The Office Quotations

Quotes from the British series, The Office.

The Office (US) has a separate Wikiquote page.

Downsize [1.01]

David: My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?". Didn’t happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!

David: I said, "If Head Office try and come here and interfere, they've got me to contend with, okay? You can go and fiddle with Neil's people, but I'm the head of this family. You're not going to fiddle with my children. I am, if anyone does."

Work Experience [1.02]

David: "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs." Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.

Gareth: If anything they should be rewarded.

David: They should be equal.

Gareth: Women are equal.

David: I've always said that.

Gareth: I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I’d make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you’d be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.

The Quiz [1.03]

Ricky: You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?

Gareth: Oh yeah, they're sad little men. He’s thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?

David: There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go "Ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced." Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones. Just give generously to them all.

Training [1.04]

Gareth: All farmers have wives.

Tim: This one doesn't, he's gay.

Gareth: Well, then, he shouldn't be allowed near animals should he?

Dawn: He proposed on a Valentine’s Day, although he didn’t do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said "Lee love Dawn, marriage?" which you know, I like, because it’s not often you get to something that’s both romantic and thrifty.

New Girl [1.05]

Tim: There was, oh my God, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eighth's. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bol-inn Alley, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said mind your head, nice, and underneath someone had written "And don’t get your Hampton Court." It’s not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

Gareth: If you’re so clever, what am I thinking now?

Tim: You’re thinking "how can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?"

Gareth: No.

Tim: You’re thinking "if I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes?"

Gareth: No. And you can’t

Tim: What are you thinking Gareth?

Gareth: I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.

Judgment [1.06]

David: Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I've been promoted. So, every cloud... You're still thinking about the bad news, aren't you?

[Last lines of the season]

David: You’ve seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything’s possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don’t do it so they turn round and go "Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs." I do it so, one day, someone will go "There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him."

Episode 2.01 [2.01]

David: Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, alright? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant. Fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.

Tim:Team leader don’t mean anything mate.

Gareth: Excuse me, it means I’m the leader of a team.

Tim: No it doesn't-it’s a title someone’s given you to get you to do something they don’t want to do, for free. Right? It’s like making a div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it.

Gareth: I think they do.

Tim: No they don’t Gareth.

Gareth: Er, yes they do, because if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last, so it was warm.

Episode 2.02 [2.02]

Dawn: I always wanted to be a children's illustrator and when people said, "What do you do?" I would say, "Well, I'm an illustrator, but I do some reception work for a little bit of extra cash." So, for years, I was an illustrator who did some reception work. Then Lee thought it would be a good idea for us both to get full-time jobs and then you're knackered after work and it's hard to do illustrating. So now, when people ask me what I do, I say I'm a receptionist.

David: Under "Strengths"... you've just put accounts.

Keith: Yeah.

David: That's your job though, that's, that's just-

Keith: - Mmm. [nods]

David: No, Keith. What. I was sort of looking for your skills within your job. So is there anything else you could have put there?

Keith: [shrugs]

David: Nope. Okay. Umm... Under "Weaknesses" you've put eczema.

Episode 2.03 [2.03]

David: How old would you say I was if you didn't know me?

Employee: Forty?

David: No, how old do you think I look?

Employee: Thirty nine?

David: Most people think I look about thirty, so..

Employee: Definitely not.

David: Oh, you calling them liars?! What do you think?

Oliver: Well, between thirty and forty.

David: Yes. More honest.

Tim: Now guys, we're about to enter a warehouse environment, now I must warn you that some of the people in here will be working class, so there may be arse cleavage. So just find a partner, hold hands. Don't talk to anyone though.

Episode 2.04 [2.04]

David: The reason I put "If it's in you" is, if I waste good time and money looking for it, and see it's definitely not in you, I don't wanna be sued 'cos you haven't got it, so, you know, you're not gonna get me on that.

Simon: You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, inflitrating drugs gangs and the Triads.

Gareth: Yeah, I reckon that's true.

Tim: Yeah, I reckon that's true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star.

Episode 2.05 [2.05]

David: What's more important: you, Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Oh, I dunno. Oh, what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know. Imagine him going out of the door on Comic Relief day and Dawn French is going "Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out." (middle finger) "DO IT YOURSELF, I'VE GOTTA SAVE SOME AFRICANS!".

David: And that’s not going "Ooh, look at me today, I’m entertaining whilst saving lives aren’t I brilliant?", it’s going "If you think I’m brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant"-not as entertainers, a lot of them can’t even speak English, but you know don’t give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least.

Episode 2.06 [2.06]

David: I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going, "Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?" No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like... me.

David: Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don't know whether you're in a trough until you're climbing out, or on a peak until you're coming down. And that's it you know, you never know what's round the corner. But it's all good. "If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain." Do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

Episode 3.01 [3.01]

Gareth: I did learn a lot from David. I learnt from his mistakes. We're very different people; he used humour where I use discipline. And I learnt that nobody respects him. And in a war situation, if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death, it's no good saying to them "Please come with me lads, I'll tell you a joke." It's a direct order "Come with me." And they'll go "Yes, he's got good leadership skills, let's all go with him to our certain death".

Gareth: Right, her details. Her marital status: single, divorced-

David: Not divorced. Nah, husband might still be around, might be a nutter. I'm not getting into all that.

Gareth: Widowed?

David: I'd bloody love her to be widowed.

Episode 3.02 [3.02]

Tim: And what happens, you're going into battle situation, right, you are up the front, with your men, or are you coming up the rear?

Gareth: Well, depends...

Dawn: So it's possible you'd come up the rear?

Gareth: It's possible, yeah.

Tim: That's all we wanted to know.

[Last lines of the series]

David Brent: [In "talking head"] Have you got everything you need? [The interviewer answers affirmatively off-camera] Cheers.

[He gets up and walks off camera]

Quoternity