Shrek Quotations

Shrek is a 2001 animated film about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with an annoying donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King.
Directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson. Written by William Steig (book) and Ted Elliott.
The greatest fairy tale never told.taglines
The prince isn't charming. The princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.taglines

Shrek

I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!

(upon seeing the castle where Fiona is held prisoner) Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location!

(seeing Lord Farquaad's enormous castle) Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

[to Hood, who has just hijacked Fiona] Hey, that's my princess! Go find your own!

(to everyone who has been forced into the swamp) What are you doing in my swamp?!! (echoes)

Donkey

Now I'm a flyin' talkin' donkey! You mighta seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly!

(after Shrek roars, trying to scare him off) Oh my! That was REALLY scary. And if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath STINKS!

...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man, I had some strong gases eekin' outta my butt that day!

You hear that? She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.

Blue flower, red thorns, blue flower, red thorns-- This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind!

No one likes a kiss-ass.

You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!

When I get outta here, I'm gonna need some serious therapy! Look at my eye twitching!

Nobody move! I have a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

Don't die on me, Shrek. Oh, and if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

Princess, you're not that ugly. Well, all right, you are ugly; I ain't gonna lie to you. But you're only like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.

Dialogue

(Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp)

1st Villager: Do you know what that thing could do to you?

2nd Villager: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!

Shrek: (exposes himself) Actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast.

3rd Villager: (waves a torch in front of Shrek) Back! Back, ya beast! Back! I warn ya!

(Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match)

3rd Villager: (nervously) Right.

(Silence)

Shrek: (roars ferociously) ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!

(He waits until the villagers have stopped screaming)

Shrek: (whispers) This is the part where you run away.

(The villagers do so)

Shrek: (laughs) And stay out!

Old Lady: No no no! He talks!...He does! (moves Donkey's lips) I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Captain: (annoyed) Get her outta my sight.

Shrek: (to Donkey) WHY...are you following me?

Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me! My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me! But you gotta have friends--

Shrek: Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?

Donkey: Uh... [looks Shrek up and down] really tall?

Shrek: No, I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: [shakes his head happily] Nope.

Shrek: [surprised] Really?

Donkey: Really really.

Donkey: [eyeing the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home] I guess you don't, uh...entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know...

[Big awkward silence ensues]

Donkey: ...Can I stay with you?

Shrek: What?

Donkey: Can I stay with you... please?

Shrek: [sarcastically friendly] Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please, I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! [slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look] Well, maybe you do, but that's why we gotta stick together, you gotta lemme stay!

Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!

Shrek: Ohh!

Donkey: Where do, uh... I sleep?

Shrek: OUTSIDE!

Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run, as you fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!

Gingy: You're a monster.

Lord Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me! Where are the others?

Gingy: Eat me! [spits some milk on Farquaad]

Lord Farquaad: [grunts] I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! TELL ME, OR I'LL --- [reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]

Gingy: No, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!

Lord Farquaad: All right, then, who's hiding them?!

Gingy: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man.

Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the muffin man. W-Who lives down Drury Lane?

Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man...

Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man!

Lord Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man...

Puppets at the Information Center: [Singing] Welcome to DuLoc, such a perfect town
Here we have some "rules", let us lay them down,
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is a perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face!
DuLoc is
DuLoc is
DuLoc is a perfect... place!

[Camera flash; the stand spits out a photo of Shrek and Donkey]

Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!

Lord Farquaad: [upon seeing Shrek for the first time] What is that? Urgh, it's hideous!

Shrek: Well, that's not very nice. [looks at Donkey] It's just a donkey.

Donkey: So, you gotta go to this abandoned castle, get past a dragon and rescue a princess so Farquaad gives you back your swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place, is that right?

Shrek: You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

[Shrek and Donkey are on their way to rescue Fiona. Donkey sniffs the air, and smells something horrible.]

Donkey: Whew, Shrek, did you do that?! Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.

Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone...we must be getting close.

Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone, and it didn't come off no stone neither.

[Shrek and Donkey finally reach the terrifying castle where Fiona is imprisoned]

Donkey: [nervous] Er, Shrek, you know when you said that ogres have layers?

Shrek: Oh, aye?

Donkey: Well, I sorta have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.

Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

Donkey: You know what I mean!

Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights?

Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boilin' lake of lava!

Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?

Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.

Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

Donkey: How do you know that?

Shrek: I read it in a book once.

Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?!

Shrek: It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

Fiona: But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did!

Shrek: [glances at a scorched skeleton] Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

Fiona: Where are you going? The exit's that way!

Shrek: Well, I have to save my ass (Donkey).

Fiona: What kind of knight are you?

Shrek: One of a kind.

Donkey: Hi, princess!

Fiona: It talks!

Shrek: Yeah. It's gettin' him to shut up that's the trick.

Fiona: But how will you kiss me?

Shrek: What? That wasn't in the job description!

Donkey: Maybe it's a perk!

Princess Fiona: I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre, and-and his pet!

Donkey: Well, so much for "noble steed"!

Shrek: Princess, you're not making my job any easier--

Princess Fiona: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly... [sitting sharply down] I'll be waiting for him right here!

Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right?! I'm a delivery boy.

Princess Fiona: You wouldn't dare...!

[Shrek roughly slings her over his shoulder and starts carrying her to DuLoc.]

[Donkey has been telling Fiona about DuLoc]

Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What's he like?

Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess. [knowing glance at Donkey] Men of Farquaad's standards are in "short" supply. [chuckles]

Donkey: No, Shrek. There are those who think very "little" of him!

[Shrek and Donkey laugh]

Princess Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

Shrek: [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow!

Princess Fiona: [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?

Shrek: No, that'll take longer.

Princess Fiona: But there's...robbers in the woods!

Donkey: [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!

Shrek: Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--

Princess Fiona: [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!

[Shrek is showing Donkey some star constellations]

Shrek: Over there. That's Throwback, the only ogre ever to spit over three wheatfields.

Donkey: Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

Shrek: Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. [points] Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent. [grins] You can guess what he's famous for.

Donkey: Alright, I know you're makin' this up.

Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.

Donkey: Ah, that ain't nothin' but a buncha little dots!

Shrek: Y'know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. [pauses, then indicates himself] Hmm? [another pause] Ah, never mind.

[Silence]

Donkey: Hey, Shrek. What are we gonna do, when we get our swamp back?

Shrek: Our swamp?

Donkey: Y'know, when we're through with rescuin' the princess and all that stuff.

Shrek: We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a 10-foot wall around my land.

Donkey: [looks hurt] You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. [cheerful again] Y'know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is to try and keep somebody out.

Shrek: [sarcastically] No! Y'think?

Donkey: Are you hidin' something?

Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.

Donkey: Ooooh, this is another one of those "onion" things, isn't it?

Shrek: No, this is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things.

Donkey: Why don't you wanna talk about it?

Shrek: [irritated] Why do you want to talk about it?

Donkey: Are you blocking?

Shrek: I'm not blocking!

Donkey: Yes you are.

Shrek: [really getting angry] Donkey, I'm warning you...

Donkey: Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?

Shrek: [loses it] Everyone! Okay?!

[Pause]

Donkey: [grins] Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere!

Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete!

Donkey: What exactly is your problem, Shrek? What you got against the world, huh?

Shrek: I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go "Aaaahh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" [sighs, dejectedly] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

[Donkey, with a sympathetic expression on his face, comes to sit beside Shrek]

Donkey: Y'know, when we met, I didn't think you were just a big stupid ugly ogre.

Shrek: Yeah, I know.

Donkey: So...[looks back at the stars] are there any donkeys up there?

Shrek: Well, there's Gabby the Small...and Annoying.

Donkey: Oh yeah, I see him. That big shiny one there, right?

Shrek: That's the moon.

[Shrek, Donkey, and Fiona are walking through the forest. Shrek burps.]

Donkey: Shrek!

Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out that in, I always say.

Donkey: But that's no way to behave in front of a princess.

[Fiona burps louder]

Fiona: Thanks.

Donkey: [to Shrek] She's as nasty as you are!

[Fiona is trying to hide indoors before nightfall.]

Donkey: Wait a minute, now I see what's going on here. [slight pause] You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?

Fiona: Why...yes! Yes, that's it, I'm terrified!

Donkey: Don't worry, princess, I used to be afraid of the dark too. But that was until-- No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

Fiona: [as ogress] Donkey, shh, shh it's me...in this body.

Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess!

Donkey: Look, you love this woman, don't you?

Shrek: Yes.

Donkey: You wanna hold her?

Shrek: Yes.

Donkey: Please her?!

Shrek: YES!

Donkey: [sings] Then ya got to, got to try a little tenderness! The chicks love that romantic crap!

Shrek: All right! Cut it out! When does this guy say the line?

Donkey: We gotta check it out.

Taglines

The greatest fairy tale never told.

The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.

Cast

Mike Myers - Shrek (voice)
Eddie Murphy - Donkey (voice)
Cameron Diaz - Princess Fiona (voice)
John Lithgow - Lord Farquaad (voice)
Vincent Cassel - Monsieur Hood (voice)

Quoternity