That '70s Show Quotations

That '70s Show is an American television sitcom centered on the lives of a group of teenagers living in the fictional town of Point Place, Wisconsin during the late 1970s.

That '70s Pilot [1.1]

Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?

Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.

Jackie: What did we exchange for him?

Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Eric's Birthday [1.2]

Fez: [seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!

Kelso: Hello Laurie.

Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.

Fez: Who is the goddess?

Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.

Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Red: So, how's your friend Janice?

Laurie: Pregnant.

Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?

Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...

Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!

Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Streaking [1.3]

Red: Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?

Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.

Red: Eric, we're waiting.

Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.

Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

[At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]

Red: Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

Battle of the Sexists [1.4]

Jackie: I'm waiting.

Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.

Eric: Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]

Jackie: Thank you!

Kelso: Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...

[Red walks in]

Kelso: [loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Red: Kelso, Go home.

Eric's Burger Job [1.5]

Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.

Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.

Fez: I speak Dutch.

Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Eric: Fatso Burger.

Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.

Hyde: Prison.

The Keg [1.6]

Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.

Kelso: [quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that’s 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...

Hyde: No way. Sophomore's gonna drink one, maybe.

Kelso: True.

Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.

Kelso: So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that’s 224 bucks.

Hyde: Cash.

Kelso: Which is...

Kelso and Hyde: Decent!

[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]

Sleazy Kid: You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?

Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]

Red: So, a real wiseguy, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!

Sleazy Kid: Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.

Bob: I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.

Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.

That Disco Episode [1.7]

[Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]

Eric: Donna, I hate dancing.

Donna: Why did you go?

Eric: I like you.

Donna: So... you're in like with me?

Hyde: Disco is from hell, okay. And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame-ass part with the accountants.

Drive-In [1.8]

Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.

Hyde: It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!

Eric: Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?

Kelso: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

Jackie: I understand. Everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.

Thanksgiving [1.9]

[Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]

Hyde: Hey Donna, you wanna talk?

Kelso: I guess she didn't take it well.

Red: Take what well? [looks at Kelso]

Kelso: [smiles] Eric made out with Kate.

Red: Anything else?

Fez: Your son is a whore!

[Red berates Eric over kissing Kate]

Red: Donna's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?

Eric: I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Red: [slowly] Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!

Sunday, Bloody Sunday [1.10]

Donna: [to Jackie and Kelso] Finally! Where have you guys been?

Kelso: We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.

Eric: Your shirt's on inside-out.

Kelso: Yeah, that's the stuff.

Hyde: The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.

Eric's Buddy [1.11]

Kelso: I miss Eric.

Jackie: Well, you still have me.

Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.

Jackie: OK, well like what?

Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.

Fez: My God, with a car like that, you must be knee-deep in whores.

The Best Christmas Ever [1.12]

Eric: Ah, come on, Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?

Kitty: So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?

Laurie: Oh, I'm dating several.

Eric: [coughs] Slut!

Kitty: Bless you.

Eric: Thanks, Mom.

Ski Trip [1.13]

[Kelso hitches a ride on a truck.]

Gus: Well, hello there!

Kelso: Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?

Gus: Oh, I’m going... wherever you’re going!

Kelso: Wow, that’s lucky!

Gus: So, did it hurt?

Kelso: What?

Gus: When you fell down from heaven!

Kelso: No, I’m fine!

Fez: I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! [passes out]

Stolen Car [1.14]

Eric: [sitting in a jail cell] We're not all in trouble here. [to Kelso] Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom? Probably one cell over.

Red: Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.

Eric: See, when you say it, it just sounds odd.

That Wrestling Show [1.15]

Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.

[Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]

Red: I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.

Manager: [cuts off Red] No, no autographs.

Red: Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.

Manager: Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.

Rocky Johnson: You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!

Red: Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.

Eric: No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.

Red: Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.

Eric: No, it's not.

Red: Stop kidding around, Red.

The First Date [1.16]

Red: Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.

Eric: Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.

Red: Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.

[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]

Jackie: I can't believe you, Michael.

Kelso: What?

Jackie: You can't just maul me in front of my father!

Kelso: I bet he didn't even notice.

Jackie: He yelled at you to stop it.

Kelso: I thought he was yelling at you.

The Pill [1.17]

Eric: I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.

Donna: I'm really sorry, Eric.

Eric: Yeah, me too.

Jackie: Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.

Eric: Okay then well, good luck with that.

Career Day [1.18]

Donna: So, what do you guys wanna do when you grow up?

Eric: Um, not touch dead people. Ever.

Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?

Prom Night [1.19]

Kelso: Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?

Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?

Kelso: NO, ME!

Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter.

Jackie: Well, I have a date too.

Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?

Jackie: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.

Kelso: Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

A New Hope [1.20]

Fez: I'm so excited about Star Whores.

Hyde: Fez man, it's Star Wars.

Fez: Screw that.

Hyde: Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.

Eric: Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.

Kelso: Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

Bob: [about Eric fighting David] Hit him with a banjo!

Red: A banjo, Bob?

Bob: Yeah.

Red: Where is he gonna get a banjo?

Bob: I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!

Red: Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.

Bob: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

Water Tower [1.21]

Red: Are you on dope? Are you?

Kitty: Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization—

Red: My foot kicking your ass.

Hyde: Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?

Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.

Hyde: I bled. I didn't cry.

Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled and you cried.

Hyde: And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding... You see my point?

Kelso: Yeah, it's funny when friends get hurt.

Hyde: Close enough.

Punk Chick [1.22]

Eric: Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man!

[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]

Red: We don't think that you should go.

Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.

Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.

Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.

Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?

Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.

Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.

Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!

Red: What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?

Grandma's Dead [1.23]

Eric: I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.

Donna: Have you talked to Red about this?

Eric: I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!

[Red receives the gang at his mother's funeral]

Jackie: I'm really sorry your mom died. It's like ... sad and stuff.

Kelso: Hey! [slaps Red on shoulder] Pretty great funeral, huh? [walks away]

Hyde: [shakes Red's hand] Red, I'm sorry about your Mom, man...and I'm sorry Kelso's an idiot.

Fez: Mr Red, always remember...a mother's goodness is carried on forever by her sons. [Marty cries]

Red: Have you met my sister Marty?

Hyde Moves In [1.24]

Red: Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

Red: Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!

Kitty: Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!

The Good Son [1.25]

Donna: So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots.

Donna: Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?

Jackie: Um, cheerleading camp.

Garage Sale [2.1]

[Kitty suggests something for Hyde to do at a garage sale.]

Kitty: Oh Steven, I have a great idea: you can sell lemonade.

Hyde: Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands. Lord knows I hate a hypocrite!

Kitty: You could have a little bake sale.

Hyde: I'd pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.

Kitty: Steven, you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies..

Hyde: I'm not much of — brownies. I could make brownies because [stands] people love brownies!

Eric: No, they don't.

Hyde: Oh, they love my brownies!

Eric: You dance with Mary Jane, you get your toes stepped on. That's right. Consequences, my friend. Yeah, consequences. Now my car's gone and Red's high as a kite.

Red's Last Day [2.2]

Kitty: Ohhh! You're wearing your University of Wisconsin sweatshirt!

Laurie: Yeah. Mother, I went there.

Kitty: No. You flunked out of there. You might as well wear your "University of I Wasted My Father's Money" sweatshirt! Take it off. [Laurie begins to take the sweatshirt but Kitty stops her halfway after seeing her with only a bra underneath]

[Kitty is driving Red, Eric, Hyde, and Fez back home after a long last-day binge. The guys are singing Wylie Hubbard's Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother]

Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off. [switches radio off]

Hyde: [To Red] Hey, I got Amy's phone number.

Red: Good for you, Steven.

Hyde: I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.

Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on! [Gang resumes singing]

The Velvet Rope [2.3]

Kitty: Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.

Eric: That's because I don’t know what it is.

Kitty: Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some…surprises!

Eric: Mom, why aren't you eating it?

Kitty: Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.

Hyde: Is this rabbit?

Kitty: No!

Laurie: Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?

Kitty: Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.

[Red walks in dressed in a suit and tie.]

Red: So: would you hire me?

Laurie: I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world’s best father.

Laurie and the Professor [2.4]

[Donna and Midge are hanging out]

Donna: So ... here we are ... together... again.

Midge: Hmm, I'm just loving the time we spend together Donna. In my new book 'Our Mothers, Our Selves,' it says we're supposed to be friends. We should talk to each other and listen. Your stupid father never listens.

Donna: Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?

Midge: Well I don't know, I've only read the first chapter. Oh, okay, no more talking about your father. So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?

Donna: They're awesome!

Midge: Good! Cause your father's an ass!

[Red and Kitty talk with Professor Stark, who wants to get Laurie in class again]

Red: So, what does she need to do to get back into school?

Professor Stark: Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment..to school. She'll really have to buckle down.

Kitty: Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?

Eric: Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.

Laurie: [thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!

Eric: It was just...it was so surprising.

Hyde: Oh Eric, do tell!

Eric: I saw Laurie....

Stark: I'm in love with your daughter! [Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!

Red: That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]

Halloween [2.5]

Hyde: Wait a minute, Kelso are you telling me you're 18?

Kelso: Yeah. That's why I seem more mature than you guys.

Hyde: You mean you this whole time you could have been buying us beer?!

Fez: (Gasps) You bastard.

Kelso: Well, Eric ruined your life.

Hyde: And if I had a beer, I'd be getting over it right now.

[Flashback to Halloween 1957]

Kitty: Oh, wow. I think you’re maturing!

Red: Well, you know, the truth is, Frank’s getting on my nerves a little bit. I mean, he’s kinda ... he’s kinda — he’s an ass.

Kitty: Yeah.

Red: And he’s dumb. He’s a... [A light shines on him and a chorus sings.] dumbass!

(Person opens door, Fez is dressed as Batman)

Fez: Trick or treat!

(Person gives him an apple)

Fez: An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch?!

(Slams door in Fez's face.)

I Love Cake [2.7]

[After realizing Kelso is dressed up like the Fonz]

Eric: So where was I when Fonzie here moved to town?

Kelso: [takes away Eric's slice of pizza] Aaay, give that backamundo.

Donna: I love you, Eric.

Eric: ...I love... cake...

Sleepover [2.8]

Hyde: So, what do I do here anyway?

Leo: Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere.

Hyde: So where’s Donna, man?

Eric: Donna? Donna? Oh! You mean that girl who spent last night in my bed?

Hyde: Yeah, yeah, that’s the one.

Eric: She went home this morning.

Hyde: So? Ah? Ah? Soooo?

Eric: So let’s just say she went home a very happy woman.

Eric Gets Suspended [2.9]

Bob: Well, I guess the truth hurts.

Red: So does a swift kick in the ass.

Bob: But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!

Red: I gotta disagree Bob!

Hyde: Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.

Kelso: Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?

Donna: Because he's stupid.

Kelso: [terrified] They can do that?

Laurie Moves Out [2.11]

Kelso: [While in the circle] But I was just amusing myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.

Fez: Unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off. It's almost Tuesday, right?

Eric's Stash [2.12]

Red: Okay Eric, I'm sorry I took your money...while I clothe you, and feed you, and put a roof over your head. Soooorry.

Jackie: [announces to the gang] Guess who's joining the Miss Dairy Princess pageant?

Fez: I know. A cow?

Hunting [2.13]

Kelso: I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!

Fez: Well Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.

Eric: Whoa, Fez, shut up.

Red: [overhears remark] What did you say?

Fez: Nothing.

Bob: [grumbles] Foreigners...

[Eric sees a deer.]

Eric: [to Red] Look at him. He's magnificent. He's the king of the forest... just like Bambi's dad... It's beautiful.

Red: [shoots deer] Yeah, and I bet he tastes beautiful, too. [before going down to collect the deer] Oh, and just for the record Eric, I'm the king of the forest.

Afterglow [2.17]

Bob: Hey, there kids, where've you two been?

Donna: God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!

Eric: To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.

Eric: Whoa Kelso, why the sudden change of heart? Oh, maybe because the Apollo rocket of blew up all over the launch pad?

Kitty and Eric's Night Out [2.18]

Donna: Jackie, you are so totally out of form. I can see it in your eyes.

Jackie: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I like Fez? No! [runs off]

[Arriving home after watching Annie Hall]

Eric: Hey, do you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?

Kitty: Oh, I'd love to.

Eric: Very cool. Good night, mom. [kisses Kitty on cheek before going to the kitchen. Red walks in as Kitty starts to cry.]

Red: Oh, what'd he do? I swear I'll kick his ass!

Parents Find Out [2.19]

Red: We all know what you did.

Kitty: No, we don't.

Laurie: [cheering]"I DO!!!"

Eric: Of course you do! You... majored in it!

Kelso's Serenade [2.21]

[Kelso continues to write his song and practice the chords]

Kelso: "I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me. Downright coerced me." [pauses] That's pretty good. [writes lyrics]

Eric Forman: Man, I just asked her (Donna) for a root beer.

Fez: You tried to control her Eric, and the women always controls the men.

Kelso: That's true.

Eric: Donna does not control me!

Fez: Oh Eric, you have so much more to learn, my friend.

Kelso: Yeah, I wish Jackie was in control of me. I love being put on a short leash. [pauses, and strums guitar again] "Put the SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!"

Eric: Uh Kelso, let me see that for a second. [picks up guitar and smashes it on table]

Kelso: [laughs] You know that was kind of funny, that was your guitar. [pauses] BURN!

[at Aunt Pearl's home, Red tries a way to entertain her along with Kitty and Laurie]

Red: Come on Pearl, there's a Bucks game on!

Aunt Pearl: [enthusiastically gets out of rest room and heads to her chair] The Bucks, huh?

Kitty: [comforts Red] Well, now see? This is nice.

Aunt Pearl: The only thing that keeps me alive is watching the Bucks lose! PPPT!

Red: Go Bucks.

Jackie Moves On [2.22]

Kelso: So, did you kiss her? 'Cause I'll kill you if you kissed her.

Fez: No, I didn't want to kiss her. I wanted to hand her a napkin... There was not a moment when she didn't have a face full of food. I was disgusted.

Holy Crap! [2.23]

Pastor Dave: Okay. Lets see your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? [Kitty shows picture] Oh, that's nice. Very lifelike.

Kitty: See He's, um, He's looking down fondly on all of us going to church.

Dave: Steven. [Hyde shows picture of a man with long hair and a beard] Very good. I see, when you think of God, you see Jesus.

Hyde: No man, it's Clapton.

Eric: Oh my God, man. I drew Clapton too.

Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.

[Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]

Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!

Red Fired Up [2.24]

[Red scolds Eric on picking up boxes]

Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm gonna-

Eric: [as he logs the boxes in a clipboard] -kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah yeah yeah...

Cat Fight Club [2.25]

[Red talks to Kelso in the garage over his relationship with Laurie]

Red: What you want to do is fly in under my radar, so that if I don't see you and Laurie together, or even mention her name in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist, got it?

Kelso: Yeah, so if you mean me and Laurie -

Red: Oh no, now, you just mentioned my daughter's name.

Kelso: Ok, so if Kelso and your daughter -

Red: No no, see...that's not gonna work either.

Kelso: This is hard, Red!

Red: Yeah, you're gonna be here 'till you get it right, Kelso!

Kelso: Okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.

Red: [threatening voice] Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! [Kelso begins to cry] Oh, that's another joke. Come on laugh, Kelso!

[After Jackie mauls Laurie]

Hyde: Where zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper.

Moon Over Point Place (1) [2.26]

[Hyde scans pictures of Jackie's yearbook copy when he sees something]

Hyde: Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! [gang rushes to see it.] You're all cheering away and all the time you're getting mooned, yeah!

Eric: Oh, my God, that's a girl butt. There's girl butt in the yearbook. Oh man, I can't tell who it is, I wish we had a magnifying glass.

Kelso: [whips out a magnifying glass] Here you go. [Gang looks back at him.] I was just playing with some bugs.

Jackie: God, I can't believe it, someone's nasty butt is in my picture.

Eric: Oh my God, that's not girl butt...that's Donna's butt! [Kelso, Hyde and Fez look at a surprised Donna, and then at her butt]

[As Hyde is taken into custody over marijuana]

Jackie: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends. Because now I love you!

Hyde: Oh, my God, will you shut up?

Reefer Madness [3.1]

Red: [After finding out about Hyde being on probation] Probation? Well, isn't that just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!

Red: I'm cracking down. And I'm cracking down hard! Starting right now, fun-time is over! [stalks out of the kitchen]

Eric: So where was I for fun-time?

Red Sees Red [3.2]

Eric and Hyde [to Shirley Jones]: Hi, Mom!

Kitty: Mom?

Shirley Jones: That's right, Kitty.

Eric: We’re Partridges now!

Hyde: This is gonna be great! I’m pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey!

Kitty: No! Partridges? You can’t live in a bus! There’s no toilet!

Eric's Panties [3.6]

[At Eric's basement, Laurie comes on to Kelso]

Laurie: Hey Kelso! I had a dream about you last night.

Kelso: Really?

Laurie: Yeah, we were doing stuff, it was all hot and sweaty, and I just kept calling your name over and over...[gasps] TATER NUTS! TATER NUTS! [Hyde and Fez laugh]

Kelso: [looks at Laurie during short pause] Then what?

Donna: [To Shelly] Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done!?

Shelly: Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front. [Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]

Donna: So this is some other girl's panties!?

Kelso: Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna — but dude, you're on fire!

Shelly: You know what Eric, I can't take this. [Walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.

Eric: Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.

Midge: Donna, [gets pink panties] those panties are mine.

Kelso: Eric! Oh, oh....[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!

Donna: [sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?

Fez: [interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!

Midge: Donna, when you've been together for as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, apparently cringing at the thought]

Jackie Bags Hyde [3.8]

Hyde: Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance. And yet you keep thinking that I have an interest in you and you have a chance.

Jackie: Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?

Hyde: Okay, you know what: you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku.

My heart aches with pain.

When I see you I vomit.

Die away from me.

Bob: If there's one thing you learn in the National Guard, it's how to cook!

Hyde's Christmas Rager [3.9]

Eric [staggering from the car]: Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. [imitates Red] I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! [Red walks outside the house] Holy Crap! [throws up on Red's shoes]

Red: Son of a bitch!

[Red just gave Eric a gift]

Eric: Actually, this really smells!

Red: Yeah, those are my shoes from last night. [long pause] Clean 'em, buff 'em, and shine 'em! Ho, ho, ho! ... Dumbass!

Ice Shack [3.10]

Donna: Ooh, it's kinda cold.

Eric: Here, take my jacket.

Donna: I love you.

Eric: God, we are such a... perfect couple.

Jackie: I'm cold, too.

Kelso: Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!

Fez Gets The Girl [3.12]

Fez: I learned how to speak English faster than this.

Kelso: It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.

Dine and Dash [3.13]

[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard]

Jackie: Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.

Kelso: Uh, well...Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?

Jackie: Oh, my God. I'm a thief.

Hyde: I think technically you're an accessory.

Eric: Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...

Jackie: Shut up!

[Eric and Donna are giving the others special brownies for being good sports during the dine and dash, but something happens]

Hyde: Special brownies. Like the special kind of special?

Donna: The best kind of special.

[After Hyde Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies]

Fez: Something's wrong. I don't feel special.

Jackie: Me neither.

Hyde: Yeah, I don't think those were special brownies, man.

Eric: Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?

Donna: Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from a shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax.

Donna's Panties [3.15]

Kitty: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.

[Kitty and Red start leaving]

Red: Kitty, that was bad.

Kitty: I know, keep walking.

[Kitty and Red finally leave]

Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?

Red: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

Romantic Weekend [3.16]

Eric: So, I can go?

Red: You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

Eric's Naughty No-No [3.19]

[After Kitty and her sister, Paula, patch their differences]

Paula Sigurdson: Kitty, would you like a makeover?

Kitty: Oh, I'd love to.

Paula: Okay!

Kitty: [apprehensive] I wouldn't look like a whore, would I?

Canadian Road Trip [3.23]

[Mounties ask what Fez, Leo, Eric, Kelso and Hyde are doing in Canada.]

Hyde: We're part of a dangerous high school strike team called "Strike Force Wisconsin!"

Eric: Beer, beer, beer!

The Promise Ring [3.25]

Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.

[At the Forman house garage, Eric and Donna talk about their relationship, which has taken a bad turn.]

Donna: If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.

Eric: No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.

Donna: Eric come on, we're together now. Isn't that enough?

Eric: NO! I mean [walks away then faces Donna] I mean, DAMN Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!

Donna: [after short pause] Are you breaking up with me?

Eric: Are you giving back that ring?

Donna: Yes.

Eric: Then, yes. [Donna leaves ring on hood.]

It's A Wonderful Life [4.1]

[A little kid punches the Alternate Eric at Donna and Hyde's wedding]

Alternate Eric: Ow!

Alternate Kitty: Oh, oh, Jake, honey, honey. Be nice to your big brother. He's not strong like you.

Eric: Brother? What the hell?

Angel: Your parents finally had the son they always wanted.

Alternate Red: Now, son, what do we call Eric?

Jake: Dumbass!

Alternate Red: There's my boy! [Red and Kitty laugh]

Alternate Eric: [hears real-life version of himself, who just witnessed the alternate Eric and Donna admit their feelings] Oh, wait a minute. You actually had a relationship with Donna?

Eric: Wait, I thought you said he couldn't hear me.

Angel: I'm loose with the rules, so sue me.

Alternate Eric: No, seriously, you had Donna?

Eric: Look, we broke up. You're much better off.

Alternate Eric: Says you! Look at me. I'm 28 years old! I've only had sex with Big Rhonda, and all three times, believe me, she did not look like that! [Points to Big Rhonda, who has a very sexy body]

Eric: Idiot. You're sad you were never with Donna? Well, you got off light, man! I had her and I lost her, and believe me, you don't wanna know how bad that hurts! [storms out of reunion hall]

Eric's Depression [4.2]

[Donna is cleaning up the garden, when she walks to the hedge and runs into Eric]

Eric: Hey.

Donna: 'Hey'? Is that all you have to say to me?

Eric: Well, what do you have to say to me?

Donna: Huh. How about this? 'Hey.'

Eric: I'm not wrong!

Donna: You are wrong, you dill-hole! [walks off]

Eric: Oh, great. That's nice. That's really mature. Double dill-hole! [to himself] Double dill-hole?!

[Red and Eric talk about their breakups over beer]

Red: There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.

Eric: We've got a little Irish in us, don't we, Dad?

Red: Yes, we do.

Eric: It's just... hurts.

Red: Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together. You could stay in bed, watch TV, whatever you need to do.

Eric: Thank you, Dad. Not that it matters, but... Donna didn't dump me. I broke up with her.

Red: Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it better.

Bye-Bye Basement [4.5]

Theo: I'm not a screw-up like my cousin Leo here.

Leo: It's true, man.

Theo: Yeah, one day I was in my apartment and then all the smoke cleared-

Kitty: Well, see, Red. That's nice. He had an epiphany.

Theo: No, I mean I ran out of weed and realized how dirty my apartment was, so I rebuilt it.

Red: Oh, God.

Forgotten Son [4.9]

[Kitty and Donna are looking at Eric's naked baby pics.]

Kitty: Oh look at that baby. Didn't he have the cutest little behind!

Donna: Yeah. So when did he lose it?

Kitty: Right around when he turned ten. It was the strangest thing. Poof, like someone ironed him.

Fez: There is no money, you S.O.B.!

Leo: Oh, man, I guess all this stuff has to go.

Fez: [to the parrot]: That means you, too, Feathered Frank! Good day.

Parrot: But, FEZ!

Fez: I said, good day!

Red and Stacey [4.10]

Fez: I just want her back the way she was the first night I met her. On her knees, chugging beer straight from the keg.

Big Rhonda: But Fez, I threw up twice that night.

Fez Yes. All over my heart.

[Eric invites Stacey to dinner at his house]

Stacey: At your house? Will your dad be there? 'Cause I'll go if he's there.

Eric: Okay...what, do you like, you like my dad? [Stacey looks away and touches her hair] OH MY GOD, YOU LIKE MY DAD!?

Stacey: You know if he's seeing anyone?

Eric: Yeah, my mom! And they bought furniture together, so yeah, I think it's pretty serious.

The Third Wheel [4.11]

Fez: Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!

Kelso: Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!

Jill: Why are you friends with him?

Hyde: I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]

Eric: Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?

Hyde: I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!

[Jackie sees Big Rhonda in the Forman basement]

Jackie: Rhonda? How did you get in?

Big Rhonda: I used my key.

Jackie: Michael, why don't I got a key?

Kelso: Well, it's not because everyone doesn't want you to have one, that's for sure.

An Eric Forman Christmas [4.12]

Kelso: I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?

Eric: Kelso, I dont think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.

Kelso: Really? Well, where do you think God lives?

Leo: It's true, man. [Points upward]

[Kitty and Red are sleeping and wake up upon hearing "We wish you a Merry Christmas"]

Red: What the hell?

Kitty: Its the Russians! [Red looks out the window]

Red: Oh, jeez. [opens window] Bob!

Bob: Hey there! Hi there! Ho ho ho there!

Red: Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap of!

Bob: What would I do that for?! Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus! I know what I want for Christmas!

Red: Bob, are you drunk?!

Bob: I'm not sober!

Jackie Says Cheese [4.13]

[Eric and Red both grab the last waffle]

Eric: Hey...leggo my Eggo.

Red: Hey...leggo my foot up your ass!

[Eric drops the waffle]

Tornado Prom [4.15]

Eric: Whoa, Hyde, you're going to a school dance? You're going to stink-bomb the teachers' lounge, aren't ya? I want in!

Hyde: No, man. Kids' stuff. Ya see, during the dance I'm going to throw a party in Coach Ferguson's office. I'm bringing my best stuff.

Fez: Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Hyde: You bet!

Fez Oh, boy! You got a piñata?

Rhonda: (hugs Fez) Oh, my God, Fez! A tornado? This changes everything. This could be our last night here on Earth!

Fez: Oh, no! I'm going to die a virgin!

Rhonda: Not if I can do something about it!

Fez: You can do what you want. There's a tornado coming!

Class Picture [4.20]

[Donna starts changing her blouse when Kelso suddenly comes in]

Kelso: Oops, sorry!

Donna: [covers self in time] Kelso! Kelso, we just talked about this today!

Kelso: Damn, Donna. If you'd just let me see, I might stop!

Donna: [grunts] Fine. [flashes Kelso]

Kelso: They're beautiful...[collapses]

Eric's Corvette Caper [4.22]

[Red summons Eric over the 'Vette]

Eric: Um, you wanted to see me?

Red: D'you take my car out last night?

Eric: No.

Red: I know you didn't. Guess how I know! I stuck a hair across the ignition.

Eric: A hair acro... You know, someday I'm gonna use that on my son.

Red: Anyway, since I know I can trust you, I'm gonna let you drive it.

Eric: I finally get to drive it? Wow! Okay, uh, where does the key go?

Red: Start her up.

Eric: Okay [starts the car, but the radio blares loud rock. He turns the car off] And I'm grounded.

Red: For a month! Why did you do it?

Eric: To impress this cheerleader.

Red: No kidding? Well, then make it two weeks. So uh, you gonna see her again?

Eric: Well, can I have the car again?

Red: Ohh, she's that girl. I know that girl. Stay away from that girl.

Hyde: [calling out from the kitchen] Hey, Forman, your mom wants to talk to you. She wants to know why you drank all of Red's beer.

Eric: You know what? Let's just call it a month.

Jackie: Michael...

Kelso: [groggy] Jackie? Am I dreaming?

Jackie: Yes, you are.

Kelso: Are we gonna do it?

Jackie: Yes, we are.

Kelso: Cool. Where's Donna?

Jackie: WHAT?!?!? [attacks Kelso]

Love, Wisconsin Style (1) [4.27]

Kitty: [in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.

[Red and Kitty talk to Eric after he turns down Donna's bid for a second chance.]

Red: Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together... and you said No?

Eric: I said No.

Red: You said No!

Kitty: [pause] Dumbass!

Eric: Look, I have my reasons.

Kitty: [agitated] What could it be? What could they possibly be?

Eric: Casey dumps her, and she comes to me? OK, I'm not a rebound!

Red: You're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete, the only thing smart about you is your mouth... and just look at you!

Kitty: Red, he looks fine. He's just so darn stupid.

Going to California [5.1]

[Kitty catches Hyde and Jackie kissing.]

Kitty: Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers!

Hyde: No, it's not what you think. We're not together.

Kitty: Then what has been going on in my kitchen?

Jackie: Eric's in California! [Kitty leaves the kitchen.]

Hyde: Jackie, you just totally burned Foreman. So badass. [They go back to kissing]

I Can't Quit You Babe (a.k.a. Jackie and Hyde Get Busted) [5.2]

[During a circle, where the issue of Eric trying to convince Bob out of enrolling Donna in a Catholic school is discussed]

Eric: It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, "The Seduction Of Eric Forman," starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]

[Eric and Donna walk in on Jackie and Hyde kissing.]

Donna: What the hell!

Jackie: Oh, my God.

Eric: I'm blind!

Jackie: Get off me! [pushes Hyde away]

Hyde: Great outfit.

Jackie: So, yeah. What exactly did you guys see?

Eric: You, him, hands, tongues. It was horrible!

Donna: You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.

Over the Hills and Far Away [5.6]

Kitty: Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.

Kelso: A little?

Kitty: SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."

Fez: I'm hooked.

Kitty: You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]

Eric: Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.

Red: There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.

Eric: Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.

Hot Dog (a.k.a. The Gifts) [5.7]

[Eric just bought a gift for Donna]

Hyde: So, Forman, you finally broke down, huh? What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?

Eric: No, I got her way more than a piece of jewelry. I got her a gift that really says something - a diamond engagement ring.

Kelso: As a joke?

Eric: No, you guys, I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.

Kelso: As a joke?

Black Dog (a.k.a. Ow, My Eye) [5.9]

Eric: (sarcastically) Thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?

Red: What did you say?

Eric: Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie!

Red: That's right.

The Crunge (a.k.a. The S.A.T.s) [5.10]

Eric: Ground me.

Red: What?

Eric: I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.

Red: You got it, pal. You're grounded.

Eric: One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.

Red: Do I have to be nice about it?

Eric: No.

Red: This is the happiest day of my life.

When the Levee Breaks (a.k.a. Eric and Donna Play House) [5.15]

Jackie: See,, I think it’s stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean, it’s simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.

Hyde: I'm liking you more and more.

Eric: Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.

Kelso: Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.

Eric: I really need to use the bathroom.

Fez: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.

Kelso: Yeah.

Fez: No party, no pooper.

Kelso: [chuckles] Nice.

Fez: Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]

The Battle of Evermore (a.k.a. Pioneer Days) [5.17]

Red: So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.

Hyde: That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.

Donna: An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here.

[Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]

[Hyde, Kelso, Fez, and Jackie go into a Circle and talk about Leo, who left Hyde]

Hyde: [laughs] Can’t close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin’ to freak me out. Leo’s the best.

Kelso: Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin’ son of a bitch!

Jackie: You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn’t Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I’ll never forget that.

Fez: I’m just sad I’ll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I’d like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I’ll bet I look like a stallion.

Hyde: So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!

All: To Leo! [raise beer cans to ceiling]

Bring It On Home (a.k.a. Jackie's in the House) [5.19]

Jackie: Look the only reason I'm here is because... I am such a tramp. And I need to go home and control my dirty urges.

Trampled Under Foot (a.k.a. Fez Gets Dumped) [5.21]

Hyde: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don’t want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there’d be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.

Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!

Eric: Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.

Kelso: Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over. And I like my free ride!

Hyde: Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man. [he is showered with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.

[Fez confronts Nina for breaking up with him.]

Fez: Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?

Nina: Fez, right now I'm at a point in my—

Fez: Oh, cut the crap, heart-breaker! I want the truth!

Nina: Hey, the truth is you're too needy.

Fez: Too needy? I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.

Nina: No, your needs are fine. It's your neediness that's the problem.

Fez: Then why didn't you say that?

Nina: I didn't want you to make a scene.

Fez: You didn't want me to make a scene? You didn't want me to make a scene! [dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There's your scene! [to the man with the basket] Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.

Nobody's Fault But Mine (2) (a.k.a. Hyde Loves Jackie) [5.23]

Jackie: Just do me a favor and leave me alone.

Hyde: Whatever. Jackie... I love you.

Jackie: Yeah, well, I don't love you.

The Immigrant Song (a.k.a. Fez Gets Busted) [5.24]

[Fez has been caught by the police while spray-painting the water tower.]

Fez: Um... I am a painter from a foreign country, and this is my gift to America!

Police: Get off the water tower!

Fez: [raises his arms] People of America, I give you "Genitals in the Sky"!

The Kids Are Alright [6.1]

Kitty: Eric, we have to keep your father calm — so no shenanigans.

Eric: Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.

Red: Will you shut up!

Eric: So... cold... Can't... use the force...

Join Together [6.2]

Kelso: That's a burn about a burn, that's a second-degree burn.

I'm Free [6.5]

Jackie: Laverne is so annoying. Why does Shirley put up with her crap?

Kelso: She has to. They're in love.

Donna: Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not lesbians.

Kelso: Trust me, they're one bottle of wine away from making out, just like you two.

Red: And I guess it might be fun to just sit back and watch Tarzan here crumble before the full force of the U.S Government.

Fez: Okay, that’s it. Anwar I can deal with. Tonto, in the ballpark, but Tarzan... Tarzan is a white guy!

Red: Don’t sass me, Tarzan.

We're Not Gonna Take It [6.6]

Fez: Laurie: well, look who the whore dragged in, herself. May I remind you you're married?

Laurie: Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married, too.

[Red and Kitty walk in from the kitchen]

Fez: What is your problem?

Red: Oh, are you two at it again? Your green card is on the way. [to Kitty] I thought this marriage was over.

Kitty: Laurie, I gave you fifty dollars last week to go down to the courthouse and file for divorce. What happened?

Laurie: Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.

Red: Tomorrow we're going to the courthouse. [Red and Kitty walk away.]

Fez: Hmmmm, the courthouse is across town. I wonder if you can make it all the way there without sleeping with someone?

Laurie: I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you. [Laurie walks away.]

Fez: Bitch.

Christmas [6.7]

[Two girls approach Eric]

Random Girl #1: Oh, my God, Eric Forman! I love your shirt.

Eric: Really? I wore this shirt for four years and no one said a thing.

Random Girl #2: I guess now you really fill it out!

Eric: Thanks. I'm, like, up to 17 push-ups a night, so..

Random Girl #2: No, I don't think that's it. I think it's because you're not a high school boy any more.

Random Hirl #1: You're 18 now; you've seen and done it all.

Eric: No, no, I... Well, yes, yes, I have! [Kelso pulls Eric away.]

Kelso: You better watch out, okay? Girls are talking to you. I think there might be a practical joke in the works.

Eric: No, man, I don't think so. I think it's because I graduated. Hyde, am I cool now?

Hyde: Well, you're cool like margarine is butter... close, but there's a little aftertaste.

I'm A Boy [6.8]

Jackie: Hey, maybe a good way to break the ice is for everyone to tell a little about themselves. I'll go first... I like makeup and diets. And Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.

Brooke: Okay, well, I was valedictorian of my class, I run marathons and tutor kids in Latin.

Kelso: Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class, a marathon runner — oh, and some kids in Latin.

Hyde: This is fun.

Brooke: So how do you all know each other?

Jackie: Well, Michael and I dated for, like, three years.

Hyde: Then I stole her from him.

Brooke: Wait — what?

Kelso: Nah, nah, you never could have stole her if I didn't cheat on her first.

Brooke: Okay. Wait a minute.

Kelso: It, uh... that sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her with Eric's sister, and the rest of the girls were when we were on a break because I annoyed her. But none of those were sisters except the two that were sisters.

Hyde: He brought up the sisters. Awesome.

Brooke: Okay, this was a mistake. I think I'm going to go.

Kelso: No, Brooke, wait... I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot... a lot... a lot.

Jackie: That's not helping.

Kelso: Look, just let me start over... We might not be the perfect match, okay, but I really, really like you. I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.

Brooke: Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train or in Paris, not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert. [Brooke gets up and leaves.]

Kelso: Fate. Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really really know what it means.

Sally Simpson [6.12]

[Red and Eric are trying role-playing to help lower Red's stress.]

Red: [imitating Eric] I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything!

Eric: [imitating Red] Well I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Red: [imitating Eric] Star Wars Star Wars, Star Wars!

Eric: [imitating Red] Dead Commies, dead Commies, dead Commies!

Won't Get Fooled Again [6.13]

[Fez is absent from the Circle after Kelso and Fez have a falling out.]

Eric: Still no Fez, huh? He hasn't been away this long since he discovered bubble baths.

[Eric wants Kitty's help after Donna might be pregnant. Donna worries that Eric will be too obvious about who is pregnant.]

Eric: Donna, I think I know how to be subtle.

[Scene change]

Eric: MOMMY, MOMMY, I MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN DONNA PREGNANT!

5:15 [6.21]

Mitch: [after he challenges Eric to a fight] All right! 5:15 at the playground — you be there!

Donna: Why not just do it at 5:00?

Mitch: I have swimming lessons!

Going Mobile [6.24]

Eric: Guys... I have to tell you about this dream I had.

Kelso: No. Eric, I can't hear another one of your lame dreams. "Guys, I dreamt I was purple and I could fly and Luke Skywalker was my lab partner."

Eric: No. It was about Donna. Okay, it was five years in the future.

Hyde: Five years in the future? Did you see Jackie? How's she holdin' up? Do I need to get out now?

Eric: Hyde, in my dream, Donna gave up her life plans to be with me. And she was so miserable, she left me.

Hyde: That's it? I took my feet off the table and turned slightly to the left for that?

Eric: Look, you guys, what if I really am holding Donna back.. and she just doesn't realize it yet? I feel like I could be ruining both of our lives.

Kelso: Eric, relax, okay? It's just a stress dream, 'cause you're gettin' married tomorrow. Now I had a dream last night that's worth telling. Okay, Donna was in a wet t-shirt contest [begins to visualize scene but stops it] No, I can't. Forget it. It's too dirty.

Hyde: So who's gonna be your best man?

Eric: Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys just decide who my best man is?

Hyde: Whoa, you want us to choose? Well, if that's not an invitation to dress a dog up in a tuxedo, I don't know what it is.

Kelso: All right. If anyone should be the best man, it's me. I'm gonna be a father, so I really need the money.

Hyde: You don't get paid to be the best man. You do it for the satisfaction of nailing the hottest bridesmaid. It's in the bible.

Kelso: Well, I can't do that, 'cause I'm bringin' Brooke. Yeah, we're getting pretty serious. Girls, man... you get 'em pregnant, they get all clingy.

[The gang, the Formans and Bob are in the Forman living room after Eric failed to arrive at the wedding rehearsal. Hyde answers a phone call.]

Hyde: Hello... Yeah, we kinda figured... Uh-huh ... Well, do you wanna talk to her? She sittin' right here... Okay [hangs up] Wrong number.

Donna: Hyde, what did he say?

Hyde: He said he's really sorry.

Donna: He's sorry? He left me the day before our wedding, and he's sorry? What.. what does that mean?

Hyde: It means he's not coming. Not tonight, not to the wedding. He's gone.

Kelso: Man, I am glad to be here. I have had a rough day. Being around all this love and happiness oughtta cheer me right up. I mean, this is a happy day. Look at all the love. Wait, hey, where's Eric?

It's Only Rock and Roll [7.5]

[Fez comes in looking extremely distraught.]

Donna: Fez, what happened? I haven't seen you look like this since you found out Candyland isn't a real country!

Mother's Little Helper [7.7]

Eric: [to Red] - I can't believe that I'm saying that, but please make kinky sex with my mother!

Surprise, Surprise [7.10]

Kelso: I have officially nailed everyone in this room's sister!

Eric: Hey, Hyde, remember how you kept bringing it up, when Kelso nailed my sister. I never understood why, but now I get it. It’s fun! So guess what — Kelso nailed your sister! Oh, and another thing... Kelso nailed your sister.

Hyde: Shut up, you little twizzler!

Eric: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister!

On With The Show [7.16]

Red: You are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called "On The Road To In Your Ass."

Oh, Baby (We Got a Good Thing Goin') [7.18]

Kitty: We can't compete with a bunch of cars. Wheels are like bosoms to men... and a car has four.

[Fez takes a bottle out of Kelso's baby bag.]

Kelso: Don't touch that! It's breast milk!

Fez: Breast milk... from real breasts? [looks at Donna's chest] What don't they do?

2000 Light Years From Home [7.22]

[Eric tries to explain a career choice the school suggested for him to Red, Kitty, and Donna]

Eric: There's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college!

Kitty: Where is this program?

Eric: Africa!

Kitty: Africa, Wisconsin?

Til the Next Goodbye [7.25]

[The guys are all sitting down in the Circle]

Eric: Crap, it's almost time for me to go get my shots. Why do I have to get shots anyway? So I get yellow fever. I could use a little color...

Fez: You guys, this will be our last Circle together. We're growing up. I mean, these two have jobs, and Eric is off to start his life, and I'm doing more shaving than ever!

Kelso: Eric, I know you're scared of getting your shots, so I'm gonna be a pal, and get 'em with you. 'Cause I owe you for the time I chucked that dead raccoon at you, and then it turned out to not be dead, and it bit you, then you kicked it back at me, and it bit me, and then we both had to go and get rabies shots.

Hyde: Remember on the way to the hospital? Kelso saw that dog, and he jumped out of the car 'cause he wanted to go pet it. But he forgot the car was moving and he broke his arm. Funniest, bloodiest, most rabies-filled day ever!

Eric: Look at us. Best friends offering to help each other. You know, we always have to remember this moment. [Red stands behind Eric and puts his hands on his hips. Fez, Kelso, and Hyde are all looking at Red with horrified looks on their faces.] What?

Red: [leans over and gets right in Eric's face] Upstairs... NOW!

Eric: I am in huge trouble...[starts laughing]

[Red and Kitty scold Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso after Red discovers the Circle]

Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years! I wish I had 2,000 feet, so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!

Kitty: I'm shocked. The basement door closes, and out come the lighters and the drugs, and I am sure Donna's bouncing around there without a bra! It's like Amsterdam down there!

[Red and Kitty get right into Fez's face]

Kitty: What is going on in your head?

Red: Did someone shove a vaccum up your nose and suck out your last and lonely brain cell?

[Fez pretends to grab Kitty's breast]

Kitty: And here I thought it was my dryer smelling like that?

[Hyde tilts his head in a high stupor and drools at a Twinkie on the cabinet next to Red]

Red: Who taught you how to do this? Huh? Was it those damn Beatles? All you need is love? All you need is a job and a haircut!

[Red scolds Kelso and points to him]

Red: And you! [Kelso imagines Kitty's and Red's heads switching each other's bodies while high] Wipe that stupid, dopey, dope-fiend look on your face!

Bohemian Rhapsody [8.1]

Red: [catching Kitty smoking in the bathroom]): What do you have to say for yourself?

Kitty: I'M STARVING!

Misfire [8.4]

Michael: I can't believe it's our last circle together. Wait... Oh! Now I know why we called it a circle! Thats freaking awesome!

Michael: Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?

Jackie: Oh, Michael, no!

Michael: No?

Jackie: No!

Michael: Jackie, you just made me the happiest man on earth! I cant believe I wanted to marry you! That was my worst idea ever! And I had some really bad ideas. I mean, a Firecracker Suit — come on!

Stone Cold Crazy [8.5]

Fez: First, let me grab your melons.

Jackie: Ooh, aren't they nice and firm?

Fez: Yeah, here grab my banana.

Jackie: Ooh, it's so big.

Don Knotts: Okay, you perverts, stop it right now! Fruit salad again? Why can't they ever be having sex?

Donna: I want to send Eric some sexy photos.

Sam: Sure. I have some in the car. Want me to go get them?

My Fairy King [8.16]

[Jackie reveals other items in her Ideal Guy list.]

Jackie: There are plenty of other things on this list. My perfect guy compliments me, buys me presents and comes when I call... and none of that describes Fez.

Fez: [enters] Did you call me?

Jackie: What? No, I...

Fez: Wow Jackie, you look fantastic today. Ah, which reminds me, I got you a present. [gives gift] Enjoy. Bye, guys! [exits]

Randy: Whoa, that was weird!

[Hyde tries to shoot a basketball to determine whether to stay with Samantha]

Hyde: [to Donna] It's a tough decision, man. I'll let the ball decide. If I make the shot, stay with Sam. If it misses, I say goodbye. [shoots; ball gets jammed into hoop's crevice]

Donna: Huh. God's funny.

That '70s Finale [8.22]

[Red gets season tickets for the Packers.]

Kitty: Red, I don't wanna move. [Red is nonplussed] I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move, you've been so happy and smiling and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer... Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.

Red: [holds Kitty's hand] Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I am with you.

Kitty: Really?

Red: [softly] Of course. [Kitty hugs him from behind.] I love you.

Kitty: Oh, I love you, too.

Red: I was talking to the tickets.

[Donna waits for Eric on the Vista Cruiser, reminiscing about their relationship.]

Eric: Happy New Year.

Donna: Eric!

Eric: Sorry I'm late. Caught the last flight out. So... awkward! [both of them laugh] So, how are you?

Donna: I start college next week.

Eric: Oh, that's awesome. [long pause]

Donna: So, what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?

Eric: Look Donna, when I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, but now I've been gone so long —

Donna: [teary] Eric, things are a lot different now.

Eric: Yeah, it's just... Donna, I thought about you, like, every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass. [pause] Sorry. [Kisses Donna]

Cast

Topher Grace - Eric Forman
Laura Prepon - Donna Pinciotti
Danny Masterson - Steven Hyde
Ashton Kutcher - Michael Kelso
Mila Kunis - Jackie Burkhart
Wilmer Valderrama - Fez
Debra Jo Rupp - Kitty Forman
Kurtwood Smith - Reginald "Red" Forman
Don Stark - Bob Pinciotti
Tanya Roberts - Midge Pinciotti
Lisa Robin Kelly - Laurie Forman
Tommy Chong - Leo

Quoternity