The Long Kiss Goodnight Quotations

The Long Kiss Goodnight is a 1996 film about an amnesiac schoolteacher that, with the help of an alcoholic private eye, discovers she's actually a government assassin left for dead by her former agency which is now trying to eliminate her for good.

Directed by: Renny Harlin

Written by: Shane Black

Starring: Geena Davis, Samuel L. Jackson and Brian Cox

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore

[to a drunken friend] Earl, do me a favor? … Every few words, have some bubbles come out of your mouth and say "hic".
[to her 7-year-old daughter] Stop being a little baby and get up. Life is pain. Get used to it!
[to Timothy] It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?
[later, watching Timothy plummet to his death] Die screaming, motherfucker!
Chefs do that.
You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom of it.

Mitch Henessey

I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.
What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn' muffins." Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come runnin' out. What up with that?
I ain't handsome, I ain't rich, and the last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.
Naw, I sock 'em in the mouth and yell, "Pop goes the weasel." Who the fuck are you?
Do not make an assumption, cause when you make an assumption, you make an ass outta you; and umption!

Dialogue

[Waldman hands a frightened Samantha a gun and pulls another one out.]

Mitch Henessey: Tell me, old man, how many of those things you got?

Nathan Waldman: Three: one shoulder, one hip, and one right here next to Mr. Wally, where most pat-downs never reveal it, as an agent's often reluctant to feel up another man's groin. Any other questions?

Mitch Henessey: Yeah! What's the weather like on your planet?

[On arriving at the train station, Mitch takes his gun from a file in the trunk and puts it into his pocket]

Mitch Henessey:[Singing] Put the car keys in my left pocket. Gun in the right hand side.

Samantha Caine: It makes a bulge! People will see it.

Mitch Henessey: You want me to put it into my pants and shoot my damn dick off?

Samantha Caine: What? So now you're a sharp shooter?

[In a hotel room]

Mitch Henessey: Tell me, do you always curse this much?

Samantha Caine: What are you, a Mormon?

Mitch Henessey: Yes, I'm a Mormon, that's why I just smoked a pack of Newports and drank three vodka tonics. I mean . . . When I first met you, you were all "Oh phooey, I burnt the darn muffins;" now, you go into a bar and ten minutes later sailors come running out.

Samantha Caine: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mitch Henessey: I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.

[Waldman grabs an oblivious Henessey from behind.]

Nathan Waldman: Stay quiet, and drop the rifle.

[Waldman pushes Henessey up against a barn wall.]

Mitch Henessey: How'd you find us?

Nathan Waldman: There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.

Mitch Henessey: That's a duck, not a dick.

[A man directs an unimpressed Charly into an alley with his gun.]

Charly Baltimore: Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight. Shoo!

Gunman: Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.

[Mitch appears with his own gun pointed at the man's head.]

Mitch Henessey: This ain't no ham on rye, pal.

Charly Baltimore: What the hell are you doing?

Mitch Henessey: Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that "ham on rye" line.

Charly Baltimore: Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?

Mitch Henessey: I took lessons!

Charly Baltimore: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.

Mitch Henessey: Well, why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.

[Caitlin and Charly are locked in a fridge.]

Caitlin Caine: Mommy, am I gonna die?

Charly Baltimore: Oh, no, baby. No, you're not gonna die. They are.

[Charly strikes a match to light a gasoline stream.]

Charly Baltimore: Cover your ears. Hey! Should we get a dog?

[Charly steals the bomb-carrying truck. The dislodged driver calls on the radio.]

Truck Driver: I'm– I'm hurt real bad. I think I'm dying.

Timothy: Continue dying. Out.

Charly Baltimore: Easy, sport. Got myself out of Beirut once, I think I can get out of New Jersey.

Mitch Henessey: Yeah, well don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.

[Charly jumps over a fence with a rifle and surprises one of her students.]

Charly Baltimore: Good morning, Raymond.

Raymond: [nervously] Good morning, Miss Caine.

Charly Baltimore: What have we learned about the dangers of smoking? Give it here.

[She takes a puff.]

Charly Baltimore: Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me, I'll blow your fucking head off.

Mitch Henessey: And what about your daughter, what's her name . . . Cathead?

Charly Baltimore: Caitlin.

Mitch Henessey: So, you cold?

Charly Baltimore: Yeah. Freezing.

Mitch Henessey: Turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise — distracts from the cold.

Assassin: Hey, princess. Want some company?

Charly Baltimore: No, thanks. I'm saving myself for when I get raped.

Quoternity