The Kids in the Hall

The Kids in the Hall was a Canadian sketch comedy group, consisting of comedians Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Bruce McCulloch, Mark McKinney and Scott Thompson that formed in 1984. They starred in a television show that ran from 1989-1994, produced and starred in a movie in 1996, and reunited for a tour in 2000.

The Head Crusher

Mr. Tyzik: I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head!

Cause of Cancer

Bruce McCullough: I'm sorry I caused all that throat cancer and all that bowel cancer. I was just on a roll.

Dave Foley: And?

Bruce McCullough: And I won't do it again.

The Gun Fighter

• Dave Foley: I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. Oh my friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isn't the same.

Dr. Seuss Bible

• Jesus (Scott Thompson): For they walk through this life in toe-crampity shoes.

The Pit of Ultimate Darkness

• Sir Simon Milligan (Kevin McDonald): Now, for those of you with a brave heart and for those of you who have stayed, look into my face and know, to look into my face is to look into the face..of EVIL!

Darill's Blind Date

• Darill: (to date) You look alarmed! Is it because you find something alarming?

Daddy Drank

• "Daddy" (Dave Foley): All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son, all you have to do is be quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am willing to do it. And, I've got quiet shoes. Good night, son. Sleep well.

Communist Threat

• Dave Foley: So when people say to me let sleeping dogs lie, I say to them, friend, sleeping dogs...they eventually wake up...and chew out the throat of democracy!

The Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy (1996)

• German Patient: The nipples of Mother Hope have run dry.
• Cisco (Bruce McCullough): Soak it up you ugly sponge.
• Raymond Hurdicure (Dave Foley): Sorry we're late Ma, but you know how the kids hate old people.
• Grivo: I wanna talk about drugs.
  Audience: Heroin?
  Grivo: No. Not heroin.
  Audience: Speed?
  Grivo: No. Not speed.
  Audience: Hashish?
  Grivo: No, not even hashish.
  Audience: (beat) Horse tranquilizers?
  Grivo: No. Not horse tranquilizers. I just heard about a drug that makes you happy. I just want to say... (looks at the crowd) ...fuck happy!
• Scientist: It was only a couple of Flipper babies!
• Cab driver: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over.
• Wally: Tell me, doc...why do those...types, think I'm one of them?
  Therapist:Because...you are one of them. You are gay. You-you-you are gay, you are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you're gay. I know it, your family knows it. Dogs know it! Everybody knows it but you!
• Don: You know, those words hurt. But you must realize they come from a man who's gone mad with depression. Unfortunately, it seems to happen to some of our greatest geniuses. People like Oppenheimer, Schweitzer, Boxcar Willie...
• Mrs. Hurdicure's son: Sorry we're a few hours late, there, Ma, but you know how the kids... uh... hate old people.
• Mrs. Hurdicure's son: So I hear Dad's dead, hey is that eggnog?
• Chris: Cat on my head!
• Drill sergeant: YOU... ARE... SCUM! Do you hear me soldier?
  Wally: Yes, sir!
  Drill sergeant: Do you know what we are going to be doing today?
  Wally: No, sir!
  Drill sergeant: We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day! [Wally smiles] Do you think that's funny, soldier?
  Wally: No, sir!
  Drill sergeant: Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! BIG... muscles, HARD... muscles!
  Wally: Oh, yesss, sir!