The Vicar of Dibley
The Vicar of Dibley The Vicar of Dibley is a British sitcom created by Richard Curtis, and mostly written by Curtis and Paul Mayhew-Archer. The show was written for its title actor, Dawn French.
The sitcom is about a small fictional village called Dibley that gets a female vicar (set after the real-life change in Church of England law allowing the ordination of women). It is a comedic study of the effect that this has on a small rural community. The Vicar of Dibley came third in a 2004 BBC poll to find 'Britain's Best Sitcom'.
[All council members except David raise their hands enthusiastically]
(A village comes up to Jim)
(Radio Dibley):
Christ was born on christmas day
Halleluia, halleluia
But he never got his end away
Halleluia, halleluia
Praise the lord
But hold on too your hat
For Jesus Christ was born a cat'
O Praise the lord, he's coming down the birth canal
Here he comes, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
She shall not need, she shall not need
An epiosiotomy
The sitcom is about a small fictional village called Dibley that gets a female vicar (set after the real-life change in Church of England law allowing the ordination of women). It is a comedic study of the effect that this has on a small rural community. The Vicar of Dibley came third in a 2004 BBC poll to find 'Britain's Best Sitcom'.
The Arrival [1.1]
- Reverend Pottle: I pray for all the members of this congregation, also for the Queen, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs. Sinclair Wilson and all her family. (Alice whispers in his ear) Mrs. Sinclair Wilson, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family. Amen.
- (On deciding to rally the parish council against the appointment of a female vicar)
- David Horton: They don't call me Sportin' Horton for nothing!
- Hugo Horton: I didn't know they called you Sportin' Horton. I thought they called you Dirty David due to your enormous collection of Victorian pornography!
- Geraldine Granger: You were expecting a bloke - beard, bible, bad breath.
- David Horton: Yes, that sort of thing.
- Geraldine Granger: And instead you got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.
- David Horton: Owen, this is our new vicar.
- Owen Newitt: No it isn't! She's a woman!
- Geraldine Granger: Oh! You noticed! [Points to breasts] These are such a giveaway, aren't they?!
- Alice: You can call me Alice.
- Geraldine: Right.
- Alice: Because it's my name.
- Geraldine: I've just been visiting my new parishioners. Frankly I think that they would have been less surprised if the new vicar was Mr Blobby.
Songs of Praise [1.2]
- David Horton: Am I alone on Sundays in preferring not to shake hands with the malodorous creature in the next pew?
- Jim Trott: No no no no... I quite like that bit.
- David Horton: Let alone kiss them?
- Jim Trott: I love that bit!
- David Horton: We are, for once, all agreed. Songs of Praise is cheapening, shallow and ridiculous,[Turns to Hugo] Isn't it?
- Hugo Horton: Oh yes. Very cheapening.
- Mrs Cropley: Utterly shallow.
- Frank Pickle: Totally ridiculous.
- David Horton: Excellent. Well, let's have a vote on this shall we? Anybody in favour of letting the morons from TV land into our church?
[All council members except David raise their hands enthusiastically]
Community Spirit [1.3]
- Jim Trott: [Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! And no no no no no no no refreshments will be sold in the refreshment tent!
(A village comes up to Jim)
- Villager: Is that "No parking is allowed in the upper field", or "Parking is allowed in the upper field"?
- Jim Trott: [Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! OK?
The Window & The Weather [1.4]
- David Horton: I have spent the week investigating the prices of stained glass, and the lowest quote we have is for £11,000.
- Owen Newitt: Bugger me! You could have someone killed for that!
Election [1.5]
- David Horton: What was that socialist trout you were spouting from the pulpit last week?
- Vicar: I've got a feeling it was the Sermon on the Mount.
- David Horton: Jesus did not tell rich people to give all their money away.
- Vicar: I think you'll find he did actually!
- David Horton: Nonsense. What did he say to the sick man? "Take up thy bed and walk." In other words "Help yourself". "On your bike."
- Vicar:Are you trying to establish a direct spiritual link between Jesus Christ and Norman Tebbit?
- David Horton: You can't deny there are similarities.
- Vicar:(Loudly) There bloody are not!
- David Horton: Dibley can't afford a new window.
- Geraldine: Wait a minute! 'Can't' isn't in the Christian Vocabulary!
- Owen Newitt: Yes it is! You can't commit Adultery, You can't steal...
- Jim Trott: You can't even covet your neighbour's ass. Even if it is very alluring!
Unidentified episode(s)
- David Horton: You're the saddest person in the kingdom, and that's including Rolf Harris. (Celebrity Vicar)
- Owen Newitt: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour. (Autumn)
- Geraldine: That Cropley woman really is the Queen of cordon bleauuuuuu!. (Election)
- Geraldine: (Geraldine giving her Christmas sermon while heavily drunk) Now on this day a baby was born and his name was ummm... his name was... gosh, I know this... it's written down in that book. Ummm... (looks at Alice for answer).
- Alice: (Whispers) Jesus.
- Geraldine: Jeremy! No, that's not it.
- Alice: (Whispers louder than before) Jesus.
- Geraldine: Jesus - no that's not right either. Doesn't matter, whatshisname was a very special child because, one he loved us all, two he had a nice fluffy beard , and three, two, one - THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!! (She collapses and falls off the pulpit) (2006 Christmas Special)
- Alice: I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.
- Geraldine: I'm not sure I'm familiar with this particular pregnancy test.
- Alice: Oh, it's how we've always done it here in Dibley. You see, you get a hamster, and you wee on it, and if it turns blue you're pregnant.
- Geraldine: Right.
- Geraldine: And where was Jesus born?
- Child: In Dunstable.
- Geraldine: Who told you that?
- Alice: My mum told me that Jesus was born in Dunstable.
- Geraldine: In a stable!
- Jim: Well I've been married 37 years and the secret of a sucessful marriage Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.
- Hugo: Well, hooray.
- Jim: With as many different women as possible.
- Geraldine: Oh, God.
- Jim: Especially orientals cos they can go on...
- Geraldine: Thank you, Jim. What about you, Frank?
- Frank: Well, I've never had sex with an oriental.
- Geraldine: Now Alice. You're single, a virgin and yet pregnant.
- Owen: That happened to my cousin Sally.
- Geraldine: No it didn't, Owen.
- Owen: Yes it did. She gave birth three times but she never ever had sex with a man.
- Jim: Except me.
- Frank: And me.
- Owen: And me if I'm honest. (Winter)
- Owen: I'd just like to say. I'll be slaughtering Daisy here tomorrow, so do order your Christmas beef after the show. (Winter)
- Jim: That is life. Full of confusion. I found this gorgeous girl in Thailand. We snogged, well we more than snogged. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We got married on a pinapple strewn beach. On the first night of the honeymoon she takes off all her clothes and it turns out she's a bloke called Duane. (Spring)
(Radio Dibley):
- GERALDINE: I think we have a caller on line one. Hello, caller.
- DAVID: Vicar, is that you?
- GERALDINE: It is indeed. Is that David Horton, local councilor, chairman of the parish?
- DAVID: You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tommorow.
- GERALDINE: David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually live on -
- DAVID: I'm cancelling. I'm sorry. I don't want that moron Alice asking me damn fool questions.
- GERALDINE: David.
- DAVID: And it's no good telling me you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview. Have to cancel - Talk to you later.
- GERALDINE: Uh, David. Just before you go, just between you and me, how are your hemorroids?
- DAVID: Well... They're terrible if you must know.
- GERALDINE: Aw. Really painful? Very embarassing? Bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?
- DAVID: ... Yes, well it is actually. My lavatory hasn't know what's hit it in the last few weeks.
- GERALDINE: Aw. Aw. Well thank you, David "Hemorroid" Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio call in. Anything else you'd like to add?
- DAVID: [silence] ... [fake Middle Eastern accent] And this is Rory Bremner now using my real voice. I bet I had you all fooled, eh? Hahaha.
- OWEN: Zombies? He's got nerve.
- JIM: No, no, no, that's right. I'm not going to watch his show anymore.
- FRANK: Nor me.
- OWEN: Bloody Bremner.
Dibley Christmas Carol Suggestions
- Geraldine: Owen, you said you'd delight and surprise us.
- Owen: Yes, but I'm not quite sure about the delight part anymore.
Christ was born on christmas day
Halleluia, halleluia
But he never got his end away
Halleluia, halleluia
- Geraldine: Next
- Geraldine: Now Frank, be honest, how many verses?
- Frank: 106.
- Geraldine: Do you mind if we don't hear the whole song?
- Frank: I could skip 1 or 2 in the middle.
Praise the lord
But hold on too your hat
For Jesus Christ was born a cat'
- Geraldine: (Bangs head on the table) Can you please say it Alice?
- Alice: Next!
- Geraldine: Now let me just say all my hopes that after 10 years their is a shred of talent or sanity in this village are resting entirely on you, Jim.
- Jim: I decided to focus on a part of the nativity that wasn't talked about.
- Geraldine: Good.
- Jim: Then I realised, the actual birth.
- Geraldine: BAD!
- Jim:
O Praise the lord, he's coming down the birth canal
Here he comes, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
She shall not need, she shall not need
An epiosiotomy
- Geraldine: (Bangs head down on the table extreme force)
- Alice: Actually, I rather like that one.
Cast
- Dawn French - Geraldine Granger
- Gary Waldhorn - David Horton
- James Fleet - Hugo Horton
- John Bluthal - Frank Pickle
- Liz Smith - Mrs Cropley
- Trevor Peacock - Jim Trott
- Roger Lloyd Pack - Owen Newitt
- Emma Chambers - Alice Tinker