The Colbert Report Quotations

The Colbert Report is an American comedy television program starring political humorist Stephen Colbert, formerly of The Daily Show. The show satirizes personality-driven political pundit programs, particularly Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor. It was created by Colbert, and Jon Stewart and Ben Karlin of The Daily Show.

It's what Lincoln would have watched. taglines.

Season 1 (2005)

Stephen Colbert: Open wide baby bird, 'cause momma's got a big fat night crawler of Truth. Here comes The Colbert Report!

Stephen: But this show is not about me. This program is dedicated to you, the heroes. And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show. Average, hardworking Americans. You're not the elites, you're not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. But you get it. And you come from a long line of it-getters.

Stephen: On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.

Stephen: Now I know some of you may not trust your gut...yet. But with my help you will. The "truthiness" is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news... at you.

Stephen: Thankfully, alert gauchos were able to save the llama before it was swept into the blades of the turbine.

Stephen: I'm looking over your shoulder, but only because I've got your back.

Stephen: Put on the Sade and spritz on some musk! I'm going to truth you all night long! This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen: Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. This is The Colbert Report!

Season 2 (2006)

Stephen: Good news, America! Today you are completely safe and have nothing to fear. It's time for the SafetyUp! No, wait, today's opposite day. ThreatDown!

Stephen: (Talkng about how Magna morphs and the magnetic parts that they feature. Colbert had attached the bear's head to the eagle's body) This allows you to combine our proud symbol of American freedom, with a godless killing machine!! Look at that! Half-bear, half-eagle, it's a beagle! And this is a grizzly, so it's a greagle. Kill it! Kill it! (Panically dismantles the "greagle").

Stephen: I've got 99 problems, but the truth ain't one. This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen: [using the Da Colbert Code] Say I wanted to know who killed President Kennedy: John Fitzgerald Kennedy...F. Scott Fitzgerald...The Great Gatsby...The Great Escape...Escape from New York...The Big Apple...Apples and Oranges...A Clockwork Orange...Stanley Kubrick...directed Barry Lyndon...Lyndon Johnson, oh my God! It was all a plot by Lyndon Johnson to attain the presidency so he could escalate the involvement in the Vietnam War! [whispers] Makes so much sense. Oh, if this code fell into the wrong hands.

Let's try a current mystery. Varying reports on the Hurricane Katrina debacle are pointing fingers in many directions. Who's really to blame for the slow response to the disaster? Let's think about it: Hurricane Katrina...Katrina and the Waves...Waves in the Oceans...Ocean's full of Fish...One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish...Dr. Seuss...The Cat in the Hat...Mike Myers. Oh my God, it's Mike Myers' fault! No wonder he kept quiet when Kanye West started blaming President Bush!

Okay, now let's use this for something important. Everyone wants to know who's gonna win the Oscars. Let's start with Best Supporting Actress: you get support from support groups like AA...AAA...XXX...X the Owl...Henrietta Pussycat...What's New Pussycat...Tom Jones...Star Jones...Star Wars...WarGames...Winter Games...Wintergreen...Winter Garden...beer garden...Weisse Beer...Rachel Weisz will win Best Supporting Actress! Oh, she is so lovely.

Let's move on here. Rachel Weisz was in The Mummy!

Stephen: [to guest Bill O'Reilly] I'm not a Secular Progressive, sir. I'm a deeply religious man who will do anything you say.

Stephen: Now, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Some of my best friends are going to hell.

Stephen: If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Stephen: Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

Stephen: Hey, you know, I love Korea. See? I'm having a… Bulgogi tonight! (Showing a bowl with mixture of several pieces of meat, lettuce and other vegetables) lovely. That is a…… not sure what's in there but I do know that you crack a roll egg over it. (Cracking egg to the bowl) And…… I…am… (holding a chopstick) going to… enjoy that…… a little bit later. (hides the bowl under the desk)

Stephen: It's George Washington's birthday and I cannot tell a lie [the former was false]. This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen: The safest way to avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater is to not change the bathwater.

Stephen: You said, "Anyone who grew up on a farm knows that evolution exists." OK, are you saying a monkey can milk a cow?

Peter Agre: Well, if I can milk a cow I suspect a monkey as smart as I am can milk a cow.

Stephen: Are there monkeys as smart as you?

Agre: I'm sure there are quite a few, quite a few.

Stephen: Oh really? Do they give a Nobel Prize for throwing your own feces?"

Agre: That's the Economics prize, I think.

Stephen: Now, I’ve never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature’s fence sitters. Come on, amphibians. Which is it? Water or land? Pick one, we’re at war.

Stephen: Folks, the President needs a break. He's like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can't suck.

Stephen: I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.

The Wørd: Chicks Dig Accents.

Following the Democratic victory in the 2006 Midterm Elections.

Stephen: The people have spoken - and apparently they're tired of freedom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. I thought this country would last longer than 230 years. That's it, folks, America is over. At this point, we might as well just give it back to the goddamn Indians. Let's see how they'd deal with foreign enemies bent on their destruction. Here's your cake, terrorists! There you go. Enjoy. [tasting the icing] Mmm, tastes like surrender. Jimmy, you might as well get those subtitles going. [Arabic subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen] There you go. Get used to these. And you know what? We should probably throw a burqa over Meg while we're at it. [Meg the intern is shown wearing a burqa] You know what really gets me here, you know what really gets me? Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. "Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!" We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq! And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority! Screw this! I quit!

Stephen: [getting into his car] Take me home, Sam.

The driver turns around. It's Uncle Sam.

Sam: You are home, Stephen. The Colbert Nation is your home - and it needs you now, more than ever.

Stephen: No it doesn't.

Sam: Yes it does! The Democrats have only been in power for a few minutes and already they've already got us stuck in this unwinnable war!

Stephen: [with realization dawning] Yeah, they really screwed the pooch on that one. That Democratic majority has had a free ride for too long! Thanks, Sam! [moves to get out of the car]

Sam: You're welcome.

Stephen: [turning] Oh, by the way, there was no sparkling water in my drink caddy. You forget that again and I will fire your fat ass. You got me, old man?

Sam: Yes.

Stephen: Yes, what?

Sam: Yes, sir.

Season 3 (2007)

Stephen: Reality has become a commodity.

Stephen: I'm attacking America's enemies like a spurned astronaut.

Stephen: We went to Iraq for one reason.

The Wørd: WMDs?

Stephen: No.

The Wørd: 9/11?

Stephen: No.

The Wørd: Someone Tried To Kill The President's Daddy?

Stephen: Kind of.

Stephen: [Hillary Clinton] said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can't believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland--gay icon--stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where's she's greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger. Who are all, for some mysterious reason, great dancers. And along the way, they get so high on poppies they think they're being attacked by flying monkeys. Folks, there's a short walk from "There's no place like home" to "It Takes a Village."

Stephen: I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

Stephen: [Upon learning that Willie Nelson has a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor.] Willie Nelson has a flavor? What's in it, shredded tax forms and hash?

Stephen: Join me next time on Colbert Platinum when I'll be joined by Master Chef Reginald Durham for a luxury cookout with the elite burger "Panda Patties". Mmmm. Yes, you can taste the rarity.

Representative John Yarmuth accepts Stephen's challenge to face him in an impromptu debate.

Stephen: Tonight’s subject: Throwing kittens in a woodchipper. I'm against it, I think it's wrong. John, tear me a new one.

Yarmuth: Well, you know, there are times when you have to find a way to dispose of kittens. And sometimes the only thing that you can do, if you don't have a shovel, if you don't have a garbage can, if there's a woodchipper handy, then you're going to have to use the woodchipper.

Stephen: Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

Stephen: If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well, just have your Pope issue a reponse. Oh, that's right, you don't have a Pope because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one.

Stephen: [In response to Bill O'Reilly's comparison of Daily Kos with the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazi party.] Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum.

Stephen: Now, tragically, folks, we are illuminating more and more of the Dark Side every day. Now that indefinite detention, enhanced interrogation, and domestic spying are acceptable, it is getting harder and harder to find those things that we as Americans theoretically cannot bring ourselves to do.

The Wørd: Vote?

Stephen: Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me "sir".

Stephen: Love is a full-length mirror.

Stephen: I actually do think that Wikipedia is an amazing thing. It is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge, or when I want to create some.

Stephen: You see, the Vice President knew that we cannot win this war if we go by the book.

The Wørd: Or The Constitution.

Stephen: You... you do whatever it takes. You go beyond what's legal. You go past what's acceptable.

The Wørd: You Shoot A Man In The Face.

Stephen: We need to return to the clarity of the good old days. Before there was any difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites.

The Wørd: 632 A.D.

Stephen: Back when there were freedom fries, and our justification for war was three simple letters: W...

The Wørd: L

Stephen: ...M...

The Wørd: I

Stephen: ...D.

The Wørd: E

Stephen: Which brings me to threat number one: gravity. It is not enough--it is not enough that everyone in the mainstream media is against this President. Now even the laws of physics are jumping on the anti-Bush bandwagon? 'Course, I've known about gravity's liberal bias ever since my tenth grade science teacher, Mr. Stamp, dropped a bowling ball and a feather in a vacuum. Bowling ball should definitely have won. There's only one way that feather could keep up: affirmative action. Point is, we've lost gravity to the liberals, folks; but inertia, I hope you're listening! You of all principles of physics should know to stay the course.

Stephen: Every time the President comes up with a new secret tactic to take down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover. Torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our emails, secret prisons, all perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror.

Stephen: When I decided to run for president, I did not do it for the attention. I did it to fulfill a dream, of being the most popular man in the world.

Season 4 (2008)

Using The DaColbert Code to predict the next President

Stephen: The next President will live in the White House...white guy...Guy Smiley...smiley face...horse face...horseshoe...shoe box...Johann Sebastian Bach...Baroque music...Baroque Obama, NO!

Stephen: [on his teleprompter being blank, thanks to the WGA strike] Jim, what the hell is going on? Where are my words?

Jimmy: We have no script, Stephen.

Stephen: Why not?

Jimmy: The writers are on strike.

Stephen: Yeah, I know that, Jim, I'm not a complete idiot. How does that affect me?

Jimmy: We have nothing to put in the prompter.

Stephen: That's not my understanding of how this works, Jim. My understanding is that this little, this little, uh, magic box right here, it reads my thoughts and then it lays them up on the screen right there in little words that I read and--that my audience can hear my--it's a labor saving device, Jim, that's--that's how I understand this works.

Jimmy: Well, no, actually it's what the writers put in.

Stephen: The writers. The guys on the fourth floor with the opium bongs playing Guitar Hero all day. You're telling me that those guys are responsible for what I say? I find that a bit of a stretch, Jim, I'm sorry. Get it fixed, and get it fixed now.

Stephen: [on being shown Abraham Lincoln's hat] Forget about the Secret Service, where was the fashion police?

Stephen: I tell you what: you ever see me wearing a hat like that, shoot me.

Stephen: [on Abraham Lincoln's projected IQ] So it is possible that he actually shot himself in the head, while he was trying to comb his hair with a gun.

Stephen: [In response to Philip Zimbardo's assertion that he "really paid attention in Sunday School"] I teach Sunday School, motherfucker!

Stephen: Hey, alternating current, why don't you just admit you're bi?

Stephen: Now it seems the crooks charge twenty to thirty thousand dollars for a fake Ferrari body attached to an old Pontiac chassis, and here's how you sniff out a fake: take a pocketknife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood just behind the ornament. If it's a real Ferrari... someone will kick your ass.

Stephen: It's no secret, folks. It's all over the news. We are living in some hard times. The economy is in the crapper, bin Laden is still at large, and Steve Gutenberg is on Dancing with the Stars. I wonder what star he's dancing with? Now I think, in fact, there wouldn't be any good news out there if it weren't for... Nazi gold.

Stephen: (4-3-2008) It's not a recession, it's a correction. Correction, it's a recession. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-7-2008) Remember the 80's? Then you're not part of my demographic. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-8-2008) Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-9-2008) There are 8 million stories in the naked city. Most would look better with their clothes on. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-10-2008) At the sound of the tone, the time will be; Tone Time *BOOP* This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-16-2008) Pennsylvania Cheer Leaders: *Give me a T* T *Give me a R* R *Give me a U* U *Give me a T* T *Give me a H* H. What does that Spell? (Audience: TRUTH!) Stephen: I KNEW IT! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-21-2008) If I learned one thing from the Liberty Bell, it's that Crack is Wack. Stay in school kids. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-22-2008)You say Tomato? I say This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-23-2008) Nation, I'm really under the gun. Seriously, I stashed a pistol under my toupee. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-24-2008) The Truth shall set you free! Unless you killed somebody. In which case, tell the cops they were breathing when you left the room. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-29-2008) How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Limo. Limo. Limo. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-30-2008) Duck, Duck, Duck, Truth. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-1-2008) I started my Kentucky Derby party early. I'm full of julep and I got a gun. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-5-2008) Happy Cinco de Mayo. Remember, tomorrow is a great day to buy a used Pinata. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-6-2008) Shouldn't it be "No we don't have any Bananas?" That's been bugging me for 75 years. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-12-2008) The price of stamps rose a penny. Sweet! I just made 20 cents on my pack of forever stamps. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-13-2008) You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out. You put your left foot in and you shake it all about. Who knew restless leg syndrome was so much fun? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-14-2008) Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give him a sub prime fish loan, you're in business buddy. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-15-2008) Good things come to those who wait. _______*Long Pause*_______ This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-27-2008) We're starting summer hours here. Thank You and Good Night. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-28-2008) Tonight's show is brought to you by the number 1 and the letter Meee. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-29-2008) Early to bed and early to rise makes you a loser. Let's party all night long. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-2-2008) I saw "Sex and the City." Spoiler, she picks the Vivien Westwood dress. *mouths OMG* This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-3-2008) Time flies. Especially since I built a clock-a-pult. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-4-2008) Today is the first day of the rest of your life and it's already 11:30. What a waste. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-5-2008) I regret that I have but one life to give. I want more lives. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-9-2008) If you can't beat 'em, report 'em to Homeland Security. They will beat them for you. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-10-2008) I'm Stephen Colbert, the most trusted name in the name of my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-11-2008) The heat wave's over, but I'm still smokin'! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-16-2008) Have I told you, lately, that I love me. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-17-2008) Mark my words. Seriously, Mark, I need my words. Where's my script? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-18-2008) This is the dawning of the age of Colbarious. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-19-2008) Beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder. I've checked. There's nothing in there but veins and goo. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-23-2008) Guests of the Colbert Report stay at the luxurious, Crashing with a friend. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-24-2008) I promise to deliver the truth in the next 30 minutes or it's free. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-25-2008) What do I want? My own show! When do I want it? Now! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-26-2008) I'm about to take two weeks off. You know what that means! Fresh Injuries. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-26-2008) Many states don't allow the sale of fireworks. To me it's not the Fourth of July until I'm rolling on the ground screaming for somebody to put me out.

Stephen: (7-22-2008) I'm a man of few words but I say them over and over and over. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (7-28-2008) Do not store me near an open flame. My contents are under pressure. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (7-29-2008) I always give a 110% so the way I see it, somebody gives me a 10% refund. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (7-30-2008) For every action, I have a superior and opposite reaction. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (7-31-2008) Frère Jacques, frère Jacques, dormez-truth? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-04-2008) America, I wear the pants in this relationship. Most of the time. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-05-2008) The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just make sure to stab with an upward motion. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-06-2008) You know what they say, if it ain't broke, let me at it. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-07-2008) Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because my new sponsor is Salt. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-11-2008) In case of fire, remain in your seats till I'm out of the building. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-13-2008) If life gives you lemons, save the receipt! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-14-2008) And tonight's Colbert Penny Pincher. If you're out of milk, add water to yogurt. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-15-2008) If I had a quarter for every time I said I had a nickel, I'd have five times as much theoretical money. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-26-2008) To the Democrats of the Mile High City, remember, if you drink liquor at that altitude, you might become interesting. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-27-2008) Hey Democrats. I'm getting a little nervous that you haven't invited me to speak at your convention yet. Joke's over guys. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-28-2008) Hey Obama. You wanna impress me with a speech on the 50 yard line of a football field? Give it during the game. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-02-2008) Shave and a haircut. 9 bits. Inflation. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-03-2008) Those Republican speakers dished out a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-04-2008) Warning, I may contain more then a trace amount of nut. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-08-2008) Those Republicans dished up a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-15-2008) By the power vested in me, I now pronounce us, Host and Audience. You may kiss the screen! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-16-2008) Hey TiVo users, watch for a hidden message during commercials when you watch them in their entirety. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-17-2008) Hey liquid paper, your bottle should say you don't work on computer screens. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-18-2008) I know the knife is suppose to go next to the spoon... but where does the gun go? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-23-2008) Hey autumnal equinox, if the nights are getting longer, why is my show still only a half an hour? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-24-2008) This message will self destruct, only if you have one of those new exploding TV's. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-25-2008) Early to bed, early to rise. Makes a man miss my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-29-2008) Nation, I will always make eye contact with you. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-30-2008) They days of atonement are upon us. I apologize for being perfect. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-1-2008) I think. Therefore, you are. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-2-2008) It's snowing on Mars, so the following schools are closed. Microbe Academy, Bleep Blorp Elementary and St. Teresa's blessed crater. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-06-2008) Hey, I Am America: And So Can You! 2009 Desk Calender: how dare you be available in bookstores everywhere? Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-07-2008) The Bad news, the Dow dropped 500 points today. The Good news, I didn't know there were 500 left. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-08-2008) If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? BAM. Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-09-2008) The names in this broadcast have been changed to protect the innocent. This Is the Molber Report!

Stephen: (10-13-2008) Happy Columbus Day if your name is Christopher Columbus. Everybody else, back to work. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-14-08) They weren't booing at Sarah Palin at that Hockey game. The crowd was just getting in the Halloween Spirit. BOOOOOOOOOO. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-15-2008) I will not have 22 minutes for my rebuttal. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-16-2008) This show is 22 minutes. Let's round it up to an hour. That will be $800. This Is Joe, the Plummer Report!

Stephen: (10-20-2008) If your actions speak louder then words, you're not yelling loud enough. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-21-2008) Hey America, you scratch my back, I'll demand you scratch my back more. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-22-2008) I swim against the Tide, with Bleach Alternative. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-23-2008) Hey Pants, why should I have to put you on one leg at a time? I'm not like everybody else. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-28-2008) The following was supposed to contain nudity. Thanks a lot, network. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-29-2008) I don't pay attention to polls. I just count lawn signs. So get ready for President Remax. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-30-2008) Hey kids, if you need a last minute costume idea, you can always go door to door as a McCain campaigner. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-05-2008) I didn't vote! If I wanted to stay in line for hours, I'd be an audience member at my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-06-2008) Hey, did you guys see tonight's episode of The Colbert Report? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-11-2008) What is the sound of one me talking? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-12-2008) Hey TelePrompTer. Stop telling me what to do. Pause, Then Yell. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-13-2008) Hey, single malt scotch. You're 30 years old. When are you gonna settle down and get married? To my stomach. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-17-2008) If your Colbert Report lasts longer than a half an hour, consult your physician. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-18-2008) If you ever forget to watch my show, try this handy mnemonic. Watch. My. Show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-19-2008) Sarah Palin is getting a book deal. Which means, Wasilia is getting a book store. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-20-2008) It's my last show before Thanksgiving so I'm going to pardon my turkey. I'm going to put part of it in my stomach, part of it in some sandwiches. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-01-2008) I'm back from Thanksgiving break. Now you have something to be thankful for. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-02-2008) If you're looking for an inexpensive way to heat your home, may I suggest grease fire. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-03-2008) Portions of this show may have been pre-recorded. I've done so many, it's hard to remember. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-04-2008) Only 21 more "can't afford to shopping days" till Christmas. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-08-2008) I don't wanna let the cat out of the bag. That cat knows what it did and it needs to be punished. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-09-2008) I'm calling for an auto bailout. Because I drove my car into a lake. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-10-2008) Remember the old adage, starve a cold, feed a fever, behead a zombie. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-11-2008) It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere I go. Possibly because I live in Macy's. This Is the Colbert Report!

Season 5 (2009)

Stephen: (01-07-2009) Its the year of the Ox. Good, I was getting sick of eating rat. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-08-2009) The Hills, are alive, with the sound of, Wolves! Run Maria, Run! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-12-2009) Fool me once. Shame on You. Fool me twice. Shame on you again. I am shameless! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-13-2009) A house divided against itself cannot stand, but it's worth squat in this market anyway. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-14-2009) Hey! I don't pay my taxes. Why can't I be Treasury Secretary? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-15-2009) It's my way or the toll way. No free rides. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-19-2009) Just 12 more hours until all those Bush countdown clocks explode. You fools! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-21-2009) [Reciting with hand raised]: I, Stephen Colbert, promise faithfully to-I mean faithfully promise- Oh, fuck it! Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-22-2009) Congratulations to "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" on its 13 Oscar nominations. See, Americans do support torture. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-26-2009) Hey Iceland, you cannot make a Molotov cocktail with yogurt. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-27-2009) America, here's my stimulus package! [Colbert takes off his glasses] Hello ladies. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-28-2009) What do I have to do to get nominated for an Oscar? Make a movie? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-29-2009) Scotch tape, either change your name or get me drunk. I nearly choked last night. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-02-2009) It's Groundhog Day. Gentlemen, start your groundhogs! This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-03-2009) Hey lady liberty, isn't time you settled down and found yourself a man? This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-04-2009) Here's a brain teaser for ya. Your brain's ugly. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-05-2009) Don't put off till tomorrow what your team of personal assistants can do today. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-09-2009) It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-10-2009) Let's agree to disagree with anybody who disagrees with me. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-11-2009) I'll never use steroids to get stronger. I just use them for the 'roid rage. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-23-2009) When life gives you lemons, make scrambled eggs. I make terrible scrambled eggs. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-09-2009) By the way, when does daylight saving time start? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-10-2009) I don't sugar coat the news. I drench it in high fructose syrup. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-11-2009) Hey Dr. Manhattan. Where is your blue glowing medical degree? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-12-2009) Bernie Madoff: Here's some advice. On the first day of jail, find the biggest guy in the yard, and defraud him. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-16-2009) Hey, did you read today's London Financial Times? Then why are you watching this show? This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-17-2009) It's Saint Patrick's Day. So you can kiss my blarney stones. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-18-2009) Hey Barlett's, here's a quotation. Put me in your book or you're a jerk. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-19-2009) Let's play rock paper scissors. Mail in your answers, and let's see who won. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-30-2009) Hey former GM CEO rick Wagner. If you're looking for a job, I need somebody to stand in my parking space. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-31-2009) I thought March was suppose to go out like a lamb. Where's my mint jelly? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-01-2009) Hey, song birds nesting outside my window, you're now 82 months behind rent. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-02-2009) E.R is off the air after 15 seasons. That's what you get with Obama's socialized medicine. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-06-2009) It's April 6th. Only nine more days to hide your assets offshore. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-07-2009) Vermont just legalized gay marriage. Ben, you can finally propose to Jerry. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-08-2009) Put your money where your mouth is. It's a lot safer then a bank. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-14-2009) Hey Navy Seals, why don't you take a crack at Captain Morgan? That guy made me feel like I was captive in a boat for 5 days. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-15-2009) Do not adjust your set, unless you wanna make my face even redder. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-16-2009) I hate to pat myself on the back. So I have my assistant do it. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-20-2009) Spoiler Alert, ugly duckling, you're actually a swan. An ugly one. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-21-2009) For NHL scores and highlights, move to Canada. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-22-2009) I float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. And if that fails, I curl up like an armadillo. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-23-2009) My show is suitable for ages 9 to 99. After that, your Willer Scots problem. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-27-2009) I say potato. End of story. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-28-2009) The Colbert Report is filmed before whatever follows it. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-29-2009) Hey Mom, let me say in advance. Happy belated Mothers Day. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-30-2009) I dunno how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsy pop. But it takes 12,809 to get to the center of an iPhone. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-05-2009) Hey code breakers, heres a hint. Try Harder! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-06-2009) If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why do they hurt when I spray them with windex? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-07-2009) Remember, when you hear the secret word, scream real loud. Tonight's secret word, SSHHHH. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-11-2009) If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, my illegal logging business succeeds. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-12-2009) All proceeds of tonight's show go to a worthy cause. My advertisers. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-13-2009) When in Rome, I find a McDonalds that they speak in English. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-14-2009) Hey, blessings in disguise. What are you hiding? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: Catholics with options are called "Protestants."

Stephen: (05-15-2009) No man is a failure who has friends... unless his friends are failures! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-20-2009) You can more flies with honey then with vinegar. It also makes them taste better. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-21-2009) I'm all that and a bag of celery. I'm trying to slim down for bikini season. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-01-2009) Congratulations to Conan O’brian on his first show tonight, which I believe starts at midnight. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-04-2009) This shows got everything. From Soup, to Nuts. By the way, stay away from the soup, my nuts were in there. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-15-2009) Bathing suit season is right around the corner. For you prudes who still wear them. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-18-2009) To make a long story short, give Joe Biden a sedative. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-19-2009) Summer is in full swing. Hey summer, consider a jock strap. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-24-2009) You snooze. You loose. Unless it's a sleeping contest. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-25-2009) Hey yogurt, if your so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-30-2009) Burny, look on the bright side. When you get out, nobody will suspect a 221 year old man. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-01-2009) Todays Canada Day and I celebrated it the way I always do, by not knowing its Canada Day. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-02-2009) Next week, its reruns. Ill still be here doing my show, but the camera's will be on vacation. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-13-2009) A broken clock is right twice a day. So go out and get yourself 720 clocks. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-14-2009) Tonight's the all star game. Don't let the exciting game fool you. Its still Baseball. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-15-2009) Is this a wand in my pocket or am I just happy to see the new Harry Potter movie? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-16-2009) The Sears tower is now called the Willis Tower. Man, Bruce Willis is loaded. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-21-2009) Its all fun and games, till somebody loses an eye. Then the game becomes "find the eye". This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-22-2009) A mothers work is never done. Which reminds me, "mom, cue the theme music". This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-27-2009) If anyone at Comic-Con found a pair of Dark Brown, pin on Princess Leia buns with the initials S.C., their not mine. But you can send them here. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-29-2009) Todays Colbert Club Kids activity, color in more of my hair! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-30-2009) Frank what are you doing? This Is the Colbert Report!

Unidentified season

Stephen: [on capital punishment] I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.

Stephen: The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun!

Stephen: Where does Congress get off saying that people have a right to Habeas Corpus? It's like they're holding these truths to be self-evident!

Stephen: We can't let the terrorists know that we have Abraham Lincoln frozen underneath the Library of Congress, and we'll unfreeze him as soon as we find a cure for shot in head.

[Audience boos]

Stephen: Too soon?

Stephen: Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

Stephen: Keep those letters coming, folks. An unpaid intern skims each one.

Stephen: I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears--bears are godless killing machines!

Stephen: Bears pounced on one of our nation's biggest corporations like happy Germans on Poland.

In reference to Dan Rather's "Courage" signoff in 1986 and later on his last program in 2005:

Stephen: Until then, America: courage. No, that sounds weak. How about: have some balls.

Stephen: Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

Stephen: Until next time, sleep tight, America, in the knowledge that I'll be sleeping, too. Protecting you from the wolf-headed creature which haunts your dreams.

Stephen: "There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.

Stephen: So you're the Fashion Editor at the Washington Post. Isn't that like being the Dance Critic at the Southern Baptist Convention?

Stephen: [On Condoleezza Rice] Yeah, I agree, she is sexy in sort of an ice-cold preying mantis sort-of-way.

Stephen: Help control the pet population: Teach your dog abstinence.

Stephen: [weeping] We were the Steel Magnolia Ya-Ya Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!

Stephen: Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Stephen: Giving a fly glasses is like giving a bear nunchucks.

Stephen: [On not winning the 2006 Pulitzer Prize[ Come on, that's easy! That's like winning an Oscar for playing a retarded guy. It's a gimme! So from now on, let's just say that Stephen Colbert is not me, he's a character, and he's retarded but he doesn't know it.

Stephen: I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.

Stephen: I talked to Bay Buchanan, founder of the Political Action Committee, to get immigrants out of America. Sounds like a hard job. We should find some immigrants to do that.

Stephen: You know, the World Cup is still going on and I thought that if I ignored it long enough, it would just go away... Like my emotions. (from 2006)

Stephen: Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

Stephen: I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols.

Stephen: Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

Stephen: [On speculation that JK Rowling will kill off Harry Potter in the seventh book.] Wise move. He's a wizard; he should have been stoned a long time ago. Leviticus, read it!"

Stephen: And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it.

Stephen: [On Joe Lieberman.] He's running as an independent Democrat which, if I'm not mistaken, is the political equivalent of a Labradoodle.

Stephen: In order to keep ourselves safe, we must first take the safety off.

Stephen: We have barely recovered from the original Y2K. If you don't remember, seven years ago at the stroke of midnight, planes fell from the sky, the banking system collapsed and power grids caught fire from coast to coast. Or so I assume. I was locked in my underground shelter cleaning my zombie rifle.

Stephen: Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Stephen: Need I remind you that if the Democrats take control of Congress, Democrats will be in control of Congress!

Stephen: America is in the middle of a coast-to-coast heat wave. Good thing for you, I'm America's biggest fan.

Stephen: Both of our wands contain the same piece of phoenix feather.

Stephen: Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.

Stephen: You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

Stephen: I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what are the facts.

Stephen: Changing 'French fries' to 'Freedom fries' was arguably this Republican Congress's greatest accomplishment.

Stephen: Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one... Fox News. That is within a margin of error of plus-or-minus the facts.

Stephen: You're either gay or you fight it.

Stephen: [about Charles Darwin] He got totally hammered, woke up in bed next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all ok.

Stephen: Am I right? [applause] Evidently I'm right.

Taglines

He's a journalist with gravitas, with dignity, with balls.
It's French. Bitch.
America's most described journalist.
Steering the great ship of News through the channels of Truth.
It's what Lincoln would have watched.
Respected... Trustworthy... Smooth.
Good.
There's only one word to describe it: Trustigious.
If this were Venezuela, they'd nationalize him.
No. Free. Rides!
You gave us Neil Young, we give you me.
President Bush, have a hotdog with me.
Multi-grain.
Vote.
Factose Intolerant.
Colmes-free since 2009
Juice it!
Purple-Mounted

Cast

Stephen Colbert - Stephen Colbert
Paul Dinello - Tad
Eric Drysdale - Bobby
David Cross - Russ Lieber

The Colbert Report