The Day Today Quotations

The Day Today was a surreal British parody of television current affairs programmes.

The Headlines tonight...

Read by Chris Morris before the opening titles each week.

Bottomley refreshed after three days on Cross.
Branson's clockwork dog crosses Atlantic floor.
And sacked chimney-sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound.
Exploded cardinal preaches sermon from fish tank.
And where now for man raised by puffins?
Episode 2 (26 January 1994).

Teenage boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly.
Heseltine fading fast.
And headmaster suspended for using big faced child as satellite dish.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

Nato annuled after delegate swallows treaty.
"I'm so sorry" yells exploding cleaner.
And bearded cleric in oily chin insertion.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Euro MPs new headsets play the sound of screaming women.
Bryan Ferry bathmat poisonous say lab.
And bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Fist headed man destroys church.
Car drives past window in town.
And Leicester man wins right to eat sister.
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

Chris Morris

Chris is the host and the newsreader.

Chris: On the Day Today tonight: David Owen emerges shattered from Oliver Reed.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Chris Morris: Hello you.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Chris Morris: I hate Sebastian Coe!
Episode 1 (19 January 1994), Jam festival interview with Janet Breen.

Chris Morris: And since we've recorded that report, everybody featured in it has lost their hair.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Chris Morris: The American actor Marlon Brando has been sold today in an auction at Sotheby's. Brando, who starred in films like Apocalypse Now and Superman, was part of a collection of international works of art which attracted interest from all over the world. He was sold in the large wooden chair he has occupied for the last three years to the Vatican, at just under the expected price of two and a quarter million dollars. It's believed he will be installed in St Peter's later next month.
Episode 2 (26 January 1994).

Chris Morris: Coming up: Bosnian old woman.
Episode 2 (26 January 1994).

Chris Morris: Today is the anniversary of 1944.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Chris Morris: It's been revealed that the junior treasury minister Michael Portillo carries a sawn-off shotgun to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks, and has frequent sexual intercourse with stray animals, claiming "As long as it's got a backbone, I'll do it". That story we reported last week, and have since discovered it to be untrue.
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

Chris Morris: The Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi has plunged southern Europe into crisis by kidnapping Crete and towing it to a secret location off the Libyan coast.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Chris Morris: Coming up: Clinton welcomed home after machine-gunning 400 buffalo.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Chris Morris: And Portillo's wife defends crack habit. [shot of old man saying 'It's cheap, very cheap.']
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Chris Morris: We're pushed for time, can you sum it up in a word?
Spartacus Mills: No.
Chris: A sound?
Spartacus: Woouueerrrr.
Chris: Spartacus, thank you.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

Chris Morris: Sinn Fein have so far denied they are backing the campaign. Earlier today I spoke to their deputy leader, Rory O'Connor, who under broadcasting restrictions must inhale helium to subtract credibility from his statements.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Chris Morris: Since we conducted that interview, all sides in the conflict have had a meeting and have sorted everything out.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Chris Morris: As City markets crashed and flew off, the government tried to stabilise the economy with an emergency currency based on the Queen's eggs, several thousand of which were removed from her ovaries in 1953 and held in reserve.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Chris Morris: Spiders will never speak, insists ambassador.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Chris Morris: Still to come: Controversy over new Treasury appointment.
Man on doorstep: I'm sick to death of this. "Treasury, treasury, treasury". It's all I ever hear. I'm sick of it, I've had enough. Just all of you f--- off!
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Speak Your Brains

This features a series of interviews with real members of the public on the street, with Chris Morris asking them various bizarre questions.

Chris Morris: Lets see if we can nail this down. In terms of this elastic band here. Would you like to see the law tightened up to this tightness, tightness number one...
(Twangs an elastic band) >Bwing<
Chris: Tightness number two.
>Bwing<
Chris: Or tightness number three?
>Bwing<
Man: I think tightness number three.
Chris: Tightness number three, like this?
>Bwing<
Man: I think we've really got to hammer these guys.
Chris: So that tightness being an average Post Office band extended over about eight inches.
Man: Yeah I think so.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994)

Old Man: (reads card) This is my complaint, right? TV is the most un-kinking, un-happening, un-sussed piece o' sheet in the hood right now.
Chris Morris: Look at the lens please.
Old Man: Oh sorry. You gotta get it. Totally dis-counture. More in the area. See, I'm talking more ragga, more boogle, more death mental...
Chris Morris: Death metal.
Old Man: Death metal and Belgian house. You hear me? Let's get TV banging... mud the far cuss.
Chris: And look at the camera again and nod your head as you say that.
Old Man: Mud the far cuss.
Chris: And say that last bit again once more into the camera.
Old Man: Mud the far Cuss.
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

Sports commentary from Alan Partridge

Alan Partridge: You join me now in the helicopter as we look down on these cyclists who look like cattle in a mad way—but cattle on bikes.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994), commenting on the Tour de France.

Alan Partridge: Sven Goonsson, closely followed by his great friend and teammate Klaus Bin... and the man with the bikes on his car is... yes he's disqualified, as I said. And er, Klaus Bin wins there, riding non-handed. No need for that.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994), commenting on the Tour de France.

Alan Partridge: Greg Louganis... Down, Double back twister, bangs his head and in. Textbook. Lovely.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994), commenting on the incident at the 1988 Olympic Games involving Greg Louganis.

Alan Partridge: Thank goodness, actually, they're wearing gloves, because I've witnessed bare-knuckle boxing in a barn in Somerset about three years ago. And it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion. And I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading. And two men fighting as I saw in that barn that night, naked as the day they were born, and fighting the way God intended. Wrestling at points, I don't know if you've seen Women In Love. There's a marvellous scene by the fire. It kind of resembled that.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Alan Partridge: Two to look out for, number one there - Zeinab Badawi's Twenty Hotels, and number three, Two Headed Sex Beast.
Episode 2 (26 January 1994), tipping two racehorses.

Alan Partridge: There's something on the ground there. I hope it isn't a dead horse. I actually hope it isn't a dead horse. That would be a disaster... and it wouldn't fit in the back of that Volvo 340.

Episode 2 (26th January 1994), looking at what we assume is a dead horse.

Alan Partridge: Twat! That was liquid football!
Episode 4 (9 February 1994), commenting on a surprising goal in football.

Alan Partridge: SHIT! Did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine!
Episode 4 (9 February 1994), commenting on a surprising goal in football.

Alan Partridge: Eat my goal! The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994), commenting on a surprising goal in football.

Alan Partridge: (in a locker-room) The atmosphere here hangs heavy, like a big smell. The smell of men together. The smell of cats' musk. Bob Mariner, you missed the penalty. Why?
Bob Mariner: Yeah, Alan, it was a bad one. It took the top of me boot, it was all over in an instant.
Alan: You looked really stupid.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

Weather

Sylvester Stewart: A strong and highly long lasting day tomorrow, with hail aimed vertically downward from above, and there'll be a thirty percent chance.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994)

Sylvester Stewart: Devon and Cornwall should have some fairly heavy and prolonged showers, a bit like jagged metal piercing old flesh.
Episode 2 (26 January 1994)

Sylvester Stewart: Starting in the southeast where it should be dull and drizzly in the morning, a bit like waking up next to a corpse.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994)

Sylvester Stewart: Let's revolve the weather collar now 70 degrees to the Midlands, where I was first bereaved. And there'll be a large cack of heavy cloud covering the area, but it should stay dry enough for you to dance outside until our lord Beelzebub calls upon us.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994)

Sylvester Stewart: Now, if we revolve the throat circle back to the West Country, and you can see there'll be several gits of bad weather across most of the sky. Some rain, but no more severe than soft porn.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994)

Business Report

Collaterlie Sisters: And it was a rather cow-ey night for the pound: It stood at three point seven nine against the German Bordello, that's up five against the Portuguese Starling and down a hundred against the Bitch.
Episode 2 (26 January 1994).

Collaterlie Sisters: From tomorrow the new Bank of England five pound note comes into circulation. The notes, which feature the head of Iggy Pop, can only be used once.
Episode 2 (26 January 1994).

Collaterlie Sisters: There was better news for Edgenedgewedgebarge, who mustered two point four one, up eighty eight very slightly. But Oxy-Mcgee flew back a ninth, despite a creeping bid from Connected Breath Dumps, at four.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Collaterlie Sisters: On now to the money markets and a quick look at the International Finance Arse. As you can see the US and Japanese cheeks started off with a gap of 2.4 but increased trading forced the two together to form a unified arse at around lunch time, which held for the rest of the day.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Collaterlie Sisters: In summary then oh no. Chris.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Enviromation

Rosie May: Scientists in Alaska have found a gap between the horizon and the Earth. The gap, which is nine miles across, is believed to have been caused by recent storms which tore the horizon from its moorings. A team of civil engineers have set off to lash the horizon down with steel.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Rosie May: The echo from the nuclear bomb that destroyed Hiroshima is set to devastate the city again. Half of the original blast has ricocheted off Jupiter, and will strike Japan in 2041. It's not yet known if the city will be evacuated.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Rosie May: An international ban on the hunting of waves has finally been introduced. Waves have been used for centuries to pull cars in small countries, but are now facing extinction.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Rosie May: My milk is green, come drink me.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Rosie May: Tread not on the forest leaves, for you tread on my face.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot

M. Liverot is a French-accented philosopher/poet who interjects at various times with 'meaningful' commentary.

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: If we could see politics what would it look like? A cube... but with all its corners on the inside.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: If democracy is a bra, then the monarchy are breasts. And we cannot imagine a society without breasts. Hélas.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: An optimist sees half a pint of milk. He says 'It is half full'. A pessimist sees half a pint of milk. He says "It is half empty". I see half a pint of milk, I say 'It is sour'.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: An old man stands naked in front of a mirror, eating soup. He is a fool.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: When I drive my car, I am not driving. I am participating in a conspiracy called 'traffic'. I will walk...
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: What is a 'gay'?
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: A Man Sees God In His car. He Crashes.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Attitudes night trailer

Voiceover: The evening begins with a chance to savour again Great Britain's last televised hanging.
Corin Piper: (fifties presenter in B/W) ...he's using a nylon hemp mix rope tonight for the first time ever. That what he wanted. That's what he's got. It's to guarantee extra strength.
Voiceover: The sixties saw television breaking taboos again and again, with Frampton Row, the first popular weekly serial to use swear words.
fuzzy B/W telerecorded clip, like early 'Coronation Street'.
Yorkshire Accented Woman: I'm not made of money 'specially not since Eddie Copsey and 'is bloomin' lids.
Newspaper seller: Oh-aye.
Woman: Go on then I'll 'ave the Express. (hands over money) There you are yer big hairy cock.
Seller: Ta.
Woman: Ta-ra Stan. (walks off)
Seller: (calls) Ta-ra yer shitter.
Cut to studio B/W videotape. The presenter is sitting with a Twiggy-esque girl leaning over his groin moving up and down.
Sixties presenter: These days it's very fashionable among young people to do what I'm doing now. I'm being fellated by a young girl known as a groupie. It's an interesting feeling, and certainly quite relaxing.
(Fade out... and back in)
Presenter: Well, it's half an hour later. My initial reaction was one of intense joy, but that's now been replaced by a feeling of indequacy and gloom. It's not an experience I can see catching on. But neither is it one which I regret.
Attitudes Night, Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Corin Piper: I must say, it's looking in excellent condition. And yes, yes... the lights have gone out... it's a good clean drop! There's the hanging. Well done, well done. They'll be pleased with that. And to play us out we have Johnny Stoppard. Johnny, what are you going to play for us tonight?
Organist: "Fancy Lady"
Corin Piper: "Fancy Lady"? Well fancy that. This is Corin Piper bidding you goodnight. Goodnight!
Attitudes Night, Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Rok TV

Harfynn Teuport: The work of he's a singer Bob Dylan is to be reappraised following the discovery of a film which shows several of his songs including the classic Subterranean Homesick Blues being sung as long ago as 1947 by the singer/songwriter George Formby.
Footage
Harfynn Teuport: Dylan, who is in hospital after eating a rotten wolf, has so far been unavailable for comment.
Ian Curtis (a skeleton swinging on a rope): Hello, Ian Curtis here, I watch Rok TV every day!
Harfynn Teuport: That's the news where it's gone, time now for Suki Bapswent with her special brand of things.
Sukie Bapswent: What-ho, I'm Sukie Bapswent!
Harfynn Teuport: Mm!
Sukie Bapswent: Uh-oh, now go 'wow' for the latest sounds from Nirvana! They've been commissioned to do the music behind the new PantySmile sanitary products campaign. Okay boys, hit me with those ultra-pads!
Kurt Cobain:
Once a month / You'll become a slave
To a tidal wave / Yeah
Body's little clock / Could mess up your frock
But Panty Smile's a lovely thing
It absorbs every thing

Chorus
You can wear them / In the high street
Body contours / Very discreet
And the comfort / You won't be-lieve
'Cause the topsheet / Is a dryweave

Yeah. Panty / Yeah / Smile
Panty / Yeah / Smile
Panty / Yeah / Smile
Panty / Yeah / Smile
Voiceover: Panty Smile. A Comfy Pal who says Never Mind.
Episode 2 (26 January 1994)

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

Peter is a timid and inept economics correspondent who appears on the big screen reporting from around the world. He always ends up being insulted by Chris, albeit justifiably.

Chris Morris: It's just been announced there's to be an special inquiry into the government's handling of the Frome shipping deal, that flew to pieces last month, over allegations of gross ministerial misconduct. Our economics correspondent Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is with the minister for ships Michael Crane, he's just prised him out of an emergency meeting.
Peter: I'm with the minister for ships Michael Crane MP ...
Chris (in voiceover drowning out Peter): That's right Peter everything I've just said comes spewing straight back out of your stupid slab of a face.
Peter: ...Mr Crane, choppy waters for the Government?
Minister: Not at all Peter. This procedure was entirely proper, and I think the enquiry will prove that the government's handling of this matter was entirely proper.
Peter: So the government's ship, back on course?
Minister: Absolutely.
Peter: Back to you, Chris.
Chris: Peter, what the hell was that? This man's made a big scale cock-up here. You let him get away with it! Now let me speak to him. Put your ear-piece next to his head and stand still. Now minister, there's reason to believe that you lied to the House. How do you answer that?
Minister: Well this is a very serious and unfounded allegation, and I will be making a statement to the House based on the preliminary inquiry next week.
Chris: A week is a long time in politics.
Peter: Rab Butler...
Chris: Shut up Peter. Now minister, did you or did you not lie to the House?
Minister: I will be making a full statement to the House next week.
Chris: it's a simple question, yes or no. Did you or did you not lie?
Minister: I, erm...
Peter: As the minister for ships sprawls on a pin, it's back to you Chris!
Chris: No it isn't Peter! He's about to answer the question! He's about to admit to lying to the House, you've let him get away again. Where's he gone?
Peter: Over there...
Chris: Well get him back!
Peter: He's in a cab.
Chris: Peter, you've lost the news! What are you going to say?
Peter: Sorry?
Chris: Look like you mean it! Look down at the floor and say 'sorry'.
Peter: I'm sorry.
Chris: Peter, next time you cross the road don't bother looking.
Peter: Sorry!
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Peter: Chris, it's a mass redundancy measure. It's the biggest layoff in American industrial history. Thirty-five thousand jobs in one fell swoop, gone!
Chris Morris: Thirty-five thousand?
Peter: Yes.
Chris: Peter, there's only twenty-five thousand people at the plant.
Peter: That's right Chris, mass redundancy on an unprecedented scale.
Chris: Would you mind telling me how the plant can function on minus ten-thousand workers?
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

Chris: Peter, you're lying in a news grave. Do you know what's written on your headstone?
Peter: 'News'.
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

The Outbreak of War

Chris Morris:I'm joined now by Martin Craste, the British minister with special responsibility for the Commonwealth and Gavin Hawtrey, the Australian foreign secretary in Canberra. Gentlemen, this is pretty historic stuff. Well done. So a future of unbridled harmony then, Australia?
Gavin Hawtrey:Yes I think Martin Craste and I can be pretty satisfied, it's a good day.
Chris Morris:And if, as in the past, Australia exceed their agreement what will you do about it?
Martin Craste:This is a very satisfactory treaty which I'm sure will work well, naturally if the limits were exceeded then this would be met with a very firm line but I can't see that happening.
Chris Morris:Mr. Hawtrey he's knocking a firm line in your direction. What are you going to do about that?
Gavin Hawtrey:Well in that case we'd just reimpose sanctions as we did last year...
Chris Morris:Sanctions? Hang on a second they've only just swallowed their sanctions and now they're burping them back up in your face!
Martin Craste:I think sanctions is rather premature talk, certainly if sanctions were imposed we should have to retaliate with appropriate measures, but I can't...
Chris Morris:I think 'appropriate measures' is a euphemism, Mr. Hawtrey. You know what it means. What are you going to do about that?
Gavin Hawtrey:Well I'll just have to go back to Cabinet.
Chris Morris:And ask them about what?
Gavin Hawtrey:Well I don't know, maybe it's a matter for the military or...
Chris Morris:The military?
Martin Craste:I think military measures is totally inappropriate reaction and I think this is way, way over the top.
Chris Morris:It sounds like you're being inappropriate, are you?
Gavin Hawtrey:Of course I'm not being inappropriate! Martin Craste knows that full well.
Martin Craste:This is the sort of misunderstanding that I thought we'd laid to rest during our negotiating.
Chris Morris:Misunderstanding it certainly is. It's certainly not a treaty, is it. You're both at each others' throats, you're backing yourselves up with arms, what are you going to do about it? Mr. Hawtrey, let me give you a hint. BANG!
Gavin Hawtrey:What are you asking me to say?
Chris Morris:You know damn well what I'm asking you to say! You're putting yourself in a situation of armed conflict! What are you plunging yourself into?
Gavin Hawtrey:You'd like me to say it?
Chris Morris:I want you to say it, yes.
Gavin Hawtrey:You want the word?
Chris Morris:The word!
Gavin Hawtrey:I will not flinch...
Chris Morris:You will not flinch from?
Gavin Hawtrey:War.
Chris Morris:War. Gentlemen, I'll put you on hold. If fighting did break out it would probably occur in Eastmanstown in the upper cataracts on the Australio-Hong Kong border. Our reporter Dônnnald Bethl'hem is there now. Donald - what's the atmosphere like?
Dônnnald Bethl'hem: Tension here is very high, Chris. The stretched twig of peace is at melting point. People here are literally bursting with war. This is very much a country that's going to blow up in its face.
Chris Morris: Well gentlemen, it seems that we have little option now but to declare war immediately.
Martin Craste: Well, this is quite impossible. I couldn't take such a decision without referring to my superior Chris Patten, he's in Hong Kong.
Chris Morris: Good! Because he's on the line now via satellite. Mr. Patten, what do you think of the idea of a war now?
Chris Patten: (uninterprable nodding).
Chris Morris: I'll take that as a yes!
Martin Craste:Very well, it's war.
Gavin Hawtrey:War it is.
Dônnnald Bethl'hem:That's it, Chris. It's war! War has broken out! This is a war!
Chris Morris:That's it. Yes. It's war!
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

It's War!

A spot-on parody of how TV news reacts to a war.

Chris Morris: From now on, The Day Today will be providing the most immediate coverage of any war ever fought. On the front line and in your face, Donnaldd Bethl'hem.
Presenter Infront of TV: Standing by, Douglas Hurd.
Chris: The Day Today smart bombs have nose-mounted cameras. This is smart bomb Steven, and that is Susanna Gekkaloys.
Susanna Gekkaloys: I'll be reporting from inside the fight [runs out of studio].
Chris: Like some crazy Trojan! And keeping an eye on everything that's going on out there, at The Day Today News Pipe, Douglas Trox!
(cut to a presenter holding the end of a flexible plastic pipe coming out of the wall).
Douglas: Chris!
Chris: But first the weather with Sylvester Stewart.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Presenter at TV: Well Chris, as you can see there's the missile, cruising at around two thousand per second trying to locate the target soldier it's aimed at... [The TV image from the cruise missile shows a startled soldier] There's the soldier. It goes in through the mouth. Down through the oesophagus. Into the stomach and there's the explosion.
Chris: Absolutely bang! That's The Day Today bringing you another tear on the face of the World's mother!
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Gaydesk

Chris Morris: Gaydesk now with Colin Poppshed.
Colin Poppshed: Thanks Chris. Quick roundup of today's gayness, starting with the roads: The M70, the A3, the B664 and the A48M. They are all gay as of midnight tonight. The gay elements are Potassium. Zinc. Hydrogen. Copper. And Argon. A quick look at the World's walls: The Wailing Wall is gay. Hadrian's Wall is very gay. The Great Wall Of China, that's not gay. And the Old London Wall has also stopped being gay. Gay cars next, they're the same as last night: all Volkswagens registered between 1982 and 1985, they stay gay for another fortnight. And finally, the gay seas are the Caspian and the Mediterranean... so, see you there. Chris...
Chris: Thanks Colin. He's not gay by the way. We wouldn't employ a homosexual.
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

Round the World

Tokyo Correspondent: Thanking you live from Tokyo, where it's three-thirty in the morning. That's minus seven in new Japanese time. In just seven hours, the first of thirty full-size duplicate Japans will be switched on, and all clocks will be reset to zero zero zero zero zero zero zero. The new Japans have been three years in construction, involving perfect replication of cities and people and children. The raft of new countries, which extends over five thousand miles into the Pacific, has been hidden until now, but was spotted yesterday from an aeroplane. Japan has so far refused to comment.
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

Italian Correspondent: The Vatican realised the computer had been tampered with when they discovered that Jesus had died of food poisoning aged nineteen, and Lou Reed had been canonised as a saint.
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

Features

Iggy Pop Barker: Physical complaints like the hardened lump on this woman's foot are treated as symptoms of spiritual disorder.
Doctor: I'm going to make an incision here. And make the incision all the way round here, round the other side. And then cut through and then remove this. This foot. Remove that and take it away and bury it with some gooseberries.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Iggy Pop Barker: Dr Philip Johanssson is Europe's leading practitioner of bile chanting. He was one of the four doctors and ten patients killed in this morning's blaze. Firemen say the chance of finding anyone else alive is minimal.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Remedy Malahide: Mrs. Mandy Hell captured these snaps while out walking her brother on Wandsworth Common.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Reality show presenter: What he didn't know was that he and Lindsey were about to make a flight neither them would ever forget, even if their brains were erased with mind rubbers.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

Reporter: In an airjam there's a 3-D gridlock in the air and no way out: The planes just slow down and stop.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

The irony is that while these people lie around like the dead, those in the air will actually die and end up like the ratatouille these people ate at the canteens which are responding to strong demand at the moment here.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

Night watchman: I'm never tempted to use the pool myself at night. Although some time ago I used to go down and take showers. And on one occasion I went down to the pool and found a woman's swimming costume. Which I put on, and paraded around singing a song... a Joan Baez protest song.
Episode 2 (26 January 1994).

Night watchman: Well, I would say this - I've been working here for 18 years, and in 1975 no one died. In 1976, no one died. In 1977, no one died. In 1978, no one died. In 1979, no-one died. In 1980... some one died. In 1981, no one died. In 1982 there was the incident with the pigeon. In 1983, no one died. In 1984, no one died. In 1985, no one died. In 1986... I mean, I could go on.
Episode 2 (26 January 1994).

Voiceover: This is Britain, and in this glittering sea, this perfect fusion of man and mineral, we know that conflict will always perish in the brotherhood of flags.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

Eugene Fraxby: It was over in seconds. A dog and three people dead from guns. Being old they would have died soon anyway, but the dog, which contained no explosives at all, was shot to ribbons in its prime.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Voiceover: The only way police can neutralise bombdogs is to spray them with a resin coating which hardens instantly to contain any explosion. The inside of the bombdog is obviously destroyed, but the outside stays the same shape. However, if the underside is not covered, a highly directional blast launches the animal vertically to a height of over a thousand feet.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Interviewer: So how do you explain the case of Keith Philips, who returned from his out of body experience as a woman?
Skeptical academic: He didn't.
Interviewer: But we filmed it this afternoon, there's an awful lot of evidence to show what happened.
Skeptic: No there isn't.
Episode 4 (9 February 1994).

Travis Daveley: I have this little dream whereby there's this whole village of reanimated corpses, and if you like, a kind of control tower at the centre of that village with a bank of monitors, and I control all the corpses.
Barbara Wintergreen: Why use corpses? Why not normal people? Why don't you just leave things the way they are?
Daveley: Because, because normal people... because I wouldn't have my tower. I want a tower.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Tomorrow's newspapers

read out at the end of each show by Chris Morris.

The Express go with 'Lord Mayor's Pirouette in Fire Chief Wife Decapitation'. Grisly but gripping.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

'Drowned Italian Wins Eurovision'.
Episode 1 (19 January 1994).

'Arafat Ablaze in Kerosene Oyster Hell'.
Episode 2 (26 January 1994).

The Mirror rather upset: 'Fleetwood Mac Buried in Dog Avalanche'.
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

'Bank of England Recovers from Swollen Chairman Unusualness'.
Episode 6 (23 February 1994).

'Boiled Dog Could do Maths Claims Experimenter'.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

'Elastic Song Strangles Hucknall'.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

'"Portillo's Face Felt Like Guts" Says Girl'.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994).

'Girl Made Of Paint Wins By-election'
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

Due to a printing error, tomorrow's Guardian is full of water.
Episode 5 (16 February 1994).

The Sun, 'Robin Cock'
Episode 1 (19 January 1994)

Summation

Chris Morris: That's it, just to let you know the police are still looking for the actor Burt Reynolds, after he stole a dodgem and drove it out of a fairground in Islington. The fifty nine year-old American eluded capture after a low speed car chase, and was last seen heading north on the M11 near Saffron Walden.
Episode 3 (2 February 1994)

Cast

Chris Morris - Chris Morris, Speak Your Brains interviewer, Eugene Fraxby, Reality show presenter.
Steve Coogan - Alan Partridge, Spartacus Mills, Sixties presenter, Douglas Trox, Italian Correspondent, Doctor, Night watchman, Travis Daveley.
Rebecca Front - Rosie May, Barbara Wintergreen, Remedy Malahide, Yorkshire Accented Woman.
Doon Mackichan - Collaterlie Sisters, Tokyo Correspondent, Susanna Gekkaloys.
Patrick Marber - Peter O'Hanraha'hanrahan, Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot, Corin Piper, Newspaper seller, Iggy Pop Barker.
David Schneider - Sylvester Stewart, Presenter at TV.
Michael Alexander St John - Voiceover.
Peter Baynham - Colin Poppshed.

Quoternity