Sam Kinison

Sam Kinison was a famously loud tent-show preacher-turned-comedian.

Sourced

• YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my fucking records back!
  • Louder Than Hell.

• The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG, asshole!"
  • Live from Hell.

• This man had to be Captain Kangaroo for over thirty FUCKING YEARS! No scandal, no controversy, drank a lot. You would too. I don't think he knew the show was going to go thirty fucking years. "Goddamn it, I'm fucking Captain Kangaroo. Thought the fucking gig would last two or three years, I didn't think I'd spend my whole fucking life as Captain Kangaroo! I was an actor, I was in the Actor's Studio, I wanted to do Death of a Salesman, I wanted to play Willy. My God, I'm Captain KANGAROO!"
  • Live from Hell.

• I would like to sing a song for my buddy Rodney, whose girl Laverne broke his heart and let him down; but what Rodney doesn't know, he's got every reason to feel so low, 'cause, Rodney, she fucked everyone in this fuckin' town. YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! You used Rodney, you never loved Rodney! Remember when Rodney went to the ball game? You had your own ball game! You fucked the whole fire department! You were the fire, you fucking bitch — they had to use your fucking hose! Oh yeah, you fucked a butcher because he said he had the biggest salami in town! I know all about you! You read Moby Dick because you thought there was dick in it! It was the only book you read; you ended up sucking the book! I was best friend, you sucked my dick, I felt guilty — how come you didn't feel guilty?! 'Cause you don't feel anything, you fucking whore! OH, OH, you oughta die, die, you fucking bitch! DIE!!! DIE, YOU WHORE! DIE DIE DIE DIE!!! How's THAT Rodney, ya feel any better!?
  • Singing a "torch song" for Rodney Dangerfield on Opening Night at Rodney's Place.

• "Here's my man! It doesn't have to stay out and party with his guys!" "Here, let me see that...It doesn't seem to be able to pick up the fucking check, does it?"
  • A woman and her husband arguing about a vibrator, Sam Kinison: Banned

• "I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?"
  • Leader of the Banned
• "They beat us, they beat us, they made us do their BLOW!
  • A captive in a "Drug War" POW camp, Leader of the Banned
• Today we're going to try and say his name...OH! OHHH! Can you even say a part of his name--OH! OHHH!"
  • One of Sam's ex-wives on a psychiatrist's couch, Louder than Hell

• Oh, God, will you SHUT UP! GODDAMMIT, WILL YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! YOU'RE HIS WHORE! OH! OHHHH!
  • from "Sexual Diaries, Have You Seen Me Lately?

• Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid. Well, now I'm ready to go to Heaven and be with Jesus, and...hey? Hey, what's this? Oh, God it feels like a man's DICK IN MY ASS! Oh, GOD!!! I'M DEAD!!! Oh, you mean life keeps on fucking you even after you're dead? Oh, it never ends! OH! OHHH!!!
  • from "Parties With the Dead," Have You Seen Me Lately?

• Fuckin' album sold two million records with a song called "Suck My Dick"! Like the guy got up one morning and went, "you know, today I wanna write a song. Today I want to write a love song. I want to write a song that tells how a woman and a man feel when they meet each other for the first time and they fall in love; I want to put into words feelings that men have always had, but they've never been able to express. All right, I think I'll call this song..." [Pauses, then the audience yells "Suck My Dick"]
  • from "Rap Sucks," Live From Hell

• You'd have done her. You'd have been just like JFK, you'd have been there in the Oval Office, Marilyn across the desk, your dick up her ass, lookin' out at the Washington Monument going, "you know, it doesn't get much better than this, doesn't it? President of the United States, dick in Marilyn Monroe, my finger on the fucking button telling the fucking Russians to get their missiles out of Cuba in twelve hours. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS"
  • from "J.F.K.," Live From Hell

• I didn't think it was that big of a fucking deal, there's bigger news stories happening. There's a guy in Milwaukee with heads in his icebox, but our top story is: Sam Kinison missed the Joan Rivers Show. It's like I'm the only guy in show business that's fucked up recently. There's a couple guys that, I think, have like outdone me a little bit. Like Rick Fucking James, for starters. I missed a show, I didn't torture a woman with a fucking base pipe, I'm not out on $500,000 bail. I'm not Billy Preston, who's going "ah, donde esta la fiesta?" How about Axl Rose, who has a warrant out for his arrest in the state of Missouri for inciting a riot, $300,000 worth of damage, 60 people injured, and I MISSED A SHOW!
  • from "I Missed the Joan Rivers Show," Live From Hell

• Sam: We want to bring him out. Here he is, Mr. Doug Bady, ladies and gentlemen. Doug Bady, the littlest fucking Outlaw, here he is! Oh, he's drinking a beer. That's alright. I'm just not used to seeing one of Jerry's Kids with a fucking beer, but... Doug Bady, a man that loves Jerry Lewis, appreciates what Jerry has done. And Doug, Jerry Lewis, isn't he wonderful?
  Doug: Fuck him!
  Sam: Jesus Christ, man, what are you saying?
  Doug: He's a piece of shit, he's never done anything for me.
  Sam: You can't...you can't say this about Jerry Lewis in Las Vegas on the telethon weekend!
  Doug: Why not? He's never done anything for me, thirty years he's been running the telethon!
  Sam: What are you saying?
  Doug: That son of a bitch! He hasn't done a goddamn thing for me!
  Sam: Jerry Lewis has never done a thing for you?
  Doug: No! He's been doing this goddamn telethon for thirty years now, he's made, what, two or three billion dollars...
  Sam: Who gave him the beer? WHO GAVE HIM THE BEER?!
  Doug: ...I haven't seen dime one!
  Sam: Get him out of here, he's fucking drunk! Get him out of here! He hates Jerry Lewis, never did a fucking thing...you little bitter BASTARD! YOU'RE BITTER! Take his ass off my stage! Fuckin' BEAT HIM, BEAT HIM!!! TAKE HIS CHAIR! BEAT HIS LITTLE BITTER FUCKING ASS!
  Doug: Actually, what I meant to say was...I love Jerry. Great guy.
  • Leader of the Banned

• Jesus' Wife: "And where have YOU been for the past three days, Mr. Winemaker?"
  

Jesus Christ: "It's okay, I'll tell you...Not that's important or anything, but I was DEAD!!! I'M IN A FUCKIN' GRAVE OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I'M FIGHTIN' DEATH, HELL, DECOMPOSURE! I'M CHANGIN' SPIRITUAL FORM, ABOUT TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND I GO "WAIT A SECOND! I GOTTA GO BACK BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!"

--the argument Jesus Christ has with his wife following his return home after the Resurrection, Louder than Hell

1985 HBO Special

• You want to help world hunger? Stop sending them food. Don't send them another bite, send them U-Hauls. Send them a guy that says, "You know, we've been coming here giving you food for about 35 years now and we were driving through the desert, and we realized there wouldn't BE world hunger if you people would live where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what it's gonna be 100 years from now? IT'S GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just don't live in them, assholes!"
  • On the starvation in Ethiopia.
  • As seen in his first appearance on Letterman.

• Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's think you're from fuckin' Europe or somethin: "OH GOD, WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT, OHHH," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G."

• We don't WANT to drink and drive ... But there's no other way to get the fucking CAR back to the HOUSE!! How are we supposed to get fucking home??!!

• [Rock Hudson] was on his deathbed, going, "It was that last fucking dick... god DAMN it, why did I suck it, WHY DID I SUCK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Million of dicks, never had a problem before--dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck; dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck. Never had a problem--IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN DICK!!!"

• I was MARRIED for TWO FUCKING YEARS! Hell would be like Club Med!

• How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?

• There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

• The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times....bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice....so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going....YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?!....YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET!....MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!!....I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!....
  • On Manson-family murder victim Wojciech Frykowski