Scott Adams

Sourced

• Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons
  • Title of book, Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons (1995)

• Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

• They say that dogs lick their own genitalia because they can. But I think it's at least partially because they don't have the Internet.

• The world isn't fair, but as long as it's tilting in my direction I find that there's a natural cap to my righteous indignation.

• As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.

• If there is one thing that our role models in this election have taught us, it's that omitting important information is completely different from lying.

• The biggest issue in this election is something called flip-flopping, and all candidates are accused of doing it. A strong leader is expected to maintain steadfast resolve in his opinion even if the environment changes or he gets new information. In any other context, that would be considered the first sign of a brain tumor. When presidents do it, it's called leadership, and frankly, we can't get enough of it.

• Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first.

• Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.

• There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.

• Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

• If an economist uses a complicated model to predict just about anything, you can ignore it. By analogy, a doctor can’t tell you the exact date of your death in 50 years. But if a doctor tells you to eat less and exercise more, that’s good advice even if you later get hit by a bus. Along those same lines, economists can give useful general advice on the economy, even if you know there will be surprises. Still, be skeptical.
  • Press release, 10 September 2008http://dilbert.com/blog

Restaurant menus

• You might think the word “homemade” is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don’t realize is that the staff sleeps here at night. If your tablecloth is wrinkled, that’s why.
  • Atttributed to Adams by
    
    • We know the goats are imported because they don’t speak English.
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        • If you think it’s easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you’ve probably never tried.
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            • If you have questions about this salad, give your server the spinach inquisition.
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                • Named after the great romaine emperor, Julius Salad.
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                    • We smoke the bacon so you don’t have to.
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                        • This sandwich used to include endive, but no one wanted to eat a BELT.
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                            • Our salmon sandwiches are so good you’ll want to swim upstream to our kitchen and spawn. But please don’t.
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                                • If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.
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                                    • We use only the finest days of the week in this dish.
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                                        • This dish might not turn you into a syndicated cartoonist, but whatever you’re doing now probably isn’t working either.
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                                            • If you don’t believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.
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                                                • Stacey puts a little love in each pasta shell. But it’s self-love, so it won’t help you that much.
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                                                    • Biblical scholars tell us that this is the same meal that Jesus ate at the last supper. But hey, I’m sure you have a good reason for ordering something else.
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                                                        • Our scallops are so delicious your mouth will thank you, which is creepy because your mouth can actually talk.
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                                                            Unsourced

                                                            • There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens.
                                                              • Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel (2002)
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            • These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print.
                                                              • The Dilbert Principle (1995)
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            • Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.
                                                              • The Dilbert Principle (1995)
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            • People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.
                                                              • Dilbert, in Daily Dilbert, 26 March 2005
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            • So, I heard the Fed increased the money supply, but I checked my bank balance and it's the same as before.
                                                              • Dogbert's world of amazingly ignorant people.
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            • Every generation of humans believed it had all the answers it needed, except for a few mysteries they assumed would be solved at any moment. And they all believed their ancestors were simplistic and deluded. What are the odds that you are the first generation of humans who will understand reality?
                                                              • The Avatar, from God's Debris
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            • Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any of that stuff helped, then all the smart people would have the same opinions. So use your "gut instinct" to make voting choices. That is exactly like being clueless, but with the added advantage that you'll feel as if your random vote preserved democracy.
                                                              • Response to an "Ask Dogbert" letter
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            • Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.