Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Quotations

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is a 2006 film about the #1 NASCAR driver, who stays atop the heap thanks to a pact with his best friend and teammate. But when a French Formula One driver makes his way up the ladder, his talent and devotion are put to the test.

Directed by Adam McKay. Written by Adam McKay and Will Ferrell.

The story of a man who could only count to #1.Taglines

Ricky Bobby

[running around on the track in his underwear, thinking he is on fire] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!

Help me, Oprah Winfrey!

I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you.

Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is just around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than the Jack Hawk 9000? Available at Wal-Mart!

I sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. And if that doesn't work out I'm thinking about getting a gun, and dealin' crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just kinda waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.

Dear Lord Baby Jesus, we'd also like to thank you for my wife’s father Chip. We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. It smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it...

Dear Tiny, Infant, Jesus...

Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...

Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!

Hey, Jamie, losing is never fun, but here's a little something to keep your spirits up... (flips bird) It's real nice...I got it at Target...it was on sale.

[driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!! I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!

The room is startin' to spin real fast...cause of...cause of the gayness.

Mr. Dennit, with all due respect... I had no idea that you had an experimental surgery to have your balls removed.

[Looking under the hood of his race car] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!

Yep, I'm flyin' through the air, this is not good.

[to his father-in-law] The only thing you ever did with your life is make a hot daughter! That's it!

[to Girard] I've got you, Pepe Le Bitch!

[getting ready to bump Girard in a race] Hey, it's me, America!

Slingshot: engage.

Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady part stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use...Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.

I'm not sure what to do with my hands.

You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved.

Mr. Dennit, with all due respect, and remember I'm sayin' it with all due respect, that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin' it on.

Well let me quote the late great Colonel Sanders: he said: "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

From outtakes

98 percent of us will die at some point in our lives.

[advertising for McCreedy Funeral Services] Bodies that look so good, you're gonna wanna talk to it!

From Ricky and Cal's Commercials

[doing a Big Red commercial] My friends used to call me Big Red, but I told them "Stop it!", 'cause there's only one Big Red in town, America's number 1 cinnamon gum. What? What did you say? That's what I thought.

Cal Naughton, Jr.

Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!

I like to think of Jesus as wearin' a tuxedo T-shirt, 'cause it says, like, "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party too." I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.

Now, I've got a message for all the other drivers out there. If you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race, it's not your tailpipe. It's just a little of Shake...and Bake!

Shake it! Before you Bake it!

Hold on a second, Mr. Fancy-Pants Foreigner. You just broke my bro's arm. Now you're 'bout to get tasered. Say hello to Dr. Watts!

Hey, Ricky! We missed you at the wedding! It was really classy. We had a Styx cover band, and a nacho fountain. Check it, it was a nacho fountain, with six kinds of cheese on it!

Abracadabra, holmes.

[to Ricky, in the hospital] There's somethin' I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread, man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff...I was totally nude...it was weird. I mean, you probably didn't hear about it 'cause I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow...that I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.

[to Ricky as he is leaving the pitbox] "Hey man, remember when we used to play with Matchbox cars? Who's retarded now!"

From outtakes

I like to think of Jesus like a muscular trapeze artist.

I like to think of Jesus like a dirty old bum. He's comin' up to me, and I'm 'bout to sock him one, cause, you know, he's a dirty old bum, but then I say, "Wait a minute, there's something... I don't know, special about this guy."

I like to think of Jesus like a shapeshifter, or changeling, like that guy--You ever see that TV show Manimal?

From deleted scenes

We go together like Easter mornin' and Lyme Disease.

We go together like suits of armor and electrical storms.

I'm just sayin' we click, you know? We're like skateboardin' and freeway ramps.

We go together like pigs and swimmin'.

We go together like tuna fish and cigarettes.

We go together like campin' trips and head lice.

We go together like square dancin' and handguns. Right?

Don't make me bring the darkness. [pulls out taser]

We go together like cocaine and waffles.

Jean Girard

Hakuna Matata, bitches!

By the way, Ricky, I watched the Highlander movie. It was shit!

And now, the matador shall dance with the blind shoemaker!

You have spilled my macchiato.

Ah, "Reecky Booby"! Now we shall dance...and yes, it will be a slow jam!

You must decide, "Reecky Booby". Is it foolish pride, or is it greatness for you?

Where are you, "Reecky Booby"? Come face your destroyer!

My husband Gregory and I wish for that which every other couple wish for: to retire to Stockholm and design a currency for dogs and cats to use.

From deleted scenes

My husband Gregory and I wish for that which every other couple wish for: to create a bed and breakfast in a volcano.

From unrated version

My husband Gregory and I wish for that which every other couple wish for: to tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet.

Where are you, "Reecky Booby?" Come face your destroyer! "Come face your destroyer?" Listen to how I sound. I sound like a massive prick!

Reese Bobby

[getting thrown out of Applebee's] I'm a veteran! And a diabetic! Applebee's has rats! I found a whole rat in my Cobb salad!

If you ain't first, you're last!

[Getting thrown out of Ricky's school] You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This is egregious! You hear me? Egregious!

You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.

Hey, close the door and come in. I got weed in here, cowboy.

[after Ricky punches him in the nose] Hey, son? Son! Did this go good?

[to Ricky who is delivering pizza on a bike] Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-lookin' bike, boy!

Whoa! I gotta lay off the peyote.

I told you not to put the damn onions on my steak!

Hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that! That makes no sense at all! "First or last"! I mean, you could be second, third, fourth--hell, you could even be fifth!

We were cell mates together, Andy! You got payback coming!

Walker Bobby

How much you sellin' that weed for, old man?

Daddy, you made that grace your bitch.

I like to think of Jesus like a ninja, fightin' off evil samurai.

Shut up, Chip, or I'll go apeshit on your ass!

I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!

Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

[as Ricky attempts to pass Girard in a race] Send that weird man back to Indonesia!

You're gonna break us like wild horses, ain't you?

Texas Ranger Bobby

I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!

Grandfather, can't we resolve this conflict without anger?

Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!

Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!

Aw, Nana, not my prison shank.

Anarchy! Anarchy! I don't know what that means, but I love it!

[to Ricky and Grandma] One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!

From deleted scenes

You look old, Granny, are you gonna die today?

[eating at Applebee's] It's Applebee-riffic!

Glenn

[about being a pit crew member] Sorry, Lucius, but it's a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend.

Peaches and cream!

It's not always bad to be in last place. Here's some things we can focus on: One, we tried hard. And two, we're still dear friends!

Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword King Arthur used to bring together the knights of the roundtable, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen [whispering] in the biblical sense.

Lucius Washington

[After Ricky has stabbed himself in the leg] Here, we'll use this knife to pry the other one out!

Just remember this, Ricky: you wreck that car, that's $200,000 out of your pocket!

[Removing the knife from Ricky's leg] You gotta cut around the meat...

From outtakes

Sometimes, when it's late at night, I dress up like Donna Summers. I put on the skirt, and the four inch heels...I love it. [singing] Last chance, for romance, for love...

Others

Carley Bobby: [about Walker and Texas Ranger] If we wanted us some wussies, we would have named them 'Dr. Quinn' and 'Medicine Woman', okay?

Carley, Cal, Walker, Texas Ranger: Jenga!

Ricky's Co-Worker: Nice denim shorts, dude!

Announcer at Racetrack: As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is, of course, a statement of fact and in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation.

Bill Weber: We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NASCAR. Coming up next, it's "Ice Dancing To The Hits Of Motown".

Bill Weber: Ricky Bobby wins! You'll never see anything like that in a hundred lifetimes! It was completely illegal and in no way will count, but, man, that was something!

Davey Wesling: Talented. Eccentric. Dominating. These are the words that define Jean Girard. Before each race, Jean Girard spends time with his world-class horses, who are also gay. His days are filled with sun-drenched walks with his beloved husband Gregory. Though Gregory is no stay-at-home spouse: He's a world-class trainer of German Shepherds! Only time will tell if Jean's foray into NASCAR will end up in victory lane.

Hershell: [about the jazz music] I want this music out of my head!

Kyle: [about the jazz music] Sounds like a tape of something dying or something!

Opening title card: America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, bad-ass speed. - Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936.

From deleted scenes

Chip: As Thor said to Loki, "When you roll the dice, you pay the price."

Dialogue

Reese: Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue. Now, the way I figure it, you got about 2 minutes before they show up, and you do five to ten. So, what's it gonna be? Fear...or prison?

Ricky: What the hell are you talkin' about?!

Reese: Real simple, son! Cops are comin'! There's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam underneath the car! Time to be a man! You got hair on your peaches or what?

Cal: Shake and Bake?

Ricky: No. Never again.

Cal: You're right. I was a total dick, man.

Ricky: From now on, [points to Cal] it's Magic Man...[points to himself] and El Diablo.

Cal: What--What's Diablo mean?

Ricky: It’s, like, Spanish for, like, a fighting chicken.

Cal: That's awesome! With the claws?

Ricky: Yeah, with the claws. With the claws and a beak!

Cal: How'd you come up with that, man?

Ricky: Just--sometimes, things click.

Jean: Hello, uh, "Reecky Booby". What happened last week was very regrettable and unfortunate, and...as a gesture, I would like to, um...sign your cast, please.

Ricky: Aw, hell, you know what, get my car off the trailer, guys.

Carley: Baby! That's my baby!

Lucius: Whoa, hold on, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, what are you talking about?

Ricky: Look, I wanna drive, okay? My arm's fine, so, look, get the car off the trailer! Don't look at me, get it off the trailer!

Carley: Go!

Mr. Dennit: Come on, Ricky, even with a healthy arm, you don't have a chance against Jean Girard.

Lucius: Alright, fellas, you heard the man, get the car off the trailer.

[Girard steps over the railing and gets in Ricky's face]

Ricky: What's going on?

Jean: Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of someone who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow."

Ricky: Well, let me just quote the late, great, Colonel Sanders. He said, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

Jean: What has that got to do with this?

Cal: I got a message for all of them, ready? Shake...and Bake!

Ricky: What does that do, does that blow your mind? That just happened!

Jean: What is that, is that a catchphrase or is it, uh, epilepsy?

Cal: [whispering] Shake and Bake!

Jean: What?

Cal: [whispering] Shake and Bake!

Jean: Listen, you better...be careful, because tomorrow you're going to get beaten. Beaten real bad, cowboy!

Ricky: Really?

Jean: Yes! And I want to know--

Ricky: That's news to me!

Jean: I said I want to know--

Jean: Tomorrow you are going to get beaten--

Ricky: I'll rip you a new one!

Jean: There's going to be a croissant that I'm going to take away--

Ricky: I-I play for keeps! I play for keeps!

Jean: I give you one option, Monsieur "Booby". As a sign of humility, if you kiss me on the lips now, I will return to Paris and you will never see me again in NASCAR. I close my--

Ricky: The answer is never! Do you hear me?

Jean: I close my--

Ricky: Never ever!

Jean: Well, yes or no?

Ricky: That's sick!

[Girard rubs his nose against Ricky's]

Cal: [whispers in Girard's ear] Shake and Bake!

Ricky: Yeah!

Jean: What is that? It makes no sense! All this "Shake and Bake", it's nonsense!

Carley: Hey, baby, you're so smooth.

Ricky: Thanks, Carley. Cal, you could say that 10,000 times, and it still wouldn't be enough.

Cal: It fires me up, man.

Ricky: I love it, say it one more time.

Cal: Shake and Bake!

Carley: Woo!

Ricky: Doesn't that feel good?

Cal: Yeah! It rhymes, they're both verbs...it's awesome!

Walker: Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy!

Texas Ranger: I don't even know what that means, but I love it!

Walker: Shut up in here, I'm tryin' to sleep!

Texas Ranger: One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!

Jean: Monsieur "Booby", by defeating me today, you have set me free. And for that, I thank you. [He offers his hand to Ricky]

Ricky: [shoving Girard's hand away] I will never shake your hand. Ever. But I will give you this...[he passionately kisses Girard]

Jean: Sir...you taste...of America.

Ricky: Thank you. [Girard leans in for another kiss] Noooo...once was good. Once was good.

Ricky: [after Reese offers to help him go fast again] Fine. I'll do it. But I ain't callin' you Daddy.

Reese: Well, what are you gonna call me then?

Ricky: [later] All right, Professor Dickweed, what's the plan?

Cal: Hey, when you have the stereo and the T.V. on at the same time, how do you control the volume on the T.V.?

Ricky: Why would you have the stereo and the T.V. on at the same time?

Cal: 'Cause I like to party.

Cal: I like to think of Jesus with, like, big eagle's wings, singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, an angel band, and I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk...

Carly: Hey, Cal, why don't you just shut up?

Cal: Yes, ma'am.

Lucius: Now, Ricky, the doctor told us that we should let you work it out on your own sweet time, but...Ricky, you can walk.

Ricky: What'd you just say?

Cal: He's tellin' you the truth, man. It's all in your head.

Ricky: You sick...sons of bitches! I mean, you walk in that door, on your two legs, all fat and cocky, and lookin' at me in my chair, and you tell me it's all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons! Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented, and star athletes, and they have their legs taken away! I mean, I pray you know that pain and that hurt!

Lucius: DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME, RICKY BOBBY! DON'T YOU PUT THAT ON US! YOU ARE NOT PARALYZED!

Ricky: I am SO paralyzed!

Lucius: NO, NO, NO!

Cal: Don't be rough on him, now.

Lucius: No, he needs to know!

Cal: Okay.

Lucius: He's always cryin!

Cal: Alright, tough love it is, tough love. [to Ricky] Wake up, idiot!

Ricky: [pulls out a knife] You wanna know what I am?! You wanna see what my life is?!

Lucius: Don't do it!

Ricky: You wanna see what's goin' on here?!

Cal: Don't you stick that knife in your leg...

Ricky: [he sticks the knife in his leg] [pause] AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!

Ricky: No one plays jazz here at The Pit Stop!

Jean: So then why is the song on the jukebox?

Bartender: We keep it on there for profiling purposes. We also got the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.

Chip: Ricky, remember: The fieldmouse is fast, but the owl sees at night. [maniacal laughter]

Cal: That's kinda creepy, ain't it?

Dick Berggren: Dick Berggren reporting from Las Vegas victory lane for FOX television. Ricky, obviously a huge win for you today, but it seems as if you either win, or crash the car trying to win.

Ricky: Well, Dick, here's the deal: I'm the best there is, plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. You know, nobody can hang with my stuff. I'm just a--just a big, hairy, American winning machine. If you ain't first, you're last! You know? You know what I mean? That phrase is trademarked and not to be used without the expressed permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.

Mike Joy: Ricky Bobby, who never met a sponsor he wouldn't push, has a huge Fig Newtons sticker on his windshield.

Darrell Waltrip: I think NASCAR'll black-flag him for that.

Mike Joy: He sold the windshield!

Ricky: This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.

Texas Ranger: Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?

Reese Bobby': That's a good call. [he hands Texas Ranger his beer] Here, that's worth a nickel.

Cal: [talking to his crew chief over the radio] Hey, Jarvis?

Jarvis: Yeah, Cal?

Cal: If you slept with your best friend's wife, why would he apologize to you?

Jarvis: Yeah, I don't know, Cal. That's weird.

Cal: That's what I'm sayin'! My head's all tied up...like a pretzel! I got a pretzel in my head!

Jarvis: Cal, you should probably pay attention. I think he's passing you.

Cal: Is Ricky passing me in my subconscious?

Jarvis: No, he's actually passin' you! That's happenin' right now!

Glenn: So, I was talking to Nana on Saturday. Her birthday's coming up, and I don't know what to get her. She's gonna be 88...

Kyle: Get her a coffin.

Ricky: Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable.

Jean: It is a sign of friendship in many countries.

Ricky: Yeah, well, not in ours.

Jean: There is nothing sexual about it. Please don't be worried by the fact that I have an erection right now, it has nothing to do with you.

Ricky: [pulls hand away, disgusted] Hey, come on! Look, here's the deal: I came here to tell you one thing, alright? Tomorrow, I'm comin' for you.

Jean: Do you know why I came to America, "Reecky Booby"?

Ricky: Public schools, health care systems, giant water parks, I mean, the same reason anyone comes to America.

Jean: I came here for you to beat me.

Ricky: What the hell are you talkin' about?

Jean: My husband Gregory and I wish for only that which every other couple wishes for: to retire to Stockholm and design a currency for dogs and cats to use. But before I can do that...

Ricky: That's dumb.

Jean: It's not dumb!

Ricky: That's just dumb.

Jean: Why is it dumb?

Ricky: I don't know.

Jean: But before I can do that, I must be defeated by a driver who's truly better than me.

Ricky: So you're gonna lose to me on purpose?

Jean: No.

Ricky: No?

Jean: NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart, and you will probably lose, but maybe, juuuust maybe, you might challenge me. God needs the Devil. The Beatles needed The Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my...Katie Couric?

Ricky: Wow. [chuckles] I feel like I'm in Highlander.

[they both laugh]

Jean: What is the Highlander?

Ricky: It's a movie.

Jean: Any good?

Ricky: Very good. It won the Academy Award.

Jean: Oh? For what?

Ricky: For best movie ever made. Just want you to know, I came here today to tell you one thing: Come race time tomorrow, I'm comin' for you, all right?

Jean: May God be with you.

Ricky: Yeah.

Jean: Because although today I am friendly...tomorrow...will be WAR!

Ricky: All right...

Susan: [telling Ricky why he should get back into racing] It's because it's what you love to do. It's who you were born to be. And here you sit--thinking! Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer, and that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab ahold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra. And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years! And it is good! And you use it! And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky! You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?!

Ricky: Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.

Susan: Hi, I'm his lady, I'm Susan. I painted the car, I...we had sex.

Reese: You did?

Susan & Ricky: Yeah.

Reese: Well, I wish I coulda been there for that.

Jean: Eh, everybody, this is my 'usband, Gregory.

[everyone in the bar is shocked, and one person drops their beer]

Gregory: [waves] See you at the track!

Cal: Did he just say "husband"?

Herschell: Sweet Lord... Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate.

Ricky: The room's startin' to spin real fast... cause of... cause of the gayness. Cal, I love you.

[Ricky faints]

Cal: Ricky? Ricky! Oh, God!

Ricky: Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, in your golden, fleece diapers, with your curled-up, fat, balled-up little fists pawin' at the air...

Chip: He was a man! He had a beard!

Ricky: I like the baby version the best, do you hear me?! I win the races and I get the money! I work too hard for your bull, Chip.

Texas Ranger: [complaining about doing community service] I gotta tell ya Granny, this blows!

Walker: How much more of this?

Lucy: Well, I don't know. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?

Ricky: Dear Tiny, Infant, Jesus...

Carley: Hey, um, sweetie...Jesus did grow up. You don't always have to call him baby. It's a bit odd and off-puttin' to pray to a baby.

Ricky: Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin' grace. When you say grace, you can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever you want.

Reese: [walks into the classroom] Excuse me, darlin'. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day.

Ricky: Dad!

Reese: Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?

Ricky: Ten years.

Reese: Ten years? Man! I gotta lay off the peyote. [puts a cigarette in his mouth]

Schoolteacher: Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.

Reese: Oh, it's all right, darlin', I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist.

[Children make impressed noises]

Reese: And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, You don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher.

Schoolteacher: Okay, I think that's enough...

Reese: See, the teacher wants you to go slow, but it's the fastest who gets paid and it's the fastest who gets laid.

[Children cheer]

Ricky: I'm really gonna open it up now! Woo! I missed you, Mama Speed! Ricky Bobby's back!

Mr. Dennit: Wait, h--how fast is he going?

Lucius: Uh, 26 miles an hour.

Ricky: What were those things? Were those the other cars?!

Lucius: Listen, if we don't get that car back on the track, our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken. Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast?

Ricky: [raising his hand] I wanna go fast!

Cal: [as Ricky prepares to start his first race] Hey, man! Remember when we got kicked out of biology for playing with Matchbox cars?!

Ricky: Yeah!

Cal: Who's retarded now?!

Ricky: Yeah!

Cal: Hey, what are you doin' after this?

Ricky: After the race?

Cal: Yeah!

Ricky: I don't know, but it feels like we're wastin' a lot of time!

Cal: Aw, I know! I'm just excited! Hey! I love you!

Ricky: What?

Cal: Nothin'! [Ricky and Cal bump fists] Get some! You're my best friend! You're my best friend!

Ricky: I know! I gotta get goin'!

Reese: Look, all I got to my name is a car, and a duffel bag full of underwear and sweet, stinky weed.

Walker: How much you sellin' that weed for, old man?

Susan: How does one get thrown out of an Applebee's?

Ricky: You're about to find out.

Mr. Dennit: Ricky, your little obscene gesture is going to cost you 100 points. Do you know how much that costs us in sponsorship dollars?

Ricky: With all due respect, Mr. Dennit, I had no idea you'd gotten experimental surgery to have your balls removed.

Mr. Dennit: What did you just say to me?

Ricky: What? I said it with all due respect!

Mr. Dennit: Just because you say that doesn't mean you get to say whatever you want to say to me!

Ricky: It sure as hell does!

Mr. Dennit: No, it doesn't--

Ricky: It's in the Geneva Conventions, look it up!

Chip: I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are terrible boys!

Walker: Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!

Texas Ranger: I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!

Cal: Yeah!

Ricky: Yeah! Now turn up the heat!

Cal: Go on and get some, boys!

Ricky: Come on!

Walker: I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!

Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!

Cal: Like a spider monkey! Go on!

Ricky: Chip, you brought this on, man.

Walker: Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!

Chip: What is wrong with you?!

Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!

Texas Ranger: Well, if it isn't our old mangy, transient grandfather.

Reese: Well said, grandson. I'll take that as a compliment.

Texas Ranger: What are you lookin at, Popeye?

Reese: You shut up, you little potlicker, I'll put you in a microwave.

From outtakes

Ricky: Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby.

Cal: And I'm Cal Naughton, Jr.

Ricky: We're here to tell you about snow blindness in cats. It's affecting more and more cats each year, and it scares the livin' shit out of us.

From trailer

Reese: [as Ricky is attacked by a cougar] Ricky, control your heart rate!

Ricky: I can't control my heart rate, I got a cougar on me!

Ricky: You can't have two number ones.

Cal: Yeah...you can't, that makes eleven.

From deleted scenes

Jean: Do you know why I came to America, "Reecky Booby"?

Ricky: To have a chalupa and marvel at the wisdom of George W. Bush, I mean, the same reason anyone comes to America.

From unrated version

Jean: My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver, just like you, except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur "Booby".

Ricky: I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.

Cal: Did you eat some peanut butter or something?

Ricky: Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth

Jean: I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.

Ricky: You say you're French?

Jean: Oui.

Ricky: "We?" No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet.

Jean: Well, what have you given the world apart from, uh, George Bush, Cheerios, and the Thighmaster?

Ricky: Chinese food?

Cal: Chinese food.

Jean: That's from China.

Ricky: Pizza.

Jean: Italy.

Cal: Chimichanga.

Jean: Mexican.

Ricky: Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?

Jean: We invented democracy, existentialism, and the blowjob.

Cal: Those are three pretty good things.

Ricky: Hey.

Cal: Hey, that last one's pretty cool.

Jean: You know, the 69? With the head near the...[jerks head to the right] that bit? We came up with it.

Hershell: We created the missionary position. You're welcome.

Jean: "Reecky Booby", I have come 'ere to defeat you.

Ricky: Oh, well, there's strikes two and three right there!

[Ricky and Cal laugh]

Ricky: Well, welcome to America, amigo!

[Ricky attempts to punch Girard, but Girard slaps Ricky twice and puts him in an arm lock]

Jean: You are fast "Reecky Booby"...but I am faster.

Ricky: You let go of me, you Formula One jazz nutjob!

Jean: Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different. I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say..."I... love... crepes."

Cal: Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.

Ricky: I'm not gonna say it.

Cal: Good.

Ricky: Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?

Jean: I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word.

Ricky: Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini!

[he tries unsuccessfully to get free]

Jean: Whoa! Get down, you little pancake.

Ricky: Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here.

Jean: But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, "I love crepes."

Cal: You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better.

Ricky: Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?

Cal: Yeah.

Jean: Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.

Ricky: Oh, my god, I love those!

Cal: Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it.

Ricky: They come with cheese sometimes?

Jean: Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.

Ricky: Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?

Jean: Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?

Ricky: Oh, I love the crepe suzette.

Jean: With the sugar and lemon juice...

Ricky: Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure.

Jean: Grand Marnier.

Ricky: I wo - I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside!

Jean: They are tasty.

Kyle: Either way this goes down, can we go get some after we're done?

Ricky: Absolutely, we're gonna do it.

Jean: Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?

Kyle: That is a fair compromise.

Herschell: Very fair, actually.

Ricky: No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!

Kyle: That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.

Jean: Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?

Ricky: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?

Cal: [leans down to talk to Ricky in a low voice] Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But...he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.

Ricky: [whispering] What do you think?

Cal: Don't say it.

Ricky: Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!

Jean: As you wish.

[He breaks Ricky's arm]

Ricky: He actually did it!

Kyle: Back off!

Ricky: I didn't say it!

Cal: No, you did not!

Jean: Your injury is one of ignorance and pride! Au revoir!

Ricky: This is Ricky Bobby.

Cal: And I'm Cal Naughton, Jr.

Ricky: Urging you not to go to Tijuana.

Texas Ranger: [after Ricky asks him about his day] Well, the teacher asked me what was the capitol of North Carolina. I said Washington D.C.

Cal: Bingo!

Ricky: Nice.

Texas Ranger: And she said 'No, you're wrong.' I said 'You got a lumpy butt!' She got mad at me and yelled at me, and I pissed in my pants. And I never did change my pee pants all day, I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee pants.

Cal: I wet my bed until I was 19. There's no shame in that.

Lucius: I don't wanna rain on your parade, but that was some of the dumbest driving I have ever seen in my life.

Ricky: Thank you.

Lucius: Now, I know you won the race, but you're not gonna live forever.

Ricky: Oh, I'm not stupid, Lucius. No one lives forever. No one. But with advances in modern science, and my high level of income, I mean, it's not crazy to think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?

Lucius Washington: No, I don't know what that means. I guess longer life.

Ricky: Well, no, he didn't live. I mean, it's just exciting that we're trying things like that.

Ricky: Hey. I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus. I'm delivering pizzas.

Man on bus: MOTHERFUCKER, what makes you think I care? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Ricky: I was just telling 'cause-- Like I said, I lost my license. I've been having a lot of problems lately.

Man on bus: Problems? I don't wanna hear about your damn problems. Everybody got problems! My mama got problems. She just lost her leg. My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle. My dog just threw up somebody's finger. That's a problem!

Ricky: I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.

Ricky: I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment.

Cal: I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.

Carley: Thank you, Cal.

Walker: That's real sweet of you, Cal.

Ricky: Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's about one of the nicest things you ever said.

Cal: Well, I mean it.

Carley: Stop it, gonna make me cry.

Cal: It comes from the heart.

Taglines

The story of a man who could only count to #1.

No One Can Handle The Curves, The Speed, The Heat, Like Ricky Bobby.

You don't have to be quick to be fast.

If you ain't first, you're last!

Cast

Will Ferrell - Ricky Bobby
Gary Cole - Reese Bobby
John C. Reilly - Cal Naughton, Jr.
Sacha Baron Cohen - Jean Girard
Michael Clarke Duncan - Lucius Washington
Jane Lynch - Lucy Bobby
Leslie Bibb - Carley Bobby
Amy Adams - Susan
Houston Tumlin - Walker Bobby
Grayson Russell - Texas Ranger Bobby
Ted Manson - Chip
Jack McBrayer - Glenn
Greg Germann - Mr. Larry Dennit, Jr.

Quoternity