The Idiot Weekly Quotations

The Idiot Weekly, a 1958-1962 radio comedy series by Australian Broadcasting Commission.

The All Australian Leather Rocket

Michael: Look at you. Filthy! Your uniform's covered in mud. What kind of a guard do you call yourself?

Eccles: I'm a mudguard.

The French Connection

Eccles: HELP!

Bobby: There's someone in the sea.

Eccles: Who?

Bobby: You.

Eccles: Help!

Bobby: What's the matter?

Eccles: The sea is full of water. And me!

Eccles: You've saved my life.

Bobby: Well, we all make mistakes.

Eccles: I know. I've seen your wife.

The Prime Minister's Trousers

Inspector: What was your last job?

Eccles: I was the head gamekeeper to Lord Chatterly.

Inspector: Did he give you a reference?

Eccles: No, but his wife did!

The First Australian into Outer Woy Woy

Michael: Please stop these insults or we'll get Mr Limb to tell one of his jokes.

Bobby: That's a good idea. There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a...

FX: Gunshot

Spike: ... dead Australian comic.

Minister: Mr Speaker, honourable members. This urgent telegram dated 1901 has just arrived from Canberra.

Eccles: Where's Canberra?

Minister: Somebody tell Mr Menzies where it is.

The Australian Flag

Michael: This story concerns the story of the Australian Secret Service who through their gallant efforts put three years on the war.

Announcer: So Lieutenant Eccles, Idiot and BAR, is unaware that a female German spy has tunneled up through the floorboard of the airship and is now in the main lounge. At the moment I am hanging on an ABC rope ladder under the floor. I will now thrust the microphone up so that you can hear the next scene.

Eccles: Ooowww! Mind what you do with that thing!

Announcer: Bobby Limb has volunteered to be parachuted into France, on the one condition that he gets more lines to say in the show.

Michael: Sergeant, arrest those old uniforms and have them reduced to the rank of underwear!

The Ashes

Lord Thud: My lords, I have news that is six feet deep.

Lord: That sounds like grave news.

Lord Thud: At 4.30 this afternoon as the crow files, on Lords cricket ground, Australia won the Ashes.

Omnes: Cries and groans.

Lord Thud: And worse still, there were women and children present!

The Spon Plague

Newsreader: ...three dead and fourteen grievously injured. That concludes the rugby results for New South Wales. And now here is the news of the Spon. The theory has been advanced that a possible cure for the disease is the rare sponberry which grows between 18 Macquarie Street and Africa.

Fish Rafferty: We stepped into a world of Eastern wonderment and in the middle of a great marble mosaic floor was a great tunnel.

Sheik: That is the other end of the Eastern Suburbs Railway.

Fish Rafferty: Where does it lead to?

Sheik: Ruin.

King's Cross - The East Berlin of Australia

Prime Minister of King's Cross: M for Mary, G for Gordon.

Premier of New South Wales: Mary Gordon. That's a funny name for a man.

Prime Minister: Not in King's Cross.

Prime Minister: We want to blow up Federal Parliament.

Nigel Fawkes: Right. Now the best time to blow it up is when they're all asleep.

Eccles: That's the daytime.

John: England, as usual, sent high ranking idiots to help Australia lose the war.

The Great Christmas Pudding

Announcer: Excuse me, Major. I'm from the ABC.

Major: I'm sorry, I don't have any money on me. See old Bob Dyer, he's got a fortune in his mattress.

The Last Tram to King Street Bridge

Michael: That afternoon, the Prime Minister read this urgent signal to Parliament.

Prime Minister: Gentlemen, British troopers have defeated Chips Rafferty at the Eureka Stockade.

The Flying Dustman of the Outback

Harry: At first nobody noticed it. Then one day, me and the missus had a letter from a friend.

Gladys: "Dear Harry and Gladys. No offence, but when the wind's in our direction we can't stand the smell of your dustbins."

Harry: I didn't think they smell much.

Gladys: They must do. This letter's from New Zealand.

Captain Eisdell, RAN: Pull up the mainsail, put all top missen sails out and the spinnaker sail aft.

Eccles: Won't it be difficult?

Eisdell: Why, damn you?

Eccles: It's a steam ship.

Quoternity