The Nostalgia Critic Quotations

The Nostalgia Critic is an internet character created by Douglas Darien Walker, focusing on reviewing various movies and TV shows in a comical manner.

Episodes

I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!

first and final line spoken in each video

3 Ninjas

Now I know what you're thinking: I'm not giving studio moguls enough credit. I mean, nobody could be so financially desperate or creatively shallow to attempt such an act. I mean, are they really so stupid enough to combine movies like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Home Alone? [beat] THEY ARE WHEN THEY FRIGGIN' ADVERTISE IT LIKE THAT! Take a look. [holds up DVD cover] "Crosses Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Home Alone", right on the front cover! Abandon all originality, ye who enter here! [throws DVD cover aside with a loud crash accompanying it] Now, with that said, I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, "How bad can a film crossover between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Home Alone possibly be?" [beat] Pretty bad.

90's Sports Montage

Referee: He's right! Ain't no rule that says that dogs can't play basketball!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, of course! It doesn't say in the rule book that I can't bring a dog in to play basketball. What was I thinking? And you want to know what else? I'm pretty sure it doesn't say anywhere that I can't bring rollerskating black bears in, either. Or how about professionally-trained, tap dancing orangutangs? Or how about a giant, urinating elephant with one testicle who can sing the entire classical works of Andrew Lloyd Webber? Is that in the rule book? Is it? IS IT? It is? Holy shit, how amazingly specific.

Alone in the Dark

Nostalgia Critic: (using a Macintalk) Well, it finally happened, I've been traumatized by the movie I just saw, a film so bad that my doctor tells me I may never speak again. What film brought me to such a speechless state? Well, let me tell you the story of a sauerkraut named Uwe Boll. He is being declared the new Ed Wood of the film world, a man who constantly keeps making horrible movie after horrible movie and yet somehow keeps making money. He mostly makes video game films like House of the Dead and Bloodrayne. His gimmick is that he exorcises German tax loopholes that reward his investments into the film, even if they totally bomb. So, if the movie loses money, the investor got the tax right off. He's also well known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the living manshit out of them. Class act. Because of his unfortunate popularity, many of my viewers have been requesting me to review one of his movies. I took a look at one of his more famous films, Alone in the Dark, and am now paying the conseqeunces. I'd love to review the movie for you, but I do not want to sound like Steven Hawking's speaking coach. So, it looks like I'm going to pass on this one unless I can find someone to review...
Spoony: (appears from the left side of the screen) Diiiid someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for years!
Nostalgia Critic: How did you get in here?
Spoony: I'm from the future!
Nostalgia Critic: What?
Spoony: I'm just kiddin', I broke in.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I fear a film this bad would take at least 3 reviewers. So, unless you can find someone else...
Linkara: (appears from the right side of the screen) Hi, guys!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Jesus, no.
Linkara: I saw the Nostalgia Signal in the sky. [shot of the bat signal with the Critic's head over it, with the 60's Batman theme playing]
Nostalgia Critic: Why did I install that?

The Angry Video Game Nerd

There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for this treachery! Last week, I officially launched my new website ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com. To advertise it, I created a trailer filled with zooming text, bright flashes and some fast-speed editing. Not a few days later, I posted a detailed list of what movies I was gonna review next. First, a short tribute to Animaniacs, and then The Wizard—a 1980's film that was sponsored by Nintendo. Right now, I'm about half-way through editing and so far, no complaints. But then, less than 24 hours later, take a look at what the Angry Video Game Nerd posted on his site! [shows the trailer] Gee! It's a trailer! Filled with zooming text, bright flashes and some fast-speed editing! Oh! And it also turns out that the guy who reviews nothing but video games is also reviewing a movie! Which movie, you may ask? Well, how about The fucking Wizard? [beat] You...dirty...stuck-up..sadistic...shit-eating, cocksucking, buttfucking, penis-smelling, crotch-grabbing, ball-licking, semen-drinking, dog-raping, Nazi-loving, child-touching, cow-humping, perverted, spineless, heartless, mindless, dickless, testicle-choking, urine-gargling, jerk-offing, horse face, sheep-fondling, toilet-kissing, self-centered, feces-puking, dildo-shoving, snot-spitting, crap-gathering, big-nosed, monkey-slapping, bastard-screwing, bead-shitting, fart-knocking, sack-busting, splooge-tasting, bear-blowing, head-swallowing, bitch-snatching, handjobbing, donkey-caressing, mucus-spewing, anal-plugging, ho-grabbing, uncircumsized, sewer-sipping, whore mongering, piss-swimming, midget-munching, douchebag, ho-biting, carniverous, mail-order prostituting ASSHOLE!!! You just couldn't let me get to it first, could ya?! You just had to steal my thunder! So, it seems that the Angry Video Game Nerd has officially become the Irate Gamer to my incredible genius! [crowd boos] OK, OK, all right...that was too far. But still, the evidence stands. I posted my list of reviews on April 21, and the Angry Video Game Nerd posted his review on April 22. That means he had to write the material, set up the shots, shoot the video, transfer it, edit it, and post it on his website, all in less than 24 hours. [beat] What kind of sick, jealous rage pushes a man to such limits?

Barb Wire

Nostalgia Critic: So it turns out Cora D enters at the exact same time the colonel does, but that doesn't get Barb's attention. What gets her attention is Cora's husband Axel, who used to be Barb's lover.
Axel: I never wanted to hurt you! Now's not the time to explain.
Barb: Well, you're three years late, Axel. Get out and don't come back!
Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute! Let me recap this: A fascist government is looking for a scientist and spouse working for a resistance who take shelter in a bar under management by the spouse's ex-lover and a corrupted cop? Hmm...now where have I heard that before—CASABLANCA! [Casablanca's title screen appears.] I mean...WOW! There's, like, no difference! The plot is literally just Casablanca! Why? Why rip off Casablanca? Did you really think that nobody would notice? Did you think that arguably the most famous romance film of all time was so low on the radar that NO ONE WOULD MAKE THE CONNECTION?! Granted, the titties were a good distraction, BUT THEY CAN ONLY HIDE SO MUCH! I mean, what would Humphrey Bogart have to say about this? [imitating Bogart] Of all the film flops in all of cinema in all the world, she had to rip off mine. Cocksucking bitch.

Batman & Robin

Nostalgia Critic: Well guys, this is it. The big one. The shit-stopper. The constipation of American cinema. A bowel blockage from which nothing of any value can possibly be removed! What is said to be one of the worst films of all time. I am of course talking about the indescribable terror that is Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin". [the title of the movie comes up] We are talking about a movie that's so bad, that lawyers are actually making reasonable arguments that their client's crime may be horrible, but at least they didn't make Batman & Robin! And in the remotest parts of Southeast Asia, it is still considered the number one preferred form of execution. [footage from The Kentucky Fried Movie plays]
Dr. Klahn: (Subtitled) Show him Batman & Robin.
Prisoner: No! No, please! Anything but that!

Batman vs. The Dark Knight

Nostalgia Critic: (regarding supporting characters) But overall, I think I have to go with the '89 film. Why? Because goddamnit, it has Bob in it, and I fucking love Bob! He's the henchman that doesn't say anything, do anything, but for some reason, he really leaves an impression. He's like the Boba Fett of Batman: He barely does anything, but for some reason, people just love him. He even got his own action figure! Why? Why does he have his own action figure? I don't know, I don't care. I just know that a little bit of coolness tips the pile over to Batman's side. I love ya, Bob. We all do.
Burton Joker: You...are my number one...guy!

Bébé's Kids (video game)

This game is a bucket of balls!

Time limit?...There's a time limit? I could eat my way through a WALL faster than I can kill these assholes, and there's a TIME LIMIT?!

Well, apparently going to the left side of the book case drops you off in one room. And going to right side of the book case drops you off in another. THAT'S...JUST...IM...POSSIBLE!! I MEAN THINK ABOUT IT!! [shows us a bookcase sample] If a bookcase opens up, it spins around in a circle so that means there could only one room. Because if there was a wall separating the two rooms, the bookcase wouldn't open. So how can it lead to two separate rooms? It can't, Bébé's Kids! IT JUST CAN'T!

Blank Check

Nostalgia Critic: So Preston gets his bike run over by the Quigley guy, who sees a cop and forgets to write out the amount in the check to cover the injury. So you think his folks would be relieved that he's okay, right? Not in the impractical world of "Bland Shit 101"!
Preston's Mom: I thought we understood about taking care of our valuables.
Preston: It's a piece of junk.
Preston's Dad: Well, if that's how you feel about a gift from your parents, I don't see giving you a new one for your birthday.
Preston: I don't want a new bike, I want my own room.
Preston's Dad: I'm warning you, you're on as thin ice as it is about the bike.
Preston: What I want is my own house.
Preston's Dad: That's it, young man. Until further notice, you are grounded.
Nostalgia Critic: [as Preston's Dad] That'll teach him to almost get run over. I almost had to summon an emotion there. Pfft!

Captain America

Nostalgia Critic: The onlookers wish to congratulate the scientist.
Richard: Remarkable work, Dr. Vaselli. (extends hand) Congratulations. (retracts hand) Heil Hitler! (shoots Dr. Vaselli with the other hand)
Nostalgia Critic: What was that?!
Richard: Heil Hitler! (shoots)
Nostalgia Critic: Wow, that was...the most over-the-top way to kill somebody. I give you props, guys, that was mighty silly. I mean, it's just so sporadic. You could call it the "Psych, Hitler!" You go in to shake someone's hand, and it's like, "Psych, heil Hitler!" Do you think he does that everywhere? Like, at weddings? "A toast to the bride and groom, on this, the happiest day of their—HEIL HITLER!" (shoots) Or how about bar mitzvahs? You think he does it there? "Jimmy, now that you're officially a man, let us celebrate with this most sacred of Jewish traditi—HEIL HITLER!!!" (shoots wildly) Or good God, what if he was a kindergarten teacher? (singing) "The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the water spout, down came the rain to—HEIL HITLER!!!" (shoots even more wildly)

Captain N: The Game Master

Nostalgia Critic: I love whores. I love everything about them. How willing they are to sell their souls for money, and how...cheerful they can be in the process. I'm not talking about the people who sell their bodies. No, no, no. I'm talking about Media Whores, the people who come up with stories and ideas solely for the purpose of selling their product. And in the late 80's, early 90's, there was no better brothel for media whores than Nintendo. Now, before you go nuts, I love Nintendo. I mean, who doesn't? It's like the greatest gaming company in the world. But that doesn't mean they haven't sold out on occasion when it came to their spinoff products. Mostly in TV and movie development. Time after time, Nintendo has come out with horribly written and horribly executed shows and films that had no interest in actually entertaining the viewer, but rather in just selling more Nintendo games and accessories. And, heeeeere's another one!
Announcer: Captain N: The Game Master.
Nostalgia Critic: Ah, yes. "Captain N: The Game Master". The Saturday morning TV show that instantly made you want to play more Nintendo games. Why? BECAUSE ANYTHING WAS BETTER THAN WATCHING THIS PISS-POOR, PUTRID PILE OF PIXELATED PIGSHIT!

Captain Planet and the Planeteers

Nostalgia Critic: Why is it that Kwame always call the shots?
Kwame: Let our powers combine!
Nostalgia Critic: Imagine if he didn't want to say it.
[Cut to a scene where the Planeteers are facing a huge danger.]
Wheeler: [voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] Oh man, we're in a tight jam! [long pause] Uh, Kwame, don't you have something to say?
Kwame: [voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] I'm not going to say it. Not until you apologise for stiffing me on the bill at Olive Garden.
Wheeler: Aw c'mon man, I was short on cash!
Kwame: And I look like Don fucking King to you?!
Wheeler: [sighs] Alright, I'm sorry.
Kwame: Then let our powers combine!
Wheeler: [under his voice] Douche.
Kwame: What?
Wheeler: Nothing!
Nostalgia Critic: [rolls his eyes] Weird.

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue

So for weeks, we'd been waiting in anticipation, and finally the big day came. It was Saturday morning; all the kids are up, and we're hyped as hell! And who do they get to start off this ground breaking event? None other than the goddamn President of the United States himself! Oh, my God! George Bush is starting this thing off! ...Oh, my God. George Bush is starting this thing off; that can't be good. He goes on and on about how listening to your parents is important and about how to maintain the American family, but when you're a kid hyped up as hell, all you can hear is, [in child's voice] "Bla bla bla! I'm an old person! Bla bla bla! I'm keeping you from your cartoons! Bla bla bla!"

Cloverfield

Well, let me tell you something: THIS. FILM. WAS. OKAY! Just...okay. I mean, not good, not bad, it's just...okay. How was the monster? It's okay. How was the acting? It's okay. How are the special effects? It's all okay! It's like a giant, flaming nuclear ball of ADEQUACY!

Double Dare

Nostalgia Critic: Now, the host of this show is probably the greatest game show host that ever walked the planet: Marc Summers. Why is he so great? Well, a couple of reasons. First of all, he has to talk about total nonsense throughout the entire show and make it sound like it's intense TV. I mean, how much can you talk about half of this stuff?
Marc Summers: Shake that banana tree!/Can they get the milk on them?/Yes, they've caught one!/Now you need some sausage!/You rolled out of your taco! You gotta get back in your taco!
Nostalgia Critic: How many game show hosts are there that can say, with all seriousness, "get back in your taco"? Second, he gets just as much into this show as the rest of the audience, screaming and yelling and even getting messy sometimes. Third and definitely not least, this guy was obsessive-compulsive! [record scratches] You heard right: OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE! That means he likes everything clean, neat, and symmetrical. Oh...my...God! That is total devotion to your work! I mean, look at all this. They went through his house and moved around a few things, and there he is, down on the floor, straightening the rug, moving the chairs, fixing the curtains—I mean, this is how bad he was.
Marc Summers: OCD is all about compulsive rituals, and mine were about cleanliness and making things symmetrical.
Nostalgia Critic: And this guy had to do Double Dare?! The sloppiest and messiest game show that ever aired on TV?! Give this man a fucking medal! I'm serious, dude, if you can't find a medal to fit the situation, make one up. In fact, I'll make one up! Marc Summers, on behalf of children everywhere, I present you the honorary "Dude, You Got Balls" Award. You deserved it, man. You deserved it.

Double Dragon

Folks, why is it that movies based on video games always seem to suck monkey tits? I mean, think about it: Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Super Mario Bros., even films like The Wizard that just talked about video games always seem to suck. For whatever reason, they're certainly not getting any better. Don't believe me? Then check out the festering pile of elephant puke that Hollywood seems to have entitled Double Dragon, a movie so bad that I can't even come up with a clever analogy to sum how bad it is. Well, I'll try: IT'S THE MOST SHIT-SMACKING, WHORE-EATING, DISGUSTING PIECE OF RETRO-ASS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! No, THAT STILL DOESN'T SUM UP HOW BAD IT IS!

Ferngully: The Last Rainforest

Nostalgia Critic: So Batty says he spotted humans at Mount Warning, which is...wait a minute. Mount Warning? Isn't that in Australia?
Nostalgia Chick: Yep.
Nostalgia Critic: Is their rainforests in any kind of danger?
Nostalgia Chick: [wishy-washily implying no]
Nostalgia Critic: THEN, WHY IS IT CALLED THE LAST RAINFOREST?!
Nostalgia Chick: Well, Mr. Critic. One must ask oneself, "Where is a viable rainforest environment that happens to have a ready supply of white people?"
Nostalgia Critic: Central America?
Nostalgia Chick: No.
Nostalgia Critic: Africa?
Nostalgia Chick: Yeah, right.
Nostalgia Critic: New Guinea?
Nostalgia Chick: Getting warmer.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Australia!
Nostalgia Chick: Now you've got it. Technically, they could have just made up a location, but I guess the movie wanted some credibility. Now, you could say that it's not a great idea to try to impose logic on an environmentalist film about fairies, but hey, it's for kids and kids are stupid enough to buy anything.
Nostalgia Critic: Now I know.
Nostalgia Chick: And knowing is half the battle. [G.I. Joe theme plays with the two giving a salute]

Follow That Bird

Nostalgia Critic: I can't do it! I can't make fun of Sesame Street! It's the first show I ever saw! I'm sorry about the gay joke, Bert and Ernie! Whatever your sexual preferences are is none of my business. I'm sorry, Grover, I'm sorry, Big Bird, I'm sorry, everybody! (cries) I love you all! You're all so beautiful and innocent to me! You are childhood!!! I can't do it! I'm fisnished! I'm done! Get someone else to review the movie. I can't do it! (walks off-screen to talk with someone) Hey, you! You want 20 bucks? Go review this movie!
Chester A. Bum: Hooray! (sits in NC's chair) Oh, I am here to review...what's the name of this movie again?
Nostalgia Critic: (off-screen) Follow That Bird!
Chester A. Bum: Oh, my God! This is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

Full House

Nostalgia Critic: (beat) ...I really hope you people appreciate what I do for you. Cause let me tell ya, it's not always easy! The stupid-ass shit I gotta sit through is JUST- (calms himself) ...well, it's not always fun. I mean, a bad movie is one thing, that's like, two hours. But to watch episode upon episode of manufactured "pwecious shit"... or "pwe-shit" as I like to call it, quite often is just more than I can bear. The only upside I have is that I get to share my misery with the people who requested it in the first place!

Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie

Nostalgia Critic: (palms cover his face, then let go) I've...got nothing. I have absolutely nothing. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to say? Garbage Pail Kids. Does the title even sound like it's going to attempt to be a good movie? [long beat] I feel raped! I feel honest to God raped by this movie, it is that bad! There is no talent, no effort, nothing salvageable! Nothing salvageable about this movie at all! [beat] Show 'em the credits! Let's get started!

Gargoyles

Nostalgia Critic: But I think my favorite episode is the one called "Future Tense," where Goliath arrives in the future and all hell broke loose as Xanatos has apparently taken over. Trying to set things right, all the gargoyles get killed and slaughtered by Xanatos' army. But then it turns out Xanatos is really a computer with all the memories of the original person. But THEN it turns out it wasn't Xanatos at all—it was Lexington, who's become overtaken by madness. BUT THEN it turns out it was all an illusion by Puck to try and get a mythical emblem from Goliath. AND THEN it turns out it may or may not have been a dream. AND THEN it turns out that Goliath is a woman! [A photoshop image of Goliath in drag appears.] Okay, that didn't happen, but you get the idea.

Godzilla (1998 film)

Nostalgia Critic: So he roars and screams and tears up good chunks of the city, and then out of nowhere, he suddenly disappears.
Solider: A-after its initial attack, he, uh, disappeared.
Nostalgia Critic: He suddenly disappears?! How can you lose track of a 20-story-high dinosaur?!
Niko: It's perfect. An island, water on all sides, unlike any other island in the world, this is a place where he can easily hide.
Nostalgia Critic: A city of eight milion people is a good place to HIDE?! This isn't like The Bourne Identity where he can just blend into his surroundings! [cuts to a picture of a New York street, with a photoshopped image of Godzilla in sunglasses and a trenchcoat among a crowd of people] My guess is that a giant, prehistoric lizard is probably going to stand out!

Good Burger

Manager: Nobody is putting Good Burger out of business! [the whole staff cheers in agreement]
Otis: [a fry cook played by Abe Vigoda] Nobody! [the Critic stops the movie and rewinds slowly to replay that one shot] Nobody!
Nostalgia Critic: Abe Vigoda, what are you doing? Is there just really no movie you'll say no to? I mean, did you read the script? You know it couldn't have been a good movie! My guess is that he was in some sort of contract or something, and it probably went something like this.
[footage from The Godfather is used to simulate such a meeting]
Agent: Abe, the president of Nickelodeon said you have to do the Good Burger movie.
Abe: Hell, he can't do that. It screws up all my arrangements.
Agent: Sorry, Abe. You're under contract.
Abe: Tom, could you get me off the hook? For old time's sake?
Tom Hagen: Can't do it, Abe.
[Abe reluctantly goes along with it]
Agent: Come on, you get to wear the little hat and everything.

Good Son

Nostalgia Critic: (deadpan and silent, communicating via giant note cards) Hello, I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so YOU don't have to. You might be wondering why I'm not talking in this episode. Well, it turns out I threw out my voice from yelling so much at today's movie. It's that bad. So I have to do the whole review like this. It blows monkeys. I feel like I'm on The Newlywed Game. "In the ass"? (mouths sarcastic laughter) So which movie caused me to lose my angelic voice. I'll tell you...(ominous music plays) The Good Son.

Howard the Duck

[a naked duck lady has just been shown in a bathtub with bare breasts]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God. It can't be...That cannot be real! That can NOT be REAL! [clip replays, beat] Is there any point in reviewing the rest of the movie?! I mean, you know I'm not gonna be able to top that! I don't care if he runs into Jar Jar Binks, the Care Bears, and Fonzie from Happy Days! There is no way in hell that I am going to beat... [switches to still picture of duck breasts with "DuckTits" written in DuckTales-style font, and the DuckTales theme song playing]
Chorus: DuckTits, woo-hoo!
Nostalgia Critic: I mean, what is the point? You're making a kids film starring a cute little duckie, and you start out with DuckTits?! Are you mad?! What creepy pervert thought that up?! [picture of George Lucas flashes on the screen] This movie is rated PG, right? This is considered PG material? Are you seriously telling me that showing female breasts is wrong, but showing Daisy's knockers isn't gonna cause any psychological damage? I think the people who rated this movie have psychological damage! I mean...EWW!

Jingle All the Way

So it starts out with this show called TurboMan. I'd like to say it's like Power Rangers for younger kids, but it's more like Power Rangers for retarded kids. I mean, I think this is the film's first big hole: No normal-functioning kid would ever watch this intergalactic space crap. I mean, what kid would seriously watch a show with a flying hunchback saber-toothed Care Bear in it? Well, apparently, this kid would. A little boy named Jamie, played by Jake Lloyd. (thinking) Jake Lloyd...hmmm, where do I know that name? (dramatic music shows Anakin Skywalker in the poster for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace) Hoooooh! WAAAAAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (jumps out a window and falls to the ground, as his scream fades away) My God, what a tall building!

Kazaam

Nostalgia Critic: The movie stars Shaquille O'Neal. [the camera moves in a manner which imitates standing up] Sit back down! Apparently, back in the 90's, people thought if you could stare into a camera and say, "Drink Pepsi", you were considered a good actor.
Kazaam: That's an insult!
Nostalgia Critic: So Touchstone made a deal with Shaquille O'Neal to star in their latest family-friendly romp. In the movie, Shaquille plays, and I am quoting here, "A Rappin' Genie With Attitude, Who is Ready for Slam-Dunk Fun". [spit's on the video and throws it] What they mean to say is that it's a corporate ride-off designed to make a quick buck while entertaining mindless, port-a-dummy kids who think that just because a man can make a decent free-throw means he can make a decent crapped-out movie like this one. ["Disclaimer: Shaq's free-throws actually blow chunks"]

A Kid in King Arthur's Court

Nostalgia Critic: However, it turns out that Katie is in love, but judging by this scene, we're not quite sure to who... [cut to Princess Katie's bed, where her sister Princess Sarah is brushing Katie's hair amid soft candlelight]
Princess Sarah: You are in love, little one.
Princess Katie: Don't be silly! [short pause] I can't hide anything from you, can I?
Princess Sarah: I know it all too well myself.
Nostalgia Critic: (confused) Are you talking about Calvin, or...
Princess Katie: Does it always hurt this much?
Princess Sarah: (running her fingers through Princess Katie's hair) Sometimes, it hurts much worse.
Nostalgia Critic: Am I the only one finding this kinda hot?
Princess Katie: What's to become of our family, Sarah?
(the Nostalgia Critic's heart beats loud and fast as he stares with anticipation)
Princess Sarah: I know not... (touches Katie's chin) but I will always look after thee. (the Nostalgia Critic leans in, smiling and panting as his heart still continues to beat as Sarah and Katie hug each other, only for the scene to fade)
Nostalgia Critic: WAIT, NO! GO BACK! GO BACK! I WANNA SEE 'EM GET IT ON! (next scene opens with Calvin and King Arthur) Oh, son of a BITCH! We're right in the middle of hot medieval lesbianism—one of the few things I want to see before I die—and then all of a sudden it cuts to those two putzes? I mean, come on! What kind of sexual eroticism can we possibly get out of those two?!
Calvin: (regarding gum-chewing) Never swallow.
King Arthur: Never swallow.
Nostalgia Critic: ...GO! BACK! TO THE LESBIANS!

Last Action Hero

There's some people that just keep making appearances here in Nostalgia Central, people like Shaquille O'Neal, Pee Wee Herman, Abe Vigoda and of course, the Austrian beef sandwich himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger. What is it about him anyway? He's so goofy, and yet so likable. Such a bad actor, and yet so entertaining. You can't stop watching him no matter how hard you try. Well, if there's any movie that can make the Arnold formula seem old and stale...apart from all his other ones, it's Last Action Hero. You'd think the director of Die Hard and Predator would know something about keeping audiences entertained, but in John McTiernan's big budget borefest, we find that even the most action packed director can make the most dull, unfunny and creatively misled of pictures. Now I know what you're thinking, "Arnold Schwarzenegger make a bad movie? Surely you jest!" Well, let's take a look at why Last Action Hero is a last action zero. [beat] Trust me, it's a lot funnier than most of the jokes in this movie!

LOTR Animated vs. Lord of the Rings

Nostalgia Critic: By the way, how does that work? If the sword wound works its way to his heart he becomes one of the Black Riders?
Bakshi Frodo: Would I have...?
Bakshi Gandalf: You would have become like them...one of the Ringwraiths.
Nostalgia Critic: Wouldn't that be a little...um...awkward? I mean, I don't think they'd look as intimidating if a little guy in a cloak was running around.
Jackson Ringwraith: [speech balloon] Dude, he's gonna ruin our image!
Nostalgia Critic: Eeh, maybe they'd just give him a desk job.
Ringwraith Desk Jockey: I do hate Mondays.

Masters of the Universe

Nostalgia Critic: I could tell you what the story is about, but why not let He-Man tell you himself?
Prince Adam: I am Adam, Prince of Eternia, and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull.
Nostalgia Critic: A prince, really. I, uh...never would've guessed.
Prince Adam: Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me, the day I held my sword aloft and said, "By the power of Grayskull!"
Nostalgia Critic: I...guess he was just going through that holding aloft his magic sword and saying "By the power of Grayskull" phase. But luckily they happen to contain super powers.
He-Man: And I become...He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe!
Nostalgia Critic: Except for Lou Scheimer, who apparently always gets top billing.

Moonwalker

So we see the world's first universal answer to every joke ever written: Michael Jackson. We catch him at that stage where he wasn't really a good looking black man anymore, but at least he was a half-way decent looking white woman. We see him performing at a concert, singing about how we can all change the world and apparently, all of the world leaders buy Jackson's plea for world peace. (as Mohandas Gandhi) I am in total support of Michael Jackson! (as John F. Kennedy) Ich bin ein Michael Jackson. (as Ronald Reagan) You know, Michael Jackson made this all possible. (as Martin Luther King) I have a dream: to support Michael Jackson's dream.

Mortal Kombat

Looking for guidance, our heroes turn to Raiden for some more advice.
Raiden: I have nothing further to teach you.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, now you shut the fuck up! The one time we actually need your advice, and you have none to give! What kind of highlander are you, anyway?
Raiden: Sorry.
Nostalgia Critic: The least you could do is tell us where he's taking her!
Raiden: The emperor's castle.
Nostalgia Critic: The emperor's asshole?!
Johnny Cage: Nooooooo!!!
Nostalgia Critic: Actually, he was referring to the mystical realms of Outworld. And no, that is not another name for San Francisco. This horrifying dimension has the incredible terror of knocked-over statues, um...knocked-over statues, and...uh...some more knocked-over statues. Oh, and a creature known as Reptile, who's kind of like a mix between Finding Nemo and Satan's ass.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Nostalgia Critic: So it starts out with a Mortal recap of the first film: Liu Kang won the championship, Raiden never shut up, Johnny Cage and Sonya got together, I guess, and they even got out with some evil emperor's daughter called Kitana or something, I don't know, she's in the movie for like a minute, and they all live happily ever after. OR DO THEY? [ninjas come falling out of the sky, surrounding the Earth Realm warriors] It turns out that evil is approaching, as it starts raining Cirque de Soleil on our heroes, who find themselves surrounded by some nasty henchmen! But our fearless fighters are confident! As Liu Kang gets on his guard, Kitana readies for battle, Sonya prepares for... (sees that Sonya Blade is now played by a different actress) Who the hell's that? That's not Sonya, that's like a totally different actress. Raiden, what the hell's going on here? (sees that Raiden has got a new actor) DAGH!! You're not Raiden! Johnny Cage, who are all these people?! (sees that Johnny Cage is also played by a new actor) AGH!!! You're not Johnny Cage!! So wait a minute—if you're not Sonya, you're not Raiden, and you're not Johnny Cage...then what does that make me?!? (clips of the Cocoa Puffs commercial play, the Critic screams and lays his head on the table) Actually, it turns out that they got all new actors for these characters, which is kind of strange because the first film indicates that there will definitely be a sequel! So don't you think that they would have had the actors sign on for that? [pretends to be one of the original cast members talking to his agent on his cell phone] Frank, you're my agent, you gotta get me out of this movie sequel! I know I did the first one, but they don't even have enough money for a new opening sequence! ...Uh-huh...uh-huh...oh...Alright, I'll just have to fake my own death. (hangs up his cell phone, then sighs) (whispering) I can't go back.

Neverending Story, The

Chester A. Bum: (appearing as an April Fool's Joke) Hello, I'm Chester A. Bum. I remember it, though I don't know why. And I am here to talk to you about THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!....And I don't say that very often!

NickComs

Nostalgia Critic: (regarding You Can't Do That on Television) The show aired on Nickelodeon, but got its start in America's humble neighbours to the north, Canada. Which means you always hear my favorite mispronunciation: (kids repeat the word "about" over and over in a Canadian dialect, sounding like "aboot") IT'S "ABOUT", YOU SOCIALLY POLITE FREAKS, IT'S "ABOUT"! A-B-O-U-T, NOT A-B-O-O-T! STOP SAYING "ABOOT!" (gets a boot) THIS IS A BOOT! (calmer voice, pointing to the word "about") This is about. (back and forth) A boot, about, A boot, about A boot, about - GET IT RIGHT!

NickToons

Nostalgia Critic: (Trying to describe "Ren and Stimpy") It's honestly like talking to a kid on the ultimate of sugar highs.
Adult's Voice: Hey, kid! What do you want to see on TV?
Nostalgia Critic: (As a kid) I don't know!
Adult's Voice: Have some candy! (Throws over a bag, and the kid eats it all)
Nostalgia Critic: (Suddenly hyper) I wanna see a cat and dog move around like jelly! Then I want to see them slap their BUTTS together, because BUTTS are funny! Then I want them to tell my grandmother to suck eggs!
Stinky Wizzleteats: I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!
Nostalgia Critic: And THEN I want to see them take a hammer and smash themselves on the head with it! (Laughs uncontrollably, and then lapses into a food coma)

North

Nostalgia Critic: You know, growing up I remember seeing a trailer for a Rob Reiner film called North. Even though I never saw it, it looked harmless enough—sort of a quirky comedy about a boy who divorces his neglecting parents and searches the world for better ones. It just looked like any other average family comedy, but what really drew my attention to it was the Siskel & Ebert review.
Gene Siskel: It's junk. First-class junk.
Roger Ebert: It's a movie that makes me cringe even when I'm sitting here thinking about it.
Gene Siskel: It's...it's embarrassing, you feel unclean as you're sitting there.
Roger Ebert: I hated this movie as much as any movie we've ever reviewed in the 19 years we've been doing this show.
Nostalgia Critic: (surprised)...DAMN. That is HARSH. I mean, these are the guys that reviewed Batman & Robin, Kazaam, the Super Mario Brothers movie, and the Tom & Jerry movie (the Nostalgia Critic had previously reviewed all those movies), and this is the movie that made them feel unclean?! What the hell could be in it that could be so bad?! (cheerfully) Come on, kids! Let's find out!
Kids offscreen: YAAAAAAAY!

Pagemaster, The

Nostalgia Critic: We all liked Michael Jackson at some point, didn't we? But that doesn't mean he can just throw any crap on the screen and expect us to buy it! That's why I have some serious hangups with Moonwalker. (shows clips of Pagemaster instead) One of the strangest and most bizaare—um, this isn't Moonwalker. So, what the hell were up with those clips? (looks offscreen) Huh? Pagemaster? I never watched any Pagemaster. I did? Well, what was it about? Oh! Oh, yeah, the, the Home Alone kid, the reading adventure, yeah, OK. Um...Pagemaster! Yeah, what a...what a memorable movie that was! Hehehe. (beat) Ok, by that total lack of memory, you could probably tell that this film didn't exactly leave much of an impact. And why should it? IT'S BORING! Nothing's developed, nothing's structured, nothing's...anything. It's pretty much just a film fart: it happens, it's unpleasant, but you forget about it just a few moments later.

Pokemon: The First Movie

Nostalgia Critic: I have to tell you, I had a hard time finding this damn film, not because it's rare or anything, but because there's like a million of them! How am I supposed to know where to start? There's one called Pokemon Heroes—is THAT the first movie? There's another called Mewtwo Strikes Back—is THAT the first movie? There's another one called Pokemon 2000; well, what the hell does that mean? Is it the date it came out or is it the 2,000th film? There's so damn many of them, I'd believe either one! Finally, I found it: a VHS copy of the first movie that is literally titled Pokemon: The First Movie. I mean, how cocky do you have to be to literally call your first movie "The First Movie"?! It's like they knew they were gonna have a bajillion sequels, so they decided to call it "The First Movie" just to make it easy for us! That's like naming the first Lord of the Rings film "Lord of the Rings: Don't Worry, We're Gonna Have a Shitload of Sequels". (Pikachu blinks in confusion.)

Power Rangers

Nostalgia Critic: I have to admit, growing up, I wasn't really a Power Rangers kid. I was more in the Ninja Turtles/X-Men kind of crowd. In fact, when the show first premiered, I remember saying to myself, "There's no way this is gonna catch on. People can't possibly be this stupid!" And this is why I'm not in the stock market. The show, about six bland teenagers, who saved the world from Japanese stock footage was such a huge hit that they eventually made a movie about them in 1995. And does it suck balls?... (mouths, "Oh yeah") ...Major balls. In fact, the only difference between the movie version and the show was that the movie version actually has a budget. But instead of using it on mind-blowing special effects and high-tech wizardry...they use it to go skydiving. In fact, that's how the movie begins: with skydiving. Like someone threw a whole bunch of money at the producers, and they said, [in a Southern accent] "YEE-HA! We're goin' skydivin'! Bring the camera along! I'm sure we'll fit it in the movie somehow!"

Red Sonja

Nostalgia Critic: Before I start this review, let me tell you a little story about a guy named Mako. And why you don't wanna mess with him. Mako apparently was a very popular sort of underground voice celebrity. He did voices for Avatar: the Last Airbender, which I never heard of; Samurai Jack, which I never saw; and played Akiro the Wizard in Conan, which I barely remember. So, as you can tell, I barely know who this guy is. But apparently a lot of you do, and were not very happy when I made fun of his voice in the TMNT movie. I remember it like it was yesterday. (starts to fade to a flashback, but we're still focusing on NC) Okay, maybe I don't remember it like it was yesterday. But I have a clip.
[cut to the clip from the TMNT review]
Splinter: This home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers...
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, God. What did they do to Splinter's voice? It sound like Mr. Miyagi if he smoked a million Marlboros.
[cut back to the present]
Nostalgia Critic: Hehehehehe, Marlboros. Well, apparently, a lot of you took this the wrong way thinking I was making fun of the actor himself, sending me e-mails like: "You don't mess with Mako, Mother fucker.", "Leave Mako alone, he is the Man!", and "You should crucify your privates for making fun of Mako!" Well, there goes a one-year anniversary surprise. The fact is I don't hate Mako. I don't know Mako. I know nothing about Mako. I just thought the voice was a little different compared to the other Splinters that I've heard before. I mean, geez, you act like the guy died or some—(cut to a captioned picture of Mako saying "Mako: 1933-2006") GODDAMNIT!! Okay, okay, so, just to recap, I don't hate Mako, I don't know Mako, so logically, I can't hate someone I don't know. Especially when he's dead. That makes it very difficult. So, no disrespect, I apologize, let's move on. (beat) Boy, how am I gonna segué out of that? Oh, I've got it! Mako was in Conan, Conan starred Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arnold Schwarzenegger was in a horrible Conan rip-off, which was known as Red Sonja!

Rock-a-Doodle

Nostalgia Critic: Director Don Bluth was by far one of the greatest animation gods who ever lived...in the 80's. In the 90's, I think he left his brain at the fubar convention because he turned out some very strange, and very mediocre material. The good stuff seemed to end with All Dogs Go To Heaven and the bad stuff seemed to begin with Rock-A-Doodle. It's strange, it's nonsensical, it's kind of like a bedtime story if read by Andy Warhol.

Saved By the Bell

Nostalgia Critic: All right, now, I have to warn you: This next scene, where Zack shows himself in his brand new look is... (sighs) is one of the funniest things ever put on television. It will cause laughter beyond your control. Just remember to breathe: Inhale, and exhale. This HAS been known to kill people. People have actually died from laughter. Just want you to keep that in mind before you watch this. Take a deep breath... (inhales and exhales) All right, let's watch the scene. (Zack comes in and The Nostalgia Critic bursts out laughing for a really long time) He looks like Vanilla Ice's bitch! (continues laughing and eventually stops) I think I just orgasmed.

Short Circuit 1 & 2

Nostalgia Critic: So Fred actually does a fairly decent job getting No. 5 back together. Even though his lifespan seems to be dwindling, Johnny 5 decides it's time to strike back. (in movie trailer voice, while the Terminator 2 theme plays over clips of Johnny 5) They took away his toys. They used him as a pawn. They beat him and they left him for dead. Now, rebuilt, recharged, and incredibly pissed off, Johnny No. 5 is ready to kick some FLABBY. WHITE. ASS. Johnny No. 5 in, "I Robot, You Dead". No more Mr. Nice Bot, it's all or nothing.
Fred: What do you think you're gonna do?
Johnny 5: Pursue, capture, incarcerate.
Nostalgia Critic: (in movie trailer voice) Nothing can stop him. Nothing would dare.
Fred: You're never gonna find him, they're long gone.
Johnny 5: Find them, I will.
Ben: He is leaking, he will run out of power, and he will die!
Nostalgia Critic: (in movie trailer voice) He doesn't need battery fluid, VENGEANCE IS HIS FUEL!
Johnny 5: Let's party.
Nostalgia Critic: (in movie trailer voice) "I Robot, You Dead", now playing. Currently.

Sidekicks

Nostalgia Critic: So he sits at home watching, what else? Chuck Norris movies! As he fantasizes AGAIN about being his sidekick. This time the villain is played by Joe Piscopo and we find out that the damsel is and always has been Ms. Chan. I...don't think this is so much as dreaming about Chuck as it is fantasizing about his teacher. I mean, if she's always the person being trussed up and rescued, isn't that a little...um, creepy? And what exactly happens after you saved her? Does she give you a 'Thank you' with a happy ending? Well, I think the answer is obvious. He gives her to Chuck Norris.
Announcer: A-CHUCK-A NORRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!

Snick

Nostalgia Critic: (regarding "All That") Plus, you have to give them credit for the best Ross Perot impression ever done in the history of comedy, performed by a little girl with rubber ears.
Ross Perot: Will you let me finish? Am I a eucalyptus tree, or can I finish?!
Nostalgia Critic: Right on the crooked, prosthetic nose!
Ross Perot: I've got (puts two dollar bags on the table) four billion dollars, so listen up.
Nostalgia Critic: Wow, right down to the fact that he thinks he actually has money. How delightfully perceptive.

Sonic the Hedgehog Animated Series

Nostalgia Critic: [After a long pause] I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a...fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who is down-to-earth and lives in the realms of the real world. (beat) UNTIL TODAY, when that reality was CHALLENGED by a blue-tinted hedgehog and his flying fox, with two tails. This...is the gateway to madness that the world of children's programming has chosen to call The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Space Jam

Y'know, I love the Looney Tunes. Who doesn't? They're funny, they're clever, they're unique, they're absolutely wonderful. And you wanna know what else? I love basketball. Again, who doesn't? It's fun, it's intense, it gives you a rush of energy; it's also absolutely wonderful. However, you want to be sure to keep these two elements as far away from each other as humanly possible, because if you don't, YOU GET FUCKING SPACE JAM!!! THE WORSE PIECE OF COMMERCIALIZED, HALF-BAKED HORSESHIT THAT EVER HIT THE—OK. All right, I apologize. I just really hate it when Hollywood takes not one, but two of the things that I hold so dear to me and poisons it with an undiluted urine-filled backwash that I hate so much. So with that said, let's take a look how these two wonderful pastimes got transformed into the cimematic gang-rape that lies before us.

Steel

Nostalgia Critic: So Shaq goes back home, which I swear is the house from Up, as he gets reacquainted with his grandmother and— [Grandma Odessa and Ray J loudly shush John Irons as he walks in] (whispering) Oh, uh, who's very happy to see him. Why are we whispering?
Grandma Odessa: It's supposed to be a soufflé.
John Irons: A soufflé?
Grandma Odessa: 'Til you come stormin' in.
Nostalgia Critic: We're talking quietly because it'll upset the soufflé?
Grandma Odessa: How am I ever supposed to master the art of French cooking when you keep crashin' in here like James Brown? (singing) I feel good nanananananana!
Nostalgia Critic: So, just to recap: armed weapons, soufflés, and crazy grandmas. I think we're in for a wild ride!
Grandma Odessa: It's supposed to be all light, fluffy, and full of air.
Nostalgia Critic: You know, like your head!

Street Fighter (movie)

Nostalgia Critic: Then Guile delivers a speech that even George W. would find epically ridiculous.
Guile: Our superiors say the war is cancelled. We can all go home.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh good, I don't know how much more of this movie I could take!
Guile: Bison is getting paid off for his crimes, and our friends will have died here. But...we can all go home.
Nostalgia Critic: Yes yes yes, very tragic. I got things to do, so I'm just—
Guile: Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom, and justice, they get packed up. But...we can all go home.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, we would, if you would stop yapping your trap.
Guile: Well, I'm not going home.
Nostalgia Critic: No no no, don't do this to me, Van Damme! You said I could go home!
Guile: I'm going to get on my boat, and I'm going to kick that son of a bitch Bison's ass...
Nostalgia Critic: Heart of a poet.
Guile: Now, who wants to go home? [NC raises hand meekly] And who wants to go with me?! [soldiers cheer]
Nostalgia Critic: No, no, nooo...!

Super Mario Bros Super Show

Mario: [In the show's title] Hey, Pisanos! It's The Super Mario Brothers Super Show! [The game's theme melody plays briefly]
Nostalgia Critic: Well, at least they have the original video game music. I mean, it's not like they tried to modernize it with like some retarded rap or something...
Live-Action Mario Brothers: [Rapping] We're the Mario Brothers, and plumbing's our game...
Nostalgia Critic: You know, I gotta learn to keep my fucking mouth shut.

Super Mario Bros. (movie)

So, let's see...What's wrong with this horse's ass of a movie? Well, for starters, the graphics in the game are actually better than the graphics in the opening—that's strike one. Koopa is a human being instead of a dragon—that's strike two. And two Italian plumbers are played by a British man and a Latino—and that's strike three. You know what, what the hell? Five minutes into this movie, and it already has three strikes against it! This is going to suck ass! Alright, so the film centers around a love story between Luigi and the only good-looking archeologist in the entire world, Daisy. The chemistry is about as awkward as Tom Cruise and...well, I guess anyone he's dated.
Luigi: [while walking with Daisy] I wanna apologize right now, in case when I start to get talking, and I start to say things that sound really weird...
Nostalgia Critic: Don't worry, Luigi. It's not you, it's just bad writing. Upon taking her out to dinner, we find out that the Mario Brothers aren't even brothers at all. They're father and son!
Luigi: Mario here brought me up.
Nostalgia Critic: But wait a minute, doesn't Mario specifically at one point say...
Mario: Mario Brothers Plumbing!
Nostalgia Critic: ...and isn't it the title of the stinking movie? [clip of the movie title, holding up videotape] So wait, what are you trying to say? They're...they're father and son and brothers?
Luigi: He's been my mother my whole life! [NC drops the videotape, followed by clips of Mario and Luigi together with the theme music from Brokeback Mountain playing]
Nostalgia Critic: You're messed up, movie, you're fucking messed up!

Surf Ninjas

Nostalgia Critic: (commenting on a soldier rising from the water) This scene right here is obviously referencing Francis Ford Coppola's "Apocalypse Now", because as we all know, they are both on the exact same emotional wavelength.
Colonel Kurtz: Horror...has a face. And you must make a friend of horror.
Johnny: What's tall, dark, wears a patch, and always seem to be on my butt?
Nostalgia Critic: It's almost as if Ford Coppola directed BOTH movies!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Nostalgia Critic: Teenage Mutant Fuckin' Ninja Turtles. This is the shit. When we were growin' up, Ninja Turtles were everywhere. Comic books, TV shows, breakfast cereals. They even had a pie named after 'em! It tasted like splooge, but we didn't care; as long as it had the Ninja Turtles on it, we were happy. So when we heard they were actually making a live action movie based on this phenomenon, we proudly pissed our pants with joy. We shit ourselves with excitement. We vomited up vast amounts of excrement, shit on it, rolled around in it, put it back in our mouths and proceeded to vomit it up again in roaring anticipation. Okay, maybe only I did that. But still, bottom line, we were hyped as hell.

TMNT: The Making of the Coming Out of Their Shells Tour

Nostalgia Critic: This is pretty much the worst thing that ever had the Ninja Turtles name on it!
Angry Video Game Nerd: This is even worse than Ninja Turtles 3.
(The Critic and Nerd shudder and cross themselves.)
Nostalgia Critic: In fact, why the hell do we even have this pleasant backdrop? (The backdrop is the Chicago skyline) Let's get something else back there! (Chicago is replaced with a fiery backdrop and Raphael's severed head arranged as a skull and crossbones) MUCH better!

Titanic: The Legend Goes On

Nostalgia Critic: [as James Horner's Titanic music is playing] This is the tale about a ship of dreams. About a young boy and a young girl who fall in love but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disa-[music stops] No, wait. That's James Cameron's highest grossing movie of all time Titanic. My mistake. [clears throat, music starts again] This is the tale about a ship of dreams. About a young boy and a young girl who fall in love but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disaster. This is the story of Titanic...The animated musical. [music switches to "Hold Me"] Now before you say anything, let me answer your very first question: yes, this is real. Some Italian fart over in Italy decided that he wanted to tell HIS version of how he saw the Titanic, which of course is completely different from that other little independant film that came out a few years earlier. This charming little version has talking geese, Mexican mice, and, I'm really not kidding here, A RAPPING DOG. I SWEAR TO GOD THAT IS TRUE! A rapping dog. This film is actually so bad that people debate whether or not it actually exists! Copies of it are very hard to find & most people who see snippets of it swear it's just something done by a fifth grader on Adobe Flash! But, here's the DVD to prove it! Titanic! As it says on the back how they embark on the REEEEAL adventures of the Titanic. Oh yeah, because all the other stories you've heard weren't the least bit exciting or credible, were they? No no no no no, THIS is the exciting version with what REALLY historically happened on the Titanic. (beat) With Mexican mice and a rapping dog. HELLO??? Be afraid, my fellow viewers, be very VERY afraid.

TMNT

Narrator: Four turtles, genetically reborn in the sewers of New York.
Nostalgia Critic: Wow...brief. I mean, geesh, they expect us to buy this whole mutated turtle thing pretty quickly, don't they? Most people would consider that a little out of the norm. I mean, is the title the only real backstory we're gonna get about 'em? How the hell do you think they'd describe the Star Wars trilogy? (in narrator's voice, with Star Wars clips) A guy with a sword. His father. They...don't get along.

Tom and Jerry: The Movie

In the opening credits, we see Tom and Jerry doing what they do best, which is chase each other. [Credit reading "Featuring the voices of" comes up] And...here's our first problem: voice actors. Tom and Jerry had little to no voice actors in their cartoons. But hey, maybe the slapstick will be funny. [Upon seeing the imitation of the teeth breaking gag from "Tee for Two"] (Sighs) Even the slapstick is wrong! I mean this is Tom's yell. [Shows clip of Tom getting his tail caught in a giant mousetrap, he screams loudly.] And here's the movie's. [Shows Tom screaming as seen in the credits, he seems to just shout "YOW!"] God, that's nowhere near as funny. [A clip shows Tom peeling in half after being cut] And look at this, when Tom gets cut in half in the cartoon, it's humorous. [Back to the credits] When he gets cut in the movie... [Jerry slices Tom with a sword, when Tom peels apart his insides appear to be red] Oh my god! That's blood! They have to show blood in this, what are they fucking psychos? [A credit mentions Joseph Barbera ] Yeah, here's a real joke. "Creative Consultant: Joseph Barbera" That just means they went up to him everyday and asked, "Is this destroying your creation? Is this nothing like your original vision?" "Yes." "Good!"

Top 11 Animated Shows

Nostalgia Critic: Number 4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Looking back, I’ve noticed this is the stupidest idea in the entire world. I mean, just listen to the title. (theme song plays) What lobotomized monkey came up with that? I mean, it doesn’t even seem real. It sounds like a satire of another idea. But hey, it took the world by storm, me included. Why? Because it had action, big animals, and of course, a great sense of humor. I mean, they had Uncle Phil as The Shredder for crying out loud!
The Shredder: I want this city to grovel at my feet, NOW!
Uncle Phil: I WANT ALL THESE FREELOADIN' PARASITES OUTTA HERE!!!
(The Shredder laughs evilly, then Uncle Phil laughs evilly, and a caption reads "He's scarier as Uncle Phil!")
Nostalgia Critic: I think what made this show so popular is that is was combining two things that kids love: animals and action sequences. Throw in some outdated catchphrases like:
Michelangelo: Reaallly righteous!
Nostalgia Critic:...and you have a show that's destined to be a hit! I think what really shocks me about this show is that it's actually worked twice! I mean, they released the show again recently, and it actually became a hit! So much so, that they actually made ANOTHER MOVIE based on it. I don't know who came up with this idea or how, (shows a guy smoking a bong) okay, maybe I do know how, but it doesn't matter! This show was a ton of fun, combining everything that kids loved at the time. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: an idea so stupid, it HAS to be good.

Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs

Singers: (singing) DuckTales, whoo-oo!
Nostalgia Critic: God damn this song. From the minute you hear it, it is never gonna leave your head. This song tormented so many children, I can't even explain it. You think you're trying to answer the questions on your math test, but nope, all you're thinking about is...
Singers: (singing) DuckTales, whoo-oo!
Nostalgia Critic: You think you're playing basketball with your teammates, but nope, all you're thinking about is...
Singers: (singing) DuckTales, whoo-oo!
Nostalgia Critic: You think you're about to achieve enlightenment, the pearly gates of knowledge are opening up, and all of the secrets of the universe are about to be revealed. (beat) BUT NO!!! ALL YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IS...
Singers: (singing) DuckTales, whoo-oo!
Nostalgia Critic: It will never leave, it will never leave! It's like an addiction! You think you're over it. You think, I only know a few lyrics of the song. Uh, what is, um, (speaking the lyrics; gradually getting more fast-paced) "Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg, race cars, lasers, airplanes, it's a duck blur, might solve a mystery, or rewrite history, DuckTales, whoo-hoo, ev'ry day they're out there making DuckTales, whoo-hoo, tales of derring-do, bad and good luck tales, whoo-hoo, d-d-d-danger lurks behind you, there's a stranger out to find you, what to do, just grab onto some DuckTales! Whoo-hoo!" I mean, once you hear it once, it will never ever go away. And you wanna know what the creepy thing is? I think this show stayed on the air strictly because of the theme song! I mean, think about it: What do you actually remember about this show? I remember Scrooge, his nephews, a pilot who crashed a lot... and that's it! I don't remember a goddamn other thing about this show! This show literally kept bringing us back simply because of the song. It is that powerful. So now that you've heard the catchiest nostalgia song of all time, tell the people. Warn them. Don't let them hear the song, because once it gets into your head, it buries its way into your brain, festering, festering, until it balloons into a gigantic ball of human waste that will eat you alive! Warn the people! Warn the people... (breaks down and cries; after a beat, he's suddenly normal again) I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

Top 11 Cereal Mascots

Nostalgia Critic: (regarding the Froot Loops commercials) Just how many problems can Froot Loops solve anyway? Well, geesh, Toucan Sam, my father has AIDS!
Toucan Sam: Then follow your nose.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, OK!
Toucan Sam: It always knows!
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I wonder what it could be?
Toucan Sam: Ah, Kellogg's Froot Loops cereal!
Nostalgia Critic: (gasps with a surprised reaction) ...my father still has AIDS! (face gradually changes to him about to cry.)

Top 11 Disney Villains

Nostalgia Critic: The number 1 greatest Disney animated film villain is: the Devil (Chernabog) from Fantasia. Now, I know what you're thinking: "He didn't do anything! He didn't hatch any diabolical plans or ruin anybody's life!" But here's the thing—IT'S THE DEVIL! HE IS EVIL INCARNATE! You look at this guy and tell me that not one of these characters (we see several villains that were on the list) is not working for, with, or was inspired by this guy. He doesn't talk, doesn't sing, and doesn't even mess around with any of the good guys. But that's how the Devil works. He doesn't strike people down like Maleficent or scheme evil plots like Frollo—he's working through them, motivating them and encouraging every ounce of evil that they do. He doesn't even need an introduction—you just see him, and you can feel the evil. How can you not be intimidated when those evil eyes pop up and the music builds? The Devil is often perceived as something you can't see. Well, if you could, this is what he would look like, and this is what he would do: playing God with the dead, bringing spirits back to life just so he can destroy them again. He turns beauty into filth, moonlight into fire, and cries for help into consumption and greed. Ultimately, though, the Devil can't compete with the heavenly light that comes in at the end, and leads to what is probably Disney's most powerful and beautiful moment ever put on screen. This portion of Fantasia was daring and controversial, even spawning one of the first Disney nipples ever to be seen. [sarcastically] OH MY GOD, WOMEN HAVE NIPPLES?! MY CHILDHOOD IS RUINED! (normal) There's no doubt about it—the Devil encompassed everything. He was everything dark, everything hateful, everything cruel, and everything lusting for power. He was the master of all darkness, and portrayed just as that, seeing absolutely no element of good in him—an all around perfect portrayal of evil. The Devil: the number one greatest Disney animated villain.

Top 11 Drug PSAs

Nostalgia Critic: Pee-Wee Herman talking to me about crack is absolutely HILARIOUS. If it were Paul Reubens, the actor who plays Pee-Wee, talking to me about crack, maybe that might have some merit. But, when Pee-Wee Herman, not Paul Reubens, says "This... is crack", I die a little inside. I die of laughter. And I know I look all calm and put together, but when I first watched this, I had to go through HOURS and HOURS of laughter to get to this point. That's laughter probably off the end of my life that I'll never get back. It is THAT hilarious.

Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments

Nostalgia Critic: (referring to Superman III's wacky opening) As a guy trips looking at a woman, a lady on rollerblades crashes into a hot dog cart, the hot dog cart knocks over some phone booths, a toy penguin is set on fire, which scares a little doggie, that knocks a woman over carrying groceries - ("Mouse Trap" commercial plays)
Cat: You knock the man into the pan, you knock the ball in the rub-a-dub tub...Mouse Trap! I guarantee it's the craziest trap you'll ever see!
Nostalgia Critic: Um, you get the idea. It's about as obnoxiously overblown as a comedy routine can get, looking absolutely nothing like a Superman movie. In fact, the title just passes by! You wouldn't even notice it! But how can you, when a man confuses his walking dog for a road painter—yeah 'cause all blind people are freakin' idiots, right? A car speeds out of control, hits a fire hydrant, starts filling up with water—you figure that one out—as Superman comes in to rescue the guy from drowning in his own vehicle on dry land. This is like the "dominoes" of human misery! Seriously! The only thing that's missing to top off this cliché comedic slosh is a fucking mime- (a mime appears) OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!! This honestly does not seem real! I don't think there's enough "wah-wah" music to get us through this opening! ("wah-wah" music plays continuously as the mime slips on marbles, a blind man walks through a giant sheet of paper, Clark Kent knocks a guy carrying pies over, catches one of the pies, but is so distracted by a beautiful woman that he turns around quickly and smashes the pie into another pedestrian's face. All of these events cause an explosion, stopping the "wah-wah" music) Oh great, you BLEW UP the wah-wah machine!

Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks

Nostalgia Critic: (regarding Toon Town in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit") Plus, it's probably the only time you'll see Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse together. That alone is pretty surreal.
Bugs Bunny: Nyeh, so how's Pixar saving your ass this time, Mickey?
Mickey Mouse: Suck my enchanted ballsack, you hunkashit!

Top 11 Saddest Nostalgic Moments

Nostalgia Critic: Number 4: The death of Charlotte, from Charlotte's Web. Ok, so maybe all spiders don't look quite as cute and lovable as Charlotte did, but that doesn't mean we weren't all affected when she spent the last days of her life helping out a damn pig. It wouldn't be so bad, except she talks about her death like she's going out to the store.
Charlotte: I'm done for, Wilbur. In a while, I'll be dead.
Nostalgia Critic: (as Wilbur) Oh, well, I guess that's cool—WHA?! (normal voice) And as if that wasn't bad enough, she actually sings a song before she dies.
Charlotte: (singing) The autumn days grow short and cold.
Nostalgia Critic: Now that's the sign of a true hard working entertainer: working behind the scenes, never taking the credit, and leaving on a song. What a showman—or show spider.

Twister

Nostalgia Critic: (Bill and Jo have just survived the tornado and are arguing) SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP! (points at Bill) You're an idiot! (points to Jo) You're a bitch! (points to Dusty) You're annoying! (points to the Twister poster) AND YOU'RE A GOD-AWFUL MOVIE!!! Why was this movie such a big hit? Because of the effects. Nothing else. Because when you really look at this assfest of a movie, you see nothing but what assfests always produce: crap, crap, crap! It's so horrifically bad that it even scared the Burger King away, and he's usually the one scaring other people away! (sobbing is heard offscreen) Oh-oh come on, BK, come out from under the bed. (to the camera) He's crying now. (to BK) No, no, Philip Seymour Hoffman isn't here anymore. No, he's gone. H-hold up—I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (getting up) Oh, no, calm down, calm down. Come on. I'll get you some McDonald's. (BK punches NC offscreen) Oh, sorry.

Warriors of Virtue

Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, on the set of Dune, we see our villain named Komodo.
Minion: I brought you this. It's from a boy. He's a newcomer! [Komodo looks strangely at the minion.].
Komodo: Newcomer?
Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Komodo] The Monarch is not pleased! [The minion falls down a hole.]
Komodo: General Grillo, I ask you this: What's the point of power...if you don't abuse people?
Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Komodo] I'm trying to do every Johnny Depp performance I've ever seen.
Lord Grillo: My Lord, it's the symbol of Tao. [mispronounced]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, really?? The symbol of TAO?? Boy, how tare you! You must be a very taring person to tispense such tepressing information!

We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story

[A monochrome montage of various scenes from We're Back! plays while random splatters of blood interrupt them. The entire time, a version of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music by The Lennon Sisters plays. This eventually gives way to a voiceover by a new character named Raoul Puke, a parody of Hunter S. Thompson's Raoul Duke character from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.]
Raoul Puke: I was somewhere in the living room, on the edge of the couch, when the drugs began to take hold. The only strange thing is, I wasn't on any drugs. It was one of the few instances of sobriety I've ever experienced, and never again will I return to that nasty realm. Because if it's anything like what I saw on the television, then the world of LSD clearly has more sense and logic than that of reality. Hello, I'm Raoul Puke, father of Fozzy journalism. I've covered everything from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas to Where The Buffalo Roam, but today...today I'm here to tell you about a very particular trip. It is a trip I wish never to take again. A trip of sobriety, I will not lie, but it came from a very particular place: A children's film. A children's film I hope never to revisit. A children's film that brought out horrid images that I hope never to experience again. There's only one children's film that can possibly bring out this kind of horrible trip in any manner. It is simply known as...We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story.

Wizard, The

Meanwhile, Jimmy and Corey stop off at a bus station, where they discover that Jimmy has a talent for getting high points on Double Dragon.
Corey: You got 50,000 on Double Dragon?
Nostalgia Critic: There, they come across Haley, a girl who also happens to be running away.
Haley: What's his (Jimmy's) problem?
Corey: He's just shy.
Haley: Shy a few bricks, I'd say.
Corey: Just kicked ass on Double Dragon.
Haley: Get outta here. Him?
Corey: Yeah, he could wax your tail.
Haley: No way.
Corey: Wanna bet?
Haley: How much?
Corey: Got a bus ticket? Could cash it in.
Nostalgia Critic: What kids talk like this?! I mean, seriously! They all talk like 1980's businessmen! I mean, who raised them, Donald Trump??
Trump: You're fired.

Quoternity