Steven Wright
Steven Alexander Wright is an Academy Award winning American comedian, writer and actor, known for his bizarre comic style and morose stage persona.
Catchphrase
- [unenthusiastically] Thanks...
- Said at the beginning of every show in response to the audience cheering and clapping
I Have A Pony (1985)
- I recently went to the hardware store, and I bought some used paint... It was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
- I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I... didn't hear it.
- I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world... Maybe you've seen it?
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- When I first read the dictionary I thought it was a long poem about everything.
I Still Have a Pony (2007)
- I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."
- Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies, but I have lots of friends - babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... Gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about... Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with. Just to screw with my subconscious... It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no-one to talk to.
- They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven... They're right.
- In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing...
- Last time I went to the grocery store I caused a lot of commotion 'cause I tried to buy that thing at the register that separates your food from the other guy's food... [feigns distress] "No, I need this! You don't know what its like where I live."