Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning Quotations

Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning (2005) is a direct-to-DVD and Internet downloadable parody of Star Trek and Babylon 5, part of a series of Finnish Star Wreck parody digital animations and movies. It tells the story of how P-Fleet Captain James B. Pirk, trapped in Earth's past, establishes himself as Emperor, recreates P-Fleet, and accidentally runs across Babel-13, a parallel universe's Earth-run space station, while trying to conquer new worlds. It mocks not only general themes within the two television series, but also recognizable scenes and storylines from specific episodes of the shows (not to mention other films, shows, and current cultural phenomena).

Dialogue

[Russian President Ulyanov looks at the Earth on the viewscreen of the CPP Kickstart.]

Ulyanov: I don't think I'm in Moscow anymore.

[On Babel-13, Garybrandy tells Sherrypie that Lt. Kefir's Star Flurry is missing.]

Garybrandy: In the morning, I sent a patrol out. This is all they found.

[He shows Sherrypie a small crystal.]

Sherrypie: Oh my God.

Garybrandy: What?

Sherrypie: Aliens have crystallized Kefir!

Garybrandy: Jonny, this is a data crystal. From Kefir's flight recorder.

. . .

[Sherrypie and Garybrandy watch the recording of the CPP Kalinka attacking Kefir.]

Sherrypie: The prophecies of the Minibar are coming true. A great darkness will come, and we're all going to die.

Garybrandy: Jonny, you're scaring me. "The One to rule them all and in the darkness bind them", I've read it.

powerplant worker: Fukov! where did you say you worked before coming here?

Fukov: Chernobyl, sir!

powerplant worker: ok! (to another worker) chernobyl...why does that ring a bell? chernobyl...cherno...(suddenly remembering th chernobyl incident) CHERNOBYL! FUKOV!

[As the P-Fleet ships approach, Ivanovitsa interrupts Sherrypie's long talk of keeping the peace.]

Ivanovitsa: Captain, this is hardly the time.

Sherrypie: This is a question of principle. It is my right to make speeches, and I swear that no one will deny me it.

[Preface advertisement each time a B-13 communication begins…]

Baabcom Voice: Baabcom — Cybercool Connections with Pride.

Ivanovitsa: The Backgammon is being overpowered… and we can't last long, either.

Sherrypie: Damn, this doesn't look good. I'm afraid we have only one recourse.

Ivanovitsa: You don't mean…?

Sherrypie: Yes. We have to stall for time. I'm giving a speech!

[On the way to B-13, Kickstart security man Lt. Twinklemagnet turns to a colleague.]

Twinklemagnet: Hey kid, is your insurance in order?

[Ivanovitsa greets Pirk in the landing bay.]

Pirk: Where's Sherrypie?

Ivanovitsa: He couldn't stand defeat. He shot himself in the head… three times.

. . .

[Anticipating a rendezvous with Ivanovitsa, Pirk gives shore leave orders to his crew.]

Pirk: Oh, and nobody disturb me for the next fift— hour!

[In the B-13 C&C, the monitors suddenly flash a warning showing hyperspace arrivals.]

P-Fleet Soldier: Wait a minute! What's that?

B-13 Bridge Officer: Nothing. Just a screen-saver.

[Captain Sherrypie's holographic image appears over a group of lounging P-Fleet soldiers.]

Sherrypie: To all P-Fleet personnel who surrender without resistance, I promise a fair court-martial and a swift execution.

[As the men run, a holographic page is handed to the image of Sherrypie.]

Sherrypie: There is a ship, registration ZEX-514, parked aft of the station in a handicap space. Will the owner move it ASAP.

[With Pirk on B-13, the Kickstart faces the Sherrypie's reinforced fleet.]

Commander Info: Our losses should not exceed 68.4 percent.

Dwarf: [sighs] I guess it's a passable day to die.

Dwarf: I've had it with you, binary brains!

[Dwarf pulls out a small black device and pokes it repeatedly in Commander Info's direction, without effect.]

. . .

Info: Whatever you may think, the VCR remote stop button doesn't harm me.

[Excavator fires its massive main gun, disintegrating a ship and barely missing Kickstart.]

Pirk: Jefferson's jellies! Retreat, fast!

. . .

[As Excavator's power returns, the targeting computer shows a reboot screen.]

AMISbios 6.6 by Hitsaajat technologies inc.
Genuine Wintel XP 512 Pro processor at 21500 GHz
Chrystal Drive A: 1.4TB	Base memory size: 640KB
Chrystal Drive B: 1.4TB	Extended memory size: 6144PB
Display type: BGA	Serial ports(s): 3F8
AMISbios date: 9.11.2100	Paradimensional ports: 3F8
CPU cache: 512 Tb, enabled	Processor clock: 21500GHz

Festerbester: The Corps is Momma and Granny.

[Excavator finally scores a hit on Kickstart.]

Dwarf: Massive damage taken!

Info: One twist drive destroyed!

Dwarf: Lost connections for twinkle banks 3 through 11!

Info: Computer helpdesk went bankrupt!

Dwarf: Halludeck going offline!

Info: Coffee-o-Matic damaged beyond repair!

[A mad Pirk strikes a very Khan-like pose on Kalinka's bridge as he fires at Excavator.]

Pirk: See you in Reykjavik!

Partial cast

Commander Info — Antti Satama
Emperor Pirk — Samuli Torssonen
Commander Dwarf — Timo Vuorensola
Festerbester — Janos Honkonen
President Ulyanov — Kari Väänänen
Lieutenant Twinklemagnet — Timo Pekurinen
Captain Jonny K. Sherrypie — Atte Joutsen
Security Chief Mikhail Garybrandy — Jari Ahola
Commander Susannah Ivanovitsa — Satu Heliö

Quoternity