Tobacco

Smoking

• When I heard smoking will kill you I bought shares in Marlboro and Dunhill.

Thomas Geraghty

• Life is too short to not to blow; but you can always make the process a little slow!

Gurdeepak Ahuja

• Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

Steve Allen

• A custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the lungs, and in the black, stinking fume thereof, nearest resembling the horrible Stygian smoke of the the pit that is bottomless.

James I of England

• Gentlemen, you may smoke.

[ending the long ban on smoking held by Queen Victoria in the early 20th Century]

King Edward VII

• I'll smoke anything anybody gives me, I'm not particular.

Peter Falk

• If smoking is not allowed in heaven, I shall not go.

Mark Twain

• If they made all cigars and cigarettes in the shape of a certain male body part, most men would stop smoking immediately. Maybe that wouldn't happen because cigars pretty much look like that anyway and you'll still see men licking and sucking on them as if they were hungrily welcoming a boyfriend who just came back from a long trip.

Duane Alan Hahn

• It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.

Mark Twain

• It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it hundreds of times.

Mark Twain

• I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.

Bill Hicks

• Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Woody Allen

• Looking back now, I have come to realize that she was my nicotine.

Tipper Boharic

• My own experience has been that the tools I need for my trade are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whisky.

William Faulkner

• My smoking might be bothering you, but it's killing me.

Colette

• • Variation People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!

Wendy Liebman

• The only way to break a bad habit was to replace it with a better habit.

Jack Nicholson, explaining why he switched from cigarettes to cigars

• Nobody has died because of not smoking, but why take a chance?

Satish Chothani

• Non-smokers...die every day. Sleep tight!

Bill Hicks

Cigars

• A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores.

M*A*S*H, Klinger, Bug-Out 1976

• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Groucho Marx

• Ah, if only I had brought a cigar with me! This would have established my identity.

Charles Dickens

• Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

Mark Twain

• Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

Groucho Marx

• I drink a great deal. I sleep a little, and I smoke cigar after cigar. That is why I am in two-hundred-percent form.

Winston Churchill

• I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
• Variation: I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time.

Mark Twain

• I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

George Burns

• If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

George Burns

• If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

98 year old George Burns

• Cigars are like new life in a twisted world

James Francesco

• Of course, I started as a collector. A true collector. I can remember as if it were only yesterday the heart- pounding excitement as I spread out upon the floor of my bedroom The Edward G. Robinson Collection of Rare Cigar Bands. I didn't play at collecting. No cigar anywhere was safe from me.

Edward G. Robinson

• Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Sigmund Freud

• There are men here and there to whom the whole of life is like an after-dinner hour with a cigar; easy, pleasant, empty, perhaps enlivened by some fable of strife to be forgotten - before the end is told - even if there happens to be any end to it.

Joseph Conrad

• There is nothing more agreeable than having a place where one can throw on the floor as many cigar butts as one pleases without the subconscious fear of a maid who is waiting like a sentinel to place an ashtray where the ashes are going to fall.

Fidel Castro

• What this country needs is a good five-cent cigar!

Thomas Marshall, Vice-president of Woodrow Wilson

• Cigar smoking is a hobby, not a habit.

Art Fuente

Cigarettes

• The cigarettes Mr. Slump smoked were prepared by doctors, so the advertisements declared, with the sole purpose of protecting his respiratory system. Yet Mr. Slump suffered and the young secretary suffered with him, hideously. For the first hours of every day he was possessed by a cough which arose from tartarean depths and was relieved only by whisky.

Evelyn Waugh, The Loved One, Ch. 7

• A cigarette is the only consumer product which when used as directed kills its consumer.

Dr. Gro Harlem Brundtland

• For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

Jay Leno

• I'll tell you why I like the cigarette business. It cost a penny to make. Sell it for a dollar. It's addictive. And there's a fantastic brand loyalty.

Warren Buffett

• I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn't want to smoke, but I didn't believe myself.

Barbara Kelly

• The cigarette is a portable therapist.

Terri Guillemets

• The only "safer" cigarette is your last one.

Duane Alan Hahn

• There's something luxurious about having a girl light your cigarette. In fact, I got married once on account of that.

Harold Robbins

• Cigarettes are one of the greatest things ever invented. And to all you anti-smokers out there, if I ever became president I would make sure that you were put in the electric chair.

John Frusciante

Pipes

• I believe that pipe smoking contributes to a somewhat calm and objective judgment in all human affairs.

Albert Einstein

• If you can't send money, send tobacco.

George Washington to the Continental Congress, 1776

• Man, the creature who knows he must die, who has dreams larger than his destiny, who is forever working a confidence trick on himself, needs an ally. Mine has been tobacco.

John Boynton Priestley

• Pipe-smokers spend so much time cleaning, filling and fooling with their pipes, they don't have time to get into mischief.

Bill Vaughan

• [Tobacco] is the passion of honest men and he who lives without tobacco is not worthy of living.

Moliere (Jean Baptiste Poquelin)

• The believing we do something when we do nothing is the first illusion of tobacco.

Ralph Waldo Emerson