The Whole Nine Yards Quotations

The Whole Nine Yards is a 2000 film about a struggling dentist in Canada, who discovers that his new neighbor is hitman Jimmy "The Tulip" Teduski. In an attempt to get him killed, his wife convinces him to go to Chicago and inform the mob boss who wants Jimmy dead.

Directed by Jonathan Lynn. Written by Mitchell Kapner.

In the heart of suburbia, a hit man with heart has just moved in.taglines

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski

It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive.

Everybody dies. Sooner or later.

I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door.

Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP! Or MAYBE some of that SPECIAL SAUCE you like so much here in Canada; which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody.

The great and powerful Oz.

Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives.

I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise.

You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni! [shoots Janni in the head]

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky

Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch.

Oh, and don't forget the corpse.

OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.

[Watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him] This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic.

[The phone rings, Oz is startled] Phone!..[The phone rings again]..There it is again!

You know what I'm going to do...I'm...I'm gonna...I'm gonna go! [Oz attempts to open the side door but fails] ...does this slide?

Jill St. Claire

I'm still a virgin. I mean I haven't killed anyone yet.

[on Sophie] You know, you'd be doing the world a favor if you just had her whacked.

Franklin "Frankie Figs" Figueroa

[every time Oz doesn't answer, Frankie hits him in the stomach or kidneys, then hugs him to stop him collapsing] My brother, believe me, you don't want to dance with me all night.

Oz, I just wanted to be sure it was you. Everybody's inside. By the way, [grabs his crotch] Huevos grandes, amigo!

[to Jill] You know, I can't think of nothing finer than a fine naked woman holding a gun. You know you're just all kinds of fine, don't you?

Others

Sophie Oseransky: You do this for me, and I give you your divorce. And if you don't do this for me, I swear I'll make your life so damn miserable it will make these past few years look like a pleasure cruise.

Janni Gogolack: My father is a great man. A man of wision, and character. A man who stood up for his beliefs. Unlike that rat FUCK, piece of SHIT... Tudeski.

Janni Gogolack: Ansfer dat.

Dialogue

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: You like living in Canada?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: No, I live here with my wife.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: I take it you're not Canadian.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Only by marriage.

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: You're a dentist?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Afraid so.

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: You suicidal?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Why would you say that?

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: Well, I read that dentists are prone to suicide.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life, but I certainly don't want to die.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: [after Oz makes him laugh] You sure you're a dentist?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Yeah. Why?

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: Because I've never met a dentist I liked.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: Me, too.

Jill St. Claire: [on the phone, as his wife is driving him to the airport] Are you going alone?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Yes.

Jill St. Claire: Good, can you do me a huge favor while you're there? Go out, and get laid.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Jill!

[covers the phone]

Jill St. Claire: And call me the second you get back. Better yet, call me right after. Call me during! I want all the details!

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: [after Frankie beats a confession out of Oz] I MAY know where he is.

Frankie Figs: Well, all right. But don't tell me. Let's go tell Janni.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Okay. You mind if I piss a little blood first?

Frankie Figs: Please, by all means.

Frankie Figs: Aren't you gonna cry out for help?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Would it do any good?

Frankie Figs: ...No.

Frankie Figs: You what? You told Jimmy? What the hell did you do that for?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: I felt sorry for him! I like him. Well, I liked him?

Frankie Figs: So you don't like him no more?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Well, it's a little hard to maintain a friendship with a man who wants to kill you.

Frankie Figs: If you sold my ass out to Janni, then told me about it, I'd want to ice your ass, too!

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: I know.

[Frankie sucks on his teeth]

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: You know, I can close that gap for you.

Frankie Figs: Really?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Yeah, you'd be in and out.

Frankie Figs: You're kidding. This thing right here?

Janni Gogolack: I vant you to understand, when it comes to Yimmy Tudeski, we're not talking about a human being. We're talking about a rodent! We're talking about wermin!

[pause]

Janni Gogolack: Where was I?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Wermin, I think. Wermin.

Janni Gogolack: We're talking about someone - SCREW THAT! - some THING that doesn't deserve to be breathing. The AIR!

Cynthia Tudeski: Have you vomited recently?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: A minute ago. I was just gonna brush my teeth.

Cynthia Tudeski: I'll wait.

Cynthia Tudeski: Promise me something.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Anything.

Cynthia Tudeski: You'll go slow. I haven't made love in five years.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Neither have I. I've been married.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: I swear, I am not gonna let anybody kill you.

Cynthia Tudeski: Under the circumstances, I think that's probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Thanks.

Cynthia Tudeski: But he knows I don't want to be married to him anymore, and like I said, he doesn't believe in divorce.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: But murder he's okay with.?

Cynthia Tudeski: It's what he does.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: All right, maybe he won't come after us. Maybe he'll just let us go.

[Cynthia just looks at him]

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: All right, maybe I can talk with him, reason with him. I mean, we're friends now, right?

Cynthia Tudeski: That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?

[Cynthia just looks at him]

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: I don't want to know what happened to Harry Lefkowitz.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: He sa... he said you guys haven't even met.

Sophie Oseransky: Who you going to believe? A contract killer or your wife?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Do I have to answer that?

Jill St. Claire: You don't like the Walther?

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: I think you should go with what you're comfortable with.

Jill St. Claire: It's what James Bond uses.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: Really?

Jill St. Claire: Yeah.

Jill St. Claire: Your wife is not a nice person.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: You're expecting an argument?

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: [speaking about 'Oz'] You are the most chivalrous guy I've ever met.

Jill St. Claire: Do you see why I couldn't kill him?

Janni Gogolack: You know I have this same car?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Really?

Janni Gogolack: No.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Damn it, Jimmy. Why the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I've been here two days and I've got little tomato plants...

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Oh my God.

Janni Gogolack: Expecting a call?

Cynthia Tudeski: Explain to me how that's any of your business.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: [After Oze tells him he is in love with Cynthia, over the phone] Will you listen to yourself? What are you talkin' about, you love her? You just met her! [to Frankie] He said he's in love with Cynthia!

Frankie Figs: No shit!

Jill St. Claire: So SHE'S the one!

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: She's the one what?

Jill St. Claire: The one he schtupped in Chicago!

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: The one he...

...

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: My wife? You shtupped my wife, Oz?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: I wouldn't exactly phrase it that way, exactly...

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: [with increasing anger] No, no, no! Let me get this straight. You went down to Chicago and engaged in sexual CONGRESS with my wife? Is that it?

Jill St. Claire: Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down!

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: [now livid] IS IT? I SWEAR TO GOD...!

[Jill takes the phone from Jimmy]

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: [to Cynthia] He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE! [to Jill] Get him to tell you where he is! [into phone] JUST STAY RIGHT THERE!

[Jill takes the phone away]

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: It's a DISGRACE...

Jill St. Claire: [into phone] Oz, you stud, you!

Frankie Figs: Gonna be a DEAD stud.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: I'll tell you one thing. You got balls.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Yeah. Who knew?

Cynthia Tudeski: You really meant it, didn't you? What you said?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: About loving you? Of course! What did you think this was all about?

Cynthia Tudeski: [shrugs] Sex. I mean, GREAT sex...

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: [chuckling] It was pretty good... is that all this has meant to you?

Cynthia Tudeski: Don't get me wrong, Oz. I like you a lot...

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Well, that's great to hear, but I've got news for you. I don't generally go around risking my life for people who just like me.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: But just so you know, I am disappointed, Oz. I am extremely disappointed with you.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Believe me, you are the last person I would ever want to disappoint, but everything I everything I did, was for love.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: Yeah, whatever.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: You're a lucky guy, Oz.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Why would you say that?

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: You're about to find out if the woman you love loves you. You know, if it were me, in her position, I'd just take the money and run.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: So what are you betting on?

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: I'm betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: [After Jimmy shoots Frankie] Why...why...why? Why did you kill him?

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: Well, I had to kill one of you.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him?

Taglines

In the heart of suburbia, a hit man with heart has just moved in.

Life's a comedy. It's all in the execution.

Cast

Bruce Willis - Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski
Matthew Perry - Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky
Rosanna Arquette - Sophie Oseransky
Michael Clarke Duncan - Franklin 'Frankie Figs' Figueroa
Natasha Henstridge - Cynthia Tudeski
Amanda Peet - Jill St. Claire
Kevin Pollak - Janni Pytor Gogolak
Harland Williams - Special Agent Steve Hanson

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