Sports Night Quotations

Sports Night was an American television series, written and created by Aaron Sorkin, about a fictional sports news show.

Pilot [1.01]

J.J.: I’m concerned with Casey’s performance on the air lately.

Dan: What's your point?

J.J.: My point is, at the moment, Casey has less on-air charm and charisma than my high school driving instructor, and you know it, Dan. Now I think the time has come for you to think about the possibility of another partner.

Dan: I’m not going to do the show with your high school driving instructor, J.J., if that’s what you’re asking me.

Casey: You wanna do something tonight after the show?

Dan: Yeah, y'know, I was gonna hop a ride on the Staten Island ferry for awhile, eat a hotdog. You wanna come?

Casey: Yeah, absolutely, and I'll tell you why. 'Cause it's seventeen degrees outside with the wind chill so what I want to do is stand on a boat in the middle of New York harbor at half-past midnight.

Dan: You have a better idea?

Casey: Well, we could go to a bar, find some people we don't like and beat the crap out of them.

The Apology [1.02]

Dana: Hey, look everybody. It's two sports anchors, and that's a good break for us, because we're about to do a sports show.

Casey: Sarcasm, thy name is Dana.

Casey: There is a perception in the press, never clearer than in this article, that I'm not cool. Now, where do you think this perception comes from?

Dana: I think it comes from reality.

The Hungry and the Hunted [1.03]

Isaac: It's taken me a lot of years, but I've come around to this: If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.

Dan: I've been thinking a lot about soccer lately.

Casey: And?

Dan: I'm pretty much through with that.

Casey: Yeah?

Dan: Ya know, to save my life I couldn't name five teams that play in the MLS? I know there's Luxembourg.

Casey: The MLS is an American soccer league.

Dan: Luxembourg doesn't play in this league?

Casey: No.

Dan: So I don't even know Luxembourg.

Casey: [to Kim] Ow again.

Kim: Ya know, this is what you get for being a grown man who can't dress himself.

Casey: I used to have a wife for that.

Dan: I'll tell you what else. I'm starting to get a little cheesed at people telling me the reason I don't like soccer is that I don't understand it. I think I do understand it. I think I understand it just fine. I just happen to think it's a mind-numbing bore, and that any reasonable person would rather be playing it than watching it.

Casey: Well I know it doesn't match the pulse-pounding excitement of a good sailboat race.

Dan: Alright, nobody move. Name five teams that play in the MLS. And Casey says it's an American soccer league, so you can't choose Luxembourg. Go.

Natalie: Columbus Crew.

Elliot: Miami Fusion.

Natalie: New England Revolution.

Kim: Tampa Bay Mutiny.

Natalie: D.C. United.

Dave: Chicago Fire.

Natalie: Colorado Rapids.

Chris: Dallas Burn.

Natalie: Kansas City Wizards.

Will: Los Angeles Galaxy.

Natalie: And the New York/New Jersey Metro-Stars.

Dan: You all just made that up, didn't you?

Casey: You got smoked.

Intellectual Property [1.04]

Mallory: Listen, I think it’s sweet that you and your partner sing to each other on television. Others may think it’s vaguely gay, but I disagree.

Dana: You have good ideas a lot. I find myself saying, "Natalie's got a good idea."

Natalie: But you also find yourself saying, "Natalie, if you screw that up again I'll set you on fire."

Mary Pat Shelby [1.05]

Dana: How much do you love me?

Dan: I want to grow a goatee.

Dana: Very, very bad idea. How much do you love me?

Dan: I think it would look good.

Dana: I think you would look like Colonel Sanders. How much do you love me?

Dan: A little less than I did before the Colonel Sanders thing.

Bill: This is a third place show on a fourth rate network.

Dan: Yeah, but that’s all gonna change once I grow a goatee.

Casey: He’s just crazy enough to do it.

The Head Coach, Dinner and the Morning Mail [1.06]

Jeremy: This is professional television. Surely there's some kind of strict procedure that's followed when something like this happens.

Dana: Absolutely.

Jeremy: What is it?

Dana: Well first, everyone stand up and see if you're sitting on it.

Casey: I am a commentator, I am a pundit, I am doing my job.

Dan: You're a pundit?

Casey: I am.

Dan: Well, your parents must be very proud.

Casey: They are.

Dear Louise [1.07]

Elliot: How's the writer's block?

Dan: You're gonna need to get someone to fix my computer.

Kim: What's wrong with it?

Dan: It's in several pieces on my floor.

Gordon: You know, Casey, I'm not going to deny this hasn't been my finest hour, but there's really nothing you can say that's going to rattle me. I'm just happy to be here, happy to be talking to you, and happy to be having sex with Dana every night.

Casey: You know [long pause] it really wasn't my intention to discuss any Dana-related matters. I was just reading this New York Times piece on the forensic evidence, the ballistics match, the eye-witnesses, and the 78 hours worth of wire-taps, a portion of which included the defendant saying "I killed him, I killed him, I killed him dead", and was wondering what a fella has to do to get thrown in jail on your watch?

Gordon: How bout I run you through an IRS audit and we find out?

Thespis [1.08]

Isaac: So you say a few words. You make a gesture. You remember an important date. A small price to pay for what you get in return. For what you get in return, it's a steal.

Dana: I've named this Thanksgiving. I'm calling it "The Thanksgiving of Mom's Disapproval." Included on the two-record set are the hit songs "Why Aren't You Married?" and "Sports Is No Place For An Educated Woman," and "Didn't Anyone Ever Tell You How To Cook A Turkey?"

The Quality of Mercy at 29K [1.09]

Dan: A couple of months ago I wrote a check to someone. Now I'm in the middle of Dickensian London.

Natalie: Two guys have ascended five miles into the sky. They walked up a wall of ice, and are preparing to knock on the door of Heaven itself. There's really no end to what we can do. You know what the trick is?

Dan: What?

Natalie: Get in the game.

Shoe Money Tonight [1.10]

Jeremy: Look at me. I'm not lying to you. I have a straight.

Natalie: How do you know I don't have a big house?

Jeremy: A FULL house. Dan already folded the six you needed, and I have the other one. You don't have a house of any sort, you don't have a pup tent. You've got trip sevens, and I have a straight. I want you to trust me right now. I want you to say to yourself, yeah, I've dated a string of jerks in my life, they were stupid, they were mean to me, but maybe this one's different. Maybe I should take a chance and not adopt the break-up-with-him-before-he-breaks-my-heart strategy. I want you to remember that when I started liking you, I didn't stop liking tennis. And I want you to know that I don' t think there's a woman in the world that you need to be threatened by, no matter how glamorous you think she is. But mostly, I want you to trust me, just once, when I tell you you have three sevens, and I have a straight.

Sally: Anyway, I really appreciate the two of you sticking around and filling in.

Casey: It's no problem.

Sally: Oh, please, you think I wanna be stuck doing the two a.m.? This is just a temp gig.

Casey: Temp gig?

Dan: Temporary gig.

Casey: Thanks.

Sally: My stuff's out there. I talk to a lot of people.

Dan: Just as long as none of them are talkin' back.

Sally: CNBC, MSNBC--

Dan: M-O-U-S-E...

Casey: Danny--

Dan: Oh, like she's listening to anybody but herself.

The Six Southern Gentlemen of Tennessee [1.11]

Isaac: Danny, I need to talk to you.

Dan: Good, 'cause I need to talk to you too. Who should go first?

Isaac: Since I don't really care what you have to say, I think it should be me.

Isaac: Exaudio, comperio, conloquor. That's a Latin phrase that translates "To listen, to learn, to speak." Those words are carved into the stone arches that form the entrance to the undergraduate library at Tennessee Western University. This afternoon, an extraordinary young man named Roland Shepard made what had to have been an excrutiating decision. He said he wasn't playing football under a Confederate flag. Six of his teammates then chose not to let Shepard stand alone. And I choose to join them at this moment. In the history of the South, there's much to celebrate. And that flag is a desecration of all of it. It's a banner of hatred and separation. It's a banner of ignorance and violence and a war that pitted brother against brother, and to ask young black men and women, young Jewish men and women, Asians, Native Americans, to ask Americans to walk beneath its shadow is a humiliation of irreducable proportions.

Smoky [1.12]

Dan: You could be having sex with Yoko Ono right now.

Casey: Please don't ever say that again.

Sally: As we speak, one of your LC-Wire frames is misprocessing data while two of your associate producers stand over the monitor attempting to have phone sex.

Isaac: Please don't tell me which two.

Small Town [1.13]

Dana: You think at a certain point during the evening you'll say something wonderful to me and I'll melt and that'll teach me for going out with Gordon instead of you.

Casey: I'll settle for you spilling something on yourself.

Natalie: You want to leave the room?

Jeremy: No!

Natalie: Then allow for the possibility that from time to time other people are at least as smart as you are.

Rebecca [1.14]

Dan: So, I'm gonna try telling you this story one more time.

Casey: Can I just make a suggestion?

Dan: Sure.

Casey: What if, instead of you telling me this story again right this second, you never tell me this story ever?

Dana: Wow.

Casey: Wow what?

Dana: Those cars are going fast.

Casey: Yeah, they're going as fast as they can because the first one across the finish line gets a trophy and a check.

Dana: Like a race?

Casey: Right.

Dana and the Deep Blue Sea [1.15]

Dan: The sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father, who used to take her to a neighborhood park all covered with cheese.

Dana: This is their world, Isaac. They live where it's murky. Poisonous, tentacle-baring, prehistoric sea-creatures.

Isaac: You're afraid of fish.

Dana: And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Sally [1.16]

Dan: You went to a woman's apartment and there you had wine and there you had sex.

Casey: You are way off base, that is not what happened, except... yes, that's what happened.

Dan: Casey.

Casey: Fine.

Dan: I'm so proud of you.

Casey: I never liked you at all.

Dan: You're nineteen feet tall. Why are you wearing heels?

Sally: Are you feeling diminuitive?

Dan: No, but now I have to go look up that word.

How are Things in Glocca Morra? [1.17]

Dan: Casey.

Casey: I'll tell you what the problem is here.

Dan: No provolone cheese?

Casey: No provolone.

Dan: You're saying you don't want to talk about it.

Casey: I'm saying I'd like, just once, for there to be provolone.

Dan: Is this one of those times when you say you don't want to talk about it, but you really do?

Casey: No, but it's shaping up to be one of those times when I say I don't want to talk about it but we end up talking about it anyway.

Dan: Hey Sally, you must've slept with this guy Fedrigotti. How long you think he can keep at this?

Sally: I was just thinking, it's been such a long time since Dan said something charming to me, and then there it was.

The Sword of Orion [1.18]

Dan: Did Orlando Rojas pitch this afternoon?

Casey: I do not know.

Dan: You don't know?

Casey: I do not.

Dan: Natalie, did Orlando Rojas pitch this afternoon?

Natalie: That's a good question.

Dan: Thanks you very much. Did he pitch this afternoon?

Natalie: I do not know.

Dan: Thank God none of us work in sports.

Casey: [on-air] We'll show you why McKenzie Blane falls mainly on Tulane, and we'll do other things that rhyme as well.

Eli's Coming [1.19]

Dana: Listen, Isaac's gonna want to show us pictures from his vacation, so I'm gonna get a "welcome back" cake and we'll have a little party in his office tomorrow.

Casey: What kind of cake?

Dana: What kind of cake?

Casey: Yes.

Dana: I don't know, Casey, why do you ask?

Casey: I'm particular about cake. And I have to say, it's been my experience that men buy better cake than women. I've found that women tend to get these yogurt-frosted low-cal things laced with a rum and fruit concoction that make eating cake into something you do to be polite. So that's why I was asking what kind of cake you were planning on getting to celebrate Isaac returning from vacation.

Dana: Wow. I didn't know you felt so strongly about it. But now that I do, I guess the answer is "whatever cake I damn please."

Dana: You're damn right there's an economy of language. I got the job done in two words. And I think... I can make another cut! Yes. We don't need "back"! We can cut the "back".

Jeremy: Cut the "back"?

Dana: Yes.

Jeremy: And have it just say "Welcome"?

Dana: Yes.

Casey: "Welcome"?

Dana: Do you have a problem with that?

Jeremy: He'll think he just cleared Customs.

Ordnance Tactics [1.20]

Casey: Is there anyone who can say anything that will make us feel like the smart thing to do is to stay in this building right now?

Dana: In ten minutes, three and a half million people will tune in to watch the two of you on television. Many of them will be women.

Dan: Well, if you've got some calm people and you want to make them upset, I say we're the guys to do it!

Ten Wickets [1.21]

Dana: There are three things that I'm doing. I'm losing things, I'm forgetting things... and there's the third one.

Jeremy: There are countries other than ours.

Dana: Yes, there is, for instance, Belgium, to name the one.

Napoleon's Battle Plan [1.22]

Dan: Alyson, as you can see, Casey and I aren't wearing any pants, so I think in the interest of office professionalism you should avert your eyes.

Alyson: Okay.

Dan: Either that or take off your pants.

Alyson: I'll avert my eyes.

Casey: Suit yourself, but you should know I play squash three times a week and my calves have been called shapely.

Dan: Casey?

Casey: Yeah?

Dan: Who's been calling your calves shapely?

Casey: My mom.

Dan: Okay, don't talk to me for the rest of the show.

Dan: Why is it wrong to tell her, huh?

Casey: Doesn't seem very manly, does it?

Dan: [sulkily] I'll do it in a deep voice.

What Kind of Day Has it Been [1.23]

Casey: Try not to traumatize the new nanny.

Dan: Why would I traumatize the new nanny?

Casey: I don't know, but you always do.

Dan: I like nannies.

Casey: I know.

Dan: I'm thinking of getting one for myself.

Casey: Good.

Dan: 'Course, she'd probably end up going back to her ex-husband.

Jeremy: Dana, do you have the first idea how to operate any of this equipment?

Dana: This is called an owner's manual, my friend, and I've read it cover to cover.

Jeremy: I've read Doctor Zhivago cover to cover, it doesn't make me the Czar.

Special Powers [2.01]

Dan: Isaac, you can't work full-time.

Isaac: I have to.

Dan: Why?

Isaac: Because they pay me to.

Dan: You had a stroke.

Isaac: Is that what that was?

Dan: Yes!

Isaac: I thought it was bad swordfish!

Jeremy: I deem that the fight is officially over.

Natalie: Excellent. I deem I'm coming to bed in your tuxedo shirt, high heels and nothing else.

Jeremy: Excellent.

Natalie: Tell me women don't have special powers!

When Something Wicked This Way Comes [2.02]

Isaac: What are you dressed as?

Dana: I'm going to a bachelorette party. It's a themed bachelorette party.

Natalie: Ask her what the theme is.

Isaac: I just assumed it was hookers.

Dana: It's biker chicks.

Isaac: Just as good in my book.

Dan: Hillary Clinton thinks I'm an idiot!

Casey: Either that or a religious bigot.

Dan: I went to an Ivy League school, Casey.

Casey: Proud day for Dartmouth, Dan.

Dan: I made an idiot out of myself in front of Hillary Clinton!

Casey: Yeah, but at least you had to spend a thousand bucks to do it.

Cliff Gardner [2.03]

Dan: I have gifts for you.

Dana: That wasn't necessary.

Dan: I think it was. You once took a trip to Napa and you visited a small vineyard there. You told me you tried some wine that you loved and could never find it anywhere. I thought I remembered the name but I wasn't sure. Is this it?

Dana: [surprised] Yes.

Dan: Good! I always like wine with cheese.

Dana: I know.

Dan: I wanted to get you some cheese. There's a great cheese place over on Second Avenue. I went over there after I got the wine but it's gone... there's a hardware store there now.

Dana: That's okay.

Dan: I got you some spackle.

Isaac: Just because we didn't execute all the network's suggestions, doesn't mean we weren't listening, it just means we didn't agree. You didn't expect me to substitute your judgement for mine, did you, J.J.?

Louise Revisited [2.04]

Sam: I've noticed you people have an ability to chatter at someone with energy and enthusiasm regardless of whether they seem interested or not.

Dan: And that's not just on camera.

Natalie: Hello.

Jeremy: Aaah!

Natalie: Did I scare you?

Jeremy: No.

Natalie: Why did you yell?

Jeremy: I meant to say "hi."

Natalie: What happened?

Jeremy: I misspoke?

Kafelnikov [2.05]

Casey: Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute, was 26 for 32 in passing...

Dana: There's no question that there's a way to look at this where... it's my fault.

Jeremy: What's another way to look at it?

Dana: There's no other way to look at it.

Shane [2.06]

Isaac: How do you think Dana would feel about it?

Casey: Dana?

Isaac: Yeah.

Casey: Ah, who knows with Dana. One day she's up, another day she's down. That's girl's nuttier than a squirrel's cheeks in October. The point is... she's standing right behind me, right?

Dana: I cannot believe you.

Casey: Wait.

Dana: You went over my head.

Casey: I can explain this.

Dana: How?

Casey: I went over your head.

Dana: Casey!

Casey: Hey, I'm just trying to be courteous, okay? I didn't want to interrupt your dancing.

Dana: And you just sat there?

Isaac: It's my desk!

Abby: Danny, of all the psychological problems you have, and they are myriad, not being able to pronounce Yevgeny Kafelnikov isn't one of them.

Dan: Then why can't I pronounce it?

Abby: Because it's a hard name to pronounce.

Kyle Whitaker's Got Two Sacks [2.07]

Dana: Stand there. I'm gonna sack you.

Jeremy: Okay, I need just another moment of your time, then you can go back to being crazy.

Dana: My brother can beat up your brother.

Natalie: My brother's a grad student in comparative literature. My mother could beat up my brother.

The Reunion [2.08]

Natalie: I love you, Danny. You're the best.

Casey: Hang on.

Natalie: What?

Casey: I thought I was the best.

Natalie: Things change.

Isaac: A famous monk once said, "I don't always know what the right thing to do is, my Lord, but I think that the fact that I want to please you, pleases you."

Casey: But you would have preferred a book of famous monk quotations...

Isaac: No, you put some thought into me. What could be a greater gift?

Casey: I look like an idiot.

Isaac: Added bonus.

A Girl Named Pixley [2.09]

Dan: Honesty for Pixley!

Dana: Any new word?

Dan: He's still alive if that's what you're asking.

Dana: Oh, man.

Natalie: Dana!

Dana: Hey, you think there's any chance he was gay?

Natalie: Dana!

Dana: It would make a better story.

Natalie: He's on his death bed.

Dana: I am about to make this man the most famous 7th place archer in the history of sports. I think the very least he can do is die in a timely manner... and be gay.

"The Giants Win the Pennant, The Giants Win the Pennant" [2.10]

Dana: "Momentarily" does not mean "in a moment."

Chris: Here's two dissolving to three.

Dana: It means "for a moment."

Jeremy: Yes.

Dana: That makes me crazy.

Jeremy: We've been wondering what the source was.

Dan: The one that he wanted was you anyway.

Dana: Wanted?

Dan: All this is doing is making him feel a lot less like the man he is, which is why he left Lisa in the first place. I know what he wants, and I gotta say, he's done a pretty good job of going after it, which isn't, like, the most natural thing in the world for Casey to do. And I know what you want, and all I've seen you do is hide behind this psychotic behavior all dressed up as cute. He wanted you, and he told you every possible way he could. You've just been hanging out in the men's room.

The Cut Man Cometh [2.11]

Chuck Kimmel: When it comes to the sweet science I'm not much on predictions, Casey, but I will say this: one of these fighters is gonna win this bout tonight and the other will almost surely not.

Dan: The Cut Man, goin' out on a limb.

Casey: Who knows more than we do about boxing?

Dan: Boxers.

Casey: Besides them.

Dan: Boxing experts.

Casey: Besides them.

Dan: Boxing fans.

Casey: Besides them.

Dan: No one.

Casey: Damn straight!

The Sweet Smell of Air [2.12]

Casey: Please don't tell me it doesn't matter what I do, that I'm his father and that he'll be impressed with me no matter what.

Dan: He's ten, Casey; he's going to be mortified by you no matter what.

Natalie: You're letting him make you crazy.

Dana: I'm not letting him make me crazy, I haven't given him permission or anything. He does it all by himself.

Dana Get Your Gun [2.13]

Dan: You can have my first-born son, just take tomorrow night's show.

Casey: So I'd have to work tomorrow and raise your child?

Casey: This girl named Lillian I just met said I dress like her father.

Dan: You do dress like her father.

Casey: You know Lillian's father?

Dan: I don't have to know Lillian's father.

Casey: You're asking me for a favor and mocking me at the same time?

And The Crowd Goes Wild [2.14]

Dan: You can't see anything right now, can you?

Casey: No.

Dan: You're just typing gibberish.

Casey: Yes.

Dan: Okay.

Casey: I'm a little scared of getting trapped in a fire.

Dan: I understand.

Casey: Would you help me to safety?

Dan: If there wasn't anything else better to do.

Casey: Like what?

Dan: Save myself.

Celebrities [2.15]

Casey: That is why I discourage fraternization in the office.

Dan: You discourage fraternization?

Casey: I do.

Dan: Are you not counting the last year and a half with Dana?

Casey: I am, as a matter of fact, not counting that.

Dan: Do you know how anal you are about your books?

Casey: Uh, I know that Natalie's got your manhood stuffed inside a Prada bag.

The Local Weather [2.16]

Isaac: Does the porn star know you're this much of a dork?

Dana: Guess where I've been.

Jeremy: Church.

Dana:You see? He knew.

Jeremy: I was standing right here.

Draft Day, Part One: It Can't Rain at Indian Wells [2.17]

Casey: You're dating a porn star?

Jeremy: I have met and spent social time with an actress who appears in adult films, yes.

Casey: How you manage to make dating a porn star sound like a day at the public library is beyond me.

Natalie: I broke up with YOU, Mr. "Obviously has a short-term memory loss with a myriad of other problems which I won't even go into but thinks he broke up with me because of the short-term memory loss which is so obvious".

Jeremy: No need to be formal. I've seen you naked. Call me Jeremy.

Draft Day, Part Two: The Fall of Ryan O'Brian [2.18]

Casey: I'm sorry.

Dan: Yeah?

Casey: I'm very sorry.

Dan: I don't think you are.

Casey: I am. In fact, I'm so sorry it's almost hard for me to think of different ways to say "bite me."

Casey: Sounds like you're ready to go for it.

Jeremy: I am. I absolutely am. I mean, if not now, when? If not me, then who?

Casey: Later and somebody else?

April is the Cruelest Month [2.19]

Jeremy: I'll go write the pageant.

Dan: The pageant?

Jeremy: Well, there are sections of the haggadah that, quite frankly, could use a polish.

Dan: You're gonna do a rewrite on the haggadah?

Jeremy: It's not written in stone, Dan.

Dan: Actually, some of it is.

Natalie: You dated a porn star and never slept with her?

Jeremy: Yeah.

Natalie: What a goober.

Quo Vadimus [2.22]

Trager: Anybody who can't make money off Sports Night should get out of the money-making business.

[On air]

Casey: ...with revenge on their minds they welcome the Tigers to the house that Ruth built this evening.

Dan: Excuse me, Casey, but Ruth didn't build the house this evening, did he?

Casey: No, Dan, and thank you very much for correcting my every mistake no matter how small, oh these many years.

Dan: What are friends for?

Casey: Annoying the hell out of you?

Dan: Exactly.

Cast

Robert Guillaume - Isaac Jaffe
Felicity Huffman - Dana Whitaker
Peter Krause - Casey McCall
Josh Charles - Dan Rydell
Sabrina Lloyd - Natalie Hurley
Joshua Malina - Jeremy Goodwin

Quoternity