out of wiener cozies.
  Sam: Do you have any... Navajo blankets?
  Bosco: Nyet.

• Sam: (looking at cactus) Romance is a lot like this cactus.
  Sybil: Sharp and prickly at first, but worth the effort for the miracle of life at its core.
  Sam: I was thinking more, "fake and unappealing," but your answer's good too.

• Sam: (looking at tiki) I wonder what future archeologists will learn from our most sacred treasure?
  Max: That you can watch 250 channels, and there's still nothing good on.

• Sam: Hey, Sybil. What's new in the world of frequent, random career reassessment?
  Sybil: Hi, fellas. I'm really excited! I found the perfect job for me.
  Sam: You don't say.
  Sybil: That's right. I, Sybil Pandemik, am now a professional matchmaker.
  Max: I thought I smelled phosphorous.
  Sam: I thought I smelled that joke coming down the turnpike, burning oil and dragging its muffler.
  Sybil: It's a dating service, Max. I figured that if a smart, successful career woman like me could be having so much trouble finding a date, there must be plenty of other people who could use help.
  Sam: You're having trouble finding your soulmate?
  Sybil: You don't know the half of it. It seems like all the guys I meet are total losers. No offense.
  Sam: None taken. Hey!
  Sybil: Or else they're borderline psychopaths. No offense.
  Max: None taken. It's the borderline cases you have to watch out for!
  Sam: What kind of man are you looking for?
  Sybil: Older men. Guys with a little history to them are such a turn-on.
  Sybil: Oh, and tall men! And distinguished. And he should be experienced.
  Max: All right, enough already! Yes, I will go out with you, Sybil.
  Sam: I thought she was talking about me!

• Sam: (looking at rathole in the Oval Office) Looks like there are rats in the Oval Office.
  Max: Sam, you've finally done it: A straight line so easy even I won't touch it.

• Sam: (to the President's personal bodyguard) What do you do around here?
  Bodyguard: I give out free T-shirts to the visitor who asks the dumbest question of the day. Please accept my apologies, but we're all out of husky boys' sizes.
  Max: Oooo! Double-burn!
  Sam: I thought you were in my side, Max.
  Max: I just call 'em like I see 'em, Sam.

• President: Ah! Are you two fellas the interpreters? It's about time! Darndest thing, we just had a couple of imposters in here. Dead ringers for you two!
  Sam: Were they walking around, examining everything and engaging everyone in pointless conversation?
  President: Those are the ones!
  Max: Those accursed clones! When will their devilish mimicry end?