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Trailer Park Boys

Trailer Park Boys is a popular Canadian sitcom/mockumentary focusing on the misadventures of ex-convicts living in fictional Sunnyvale Trailer Park which is located near Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Pilot Episode (1999)

[To Julian]
Ricky: I don't do as much coke as you do. We're not on the same wave length.



[To Cory and Trevor]
Ricky: Knock knock boys?
Cory: What?
Ricky: Knock Knock.
Cory: Who's there?
Ricky: Two fucking dumb idiots that drive a big piece of shit from the trailer park that don't know when to come buy fucking dope. Now get the fuck out of here!



Ricky: B and E? That's grade ten shit and I'm sick of it



[To officers investigating the disturbance]
Patrick Lewis: Officers these guys, they're trying to kill my dog.
Ricky: This man is drunk and he is soliciting us for prostitution.



[Off Camera voice]
Young kid: Hey Reveen!
[To Julian]
Ricky: Do I fuckin' look like Reveen?
[To Young Kid]
Ricky: Come on down here ya little bastard I'll fuckin' 'Reveen' ya.



Ricky: Apparently people think I look like this man they call Reveen. I don't even know who the fuck Reveen is- apparently he's this ventriloquist or psychic or some guy and I look like . Which is kinda cool people think I look like a famous person. And that's kinda neat I guess, but I don't like all these little fuckers running around calling me Reveen.

Static Noise


Cory: Reveen...
[Trevor laughs]
Cory: I- I mean I call him Reveen too, but he calls me dick. So I'm justified
Trevor: I'd rather be called a dick than Reveen.



[Chastising Ricky into not fighting Off Camera Heckler for calling him Reveen]
Julian: No, this is a problem at home that has nothing to do with me. You've got a lot of anger built up inside of you.
[Off Camera to Julian ]
Heckler: Hey Patrick Swayze!
Ricky: See how does that feel?
Julian: Alright--
Ricky: How the fuck does that feel?
Julian: Yeah that's a bad one. Don't worry about it--
Heckler: It's Patrick Swayze and Reveen!
Julian: Did they just call me Patrick Swayze?
Ricky: Yeah they did.
[Three second pause]
Heckler: It's fucking Patrick Swayze and Reveen!
Ricky: You little fuckers.
Heckler: Hey dirty dancing!

Take Your Little Gun and Get Out of My Trailer Park

Ricky: Smokes, lets go, gimme some smokes.
Randy: I've only got two left, I'm not giving you any.
Ricky: You're a fucking dick. Lahey, go fuck yourself.


Cyrus: What's that camera doin' there?
Ricky: None of your fuckin' business actually.


Ricky: You better chill out there, heavy metal dick.
Cyrus: Why don't you go back to the bowling alley where you came from helmet head?



[Julian is throwing Cyrus' things out the window]
Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit!!
[Kids come and take Cyrus' things]
Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit!! That's *my* shit!!
Cyrus:(to Julian) Obviously you didn't hear me when I said clear out your own shit. Now, I want a new T.V, I want a V.C.R, and I want my porn tapes replaced because those were the creme de le creme.


[To Cyrus]
Ricky: What are ya filmin' more episodes of Happy Days there, Fonzie?


Ricky: Me and Julian could definitely take care of the Cyrus thing. It's just that. Number 1: We're on probation. Which is no big deal, but you know I don't really wanna go back to jail. And number 2 or 3, or whatever number we're on...


Julian: I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky.
Ricky: No more than two weeks, I promise.


Julian: What the hell happened to my trailer boys?!
Cory: Okay, chill. There's this guy named Cyrus. He just moved in here, there was nothing we could do about it. He has a gun, and he's nuts.

Fuck Community College, Let's Get Drunk and Eat Chicken Fingers

[Ricky is asleep in the Shitmobile, Bubbles knocks on the roof, waking Ricky up with a start]
Bubbles: I want my kitty.
Ricky: Frig off, Bubbles! you gave me the cat!
Bubbles: I didn't say you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fuckin' car!
Ricky: Bubbles, you got tons of cats. Let me keep him.
Bubbles: He was a loaner! I loaned him to you.
Ricky: Well, I need him! Look at my weed plants! One of them's dead.
Bubbles: I don't give a flyin' fuck! I didn't... never said you could keep him.
Ricky: What are you doing waking me up so early?
Bubbles: No cat of mine's gonna live in a car! Julian!
[Julian storms out of his trailer]
Julian: Will both of you guys shut up!
Bubbles: Ricky won't give me my kitty!
Julian: Ricky, give him his cat!
Ricky: It's my cat now! He gave it to me!
Julian: I don't care! Give him his cat!
[Ricky reaches into the back seat and grabs a potted plant]
Ricky: Look... You see that? You know why it's dead? Because a squirrel peed in it! That's why I need the cat. He protects my weed plants! I got four plants left, guys. That's all I got left in my life. Please let me have one cat to protect my plants!
Bubbles: Here's what I know, Ricky. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, ya own it. If it doesn't, ya don't own it! And if it doesn't, you're an asshole, just like you!
[Bubbles slams the door lock down so Ricky can't get out of the car]
Julian: (to Ricky) Stay in the car!
[ Julian grabs the cat carrier out of the back seat and gives it to Bubbles]
Julian: Bubbles, take your cat! Get out of here! Ricky, you stay in the car!
[Ricky struggles to get the door open]
Ricky: You let me out of this car right now!
[Ricky punches the car door repeatedly]
Julian: Calm down!
Ricky: Fuckin' let me out of here! I want that cat back! I need him!
Julian: Bubbles, get out of here! Calm down, Ricky.
Ricky: I just got woken up in the middle of a great dream and I'm pissed off!



Ricky: Yeah, me and Lucy broke up again and it sucks. You know, I'm not real happy about it but it's one of those things, I guess. Hopefully she'll come around... Bubbles, get off my property!
Bubbles: (off camera) Go fuck yourself, Ricky!
Ricky: And hopefully she'll take me back. Until then I'm perfectly happy living in this car and hopefully she'll come around soon, I guess. Bubbles, frig off and get off my property!
[Ricky and Bubbles square off like boxers]
Bubbles: You fuckin' want one?



[Julian talks to the camera inside his trailer, while through the window Ricky and Bubbles are grappling in the front yard]
Julian: I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um... I think Lucy was about eighteen or something...
Lucy: I met Julian at a party when I was like seventeen or whatever and... I mean, it was... it was a long time ago and... You know, nothing really happened.
Julian: Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and... I experienced memory loss and woke up and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but... I don't know, I just got out of there.



[Ricky and Bubbles are still grappling in the front yard when Lucy walks up with Trinity]
Ricky: Bubbles, just a second, please! Lucy! What are you doing here?
Lucy: I'm leaving Trinity with Julian. I need a little vacation.
Ricky: What about her father? I can take care of my own daughter.
Lucy: (mockingly) Great! Trinity, why don't you get your stuff and go stay in the car with Daddy? Perfect!
Ricky: What, the back seat of a car's not good enough for you now?



[Ricky fills up a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a garden hose that's duct taped to the side of his car]
Ricky: You know, ever since you guys have been around with your TV cameras, Julian's changed. You know, he's getting all frustated and he's taking his problems out on me and other people in the park... It's crazy! He lives in there in a palace and he's all stressed out! I live out here in a car and I've got everything I need and I'm happy! I mean, this is my home. So I don't know what his problem is.



Lahey: Ricky, do you want me to ask my friends down at the police station if it's okay for you to be drunk in a public place and carrying a loaded handgun while you're on probation?
Ricky: Why do you start doing your job instead of making false incriminations all the time?
Lahey: Why don't you get a life, Rick? Why don't you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach Living In A Car and Growing Dope 101!
Ricky: And you could teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fucking idiot that doesn't wear a shirt and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good, 101.



[Julian storms out of his trailer and unplugs Ricky's toaster oven from the outdoor power outlet]
Ricky: What are you doing, Julian! The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sasparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...
Julian: Get out of my way.
[Julian takes the keys out of the car, turning off the loud blues music]
Ray: (drunkenly) What are you doing with the tunes, Julian?!
Julian: Get off my property, Ray!
[Julian grabs Ray's wheelchair and rolls him out of the yard]
Ray: What? Wha... No, hey, ho, wait!
Ricky: (to Julian) Take it easy, take it easy, man!
Ray: Nah, forget it Ricky! If he doesn't want me here I'm goin' man! I'm not wanted here!
Ricky: It's my property!
Ray: Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!
Julian: This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!
[Julian dumps Ricky's chicken fingers out of the toaster oven]
Ricky: I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! Eight bucks!

Mr. Lahey's Got My Porno Tape!

Julian: (to camera crew) Boys, check out Ricky pickin' up some butts!
[Ricky is crouched next to a bus stop trash can, picking cigarette butts up off of the ground]
Julian: Hey, Ricky! Find any good ones?
Ricky: (to camera) What?! Yeah, like you guys have never smoked a butt, eh? 'Oh, look at Ricky smoking cigarette butts!' I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of your TV show and I'm sick of you and I'm sick of everybody! I'm moving to Toronto!
[Lahey rolls past, slowly]
Ricky: I'm especially sick of this dick! Get the fuck out of here, Lahey!
[Lahey drives off]
Ricky: Fuck it, man. I'm moving to Toronto and I'm gonna be a street person! I don't care.
Julian: Rick, think about it. You don't got no money, man! What are you gonna do? How are you gonna get out there?
Ricky: I don't know yet, but I'm gonna get out there.
[J-ROC and Tyrone roll up in a Volvo]
J-ROC: What's goin' on, honkeys?!
Ricky: J-ROC?
J-ROC: Damn you stank! You should put some Old Spice and some Brüt up in that ma-fucka!
Ricky: Listen, I'm not in the mood today, alright? So unless you've got two grand you wanna lend me, get the fuck out of my face!
Tyrone: Hey man, take it easy...
Ricky: No, I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of all you guys! I'm sick of this park...
J-ROC: Actually... If you wanna make some scrilla, you pop by my crib. I'll tell ya how to make all kinds of money. I'm serious, too!
Ricky: You're gonna make me some money?
J-ROC: I'll make you tons of money! Know what I'm sayin'? Pop by my crib. (to Julian) 'Scuse me, Gorilla. We da fuck out!
Ricky: Well if you're serious, I'll be down there in about an hour! (to Julian) Looks like I'm not moving to Toronto!



[Ricky and Julian are behind the trailer park plinking at bottles]
Ricky: Do you ever watch pornos?
Julian: Why?
Ricky: Just makin' conversation, man. Just wondering what you think of the guys who act in them.
Julian: They're greasy!
[Ricky shoots and a bullet ricochets, causing Julian to spill his drink]
Ricky: Sorry, man. Well, let's suppose for a minute that I act in a porno movie. Would you think I was greasy? 'Cause that's a little different.
Julian: You're thinking about doing a porno flick with J-ROC, aren't ya? If you're doing that, then yeah! You'd be real greasy! And stupid!

Julian: Would you see DeNiro doing a porn flick?
Ricky: Well, I don't know. If they paid him enough money he'd probably do one.
Julian: No, he wouldn't. You're stupid.



J-ROC: You gonna be a great big star, G! Ma-fuckas in Russia... Why do you think Reveen does so good over there, you know what I'm sayin'? you gonna be bigger than Reveen! Put that shit on, get your freak on, it's all good!



J-ROC: You know'm sayin' everybody that walk on the face of the Earth tryin' to judge the J-ROC, know'm sayin'? See wha'm sayin'? But I ain't shook, 'cause ma-fuckas tryin' to take me out and stuff, but they can't, right? Know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: You're sayin' "know what I'm sayin'" to many times! Eighty or ninety times? That's too many times! Once or twice is cool, but eighty or ninety times, man?!
J-ROC: What are you, from the Department of Know'm Sayin's? You takin' a Know'm census? You countin' my Know'm Sayin's? We're hangin' out, right?
Tyrone: Eight or nine times? That's too many Know'm Sayin's, know'm sayin'?
J-ROC: See wha'm sayin' you're ridin' on my jock, you know'm sayin'? I'm just tryin' to have a good time, you know'm sayin'? and you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's!
Tyrone: That's too many times. Once or twice is cool, but eighty or ninety times, know'm sayin'? No...
J-ROC: How am I supposed to be myself when you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's all the time, you know'm sayin'?
Victoria: J-ROC, I think you're saying it way too much.
J-ROC: Sayin' what?
[all three simultaneously]
J-ROC: Know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: Know'm sayin'.
Victoria: Know'm sayin'.



Bubbles: The whole idea of it's got me pretty damn frisky, too! It's been, uh... Been quite a while since that stuff went on with me. I'm really frisky!



[filming From Russia With The Love Bone]
Victoria: Gee, Stacy, I bet we could get like twelve thousand dollars for this on the open market.
Ricky: (in bad Russian accent) Everybody freeze! What's going on here?
Stacy: Maybe there's something that we can work out, Sergeant, yes?
[Stacy drops and begins unbuckling Ricky's pants]
Ricky: Ah, maybe there is, yes.
Bubbles: Sergeant Boris! What's going on here?
Ricky: Corporal Alexi, we found the motorcycle bandits! They want to work something out.
Bubbles: Let's get it on, then!
[Ricky can't get it up]
Trevor: (to Cory) Testicle difficulties, please stand by!
Ricky: J-ROC, I can't do this. I'm thinking about Lucy, and... I don't know what's, I... I need about five minutes here.
J-ROC: Aight. Aight, cut.



J-ROC: (to Ricky) Aight, Soft Serve. Here's what I'm talkin' about. You can't do the X-to-the-X-to-the-X. So we gonna do some SC whit'cha candy, that's soft core, right? Know what I'm sayin' it's still gonna play in hotels and all that and you're still gonna be a star. But Bubbles, you ain't havin' no troubles. You wanna get with her?
Bubbles: Well, if it's okay with her I certainly would.
J-ROC: (to Stacy) That aight?
Stacy: Yeah, that's cool.
J-ROC: Aight.
Stacy: Don't be nervous, Bubbles. I'll take good care of you.



[Trying to threaten Mr. Lahey into relinquishing the porno tape]:
Ricky: Just remember Lahey, what comes around is all around!
Lahey: Don't you mean "What's all around comes around," Ricky?
Ricky: This isn't fuckin' over yet.
Lahey: That's nice talk to use on television, eh? Don't forget you started this shitstorm, Limpy!



[Julian, listening to his phone messages]
Ricky: Julian! It's Ricky, here. Just letting you know that, uh, I've thought about this, I feel I have no other options. I'm gonna go down to Lahey's trailer, I'm gonna break in, and I'm basically probably gonna kill Mr. Lahey and I'm thinking about killing Randy as well and I'm gonna take the porno tape back. I've talked to Bubbles about it, he's probably gonna give me a hand because we both can't have this tape floating around. So, anyway, you know, I was kind of counting on you to maybe help plan this, but if you don't want to that's up to you. I just hope you won't feel guilty when me and Bubbles are in jail and you know that you could have prevented a murder. Talk to you later.


Bubbles: That was a prick job!

Mrs. Peterson's Dog Gets Fucked Up

Mr. Lahey: You know, do you know what recidivism is Randy?
Randy: I don't have a clue Mr. Lahey.
Mr. Lahey: That's when people go back to jail over and over and over. I think we got a couple of A-1, class act recidivists up there.

Trinity: I shot my Daddy in the bum and Mommy's gonna get mad at me.
[Takes a bite of a pot brownie]
Trinity: These taste funny!
[Throws the brownie into the yard]


[Julian is driving Ricky and the dog after Ricky got shot and the dog ate weed brownies]
Ricky: It's not my fault. You're the one that left the dog with me. I didn't wanna look after him anyway.
Julian: Ricky, Ricky, I was gone for 45 minutes.
Ricky: Look, I'm bleeding to death here. Just get me to a doctor and shut up!
Julian: Oh, take you to the doctor. What's gonna happen? The police will get involved Ricky. Think!
Ricky: I don't give a - I'm bleeding to death here! you don't seem to understand that! Look at my ass!
Julian: I don't care about your ass Ricky! I gotta call Levi.
Ricky: Levi? Fuck Levi! I need medical attention!
Julian: Listen Ricky. If that dog dies I swear to God I'll let you bleed to death. Alright?!
Ricky: I don't give a fuck about the dog! Alright?
Julian: Shut up!
Ricky: What's more important, me or a dog?
Julian: Shut up!
Ricky: What's more important?!
Julian: Shut up!
[Julian dials Levi's number on the cordless phone]
Ricky: I'm fuckin' bleeding to death here!
Julian: Come on Levi.
[Levi answers]
Julian: Levi, thank God. I got a situation on my hands here.
Ricky: [to the dog as Julian is talking] You fuckin' asshole. What the fuck were you doing eating my brownies?
Julian: Ricky has a bullet in his ass and he fed the dog a bunch of weed brownies.
Ricky: I DIDN'T FEED THE DOG THE BROWNIES...
Julian: YOU FED THE DOG!
Ricky: ...HE ATE THEM!
Julian: SHUT UP! I'M ON THE PHONE RICKY!
Ricky: I NEED FUCKIN'...
Julian: SHUT UP!
Ricky: THIS IS FUCKED UP!!!


Desiree: See, now you can always tell something about a person by the way they treat animals. One hour with Ricky and the dog's on drugs.


[Ricky and Julian are trying to break into a barn to steal a riding lawn mower]
Julian: Here you go, break in.
[Hands Ricky a crowbar]
Ricky: Why do I have to break in?
Julian: Because this is all your fault and I'm in charge! Hurry up!
Ricky: It's your fault. You gave me the dog, you idiot.
Julian: Hurry up!
[Ricky takes the crowbar and pries the door open, an alarm sounds]
Ricky: Jesus Christ...
[Ricky draws a pistol and shoots into the barn, silencing the alarm]
Ricky: Who the fuck puts an alarm system in a barn? Fuckin' idiots!
[Ricky and Julian are struggling to push the lawn mower out of the barn, Ricky falls down and an inflatable raft falls down on top of him. He gets up and angrily slams the raft back up against the wall while the sound man leans over the lawn mower, attempting to catch it all]
Ricky: Hey retard!
[Ricky grabs the boom mic]
Ricky: Can you hear me? I need a hand in here! Come fuckin' help us!
[The sound man puts the lawn mower into neutral, allowing them to push it easily]
Ricky: Oh, it's in neutral now. Well sorry I'm not so smart. I didn't know that.


[Farmer comes out with a shotgun]
Ricky: Lets go. Whoa, whoa, whoa... who the fuck is that guy?
Ricky What do you want?
Julian: Relax Ricky.
Ricky What do you want?!
Farmer: WHAT'S GOING ON?!
Ricky: Nothing.
[Farmer shoots at them]
Ricky: FUCK! AH FUCK!
Sound Guy: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Julian: Get in the truck!
Sound Guy: I'M FUCKIN SHOT!
Ricky: Ahh, fuck!
[Julian drags sound guy in the truck]
Julian: Ricky, GET IN THE TRUCK!
Sound Guy: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK!
Julian: GET IN THE TRUCK!
Sound Guy: FUCK!
Ricky: Cover me man! I'm fuckin shot again here!
[Julian fires off shots]
Sound Guy: I'M FUCKIN SHOT!!!

I'm Not Gay, I Love Lucy... Wait a Second, Maybe I am Gay

Ricky: [to Cory and Trevor] Knock knock boys?
Trevor: Who's there?
[Ricky gives them two middles fingers directly in their faces]



[To Julian in a drunken embrace]\'\':
Ricky: We got this plutonium kind of love shit going and I don't wanna fuck that up, all right.



[As he is forcibly being escorted from bank]:
Ricky: I've been sexually assaulted here! That man tried to abuse me at a party.
Bank Manager: No that's not true!
Ricky: He feels up men and women all over the place. He's an asshole!



Ricky: The thing is when you're shopping for a ring you gotta take your time because you know it's my wife we're talking about. She's not gonna be wearing one of those Cubic Zarcarbian things-- she's gotta have a nice ring.*(While rummaging through stolen loot during a break and enter eating a cheese sandwich)*



Ricky: You know Jim or Jim knows you?
Cop: Jim.. Jim, my dad Jim?
Ricky: Jim's your dad? Oh yeah.. he mentioned he had a son on the force.
Cop: Yeah?
Ricky: Yeah, him and my dad go way back!

Who the Hell Invited These Idiots to My Wedding?

[On the prospect of marriage]
Ricky: After today we're gonna be a legal family. It's gonna be pretty cool, right, it's gonna be on paper and everything.


[after a brief shootout between Ricky and the boys]
Ricky: What the fuck's goin' on here?!
(They all come together)
Ricky: I just came in here for smokes. What the hell is goin' on?
Cory: Sorry dude. Man, I didn't know.
Ricky: (points at Trevor) You're stupid.
Ricky: (points at Cory) You're stupid.
Ricky: (points at Bubbles) ...You're a fuckin' idiot!
Bubbles: The fuckin' gun was broken!
Ricky: You could of killed me over there! What the fuck?!
Julian: Ricky, shut up! Ricky...
[Julian points Ricky towards the surveillance camera]
Ricky: Oh, for fuck's sakes!
[Ricky shoots the camera twice]


(the boys are rushing to get all the groceries in the truck before the police come)
Bubbles: I have to get the cart in!
Ricky: Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!
Bubbles: Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!
Julian: Come on Bubbles! Leave the cart!
[Ricky throws the cart away from the truck onto the road]
Bubbles: Come on!
Ricky: Get in the fuckin' truck! GET IN!!
Bubbles: (getting in the car) Jesus Christ!


Ricky: You know, I may not of done all the right stuff in my life. I've done smart stuff. But guys, maybe I shouldn't be commenting here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb. Alright? You're robbing a fucking grocery store, you didn't even tell me. I'm fuckin' on video tape now, firing handguns, with no mask on! You guys are fucking dumb!!
Julian:[grunting] Okay. Would you calm down.
Ricky: No, I'm not gonna calm down Julian!
Julian: Calm down!
Ricky: I'm pissed off! I'm pissed off at you (points to Bubbles), and especially you two dicks! (points to Cory and Trevor). You guys are really fuckin' stupid!
Julian: Ricky.
Trevor: Sorry man, but you were shooting at us too.
Ricky: I'm drunk! I'm really drunk, and I don't need this shit!
Julian: Ricky! Would you..
Ricky: I'm gettin' married tomorrow!
Julian: Would you shut up?! Everything's gonna be cool! Trust me!
Bubbles: [crying] Can everyone just please stop it.
Julian: Oh look, you're making Bubbles cry, Ricky!


Levi: You're all dressed up today.
Bubbles: Yeah. Got my tuxedo on. Hey, maybe you can fix my tie for me.
Levi: Yeah.
Bubbles: Tricked ya!
[Levi laughs]
Bubbles: It's not even real! 150 bucks for one of those real fuckers!


[while getting arrested at his wedding]
Ricky: Oh, for fuck's sakes. I can't beleive this shit. Julian, look at this shit! My wedding's all fucked up! Frig off! This is bullshit! Julian, what the fuck's goin' on here? This isn't my fault. There's alot more people here that are guiltier then I am, Trevor and Cory!


[while being taken away by the police]
Ricky: There's some illegal procedures going on here! I want this fucking camera crew arrested! I want you arrested for this. I want that sound man arrested. I want everyone arrested! Lahey, you're fucking going down for this, you jackass!
[brief pause]
Ricky: I'm pissed off over here!!
Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!


[Ricky and Julian in jail]
Ricky: For the first couple weeks that I came back to jail, I was still pissed off because, you know, they used all this documentary footage against us to convict us, and I was pissed off about the whole courtroom scene, and I shouldn't of defended myself, I know that now.

What in the Fuck Happened to Our Trailer Park?

[Cat looking at Ricky]
Ricky: (to the cat) What the fuck are you looking at, huh? Don't fuckin' stare at me!


Bubbles: Ricky just waltzes in there and becomes the king of the carts. The Fuck does he expect me to do for a living? What does he want me to do, go to EI and say hello there, i've been hauling shopping carts out of ponds and ive been doing it for 18 years...so give me a fuckin cheque please. That's not goin' to fuckin' happen. I haven't even paid into UI...EI..whatever the fuck they call it these days.


Mr. Lahey: (Drunk) Oooh, nice Mall-Cop uniform, Ricky!
Ricky: Don't even fuckin' start with me today, Lahey! I'm not in the mood.
Mr. Lahey: I beg your pardon; I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall-Cop like you, Rick.
Ricky: Knock knock.
Mr. Lahey: Who's there, Rick?
Ricky: Somebody.
Mr. Lahey: Somebody who?
Ricky: Somebody whose ex-wife owns the fuckin' trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor; 'cause you got fired from the police force 'cause you fucked up big time, but we're not gonna' talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin' liquor on ya' from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to fuckin' shit, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no fuckin' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole fuckin' life; now there's fuckin' shit everywhere in this fuckin' trailer park! Fuckin' idiot!

Jim Lahey Is a Drunk Bastard

Mr. Lahey: Listen, I was unaware that I had an appointment with you fine people today. As it turns out I have another engagement: I plan to get DRUNK!



[Ricky and Sam arguing]
Ricky: Knock knock.
Sam: Who's there?
Ricky: (gives Sam two middle fingers) Fuck off!



[Cory and Trevor are putting up signs for Sam Losco]
Julian: What are you guys doing?
Trevor: We're helping Sam.
Cory: Yeah man. We're gonna get a chance to screw Lahey over.
Bubbles: You guys aren't doin' well in the thinking department, are ya? Sam's a caveman, and he's a dick.
Ricky: And that makes you guys dicks, cause you're promoting him.
Trevor: He's gonna give us homemade hot dogs when we're finished putting the signs up.
Ricky: Well I'm gonna give you some homemade fuck-offs right now.
[Ricky gives Trevor two middle fingers]



Ricky: Hey Sam, knock knock.
Sam: ... whos there?
Ricky: Get the fuck off the stage, ya idiot!




[Lahey comes on stage to say his speech]
Lahey: Test.. test.. test.
Donny: GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU DRUNK BASTARD!!!

I've Met Cats and Dogs Smarter Than Trevor and Cory

J-Roc: (to Randy) You better back off you no-shirt, lawn-mowing, fifteen-cheeseburger-eating prick.

A Dope Trailer Is No Place for a Kitty

Ricky: It's a Catch 23 situation.


[Bubbles finds Ricky and Julian's dope plants in his burnt to the ground shed]
Bubbles: Oh, I think that's yours Ricky. Stupid f- (trying to hold back tears), stupid fucking dope plants!
Ricky: They're not dope plants, they're just.. some vegetables we were growing.
Bubbles: (sarcastically) Oh yeah. Yeah, I fuckin' beleive that Ricky.


[Bubbles finds his bubble maker melted]
Bubbles: Oh, for fuck's sakes! Look at that! That's my fucking bubble maker! That was the only thing I had, that my parents gave me before they fucking deserted me in this shed, which I don't have anymore! Now it's just a big melted, fuckin' lob of shit!


Bubbles: (to the camera crew) You guys wanna see some shit? Come watch this.
[Bubbles fires his sling shot at Sam]
Sam Losco: What the fuck?
Bubbles: Alright arsehole, clean up this fucking garbage!
Sam Losco: Now listen, get your fuckin' cats off my property, or I'm gonna call Animal Control and have 'em all put to fuckin' sleep.
Bubbles: Oh yeah? You think you could do it if you're fuckin' knocked out? Huh?!
[Bubbles swings a pair of numchucks at Sam]

The Bible Pimp

Tania: Have you read the bible?
Bubbles: Maybe I have maybe I haven't. What's it to you?
Hampton: Can you read my son?
Bubbles: Well that depends. Can you go fuck yourself?


Julian: I've had alot of time to think about this, and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line. I just wanted to say I'm sorry buddy.
[Julian hands Bubbles a jar of pickled eggs]
Bubbles: Yeah? Well, my whole life was in that shed Julian. Did you and Ricky think of that before you burged in and burned the fuckin' thing right to the ground?
Julian: Come on. This is getting ridiculous.
Bubbles: Yeah, it is ridiculous Julian.
Julian: Listen. Why don't you stop living in cars and vans and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place; a real home for once.
Bubbles: That shed was a real home, Julian. I loved that place. It was mine, it wasn't yours. You know what I mean? And guess what? I don't think I should be hangin' around with you and Ricky anymore either. Till you're done growing that dope. And don't think you can buy me off with a jar of those delicious things.

Mr. Lahey: Okay boys. rule #1: No living in a van in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.
Bubbles: J-Roc, you better straighten Panama Jack the fuck out right now.
J-Roc: Aight, here's what I'm talkin' about. You know'm sayin'? Know'm sayin'? Bubbles is renting this van for 12 dollars a month. You know'm sayin'? That makes this mafucka an income property. You know'm sayin'? And once me and T get power and water goin' on, then this mafucka gonna fall under the same juristictions as every other trailer up in this ma'. You know'm sayin'? So why don't you and that fifteen cheeseburger eatin' Rico Suave lookin' mafucka go on 'cause you ain't beatin' nobody! Peace.
[Tyrone laughs, slaps J-Roc's hand]
J-Roc: Oh, hang on.
[J-Roc leans his hear to Randy's gut]
J-Roc: Can I get fifteen half-eaten cheeseburgers to go?! You know'm sayin'?
[Bubbles laughs]
Bubbles: Talking to his gut like it's a person.


[Ricky spots Julian with Tanya across from his car]
Ricky: Julian? What the fuck's he doin' here? Julian what's this bullshit?! Fuck.
[Ricky and Julian get out of their cars]
Ricky: Why aren't you watching the dope plants you asshole?!
Julian: Calm down Ricky. We're just grabbing some take out.
Ricky: Take out my ass. It looks like you're on a date with cinnamon roll fuckin' head!

Never Trust a Man with No Shirt On

Electric Worker: Whoever did this is really stupid. You're dealing with a dangerous moron.
Randy: We know a guy who fits that description to a T, don't we Mr. Lahey?
Lahey: We sure do. Call me crazy, but do guys who grow dope ever do this kind of thing?
Electric Worker: You're not crazy, I see it all the time. Guys bypassing the meters so the cops don't notice the surge in the power bills.
Lahey: Bingo.
Randy: Cops and dope don't mix, do they Mr. Lahey?
Lahey: Like shit and strawberry shortcake, Randy.



Ricky: Randy, come back here for a second.
Randy: What's up, Rick?
Ricky: Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some jalapeno (pronounces it "ja-lap-ano") chips and two dollars worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.
Bubbles: Yeah, and get me some fuckin' gummy worms and stuff.
Randy: Gummy worms, okay. Jalapeño chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?
Julian: (shakes his head no)
Randy: Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?
Julian: (changes his mind) Yeah, pick me up a bag of "hal-a-peeno" chips.
Randy: Alright.
Ricky: "Hal-a-peeno?" What flavor is that?
Julian: Ricky, the J is silent. You're saying it wrong.
Bubbles: The J is like an H, Ricky. "Hal-a-peeno," not "ja-lap-ano."
Ricky: What in the fuck are you guys talking about?
Bubbles: "Hal-a-peeno!" That's how you pronounce it.
Ricky: I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' "ja-lap-ano!"

The Bare Pimp Project

[Bubbles as a lumberjack holding a camcorder, with a close up on his face, running through the woods breathing heavily stops]
Bubbles: UH UH UH... I ain't... I ain't never been so frisky in my entire life! UH UH UH
J-Roc [off camera]: CUT!
Bubbles: How was that J-Roc?



Ricky: I haven't seen Treena since her dysfunctional parents grounded her over something stupid.
Barb: How dare you speak to us like that!
Ricky: How dare you marry a money-hustlin' cave man.

Barb: I just popped over to tell you that Sam Losco proposed last night.
Jim Lahey: You gotta be kidding.
Barb: No. I think it's about time one of us tried to provide the girl with a stabled family atmosphere, where she doesn't feel like she has to pon her bike or deliver pepperoni to drug dealers.
Randy: And you think that you're the perfect parent?
Barb: Randy, you know when I want advice on cheeseburgers or not wearing a shirt you know you're the person I'll come to.

Kiss of Freedom

[Ricky slams on the brakes in front of the bank]
Bubbles: (to camera) Did you see that fuckin' skid?



[Ricky lights a cigarette in the bank]
Bubbles: Ricky, you can't fuckin' light up in the bank!
Ricky: I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! Thirty-eight grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!

[standing in line in the bank]
Ricky: I grew the fuckin' dope, it's my fuckin' money!
Bubbles: You can't scream 'dope' out in the bank.
Ricky: Dope! Dope! Dopety-fuckin'-dope-dope!
Bubbles: Here's security.
Ricky: Fuck.
Julian: Nice. Listen, I can walk out on my own, guys.
Bubbles: Perfect!
Julian: I can explain this.
Ricky: Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fuckin' cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!
Bubbles: Everybody calm down! We're leavin'!



Ricky: Holy fuck that's good pepperoni!



[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Lahey]
Ricky: Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, alright? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.
Lahey: That'll cost you, Ricky.
Ricky: Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.
Lahey: Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?
Ricky: I got lots of money, Lahey.
[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]
Lahey: Oh, I get it. Nevermind.
Ricky: Lahey, I've got my own money, alright? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by five o'clock tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.
Lahey: Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get five thousand dollars down.
Ricky: Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuckronauts.
Lahey: Yeah? And I don't trust you, shitbat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.
Ricky: Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow. That's some fuckin' collateral, isn't it?

Randy: You'll kiss his bare ass?
Ricky: That's what I said, dumbass.
Lahey: Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?
Ricky: Gimme a fuckin' pen!
Lahey: Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?
[Lahey hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]
Ricky: That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you a hundred dollars to fuck off. Leave me alone, just give me my trailer, and fuck off!



Bubbles: Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for... I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go and... Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the fuckin' thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really... he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.
Ricky: There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and its been a big part of my life, but... You know, its fucked me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like 'No, you're not fucking going anywhere because I'm gonna fuckin' stall on ya' and it pisses you off!
Bubbles: It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot, you shoulda saw her!
[the Shitmobile stalls out]
Ricky: Yeah, you know what's comin', don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!
Bubbles: You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that ol' Yorker.
[Bubbles unwraps a Tootsie Pop]
Bubbles: Purple!



Lawyer: I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.
Lucy: This is the guy, right here. The guy in the track suit.
Ricky: Who in the fuck are you?
Lucy: He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.
Ricky: And I'm a Fuck Off-er.
Lawyer: Richard, hi, I've heard so much about you. (hands Ricky some papers)
Ricky: What the hell is this?
Lawyer: Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.
Ricky: You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? (hands the papers to Bubbles) A lot of big words there, man.
Bubbles: Three years' child support payments you owe, Ricky.
Ricky: Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies makin' up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father am I, Trinity?
Lucy: Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, okay?
Ricky: Some do!
Lawyer: I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.
Ricky: (over megaphone) Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college readin' and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be bangin' him!



Ricky: Trevor and Cory, what the fuck are you guys doing? I spent two grand on fireworks and I want to see some fuckin' fireworks! Come on!
[standing on the hood of the Shitmobile with fireworks going off behind him]
Ricky: Alright everybody, fuck it! We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna eat donairs tonight! And I plan on getting drunk as fuck tonight! Drunk as fuck!



Julian: So, Luce, can I ask you something?
Lucy: Yeah, what?
Julian: What's up with this lawsuit thing?
Sarah: Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.
Lucy: I figure that a law suit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.
Sarah: No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.



[Bubbles is vacuuming the dirt off of Ricky with a Dustbuster]
Ricky: Just a second, buddy.
[Ricky walks into Bubbles' shed to pee]
Bubbles: Ricky, Jesus. You might want to close the door.
Ricky: (to camera crew, drunkenly) Hey, stop fuckin' filming me in here!
[The camera crew zooms in on Bubbles]
Bubbles: The fuck are you filmin' him pee for?
Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera!
[Bubbles starts vacuuming Ricky's back while he pees]
Ricky: (to camera) Fuck off!



[after knocking Cory and Trevor off of Julian's ice cream bikes]
Ricky: Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal, and fired a few shots at them. the way I see it I bought the bikes, I own 'em. Just like owning a target. You shoot at that, I shot at the bikes. Then Julian's got this attitude and fires a bullet at my brand new car! Real nice! So I fired a shot at his new car. Spy for a spy, that's the way it works around here.



Mr. Lahey: Alright everybody, clear the area! Hand over the weapons, Bubbles.
Bubbles: Go fuck yourself, Lahey!



Ricky: Well, I think somebody has been talking to Trinity and they've misleaded her around and basically they said that, you know, I'm drunk and stupid all the time, which isn't the case. Once in a while I get drunk, once in a while something comes out of my mouth that may not be the smartest thing in the world, but she shouldn't be worried about growing up drunk and stupid like me. That's not gonna happen. She's already smarter than me, you know, and she's only like nine years old.



Lahey: Where's the five grand, Ricky?
Ricky: It's right here, Shitler!



Saleswoman: Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for a 'Ricky'? I have his encyclopedias.
Ricky: Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!
Saleswoman: Hi, sweetie!
Ricky: So what's the damage?
Saleswoman: Well, with tax it is forty-seven hundred twenty-eight thirty-three, and that is the cash price.
Ricky: What? For a bunch of fuckin' books?
Saleswoman: Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...
Ricky: Oh no, shhshhshh no no no... I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fuckin' printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!
Lahey: Is that all the money you got, Ricky?
Ricky: Well, I got... I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.
Lahey: Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?
[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the encyclopedia saleswoman]
Cory: Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass kissin' time, man! Right on!
Trevor: You deserve this, Ricky!
Sarah: My God, Lucy lets... let's get Trinity out of here right now.
Lucy: Ricky, you did the right thing.
Ricky: Let's fuckin' get this over with, Lahey.
Lahey: (unbuckles his belt) It would be my pleasure, Ricky!
Ricky: Jesus Christ...
Lahey: Pucker up, boy! (pulls his pants down)
Randy: Make it a quick one, Ricky!
Ricky: Bite me, Randy.
[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Lahey a peck on the ass]
Randy: That's enough!
Trevor: I can't believe he did that!
Cory: Damn, that's sick, dude!
[Ricky spits]
Trevor: I can't believe he did that! That's friggin' gross, right?
Lahey: (barely containing his laughter) Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!
Randy: Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.
Julian: Leave him alone.



Bubbles: Nobody really knows Ricky the way I do. I just hope he's alright after putting his lips on Mr. Lahey's bum.



[watching an episode of The Littlest Hobo]
Ricky: Every stop I make, I make a new friend...

Temporary Relief Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor

Ricky: I haven't stolen a ten speed in over 2 years.


Bubbles: Well, when I was a little guy, I always wanted to go up into space, be a space-man. But you gotta be able to see really fuckin' good to do that job. Some guy would take one look at me and say... 'uhhh, sorry sir, you gotta be able to see a little better than you'... I don't give a fuck.


Ricky: Knock Knock
Bubbles: Who's There Ricky?
Ricky: A boot-legger...a boot-legger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it..cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation
Julian: Putting you in an awkwardly situation?
Ricky: Yeah I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.
Julian: Well of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!


Randy: Ricky, you better be careful with my walkie!
Ricky: It's not your walkie now, it's mine! You're suspended...so fuck off!!
Randy: It's still my walkie, Ricky!
Ricky: I guess you didn't hear what I just said. First thing I said was, "It's my walkie now", second thing is "You're suspended", and the fourth thing was, "FUCK OFF"!


Mr. Lahey: Strike 3, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.
Ricky: I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.
Mr. Lahey: Ricky..
[Ricky throws Randy's walkie into the vodka pool, Bubbles laughs]
Randy: You just crossed the line, Ricky!
'[Randy attacks Ricky, they tackle each other into the vodka pool, spilling it]

If I Can't Smoke and Swear I'm Fucked


[Ricky is sleeping on the hood of his car/home during during the daytime, his daughter runs up to him.]

Trinity: Daddy, wake up! Wake up daddy, wake up, wake up! It's time to put my patch on, hurry up daddy.

[During a 'confessional']"

Ricky: Trinity has Got to quit smoking, like i can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous.

Ricky: She had the idea, that maybe me and her can quit together, and it's kind of like a good father daughter thing, so we're going to quit together, we're going to go on the patch.



[Ricky is training Cory and Trevor to steal gasoline.]"

Ricky: Unleaded - blue container, supreme - red container, diesel in the green. Okay? are we clear here guys?

Trevor: Yeah but how can you tell which one is the supreme?

Ricky: (Breathes out heavily) What are you stupid? you fucking taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.

Bubbles: Stealing gas why Cory and Trevor that's highly illegal, you shouldn't be stealing gas Cory and Trevor.

Ricky: Yeah its fucked up to be stealing gas like Cory and Trevor, I don't want anything to do with Cory and Trevor's gas stealing.

J-ROC: Only whacked suckas like Cory and Trevor steal gas..... and deal dope.



Ricky: Simply went in to buy some patches for my daughter and all the sudden my gun was out, which is no big deal, and he overreacts, freaks out, thought we were robbing the place. It's on fuckin' video camera, so since it's on video camera I decided that we should take a bit of shit. If we're gonna go to jail for robbing the place, I mean it's... [a dog starts barking in the background] Will you shut the fuck up, dog! [the dog yelps] Gonna be, you know, in a place that looks like you robbed it, you might as well take some shit. That's the way it is. I'm not going to jail for not taking anything, for robbing a place. So we took a bit of stuff!



Judge: Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.

Ricky: Thank you, Your Majesty.

Judge: And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed, but please remember to watch your language.

Ricky: Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my grade ten, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, and I'm ready to fuckin' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked! And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bullshit! It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a fuckin' mistrial.

Prosecutor: This man can't represent anyone... Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!

Judge: Now although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.

Ricky: Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.


[Ricky walks over to the prosecutor's desk and snaps his fingers]
Ricky: Let's go, smokes!
Prosecutor: But I've only got two left!
Ricky: I don't care. You've been a dick all morning, it's the least you can do for me!
Prosecutor: Oh, for the love of god...


[Several members of the prosecution start to light cigarettes]
Judge: Just the defendant, please.

Ricky: My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fucking grin off his face because it's distraculating my case.



Ricky: The defense rests, everybody can fuck off. Except you (points to the magistrate) I didn't mean you. But those two guys, and him (pointing to the prosecutor). (to camera man) Could you guys get the fuck out of the way? Please!



J-ROC: There's two things mafuckas gotta know about J-to-the-R-O-C, straight up, you know what I'm sayin'? First of all, I spin more rhymes than a Lazy Susan and I'm innocent until my guilt is proven. Peace. Representin' Sunnyvale, straight the fuck up.

Who's the Microphone Assassin?

[Bubble's Rap]
I got a grey kitty, white one, and a tabby too/
And a big orange guy who put snakes in my shoes/
Mad MC skills, leave ya struck, and I roll with ma kitties, and I'm hard as fuck/
I am down with Plato and Socrates/
And I like to get busy with all the ladies./
Grunt, grunt/
somethin', somethin', somethin', somethin'/
Grunt/
Up in my shed, up in my shed...ya bitches

Closer to the Heart

Ricky: Helix was a wicked concert. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert. I mean, they had good lyrics like, "Gimme an R-O-C-K", and the crowd yells "ROCK" really loud. Now that's a fuckin' concert!
Bubbles: I'm not giving anyone a fuckin' R!
Ricky: Rush just don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about how trees are talking to each other and how different sides of your brain works, or outerspace bullshit.
Bubbles: Gimme a fuckin' R...



Bubbles: Lahey, will you please get the flyin' fuck out of our way! We gotta go get Rush tickets!
[Ricky drives the Shitmobile through the garbage]
Randy: Ricky!
[Bubbles gives Lahey and Randy the finger to the opening riff of "Limelight"]



[Randy over phone/radio after stealing Bubbles answer and winning the Rush radio contest]
Randy: Holy Fuck Mr. Lahey, we won!



Ricky: What the fuck are you guys doing here? You following us or something?
Cory: Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?
Ricky: That's a god idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.
[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]
Ricky: There's no fucking dope in town you idiots!
Trevor: Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise money and double it up, man. We can do it!
Julian: Alright, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.
[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]
Cory: Nice!
Ricky: You sure about this?
Julian: I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!
Cory: That's cool.
Julian: I think I can get us some dope, man.
Ricky: Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?
[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking garage]
Ricky: How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?
[Another cop walks up, Ricky gives him money, the cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky]
Ricky: Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way over-charge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.



Bubbles: Ricky, you fuckin' promised me you'd get me a Rush ticket!
Ricky: It wasn't my fault, Bubbles. I'm sorry!
Bubbles: It is your fault! This could affect our friendship, you know!
Ricky: Bubbles, don't talk like that!
Bubbles: COCKSUCKER!



Bubbles: Julian, this isn't about the money, you know. Don't you guys ever think of the music? That's what this is about. Remember 'Closer To The Heart'? Remember how good the fuckin' concert was in '87?
Ricky: That was awesome, man. Remember we got kicked out during 'I Like To Rock'? Then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry? That was fuckin' wicked!
Bubbles: That was fuckin' April Wine, Ricky, but that was a good fuckin' concert.



Julian: Don't do anything stupid, Ricky!
Bubbles: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. He probably won't do anything stupid, Julian...




[Ricky walks up to a hotel front desk with a beat up old guitar]
Desk Attendant: Welcome to the Prince Elliot.
Ricky: How's it goin'. I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key please?
[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]
Ricky: Most rock stars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to talk to, but for some reason, Alex wasn't.
Ricky: I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Alex Lifeson: Look, look, I'm not a ticket agency, I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.
Ricky: You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!
Alex Lifeson: I'm sorry.
Ricky: He's just one of these guys that, 'Hey, I don't want to talk to anybody,' and 'I'm a big fancy rock star,' and 'you can't talk to me!' So, it pissed me off!
[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]
Alex Lifeson: Hang on a second, man! Hang on!
[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]
Ricky: Let's go. No fuckin' around here. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.
Alex Lifeson: Come on, give me a break!
Ricky: Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.
[They walk into the lobby]
Ricky: Hotel Security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!


Ricky: I may have called him a male prostitute. I don't remember exactly, but very well he could be a male prostitute. You don't know that. But he got pissed off at me, saying 'Oh, you kidnapped me!' It wasn't kidnapping, so if he's gonna say I kidnapped him, I'm gonna call him a male prostitute.



Alex Lifeson: Where are we?
Ricky: The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?
Alex Lifeson: This is totally kidnapping.
Ricky: This is not fuckin' kidnapping!
Alex Lifeson: This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.
Ricky: I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!
Alex Lifeson: I don't do that kind of stuff!
Ricky: Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this kind of shit!
Alex Lifeson: Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!
Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Alex Lifeson: You are crazy!
Ricky: It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'...
Alex Lifeson: You're gonna go to jail for a long time for this.
Ricky: No, I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?
Bubbles: Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and "stole" a human being!
Ricky: It's like a little rehearsal. You play a couple of songs then you can go back to your little dreamworld or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playing your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.



Julian: Hey, buddy.
Ricky: Julian! I came through, buddy! Where's Bubbles?
Julian: He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...
Ricky: I got better than tickets. Check this out.
Julian: Ricky... Ricky... This... You're from Rush.
Ricky: Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is Ju... ah, Gord, uh, Downie. (to Julian) This is Alex. Hey, play 'I Like To Rock'.
Alex Lifeson: That's April Wine.
Ricky: Well, play that Diane Sawyer song! Just fuckin' play somethin'!



[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]
Julian: I'm sorry about all this shit, man.
Alex Lifeson: okay. It's alright.
Ricky: Fuck that! Don't even worry about him!
[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cabbie where to go]
Ricky: Fuckin' shove me...
Alex Lifeson: (to cabbie) I'm going downtown.
Ricky: You got enough money? Here's another dollar thirty-six there, dicktree!
[Ricky throws the coins at his feet, Julian helps him pick it up]
Alex Lifeson: I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!
Ricky: Just get the fuck out of here, wouldja?!
Julian: You fucked up big time!
[Alex gives Ricky the finger as the cab drives off]
Ricky: (to Alex) Yeah, fuck off!
Julian: Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger!
Ricky: He fuckin' started it!



Alex Lifeson: Sorry, Randy? I got this t-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage, during the guitar changes?
Randy: No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.
Alex Lifeson: Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.
Randy: Never do.
Mr. Lahey: Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.
Alex Lifeson: Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.
Mr. Lahey: He doesn't wear shirts, not even in the winter time.



[Alex is in his dressing room, playing Red Barchetta]
Ricky: What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?
Alex Lifeson: Oh, not this asshole again! What are you doing with my clothes?! (to Julian) I thought we had a deal here! No cops?
Ricky: Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.
[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]
Randy: Alex, we're on in four...
Alex Lifeson: Oh, great.
Randy: I'm fuckin' tellin'!
[Randy runs out of the room]
Ricky: You fuckin' asshole!
Randy: Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!
Ricky: Fuckin' dicks...
Alex Lifeson: Guys, please. Gimme a break, here. I gotta get back on stage, I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes right now!
Ricky: What the fuck's wrong with track pants?

Where in the Fuck is Randy's Barbeque?

Julian: Randy, a lot of barbeques look alike you're probably on drugs or confused or something like you usually are.


Bubbles: Check this baby out .. that there's called the Super Double Bunk BQ .. built that myself ..... like to see the Red, Blue, Green Cock sucker put one of those together .. Duct taping it.


Bubbles: Ricky, those laws are there to protect kids, not so goofballs like you can put them in the car with no door on it, and drive around the fuckin' neighbourhood stealin' barbecques!


Ricky: What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumble bee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?
Mr. Lahey: It's none of your Goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.
Randy: No! Mr. Lahey, we wern't rehearsing for a play.
Mr. Lahey: We were practicing Randy.
Randy: It's not Halloween, we're not doing community theatre.
Mr. Lahey: Randy..
Randy: Were consenting adults. And what we do in the privacy of our own home is... is fine, Mr. Lahey.
Mr. Lahey: (quietly) Randy, please.
Randy: And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun, ...and that, we're a couple. Hey everybody! We're gay!
Ricky: (shocked) What?
Randy: Say it Mr. Lahey. It feels great.
Mr. Lahey: Alright Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody ... I'm gay.
[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who akwardly turns away]

The Delusions of Officer Jim Lahey


Randy: I'm making Mr. Lahey some comfort food. I picked these buttercups and froze them in ice cubes, I saw it on "Designer Guys"... great show!

J-Roc: Hey look T, it's Starsky and Gut!

J-Roc: I gotta question for you if you know what I'm sayin' Free Willy do cheeseburgers ever blow out of that blowhole of yours?

A Shit Leopard Can't Change Its Spots

Ricky: The fastest way to get money is to steal a bank machine. It doesn't take rocket appliances.


Mr.Lahey: Well Rick, looks like you fucked your shit goose this time, doesn't it?


Mr. Lahey: See this line?
[Lahey draws a line across the ground with a stick]
Mr. Lahey: That's the freedom line, Ricky. You come back over that line, and you go to jail.
Ricky: Uh? Like what, like this?
[Ricky continuously goes back and forth over the line]
Ricky: Like that? Am I going to jail now? Huh?


Ricky: Once a criminal, always a criminal, huh? That's what everybody thinks? Cause if that's the case, I might as well just march my ass back to jail. Where it's nice and warm. I'm gonna spend the fuckin' winter there, getting drunk and stoned, with good dope.
Mr. Lahey: Is that the end of the great Sunnyvale Trailer Park eviction speech, Ricky?
Ricky: Actually, it's not. Hope you're fuckin' proud of yourself, cause the end of my speech is..
Ricky: (points middle finger to Lahey) Fuck you.
Ricky: (points middle finger to Randy) Fuck you.
Ricky: (points middle finger to Erica) Fuck you.
Ricky: (points middle finger to Julian) Fuck you.
Ricky: Fuck everybody!


Ricky: (to Julian) Have fun on your little cop cruise, all right? Just remember what you gave up: A fuckin' guy that you could get drunk with, get stoned with, didn't ask any fuckin' questions about nothin', just hang out and have a good fuckin' time. We broke the law here and then, we did whatever we could to get by. Just remember, you gave that up for a fuckin' girlfriend, buddy. A fuckin' cop girlfriend! I know I won't forget it. Thanks alot.
Ricky (to Bubbles) Sorry buddy. You have a good time on the cruise. You deserve it. Everybody else can fuck off!
Bubbles: That was a good speech, Ricky.


[Ricky stops off at a gas station with a cigarette]
Jacob: Excuse me, sir. Could you please step 20 feet away from the pump and estinguish your cigarette?
Ricky: Can you please fuck off? Thank you.


[Ricky stops at a Tim Hortons parking lot, climbs on top of his car, trying to get arrested]
Ricky: Hey everybody! Come on over here, please?
[Ricky grabs a few people's atention]
Ricky: I just want you guys to know that I am drunk as fuck, driving around town drunk, I'm on dope, and I want you to call the police. I wanna go back to jail. Please?
[Ricky pulls out his handgun]
Ricky: Not only that, but I got a loaded hand gun right here. I'm gonna start firing this off. So please call the cops.
[Ricky fires two shots as the people run away]


[upon seeing the police headquarters with a sign that says, "closed for renovations"]
Ricky: "Closed for renovations"?! This is fucked!


[Attempting to distract Ricky]
Bubbles: Holy fuck, have you guys ever tried that dope-flavoured rum?

"The Darkest One" music video by The Tragically Hip (2003)

[Featuring the Trailer Park Boys]

[Video opens with Bubbles & Julian running over to Ricky who is passed out, face down in the driveway.]

Bubbles: Ricky! Ricky! Ricky, get up!
Julian: Ricky, get up!
Bubbles: Ah, he's drunk as hell, Julian! We gotta go steal a motor, Ricky.
Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about, Bubbles?
Bubbles: Gord's gonna give us some chicken if we get him a new motor.
Ricky: How much chicken?
Gord: One bucket.
Ricky: One bucket, are you fucked in the head?! I can easily fuck over like 10 pieces of chicken...not one bucket.
Bubbles: Oh, we didn't know you meant one bucket. I can eat a fuckin' bucket myself.
Ricky: Alright, here's the deal...I want two buckets of chicken...I want some gravy, mashed potatoes, fries...
Bubbles: Yeah, macaroni salad...
Julian: Chocolate cake...
Bubbles: Warm buns, butter, coleslaw...
Gord: ONE...BUCKET!
Ricky: Two buckets of chicken and a drive to the liquor store.
Gord: Deal.

Never Cry Shitwolf

Bubbles: J-ROC! Listen, Julian got out of jail early, he doesn't even know we're growing weed. I gotta create a distraction, J-ROC. Can you please let me say we got this car for him as a present?
J-ROC: Bubbles, this is my brand-new whip, ma-fucka! Don't do that to me, you know what I'm sayin'?
Bubbles: Come on, J-ROC! I'm in a jam. I got an idea... Two grams of blonde Lebanese hash?
J-ROC: Let me check this shit out...
Bubbles: (drops the hash) Shit! (hands J-ROC the hash) Check that out.
J-ROC: Bubbles, that ain't even blonde, you know what I'm sayin' ma-fucka... (smells the hash)
Bubbles: It's dirty blonde, though! Look, it's got blonde streaks into it, it's Lebanese...
J-ROC: Alright, B. Don't say I didn't have your back, you know what I'm sayin'?



Bubbles: Julian, I'm craving some Chalet take-out. Come on, my treat?
Julian: Alright, alright!
Bubbles: And then we're gettin' drunk, alright?
Julian: Okay, thank you!
Tyrone: Man, Bubbles, man, I would like some chicken, man. Get me a quarter chicken dinner, extra gravy.
DVS: Fa sho'. Quarter chicken dinner, french fries, onion rings.
J-ROC: Chicken-rib combo, extra roll, B.
Bubbles: Boys, boys, come off it! This is distraction chicken I'm buying Julian!
J-ROC: Oh, so now I'm like, 'you got my whip,' you know what I'm sayin', 'but I ain't got no chicken!'



Mr. Lahey: Look, you might have my job now, Ricky. But I got something you'll never have.
Ricky: Yeah? What's that, Lahey?
Mr. Lahey: My Grade 11.


[Bubbles walks up to Randy while playing guitar drunk]
Bubbles: (singing) Fuckin' Randy's gut, it's full of dirty little cheeseburgers...



[bottle kids are walking down the street]
Ricky: (honks horn) Get over here you little f... NO NO NO NO NO! Don't throw bottles at me! Don't throw bottles at me ever, okay? Now listen up. I want you to hit lot 423, hit it hard, okay? You guys know what flaming shit bags are? Good. Throw some of those in the mix. I got two big bags of chips. I'll give you one now and one when you're done. Move it out, boys. (bottle kids run off) He can stick his Grade 11 up his ass.



Mr. Lahey: Are you really this fucking stupid?
George Green: Let's talk about stupid, Jim. I'm gonna put this in a way that even someone like you can understand. Rememebr the story of the little boy who cried wolf? In case you forgot, he was a little boy who cried for help because he said there was a wolf after him. Each time the people of the village came running, and each time there was no wolf. Eventually they got really tired of it. So when he calls for help beacuse there's a real wolf after him, nobody takes him seriously. Nobody comes, because nobody cares. Do you see where I'm going with this, Jim?
Mr. Lahey: George, I know it looks like I'm off the-
[George interupts him]
George Green: Listen. What we have here Jim is a shitwolf. Do you know what a shitwolf is? You never seem to have that crucial little thing called evidence. But each time you cry shitwolf, and each time I come running. No more Jim. Never again.
Mr. Lahey: G-
[George interupts him again]
George Green: Now, I want you to tell me what the moral of the story is.
Mr. Lahey: George..
George Green: No. Say it Jim. Say it.
Mr. Lahey: Never cry shitwolf.

Man's Gotta Eat

[Ricky approaches Bubbles while he's playing basketball]
Ricky: Bubbles. You really fucked up this time, didn't you?
(Voice over)
Ricky: Well Bubbles only plays basketball when he's really pissed off and stressed out so I knew it was a delicately situation that I approached, and, you know, I approached him like an adult.
Ricky: How'd you let things get so fucked up, anyway? You know I can't do it, I'm stupid.
Bubbles: What the fuck did you just say to me, Ricky? How did I let it get fucked up? You know what? You can take your assistant trailer park supervisor job, and all your EI papers, illegal mortgages, VISA statements, all that other bullshit that I'm involved in, and stick it right in there.
[Points to Ricky's ass]
(voice over)
Bubbles: I told him to stick his job and all the papers and everything up his arse, and he didn't even know what I was talkin' about, and then I said Julian left and it's his fault and he still didn't know what I was talking about, so I just got pissed off and I quit.
Bubbles: -I'm fuckin' quitting, that's it.
Ricky: Fine, fine, go ahead and quit, I don't care, but I can't give you your vacation pay until we get paid, you know that, when we grow the dope and we harvest it, then we get paid.
Bubbles: Well you can give me some chips in the meantime!
(Voice-over)
Bubbles: He owes me two hundred and sixty bucks vacation pay, he won't fuckin' pay that so I figured a handfull of chips wasn't too much to ask...
[Bubbles grabs some chips from Ricky's bag]
Ricky: Put half of those back.
Bubbles: I'm actually takin' more, Ricky!
[Bubbles grabs more, Ricky pulls the bag away]
Ricky: Fuck off, Bubbles, seriously!
Bubbles: (showing Ricky the chips) Look at that.
(Voice-over as Bubbles eats chips)
Bubbles: They were chicken chips, and I don't even like those, but I don't give a fuck.


Randy: You looking for a date? $10 bucks or 6 Dairy Queen coupons.


Ricky: Here's a little piece of hash, go to the stove, do some hot knives, get stoned, and get to work.
Randy: I can't get stoned, Ricky
Ricky: What do you mean? It's shitty work, everybody does that, alight? Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, fuckin politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the fuckin' roads. Get stoned, it'll be fun, get to work.


Julian: You're not prostituting yourself for cheeseburgers again, are ya Randy?
Randy: Man's gotta eat, Julian.

Ricky: (to a drunk, homeless Julian) You gotta come back to the trailer park, right now. I got a job for you, it's gonna be perfect; Assistant trailer park supervisor.
[Julian laughs]
Julian: (drunkly) Assistant.
Ricky: That's right buddy. 4600 bucks a year. Bubbles quit and I could use a hand. I'm gonna straigten all the shit out man, things are gonna be cool.
[Randy overhears]
Randy: Hey Ricky, I'm looking for work!
Bubbles: Fuck off, Randy!


Ricky: How's it going Randy? Did you get everything done?
Randy: Almost. Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right?
Ricky: No, Barb made these for me.
Randy: I want my friggin' burger, Rick!
Ricky: Randy, I'll get yours later. You didn't finish your job.
[Randy tries to take the burger out of Ricky's hand]
Ricky: Fuck off Randy!
Randy: Fuck you!
Ricky: You get the fuckin' chicken chips -
[Randy grabs the burger and tries to eat it as Ricky starts choking him]
Ricky: Fuckin' asshole! Give me that back you fuckin' dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it!
[Lahey sees Ricky from his back view, making it look like Randy is trying to perform oral sex on him]
Ricky: Get your hands of it! Get your fuckin' hands of it!
Randy: IT'S MINE!!
Mr. Lahey: [in shock] Smokey!
[Lahey trips and accidently shoots the arrow towards Ricky and Randy]
[Ricky gets shot in the back of his shoulder with the arrow]
Ricky: [in pain] FUCK!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! Ahh, Jesus Christ!
[Ricky takes out his gun and starts shooting aimlessly]
Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Julian: What are you doing? Give me that!
Ricky: I'm trying to shoot whoever fucking shot me!
Mr. Lahey: Randy, how could you do that?
Ricky: Jesus CHIRST!!!
Randy: Do what?
Mr. Lahey: What you were doing with Ricky.
Randy: I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.
Ricky: Is that a fuckin' bone arrow? You fuckin' shot me!
Mr. Lahey: It was an accident, Ricky. I was trying to shoot a blue jay.
Ricky: I'll show you a fuckin' blue jay!
Julian: Ricky, it was an accident! Listen, you can call the cops on Lahey for getting shot with an arrow, but he can call the cops on you for firing a handgun out in the trailer park. They cancel out.
Ricky: That doesn't even make sense, Julian.
Julian: It's even, Ricky!
Ricky: Look, I don't need to read "people" words to understand you or what it means to me but... something's fucked up here!
Bubbles: Hold still, Ricky.
[Bubbles lightly tries to pull out the arrow]
Ricky (in more pain) NOOOOOOO!!! FUUUCK!!!
Julian: Get outta here!
[Julian pushes Ricky away as he grunts in pain]
Randy: Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer!
Ricky: I never said doubles, Randy. I never said fuckin' doubles! Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips?
Julian: Rick, go home!
Ricky: (to Randy) Fuck you and fuck your cheeseburgers!
Bubbles: Everybody calm down!! For fucks sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?!

Rub 'N Tiz'zug

TV Narrator: The Sasquatch: Fact Or Fiction?
Ricky: Those big hairy monsters, they're real, Trin.
Trinity: No they're not.
Ricky: Look at that thing. What person ever moved like that in the history of people?



[Bubbles hears some rustling at his shed door]
TV Narrator: ...is nocturnal by nature, so logically there would be relatively few sightings.
[Bubbles sees a hairy hand trying to unlatch the door of his shed]
TV Narrator: Yet there have been literally hundreds of sightings all across North America for generations now.
Bubbles: (mouths but does not vocalize) Oh my fuck! (grabs his phone and dials)
TV Narrator: Can all these people be wrong?
[Ricky's phone rings]
Ricky: Trevor, stop fuckin' calling me, I got no dope... Oh, hey Bubbs! Man, are you watching that documentary on Saskatchewans?
Bubbles: It's "Samsquamtch" Ricky, and there's one right outside my fuckin' door right now, he's trying to get into my shed!


Bubbles: Boys, I feel like I got hit by a fuckin' dump truck. How much would a massage thing cost me, do you figure?
Julian: Massage...
Ricky: Look, Julian, I know I'm dumb as fuck and stuff, but why can't we just steal more furniture and fill up these trailers with furniture and fuckin' open like a used furniture store or some shit?
Bubbles: Used furniture store's not a bad idea, Julian. Keep Lahey and Randy distracted, make a few bucks...
Ricky: Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once.
Julian: We're gonna fill the trailers up with furniture all right, boys, but we're gonna rent them out by the hour.
Bubbles: Aw, that's greasy.
Ricky: That's really fuckin' greasy.
Julian: Yeah, it's greasy.
Bubbles: Gree-hee-hee-heasy!



Ricky: Holy fuck boys Cyrus #1
[The boys start vandalizing Cyrus' car]
Bubbles: It says "Dick" and there's an arrow pointing right to Cyrus.



Julian: What do you think, Bubbs?
Bubbles: Well, I don't know much about this stuff, Julian.
DVS: They're good hos, man. They're good hos, I'm tellin' ya.
Bubbles: What other choice do we have? He says they're good hos...
Julian: Alright, alright, done. Three o'clock.
DVS: I'll see you then. I'll be waitin' here, with the hos, homey.
J-Roc: Peace out, slingblade!
Bubbles: It's not a sling, J-Roc, it's duct tape. Just get the hos!



J-Roc: Like, I'll go to fuckin' jail, you know what I'm sayin', 'cause I'm hard, right? I ain't shook about goin' to jail. But it's like, I kinda like my freedom, too, at the same time, know what I mean?



Phil: What are you looking at my gut fer?



[The drawers drop out of a dresser as they're stealing it from a hotel]
Bubbles: AW YEAH! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!



Donny: GET YOUR HANDS OF IT! I PAID FOR A LADY, NOT FUCKING CORY AND TREVOR!



Julian: J-Roc, where's this guy at anyway?
J-Roc: Chill out, Julian. Cyrus'll be here in a minute, ya know what I'm sayin'?
Julian: Cyrus?!
Ricky: What the fuck are you doing working with Cyrus?
Cyrus: Well well well... If it isn't the big, tough Julianne... and the Hubble-bubble telescope... and helmet head.
Bubbles: (under his breath) Fuckin' call me a telescope...
Cyrus: Ladies! The boss is home... It's been a long time no see, dickweeds. (pulls a gun)
Ricky: Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus.
Cyrus: (chambers a round) Why don't we fuck on?!



Cyrus: I bet one of you isn't even man enough, to knock this chip off my shoulder.
[Randy comes through the car door and marches up to Cyrus]
Randy: I am, Cyrus. And I'm more of a man then you'll ever be, you dirty bitch!

The Green Bastard

Julian: Listen, why don't you try focusing on the weed a bit more, okay? Instead of being trailer park supervisor. You're fuckin' up, man.
Ricky: Sounds like someone's a little bit jealous about me being supervisor
Julian: No, no, those plants are getting huge Rick, okay? They're starting to scare me a bit.



Bubbles: I can't wait to start fuckin' hammerin' people! (shoulder-checks his shed door)

Bubbles: (as The Green Bastard) Boys! Green Bastard! Parts unknown! Cory and Trevor? Get the fuck in the ring!
Ricky: You look good, buddy!
Bubbles: Green Bastard!



Ricky: You don't wanna move the cars? Fine, boys! Well, I'm just gonna start pissin' in this general direction and if this car's illegally parked, it might accidentally get pissed on! Everybody want to see some pissin'?
Barb: Don't! Richard!
[Ricky climbs on the hood and pisses on the car's winshield]
Barb: RICHARD!
Berney Sanford: My car!
Ricky: I fuckin' warned them three times, Barb, and they wouldn't listen to me! They don't even believe I'm the trailer park supervisor, alright?!
Barb: Gentlemen, I am so very sorry about this!
Lahey: You're right Berney, he's the epitome of refractory!
Ricky: Tell 'em Julian! I'm the trailer park supervisor, here! You guys won't believe me! It's bullshit!
Berney Sanford: Jim, let me take this one. Ricky, you and me. Come on! (grabs Ricky's arm and leads him away)
Ricky: What the fuck do you wanna talk about?
Berney Sanford: You'll find out! What you've just done, pissin' on my car, you have crossed the line with me! I've had guys throw barbecues at me! They've broke the windows out of my car! They've cursed and sworn at me! But the bottom line is: I ain't shook! 'Cause if the Right Hook comes out, crazy motherfuckers like you get knocked out! Don't be lookin' me in the eyes, boy! I ain't got no candy for you! NO CANDY! Except for the Right Hook!



Bubbles: (as The Green Bastard) Cory Braidhead... He gets him set up for the clothesline... URRRH!! (clotheslines Cory) Oh my GOD! He fuckin'... Devastating! You alright, Cory?
Cory: Yeah, I'm fine.
Bubbles: I don't give a fuck, actually. (bodyslams Cory onto the mat) Get in here, Trevor! Come on!
Trevor: Forget that, Bubbles! I'm goin' home! (Cory sneaks out of the ring and they run away)
Bubbles: (puts his hand up for a high-five) Aw, come on, boys! Boys!


Donny: NO, YOU POUND SAND UP THE EYE O' YOUR COCK! CALM DOWN? YOU FUCKIN' CALM DOWN! WHO'S RUNNING THIS FUCKIN' TRAILER PARK?!

Conky

[opening monologue]
Bubbles: (talking to his cats) Listen up, guys. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately, but there's just to many of yas around, your parents have been banging like crazy... There's just so many of yas around right now and I've been losing focus because I'm in a lot of fucking pain! But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys. (sighs)

Ricky: (upon arriving at Bubbles shed) Cory and Trevor are fucking lazy! At least if we ask Bubbles to fuckin' fertilize the plants we know it'll get done.
Bubbles: (moans)
Julian: Shhh! Listen!
Bubbles: (distressed moan)
Ricky: What the fuck's he doing in there?
Bubbles: YOU COCKSUCKER!!!!
(the door flings open and hits Ricky in the face)
Bubbles: Oh my God, what happened?
Ricky: Bubbles, you just broke my fuckin' nose!




[at the 1st Annual Sunnyvale Trailer Park Bake Sale]
Lahey: (to camera) U.N. president J. Edgar Hoover once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."



Julian: Holy shit, Bubbles. Your face is fucked!
Bubbles: No, it's not that bad, Julian!
Julian: No no no no, you let that toothache go way too long. Here...
Bubbles: I can get 'er out, it's no pr...
Julian: No, open up, let me take a look.
Bubbles: No, it's no problem!
Julian: Let me take a look! Open up!
Bubbles: Julian!
Julian: Bubbles, open up!
Bubbles: (opens his mouth reluctantly, moaning)
Julian: Oh, yeah. Your jaw is totally infected, man. We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy!
Bubbles: No fucking way, Julian! I don't go to the hospital, you know that!
Ricky: You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm over fixing carts, Bubbles. You gotta go.
Bubbles: But, boys, I had Conky with me that time.
Ricky: Conky?! Don't even say that name! I hate that little fucker!


[explaining what "Conky" is]
Julian: In Grade six, Bubbles made this puppet he called Conky.
Ricky: What a little asshole!!
Julian: He took it with him everywhere. It was kind of like his confidant.
Ricky: His what?
Julian: Never mind. Anyway, we had to take Conky away because it fucked Bubbles' mind up big time.
Ricky: Yeah, it was like, even though Bubbles was Bubbles, he was two people at the same time as being Bubbles. And you know, he'd try to act like this other person that wasn't Bubbles, but he was still Bubbles. It was... It was fucked!



Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles! I got something for you!
Bubbles: Oh my God! Conky! Conky! Where have you been? Oh my God! Oh my God, I've missed you! I thought you were dead for sure!
Ricky: (to the puppet) I thought you were dead too, you little bastard!
Conky: Luckily I don't need oxygen to live under water like you do... STUPID!
Ricky: Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right now... (turns his attention back to the puppet) If you fuck with me Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you! I'm outta here...
Julian: No no no... (pulls Ricky aside) Ricky, Ricky, I need your help here! We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma.
Bubbles: What! A coma! A coma? I'm going into a coma? Julian I can't...
Julian: No no no, you're probably not gonna. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles!
Bubbles: What's it like in a coma?
Julian: Bubbles, why don't you ask Conky if it's okay to go to the hospital?
Bubbles: Conky, do you think... Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?
Conky: Well I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and... RICKY! (disturbed giggle)
Ricky: (to the puppet) Final warning there, fuckface. Final warning.



Nurse: [To Ricky] Sorry sir, theres no smoking [to Julian] and is this gentleman with you too?
Ricky: Yeah I'm fucking with him. Whadaya mean theres no smoking?
Nurse: [to Ricky] Uh, what is your problem sir?
Ricky: Well, now I cant smoke. That's my first problem, I got a busted nose which I now got a rag glued too, and a fucking truck glued to my hand. How's that for a start?
Conky: And he's fucked in the head! He needs a brain transplant!
Ricky: Hey, fuck you Conky!!!
Nurse: Do you have any other form of identification?
Ricky: Actually yes I do..[sticks up both middle fingers on both his hands, with the truck glued to his hand] That's called a double whammy! I only use that on special occasions. So you and your whole hospital can fuck off!




[after getting kicked out of the hospital]
Orderly: Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers!
Conky: Frig off, Washington! (to Ricky and Julian) Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is gonna go into a coma and die probably, ya idiots!
Bubbles: Conky, please, just don't taunt...
Julian: Bubbs, don't worry about it. I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?
Ricky: (pissing on the side of the hospital) Who can go fuck who's self? No, you fuck off, you little fucker!
Julian: Rick, who the hell are you talking to?
Ricky: Fuckin' squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off!
Bubbles: Ricky, you're hallucinating!
Julian: (pulls Ricky away from the wall) Listen, get a hold of yourself, Ricky... Ricky, you just pissed on me!
Ricky: Well you pulled me away!
Julian: Listen, just pretend you're on mushrooms, alright? Just go with it. Come on, let's go!



Randy: (while pouring Lahey a drink) Are you sure you want to use the community fund for this, Mr. Lahey?
Lahey: The cat population in the park is Malthusian in scope, Randy. We have no choice.




[while waiting in the car for Ricky and Julian to get back]
Conky: Well, well, well! What do we have here? Jim Lahey's car is at the vet!
Bubbles: What's Lahey doin' here?
Conky: Why don't you go find out, Bubbles? Or are you too scared?
Bubbles: Conky, you better fuck off, I'm tellin' ya!
Conky: Fuck off? You just remember I call the shots here, Bubbles. You got it?!
Bubbles: (submissively) Yes, Conky.
Conky: Good!




[at Sam Losco Veterinary Services]
Conky/Bubbles: Why don't you just off shoot your gun some more, very recklessly like... IDIOT!
Ricky: Did you just call me an idiot Conky, huh?
Conky: Maybe I did... REVEEN.
Ricky: Alright, Reveen is taking it a little too far, alright... you little fucker!
Conky: He's the Fuckin' Man They Call....
Julian: Don't say it Bubbles!
Conky: ...REVEEEEEEEN!
Ricky: That's it! I have fuckin' had it with you! (whips out his gun and points it in the puppet's face)
Julian: Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet!
Ricky: Yes I am.
Julian: Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles. Give me the gun!
Ricky: I gotta kill this puppet Julian.
Julian: Ricky, give me the gun. Give it to me!

(Julian manages to get the gun out of Ricky's hand)
Conky: Oh, those where excellent negotiation tactics you used... Patrick Swayze!
Julian: That's not funny, Bubbles!
Conky: (sings to the tune of Unchained Melody) Oh my Julian, my handsome Julian Patrick Swayze, (Julian pushes Conky away from Bubbles' face) you were so fuckin' sexy in Road House and fuckin' Dirty Dancing!

(Julian raises the gun and shoots Conky in the face, blowing his head apart, but avoiding Bubbles.)

Sam Losco: Smoking much dope lately boys? You guys are fucked!
Bubbles: Fuck off, Sam.



Ricky: Fuck, the cops are here boys! I got an idea. It's pretty fucked up, but it might work, okay?
Bubbles: Is that dog pee?
Ricky: Yeah. Hold this, Bubbles. I say we got about a ten percent chance of getting out of this one, boys.
Officer George Green: (over loudspeaker) Attention! This is the police! Put down your weapons...
Ricky: Is that George Green, boys?
Bubbles: That's definitely George Green!
Ricky: Wicked! Okay, forget what I said! Our chances just went up to ninety-five percent!




[at Conky's "funeral" at the swamp]
Julian: Alright boys, let's dump him in.
Bubbles: Wait, could I at least keep his sweater or his glasses?
Ricky: No way, bad idea, Bubbles.
Julian: Come on, Bubs, let's go. (Julian leaves with a tearful Bubbles)
Ricky: (tossing Conky in his "coffin" into the swamp) Fuck you, Conky.

If You Love Something, Set It Free

[while searching for the samsquamtch that's been destroying their weed field]
Ricky: Bubbles, hold the bernoculars. If this thing's down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him, then I'm gonna jump on top of the cocksucker with a net and we're gonna have to beat him with everything we fuckin' got.
[Ricky turns his attention to the camera crew]
Ricky: I could need some help from you dicks, alright?
[Ricky grabs the microphone boom and brings the mic close to his face]
Ricky: You hear that there, Mr. Microphone Man? If we get this thing down in the net, you fuckin' jump in and help us!
[Ricky pushes the boom away from himself, causing the sound man to drop the boom]
Ricky: Friggin' idiot.
Crew Member: Frig off, Rick!
Ricky: Don't tell me to frig off. Thing attacks you, I'm not even gonna jump in.
[Bubbles falls down while walking down a trail]
Bubbles: Boys, I slipped in poop! Bigfoot poop!
[Bubbles tries to catch a look at the bottom of his shoes]
Bubbles: Do I got Bigfoot poop on me?

[as they find the mountain lion that's been eating their weed]
Julian: Holy shit, boys, don't move! So that's who's been eating our weed...
Ricky: You little fucker... Okay, you guys stay here. I'm gonna throw the net on him, put him in a headlock, and choke him out.
Bubbles: Ricky, put the net down! You're not fuckin' choking him out!
Ricky: Why?
Bubbles: He's just a big kitty, boys! I can deal with this, I know kitties!
Ricky: What if he has radies?
Bubbles: Ricky, it's rabies, with a B, not "radies". And he doesn't have rabies. He's been eating weed for a fuckin' month! He's baked out of his god damn mind, I can tell just the way he's standing there. He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard print jacket on. See, he's just a big stoned, horny, kitty with the munchies! Trevor was eating chips, too! (pets the mountain lion) Who's a good boy?

Bubbles: You look kind of French with your little mustache, there. I'm gonna call you Steve French! That's a good name for you.

Bubbles: Julian, we found him!
Julian: Well, lock him in your shed, Bubbles.
Bubbles: He was down fucking around with Donnie's garbage, then he pooped on the hood of Mrs, Peterson's car!

Mr.Lahey: We know there's a fuckin' animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town! What the fuck's goin' on?
Ricky: What the hell are you talking about, Lahey, you idiot... (throws Lahey's bow over the fence) Look, this is none of your fuckin' business. You know what? We all know what's going on here anyway. You're trying to fill my feet. Guess what, Lahey? You will never, ever be the fuckin' trailer park supervisor I was. Got that? You're fuckin' losin' it, bud!
Mr.Lahey: You know what Ricky? You already lost it. It's gone, BUD! Whatever it is, whatever you are... Gone. He who looks into the abyss realizes that there's nothin' looking back at him and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand? Bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?
Randy: Means deep stuff Ricky, you wouldn't understand.
Ricky: What does it mean then, Randy? Huh? Fuck does it mean?
Randy: Oh, I understand it.
Ricky: Oh you do, do you? No you don't. 'Cause it's fucked. 'Cause everything you assholes say, you take from books. Guess what? I don't steal anything from books. You guys, get the fuck outta here! (pushes Lahey into the car) Get the fuck outta here, I'm serious! (throws a net on Randy) And take your little net with you! (pushes Randy into the car)
Randy: Frig off, Ricky!
Ricky: Oh, we caught a little animal, there's a big fuckin' animal in the trailer park! Fuckin' dicks. Gets the fuck outta here! (slams the car door)

[the mountain lion chases Trevor into Lahey and Randy's camper]
Mr.Lahey: Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer? (Lahey watches as the lion follows Trevor into the camper) Oh, shit! Trevor!
Randy: Stop, drop, and roll, Trevor!
Mr.Lahey: That's for fire, Randy!

Mr.Lahey: The shitabyss!
Randy: Mr. Lahey, not another night of the shitabyss, please?!
Mr.Lahey: Ah, fuck it.

Ricky: What's that fuckin' smell?
Julian: Keep driving, Rick.
Ricky: Steve, I know you didn't shit on my seat...
Julian: Nah, everything's cool, Rick.
Bubbles: Ricky?
Ricky: What?
Bubbles: Steve French pooped on the seat.

[After Bubbles emotionally said goodbye to Steve French]:
Bubbles: Are you guys crying?
Ricky: [trying to hold back his tears] No, we're not fuckin' crying!

Propane, Propane

Sarah: Ricky. I just wanted to come and tell you that Corey and Trevor are now mine!
Ricky: Sarah I'm so sick of your shit. I own Corey and Trevor and that's never going to fuckin' change!



Jim Lahey: Randy just doesn't understand. I mean I love him dearly but I hate Ricky more. I just don't wanna put up with that prick for the rest of my life. You know he grew up as a little shitspark from the old shitflint and then he turned into a shitbonfire and driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance he turned into a raging shitfirestorm. If I get to be married to Barb I'll have total control of Sunnyvale and then I can unleash the shitnami tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shitflames forever. And with any luck he'll drown in the undershit of that wave. Shitwaves.



Jim Lahey: *Drunk* Hey, Bubbles. I need a little (starts singing) Propane Propane. Time to start the flame. Propane Propane.
Bubbles: Mr Lahey.. You're pissing yourself.

Workin' Man

Lahey: Tic-toc Tic-toc. Shit clocks tickin' Rick.

Rita McNeil: *singing "Working Man" while harvesting marijuana*
Ricky: What in the fuck is going on? Can everybody please stop fucking singing?
Bubbles: Ricky, you're forcing Rita McNeil and her band to harvest dope at gunpoint... you could be a little fucking nicer!
Rita Mcneil: *handing a dope plant to Ricky* Here's a good one, dear.

Lahey: You are the dumbest cop on the force, George. The dumbest.

J-Roc: Ricky, what the fuck happend to your head man?
Ricky: Fucking Lahey blew me up! What happend to your head? Why your wearing a wig J-Roc? That's fucked
J-Roc: Yo I ain't J-Roc, that mutha fuka is in jail
T: Ya that's not J-Roc, J-Rocs in jail till the album drops!
J-Roc: That's right T

Dear Santa Claus. Go Fuck Yourself (2004)

Lucy: Merry Christmas, Jules. Got you a little something. A mistletoe belt buckle.
Lucy: (confessional) I made a special Christmas present for Julian. It's a... It's a mistletoe belt buckle.
Bubbles: You're supposed to smooch what's ever under mistletoe, so... It's not too hard to figure out what she's tryin' to say.



Ricky: There is nothing better than being in jail at Christmas. Guards let you party for twelve days straight, got no fuckin' work chores or book readin's or Christmas trees or giving gifts or fuckin' lights... Fuck all that bullshit! (To other prisoners) Let's get fucked up!
Guard: Ricky, you got somebody here to see you.
Ricky: What are you talking about?
[Bubbles is warming up as Ricky walks into the room]
Ricky: Bubbles! What are you doing here, buddy?
Bubbles: Hey Ricky! Julian bailed you out! You're out!
Ricky: What?
Bubbles: Get your stuff!
Ricky: No, Bubbs, no! I got twelve days of partying. Come back in twelve days, buddy.
Bubbles: Ricky, what are you talking about? Come on, we getting you out! Sign out!
Ricky: Oh my fuck! I don't wanna leave now! What the fuck's he doing bailing me out? Fuck! Thiebaud! Thiebaud, go get my shit. Apparently I'm out. Christmas is fuckin' ruined.



Ricky: I can't believe Julian bailed me out. I mean, he knows how cool it is in jail at Christmas and he ruined it anyways! Julian's up to something, I fuckin' know he is!
[The guard getting Ricky's things out of a storage room passes out, knocking over a shelf with a crash]
Ricky: Jesus Christ. Dougie! Fuckin' Chris passed out again!
[Ricky walks into the storage room and grabs his coat, the other guard walks in]
Ricky: I told you man, he's drinking rum and smoking weed! Keep him on the hash. Can't smoke weed and drink rum!



Ray: So tell me, buddy... What did you learn about being a man on the inside this time around, man?
Ricky: Dad, not this shit!
Ray: Not shit, Rick. I'm talking about your soul. And we're going to midnight mass tomorrow night too, boys, by the way...
Ricky: No...
Ray: Way it goes! What did you learn about being a man?
Ricky: Mostly just family stuff. I mean, well, a man is... is supposed to... always be thinkin' about stuff about his family and for to make himself to do things that are gonna good-er the family up-around and good-er it up. And that is what is a man.
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, no, you're, you're, you're right. But did you ever wonder why a smart guy like you is on this earth, Rick? Smart guy with a good soul, a guy who shouldn't be in jail?
Ricky: Dad, don't be dissin' jail. Seriously. Don't fuckin' dis jail.
Ray: I'm not dissing jail, Rick. I'm not dissing jail, buddy. I'm talking about your spirituality here, okay? Come on, spirituality!
Ricky: Dad, I write letters every year, you know that. I mean, I'm sending a letter off to the big guy tomorrow. So, it's taken care of. Done. No problem.
Ray: Huh?
Ricky: The letters... You and Mom got me to write them every year at Christmas. I'm sending one off tomorrow again.
Ray: To Santa Claus, Rick?!
Ricky: Yeah, the big guy.
Bubbles: The big guy?! The big guy? That's God, Ricky.
Ricky: Yeah, God. That's what I said. Santa.
Ray: Ricky, come on, you know Santa and God aren't the same guy, right?
Ricky: Dad, you didn't know that? I mean, think about it! How would he get around the world in one night? Of course he's the same person. Right, Bubs?
Bubbles: No, Ricky. Santa and God, that's two different things.
Ricky: What?...
Ricky: Oh my fuck! You know, I did maybe think that I fucked that up. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn't it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?
Ray: Ah, Jesus Ricky!
Ricky: But it'd piss him off!
Ray: Well, yeah, Ricky but... Man!
Ricky: You never mixed that up?
Ray: No!
Ricky: Bubs, you never mixed that up?
Bubbles: No, Ricky. I've never mixed that one up. Ricky, wait now. Were you counting on Santa to bring presents to Trinity?
Ricky: Yeah. What, Santa's not coming now?
Ray: No! Rick, no.
Ricky: Well that's fuckin' bullshit! Well I've got no presents! What am I supposed to do? I need presents for Lucy and Trinity!
Ricky: Great! Christmas is fucked!



Julian: Boys, get these trees delivered! Come on!
Ricky: Hurry the fuck up, we gotta go down to the mall! Fuckin' nerds...
Bubbles: (laughs) Nerds!
Julian: What the fuck are you guys doing? Huh? Grab a tree! Both of yas! One each!
Cory: You want one of these ones, er...
Julian: Just grab a fuckin' tree!
Ricky: Hey! Nerds! Let's go!
Trevor: Julian, I can't get the tree out, it's stuck!
Ricky: You can't get the tree out because you're a nerd! Why is there two nerds carrying one tree?! One tree per nerd! God damn fuckin' nerds!



Randy: Hey! Do you like to party?
Barb: Excuse me?
Randy: Do you like to party?
Barb: Oh my God! Randal? Are you a male prostitute?
Randy: Barb Lahey?
Barb: You are. You're a male prostitute and you've been drinking!
Randy: No, I'm not a male prostitute! I work construction down in Florida. I got time off for Christmas.
Barb: Randal...
Randy: Okay, I am a male prostitute and I've had a couple drinks.
Barb: Oh my God, you poor thing! Go on, get in my car and warm up. Do you like cheeseburgers, hon?



Randy: Simon?
Barb: No! No, this is Jim. And Jim, this is Randal. Well, Randy. He's gonna be staying with us for a little while. Just temporarily. I thought he could help you out around the park, you know, for a bit of food and a place to stay.
Lahey: Staying with us...
Barb: Well, yes. That is why I started the outreach program at the church! You just, um, you just make yourself at home, Randy.
[Barb walks out of the room]
Randy: Simon, you're married?!
Lahey: Don't you say a fuckin' word! And don't call me Simon. Please never call me Simon, always Mr. Lahey! Always. Always!



[exterior transition shot of the park, a dog is barking]
Woman: Shut the fuck up!
Man: Brenda, you shut the fuck up!



Ricky: The fuck was that?
Bubbles: Take a guess! What are sirens usually bolted to the roof of?



[Police officers arrive at the trailer park to confiscate stolen Christmas trees]}
Officer Cliff: Would anyone be willing to tell me who they bought their Christmas tree from this year?
Danny/Donnie: I DON'T KNOW... WOULD ANYONE HERE LIKE TO SUCK MY COCK?



Ray: Boys! Let's go. We have to get to church. Let's go.
Ricky: Dad, I can't go to church. Got a bunch of dope from jail and we're going down to the pool hall to make some money!
Ray: Ricky, it's Christmas. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.
Julian: Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I'm not going to church. I can't go to church...
Bubbles: I'm not going to church. I have no interest in going...
Ricky: Dad, I gotta sell my dope...
Ray: WAY IT GOES! Way it goes, boys.



Lahey: If I can't play, Randy, no one can.
[Lahey shuts off power to the trailer park]

[Jamie puts a record on]
Jamie: Tyler, have you ever tried marijuana?
Tyler: I don't know, Jamie. Marijuana's pretty hardcore.
Jamie: No it isn't. Everybody's doing it. I think we should try it.
[Jamie lights up a joint as the power goes out; the sound of the record slows down to a stop]
Tyler: That sounded pretty cool.



Bubbles: My God, Ricky! I think it's a letter from my mom! (reading letter aloud) Dear Bubbles: Merry Christmas. Sorry we're not there with you. It was the hardest thing we've ever done, when me and your dad had to pack up and leave you, but some very dangerous men were coming after your daddy, for his gambling, fighting and shooting his mouth off, drunk down at the legion. We never wanted to put you into any jeopardy so we had to leave fast. Hopefully some day you'll understand. P.S.: I've asked Julian's grandmother if you could stay with them for a bit. She said no problem, Julian would look after you. You're lucky you have a friend like Julian and that Richard boy who you try to help out with his school work.

Give Peace a Chance

Dennis: So, watch any good movies lately?
Ricky: I saw the director's cut, that was fuckin' awsome.
Bubbles: Ricky, that was Blade Runner: The Director's Cut. That's not the name of the movie.


[Terry enters the room and sees the boys with Dennis]
Terry: Dennis, what the fuck is going on here?
Ricky: (quietly) Jesus...
Dennis: Terry, can you do me a fucking favour and just chill out a little bit? Alright? Everything is under control.
Terry: This is a bad fucking day for this shit to be happening man. We got lots of fucking work to do.
[Dennis and Terry's grandma interupts and puts food on the table, they both bow in Japanese in thanks]
Dennis: Fuck, j-just chill out for a bit. Just sit down or somethin'..
[Terry sees the limo in their driveway]
Terry: You guys drove up here in a fucking limozine?!
Ricky: Yeah man. Isn't that awsome?
Terry: Oh my God.
Dennis: Boys...
Terry: I can't fuckin' beleive that shit.
Dennis: You guys should of parked a few blocks away because..
Ricky: [interupting] Guys, we're rich now, that's the way we roll. It's not a big deal.
Terry: Why don't you just put a sign on the front of the house, "We sell fuckin' hash here"!
Dennis: Terry!
Terry: Why don't you just call the fuckin' cops!
Dennis: [in Japanese] Ichy bundo mafucka yo!
Terry: Julian mafucka, yo!
Julian: What did he just say about me?


Ricky: Can you guys put some pants on or somethin'?
Terry: You're gonna walk into my grandmother's house and talk about my packgage?
Ricky: Well your packages are hanging out!
Dennis: Don't worry about our packages!
Terry: Worry about your own package, Ricky!


[Terry sees Julian holding his gun]
Terry: Jesus Christ!
[Terry pulls out his gun on Julian]
Terry: Julian, put down...
Bubbles: Boys!
Ricky: For fucks sakes!
Dennis: Boys!
Julian: I'm just taking a look at it.
Ricky: Julian, put the gun down!
Julian: [slowly] I'm taking a look at it.
Dennis: Fuck.
Julian: Don't point..
[Julian points the gun at Terry]
Terry: Don't point the fucking gun at me!
Dennis: Put the fucking guns down!
(As the boys continue arguing, Julian unintentionally points the gun at their grandmother as she's walking by with snacks, ignoring or unaware of what's going on)
Dennis: Don't point the gun at my grandmother!!
Julian: I'm just taking a look at it!


(Julian and Ricky are having a stand-off with Cyrus)
Cyrus: And give me those fucking guns too boys I gave those to Terry and Dennis for their birthday.
Julian: Guess what?
Cyrus: What?
Julian: (waves the gun in his face) This is my gun now so fuck off!
Cyrus: No, *you* fuck off!
Julian: No, *you* fuck off!
Cyrus: No, *you* fuck off!
Ricky: Cyrus, you fuck of first and then we'll fuck off!
Bubbles: Ricky. Just everybody - we'll all fuck off at the same time, calm down.
Ricky: I'm not fuckin' off.
Cyrus: Well then I guess we're gonna fucking stand still. Aren't we Ricky?
Ricky: Yeah, I know how to fix that.
Cyrus: How?!
Ricky: Fuck off!


(upon seeing his shed piled with liquor bottles)
Bubbles: It's a liquor lanch!


Ray: Cory and Trevor fucked you guys over big time, okay? That's what's going on. They fucked you over big time. They took all your money, it's all gone, you don't own the park, everything is fucking gone. They took everything boys.
[brief pause]
Ricky: [dumbfounded] Dad. I don't know if I understand you right here. You're saying Cory and Trevor... th-they fucked up?


Ricky: (to Lahey when he says he's sorry) Oh, you're fuckin' sorry are you? What do you wanna do, play a big song on the Magdalene? (imitates someone playing a violin with a bow) You're fuckin' sorry? Bullshit you're sorry. (Ricky appears to be confusing a mandolin with Mary Magdalene).

The Shit Puppets

Ricky: I'm sick of looking after everybody. I mean right now, I mean, everyone's at my Dad's place. Fucking using my car. Now he's borrowing my fucking gun. It's bullshit. You know if he thinks he's better then me, wants to go down, take care of himself then good 'cause I don't want to look after him anymore, and I'll look after myself. And when he gets back here he's gonna see who...fuckin' looks after who...better than...the other person.

Bubbles: Lucy got fake boobs. I mean...its obvious. I don't mean I was staring at them, but I can't exactly control what direction my eyes go in all the time. I mean obviously she used our money to buy them anyway so, if you think about it, I sorta own one third of them.

Ricky: Actually, Sarah, lets go with the milk.
Sarah: Let's go with the milk? What the fuck's that?
Ricky: Sorry...would you welcome me with a little bit of your precious milk, please? Is that better?
Sarah: Why, so that you can welcome yourself to all the cereal that I bought?

You Got to Blame the Thing Up Here

Ricky: Well I was plannin' on takin' the blame, cuz I mean there is a pretty good chance that I did it. Well, I mean I did do it. But Bubbles took the blame, so once someone takes the blame, whaddya do? I couldn't take it then, he had already taken it.

Jim Lahey Is a Fucking Drunk And He Always Will Be

[Ricky is making bacon on the stove in Ray's burnt-down trailer]
Ricky: Hey, Dad!
Ray: Hey, buddy.
Ricky: Cookin' some bacon for you, buddy.
Ray: Smells good, buddy.
Ricky: There's only three pieces left, but I'll give it to you so long as I can have the grease.
Ray: You can have the grease, buddy.
Ricky: Cool.
Ray: Bacon frying and the sparrows chirpin', Rick. It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.
Ricky: Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?
Ray: I'm talking about the sparrows, Rick. The sparrows in the Bible, buddy. You know, nothing to worry about. I'm not worried, the trailer's burned down, the sparrows aren't worried, nobody's worried.
Ricky: Sparrows are stupid, Dad. They don't give a fuck about anything.
Ray: Exactly my point, Rick. Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer, Rick. That's the point I'm trying to make this morning.
Ricky: Does ol' Goddy-boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playing VLTs?
Ray: I don't... What's your point, Rick? There's nothing wrong with playing VLTs and gettin' drunk.
Ricky: You want some fuckin' bacon or not?
Ray: Yes, Rick. I do. Rick, there's another point: We should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, because where do you think the bacon came from, Rick?
Ricky: From a cow.

[Bubbles smells the bacon cooking in his sleep]
Bubbles: Yes, can I order pancakes please...with syrup...and...butter...bacon...hash browns...toast...with...butter...
[A cat meows, waking him up]
Bubbles: Aw, fuck! That was gonna be delicious!

Ricky: Hey, Bubbs.
Bubbles: Hey, Ricky. Holy fuck that bacon smells good! Is there any extra?
Ricky: Only had a few piece, bud. I gave it to, ah, gave it to the old man.
[Bubbles looks to Ray, Ray shakes his head no]
Ricky: I'm doin' bread heels and grease, it's pretty good. You want half?
Bubbles: Of an old bread heel?
Ricky: Yeah, just dip it in the bacon grease. It's fuckin' awesome.
[Ricky holds out the pan, Bubbles reluctantly dips his half of bread heel in the grease]
Bubbles: You do it, too. You're not trickin' me, are ya?
[Bubbles takes a bite, a disgusted look crosses his face]
Bubbles: It's kinda fuckin' dry, Ricky. Have you anything to drink?
Ricky: A little bit left in that.
[Ricky hands Bubbles a burnt and melted plastic pint of liquor; Bubbles takes a sip and an even more disgusted look crosses his face, he hands it back to Ricky and Ricky downs the rest]
Ricky: You still pissed off?
Bubbles: Well, kind of.

Randy: I can't believe Trinity was throwing bottles, Mr. Lahey.
Lahey: Shitapple.

Randy: Well, it's... it's a little bit stressful, you know? I mean, Mr. Lahey's been doing really good. He hasn't had a drink since the day that he tried to kill Ricky and he had about forty-nine drinks that day. But lately, you know, he's been talking about liquor and calling me 'Bobandy' which he normally only does when he's drunk. So, just the thought of him drinking again, it scares the shit out of me.

[Over a department store loudspeaker]
Ricky: Mr. Lahey and Randy to the Fuck Off Department. Mr. Lahey and Randy to the Fuck Off Department and hurry the fuck up! Thank you.

[After getting caught stealing a rocket kit from a department store]
Ricky: I want to press charges, number one, for the front door out there. It's dangerous and I could have been killed going into the store.
Mall Cop: You can press charges when the cops get here. They're on their way.
Ricky: Alright, I will. We don't need to call the cops, I mean, you guys are smarter than real cops. You guys are mall cops! Why do we need real cops?

Ricky: The fake cheque trick works every fuckin' time. Basically, you figure out how much something costs, you just fill out one of the old man's cheques like this, and that way if you get caught, you just say everybody who's gonna pay. I mean, mall cops are really dumb compared to real cops, it's gonna be easy. In the worst case Ontario, if you get caught, you just cancel the cheque. You never have to pay. It's awesome!

Mall Cop: Alright, I'm gonna have to get some names, here.
Trevor: I'm Cory Lahey.
Cory: Um, Trevor Lahey.
Mall Cop: Are those your real names, boys?
Trevor: Yes, sir.
Mall Cop: Are they really?
Trevor: No...I'm Trevor and he's Cory. We were lyin'.

[Bubbles finds a spacesuit in his rocket kit]
Bubbles: What's this? HOLY FUCK, a spacesuit! DEE-CENT!!
Ricky: No way! Fuckin' decnals, man! Check those out!
[Julian brings a coffee cup and dog dish to toast with]
Julian: Drinks, boys! Drinks!
[Ricky takes the dog dish]
Ricky: Well let's make toast, boys!
Julian: To a good fuckin' time today.
Bubbles: This is a good time! (takes a drink) I'm gonna go put my spacesuit on boys, then lets get this dirty cocksucker in the air!

Ricky: Aw, man, that is fuckin' cool! Nice decnals!

Ricky: Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play space here? This is kind of stupid.
Bubbles: Come on, Ricky, look at this! This is awesome! Mission control this is Commander Bubbles. I'm getting an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main OMS firing to CDS at level six, please advise.
Julian: Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.
Bubbles: Try some, Ricky!
Ricky: (sighs) Breaker breaker, come in Earth. This is rocket ship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbinator in engine number 4, I'm gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. Uh, hopefully they got some space weed, over... How's that buddy? I don't fuckin' know!
Bubbles: Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!

Randy: Hey, boys! We got a complaint that someone was gettin' high and drunk and playin' space in the middle of the street!
Ricky: Yeah, US! I'm fuckin' stoned right now! You got a problem with that?

Bubbles: You guys wanna stay and watch? You wanna see a rocket go, Randy?
Randy: Does it really launch, Bubbles?
Bubbles: Does it really launch? Does the tin man have a sheet metal cock?

Ray: Randy, why don't you ask Jim where he's been for the last few nights between three and five or nine and eleven fifteen? Go ahead, ask him where he's going.
Randy: Well, he's playing bridge at the hospital, Ray!
Ray: Playin' bridge my arse! He's going down to the strip club gettin' drunk every night and tellin' everyone he's off the booze. And you know why, Randy? Because Jim Lahey is a fuckin' drunk and he always will be!
[Randy grabs Lahey's water bottle]
Randy: Gimme a drink!
Lahey: Randy...
Randy: Gimme a drink!
Lahey: Let it go, Randy!
[Randy lets go of the bottle and it splashes all over him as Lahey pulls away; Randy puts his tongue to the liquid that spilled on his hand]
Randy: It's vodka!
Lahey: Hundred and thiry-one proof, straight up. I'm fuckin' wasted!

Lahey: You just opened Pandora's shitbox, Ray!

Don't Cross the Shit Line


Ricky: I mean...nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli...but...I did. I'm ashamed of myself. The first can doesn't count. Then you get to the second and third. Fourth and fifth, I think I burnt with the blowtorch. And then I just kept eatin'.

The Winds Of Shit

Ricky: Dartmouth Regional Vocational School...Julian are you fucked in the head?
Julian: This is the perfect plan.
Ricky: Julian, this brain hardly got through grade 7!
Bubbles: The way I look at it, is you either go to school to learn things or to sell drugs. And Ricky is here to sell drugs.

Dressed All Over & Zesty Mordant

Ricky: Why don't you suck my cock, Trevor? How 'bout that, you skinny little fuckin weasel?

Ricky: Hey, Trevor, knock knock
Trevor: I'm not gonna say, "Who's there," Ricky.
Ricky: You just did, you fuckin idiot.
[Ricky rips off Trevor's pants]

I Am The Liquor

Mr. Lahey: That video game is the key to Shitty City, Randy, and Julian is muscular mayor.

Mr. Lahey: Randy... I got $100 here for groceries, I got $1400 here for liquor, and I got $6000 for you to go and bail out a couple of shit puppets. We might need a couple of more shit puppets for our play, and they gotta be angry shit puppets, Randy... and you gotta make em angry shit puppets, and you say whatever it takes to make them angry, but they're not angry at us Randy. Shit puppets are supposed to be angry at other shit puppets... take the bus.
Randy: Mr. Lahey, they could kill one another.
Mr.Lahey: Wouldn't that be nice.
Randy: Yeah, but we can't be involved with murder.
Mr. Lahey: (confidently) Exactly Randy.
Randy: Mr Lahey is this you talking or the liquor?
Mr. Lahey: Randy...
[Lahey takes a big sip out of his liquor bottle]
Mr. Lahey: I am the liquor.

The Shit Blizzard

[Julian hands Trevor a gun]
Trevor: Awwhh...but Julian this is a pirate's gun.
Bubbles: Well then I guess that makes you Long-John Dickweed then.


Mr.Lahey: You feel that Randy?
Randy: What, Mr.Lahey?
Mr.Lahey: The way the shit clings to the air.
Randy: What Mr.Lahey?
Mr.Lahey: Randy m'boy, it's already started.
Randy: What's started, Mr.Lahey?
Mr.Lahey: The Shit Blizzard.


Cyrus: What the fuck is that?
Dennis: I think it's a giant cock and someone's riding it like a cowboy.
Terry: Is that you Cyrus?
Cyrus: Can't you fucking read, Terry?! That's my name with an arrow pointing at it!


Ricky: Suck my cock bike!


Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Donny: FUCK OFF WITH THE GUNS!!
Donny: WELL DON'T FUCKIN' STOP ON MY ACCOUNT!


Mr. Lahey: Somebody's got to be on duty George. Who's the officer in charge, George? Who's the officer in charge here?
George Green: I thought you were in charge Jim. Why aren't you on duty?
Mr. Lahey: (drunkly) I've always been on duty, George. Always. I havent been off duty fo 25 years. Never.
George Green: Ugh. You're so fucked Lahey!
[George talks to dispatch on his walkie]
George Green: Dispatch, this is off duty cop George Green at Sunnyvale Trailer Park. You had a report earlier of gunfire. Disregard, there's nothing going on..
[Lahey aggresively grabs the walkie]
Mr. Lahey: Officer down! Officer down!
[Lahey throws George's walkie away]
Mr. Lahey: Sorry George! You're a shitty cop, George. I want a real cop here.


Ricky: The thing with me is that I AM smart and I’m smelf, I’m self smarted, basically, by myself, basically from nature and smoking drugs and doing different things I’ve self… s… like self learned myself. And that’s the whole difference I guess is that I don’t need the books or the schooling type things. I just get everything on my own and because of that I’m alive right now. I mean, if I had read more books or tried to go on to college and different things like that I’d be dead right now, because people say books and collage are for to be make you smarter, but they can also be for to be make you dead, which is what could have happened to me. My brain doesn’t use enough oxygen because I don’t have the whole thing filled with different stuff and if it was full--it’s only part full--and that’s why I’m alive right now. The guards are giving me here, you know--"read this book, try to get smarter"--but I’m like, alright, I’ll pretend to read it but I’m not going to really read it cause my brain will be more full and if I have another heart attack I’m going to die... I just wanna get out of here now and spend time with Lucy and Trinity and get my family going again. Basically that’s all that matters to me. They come to visit me a couple times in jail for the first time ever which is awesome. Lucy seems to be really digging me and looking really good and I just wanna get out of here and see them, exercise a bit, maybe eat better and try to quit smoking. I’m going to quit smoking cigarettes first, and then, you know, work off the dope or whatever eventually... although, I don’t know.

The Way of the Road

Ricky: I got stung by one of those bumble cock-suckers!

Ricky: (To Lucy after being stung by a bee): Do you have any suave?
Lucy: Salve?

Ricky: That's nothing Julian, me and my old man made 70 bucks from recycling last week.
Bubbles: 70 bucks each?
Ricky: No, 30 bucks each.
Bubbles: (to Ray) 30 bucks each? Ray, that doesn't add up.
Ray: Moving on Budd...

The Cheeseburger Picnic

Randy: Why don't you go pave your cave, you fuckin caveman.
Sam: What the fuck did you just call me?
Barb: Well... you are a caveman, Sam.
Randy: Yeah! A fucking caveman!
Sam: YOU PAY ME NOW BURGER BOY!!

High Definition Piss Jugs

News Reporter: Do you know Corey and Trevor of Corey & Trevor's convenience?

Bubbles: Yeah, I know those dickweeds.

Ricky: Lucy is banging cops which is no big deal I guess. I don't run Lucy. She's...for to be her own woman.

Ricky: One of the things he taught me was "One man's garbage is another man person's good ungarbage."

Where in the Fuck is Oscar Goldman?

Ricky: And sure, I'm fuckin' hungover and burnt out, but that's what being a good dad's all about

Trevor: Hey guys! I found a mushroom that looks like a cock!

Trevor: Mr Lahey, Julian's out here lifting weights with his shirt off! He wants you to come out and have a few drinks with him!

Halloween 1977

Mr. Lahey: Halloween 1977, Jules. You remember, don't you, Bubbles? Yo, what's at work here? It's the shit-tectonics. When two shit-plates strike, and come together under incredible pressure, what happens, Bubbles?
Bubbles: What, Mr. Lahey?
Mr. Lahey: Shit-quake. May the Force be with you gentlemen, and may I be with the Force.

Gimme My Fuckin' Money or Randy's dead


Phil Collins:(To Sam): Hey! You owe me you fuckin' greasy cave-man!!


Ricky (While hiding behind Phil during the shoot-out with Sam) "Sam, you're fucking losing it bud. Take off your sunglasses and look at the goddamn situation here. I have a human house! Go ahead, you can't even fucking shoot me, you see that?

Sam So, Me and the burger boy are going to a bank machine to get my money so I don't go back to jail.

Randy Sam, I only have 160 dollars in the bank.
Sam 160??
Randy I only make 4600 a year!
Sam Fuck! [kick's Randy's BBQ]
Barb Sam!
Randy My burgers!

Ricky (Forcing Phil to follow him down near the Moose) "Let's fuckin' go, Phil Collins"

Phil (Stumbling) "I can't do this, Ricky!"

Ricky (Pushing him) "Shut the fuck up!"

Phil "Alright, Im shuttin' up. Im shuttin' the fuck up."

Ricky My dad's the Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor now. He just fucking loves it. I mean he basically doesn't do a fucking thing. Just drives around, has some drinks, and says hi to people. It's awesome.

Ray How's it going? [to park residents]

Ray 5200 bucks a year! Come on! Life's good.

I Fuckin' Miss Cory and Trevor

Lucy: [to Ricky] What happened to the guy I made love with in the bathroom of the Kentucky Fried Chicken? HUH?? What happened to that guy?
Ricky: [Looks away]

Bubbles: Ray...rippin' the plumbin' outta your walls for liquor money...IS fucked!

I Banged Lucy and Knocked Her Up... No Big Deal

J-ROC: What's crackin' y'all. Let me be the first to officially welcome y'all ma fuckas to my brand new joint: Scrilla Villa! Aight dog, check it out. Let me explain somethin' to ya. Ya know'm sayin'? Me n' T had to get somethin' set up with the babies on the way, know'm sayin', with the family, ya know'm mean, so we had to start workin'. That's when I realized the airport has some interesting job opportunities, dog.
Tyrone: That's right. We had to seize the muthafucka!
J-ROC: Carpe dizzem, ya know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: That's right.
J-ROC: That's why we started gankin' luggage.
J-ROC: This is all the shit we ganked from overseas, ya know'm sayin'? It's all from Europe! It's tight! Ma fuckas come back with some crazy-ass shit, dog. You want a box for ya bling? It's ten ma fuckas! It's tight, cheap, and dope. I'm out.
J-ROC: This here room is what I call "Liquors of the World", dog. You know'm sayin'? Look at all this shit that ma fucks bring back. It's ya passport to gettin' drunk, you know'm sayin'? (picks up a bottle shaped like a guitar) Glug-glug, ting-ting-ting-ting-ting!
J-ROC: (picks up a real shoe) Real snake! What? Sayin'! We so busy now, ya know'm mean, I had to hire employees, ya know'm mean! That's Lucy right there. Lucy one of my employees. (points to her stomach) That lil' ma fucka ain't though! I ain't payin' for that ma fucka!

Ricky: Is there any way Lucy coulda got pregnant without my bird doin' stuff to her?
Ray: (laughs) You're joking, right, Rick?
Ricky: No, actually I'm pretty serious, Dad.
Ray: Fuck, um...
Ricky: There must be another way. We have done some stuff, but... Me and Lucy haven't banged in seven months and she's six months pregnant, so... Does that work out, or...
Ray: Bubbles, answer that. I gotta rock a piss off, buddy.

[Randy rips his pants]
Randy: Ah! MOOSE BALLS! My pants!
[Barb laughs]
Randy: It's not funny, Barb! (punches the wall)
Lahey: Randy...
[Randy walks away and punches the wall again]
Barb: Randy!
Randy: BALLS! My best pants! (punches the wall again)
Lahey: Randy!
Randy: This is friggin'... (punches the wall again)
Barb: Randy!
Lahey: Randy!

[Bubbles reads an ad out of a magazine]
Bubbles: Decent! Julian, check this out!
Julian: What?
Bubbles: Look! "Tenth Annual Bangor International Model Train Convention"! Look who's hosting! Sabastian Bach, Skid Row! My God, "Trains from all over the world, this year featuring the Swayzie Express"!
Julian: Swayzie Express? Patrick Swayze?
Bubbles: (Confessional) Julian's always been really sensitive about the whole Patrick Swayze thing because, when we were kids in school the other kids used to tease him and call him "Patrick Swayze" but Julian was reeeeally into Dirty Dancing! I remember one time me and Ricky were coming over to get Julian to go ride bikes and we walked in the trailer and Julian was dressed up like him, pretending he was in the movie Dirty Dancing! Ricky told everyone at school and from then on they teased him, "Patrick Swayze"!
Julian: Are you fucking with me here, Bubbs? 'Cause it's not funny, man.
Bubbles: No, Julian! Not that Patrick Swayze, not the actor, Patrick Swayze. This is a different one.

[Lucy and Sarah are helping Randy try on new pants]
Lucy: The navy's really good. I actually can't see your underwear for once.
Sarah: Yeah, they look really good, Randy. They're a big improvement.
Randy: They're so comfortable. My other ones were so tight!
[Randy rocks from side to side, stretching in the new pants as Sarah checks a cuff]
Sarah: Yeah, they're only one size bigger, too.
[Randy's gut hits Sarah in the face]
Sarah: Randy!
Randy: Sorry, Sarah.
Ricky: (from outside) Lucy, get the fuck out here and tell me what's going on! Nice pants, Randy! You still look fucking stupid! Lucy, I'm serious! Get out here and talk to me!

Barb: So what do you wanna talk about Randy, or do you need to be high first?
Randy: There's no real easy way of saying this. I frigged up.
Barb: What are you talking about?
Randy: Basically, I banged Lucy and knocked her up...no big deal.
Barb: Oh my god. That was you? Ugh, greasy. Do you know the whole park is talking about that?
Lahey: You cheated on me, Randy? You cheated on us? You cheated on us?!

Barb: So that's $176.92, now would you like me to give it to you, or should I give it directly to your drug dealer?
Randy: Look, you guys have a good time frigg dancin'. And Barb, your scalloped potatoes are FUCKED.
Lahey: They're fantastic, Barb.

Three Good Men are Dead

[Phil burps loudly]
Ray: Ahh fuck sakes Phil!!!!!
Bubbles: Ricky I got onion ring fragments on me, get them off!
Ricky: I'm not touching those things!
Bubbles: GET THEM OFF!

Friends of the Road

Bubbles: They're ladies of the evening.
Ray: Friends of the road, buddy.

Ricky: Oh man, are they ever getting fucked over.

[to family getting car searched at the US - Canada border]
Ricky:You're supposed to throw your dope away before you get to the border! Ya fucked up!!
Ricky:[Barks like a dog to border patrol dogs] Shut the fuck up!!

We Can't Call People Without Wings Angels, So We Call Them Friends

Ricky: It's survival of the fitness boys.

The Mustard Tiger


Phil: WHAT ABOUT YOU FOUR-EYES!
Bubbles: What did you call me?! You... Mustard Tiger!



Bubbles: He looks like he ate Philadelphia.

Jump the Cheeseburger

Bubbles: (Sarcastically speaking) Oh, nice job there, son of the mustard tiger!
Thomas: My dad is not a mustard tiger!
Bubbles: Oh, okay!

Lahey: Barb, maybe you should lay off the alcohol just for a couple.

Barb: Don't you think? Do you think, Jim? Because you know what? I'm gonna be totally honest with you and it's...it's a bit ironic, but since you stopped drinking you are not half as much fun!

Lahey: Barb...I'm doing my best here.

Barb: Jim, I wish you'd start drinkin' again!

Lucy: Oh Randy, are you okay?
Randy: Ah, sweet and sour chicken balls! I think I sprained it, Luce!
Lucy: Is it bad?
Randy: Yeah, it hurts.
Lucy: Okay, well we'll put some...
Randy: Ah, quarterhorse cocks!
Lucy: Ok, well...you know we'll go back to my place and put some ice on this. You are going to be fine.
Randy: Ok.
Lucy: It's not a problem. A couple hours max...
Randy: Alfred HitchCock!
Lucy: Randy, enough with the cocks!

Ricky: Well it's quite a...step up in the world from bangin' Randy and Lahey to bangin' Julian, isn't it?
Bubbles: That's a weird thought, Ricky.

Rickyisms

Rickyisms are malapropisms used by Ricky, one of the main characters on the TV show Trailer Park Boys. Sometimes, Ricky uses Rickyisms even though he had already said the word or phrase correctly in a previous episode.

Examples include:
  • "Lucy is banging cops which is no big deal I guess. I don't run Lucy she's for to be her own woman" (free to be)


  • "Lucy might have a problem, but what Lucy doesn't know won't learn her." (hurt)


  • "Get me two bags of chips Dressed All Over and Zesty Mordant". (All Dressed and Zesty, Mordant is French for Zesty and is a mix-up of reading both languages on the bilingual packaging in Canada)


  • "Yeah get me some jalapeno chips" [pronounced ja-LAP-ano] (jalapeño)


  • "Worst case Ontario..." (scenario)


  • "Its basically Peach 'n Cake" (a Piece of Cake)


  • "Denial and Error..." (trial)


  • "Make my words" (Mark)*


  • "Hey Bubs are you watching that documentary on Saskatchewans?" (Sasquatches)*


  • "(While addressing the Judge in court) Thank you your Majesty." (Honour which is still incorrect. In Canada a female judge is to be referred to as My Lady.)


  • "I'm trying to try here Sarah"


  • "Who's playing the pianio" (piano)


  • "Make like a tree and fuck off." (leave)


  • "I'm not the kind of person to say atodaso, but you know what? Atodaso, I fucking atodaso." (I told you so)


  • "It was golfing flames, flames just golfing, golfing." (engulfed in flames)


  • "It's a Catch 23 situation." (Catch 22)


  • "(To Alex Lifeson of Rush) Well play that Diane Sawyer song then." (Tom Sawyer - Rush song)


  • "looks like a tropical earthquake blew through here." (storm)


  • "We can get 2 birds stoned at once." (kill 2 birds with one stone)


  • "Why do you look like Indianapolis Jones? (Indiana)


  • "He passed with flying fucking carpets." (colours)


  • "It doesn't take rocket appliances." (science)


  • "Trinity's at the age where it's gorilla see gorilla do." (monkey)


  • "Do you got a search warranty for that?" (warrant)*


  • "I must be fire retarded or something." (retardant)


  • "I'm not a pezmist, I'm an optometrist. (Pessimist, Optimist)


  • "These plates got me from Tuscany, Arizona to Kentville, Nova Scotia." (Tucson) - Ray, Ricky's Dad


  • "I'll drive you back to the park Lucy but there is probably a pretty good chance that it might be over between us" (Ricky uses a triple conditional, just one would be sufficient)


  • "If my dad and Julian and Bubbles hadn't had been out all night getting lap-dances and getting drunk, the whole thing could have been preventative". (prevented)


  • "To be honest with you I fucking hate bagminten." (badminton)


  • "Breaker, Breaker come in earth. This is Rocketship 27, some aliens fucked over the carbinator in engine number four, we are going to try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper". (carburator, repair, Jupiter)


  • "That's not a ladybug. It's a cannerpillar. (caterpillar)


  • "How to get Buhurbon stains out of Kahayki pants" (Bourbon, Khaki)


  • "One man's garbage is another man person's good ungarbage". ("One man's garbage is another man's treasure")


  • "Au gratin" (gratis, free; au gratin is with cheese)


  • "I surance" (Insurance)*


  • "Swallow my prize" (pride)


  • "Neither here, there, and everywhere" (Neither here nor there)


  • "Boys, let's make toast" (Let's make a toast)


  • "There's no lurches in there Bubbles is there?" (leeches)


  • "I know what you're doing, Lahey, you're trying to fill my feet." (fill my shoes)


  • "You gotta remember, every kid goes through phrases." (phases)


  • "What Julian don't grow won't burn him". (know, hurt)


  • "Nice decnals!" (decals)


  • "I'm just stretched out!" (stressed)*


  • "I don't need your cherry trees." (charity)*


  • "What if he has radies?" (rabies)


  • "Supply and command." (demand)


  • "What comes around is all around" (What goes around comes around)


  • "What, do you own space? No. Nay-saw does." (Incorrectly pronounces NASA)


  • "Do unto others as you do unto you." (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you)


  • "One day I will go somewhere that is hot, like Majaica or the Dromedary Republic" (Jamaica, Dominican Republic)


  • "Trinity made a life-ing thing basically out of this chicken. Started with a little eggy thing, and heated it up under these incu-baker things, and it ... it was bornt." (incubator, born)


  • "We'll split 50/50/50" (three ways.)


  • (To Trevor and Cory) "Well I'd like for you two to come with us but, apparently it's clear to see who makes the pants here." (wears the pants)


  • "I hate to have to give you an ultimarium" (ultimatum)


  • "It's me or 'Gumby and Pifuckio' (Cory and Trevor)"


  • "That's what they are Julian... Raykens.. fuckin' Raykens" (racoons)


  • "I'm not working for J-Roc, that's against my vice principles" (principles)


  • "Three months, that's pretty good for whores." (in reference to Ray's jail sentence for solicitation of prostitution)


  • "What the fuck do them clothes them doin there?" (...are those clothes doing there?)


  • "Bubbles, I don't want any rich peopleman's food, I want some fuckin meat that's cooked" (people)


  • "It's survival of the fitness, boys". (fittest)


  • "If Randy thinks he's smartiner than me, he's wrong." (smarter)*


  • "You gotta do illegal things once in a while, and then maturinate into a better person." (mature)


  • "Your thoughts might be better than mine, but I have thoughts going around in my head too about...different thinkings...about brain things that you can use and...doing different things."


  • "Sweet and power chicken things" (sweet and sour chicken)


  • (To Shitty Bill) "Take a shower for fuck's sake! You look like a fuckin' hobolo!" (hobo)


  • (To Randy) "Why don't you fuck off and go get some hypo-suction!" (liposuction)


  • Credulance


  • "Holy shit, you got us a lemon-zine?" (Limousine)


  • "Randy bornt my baby." (Randy is the father of Lucy's 2nd child)


  • "Lucy, I will make you have a eternity test". (paternity)


  • "He's gettin' all frustated." (frustrated)


  • "You can go to college and get your little PF.D, or whatever the fuck it's called!" (PH.D.)


  • "Child reports" (Child Support)


  • "Get us the fuckin' land papers A.S.A.T!" (Land papers because he couldn't pronounce topographic map , A.S.A.P)


  • "I'm fucked over from being electromecuted!" (electrocuted)


  • "Thos cigarettes in there is our lifes!" (are our lives)


  • "...it's distraculating my case." (distracting)


  • "it's fuckin' Amernicans!" (Americans)


  • "I have responsibles now..." (Responsibilities)


  • "Well, now we gotta go to the library and get a book on horficulture." (Horticulture)


  • "I self-learned myself." (self-taught)

(* = Already said word/phrase correctly in a previous episode)

Laheyisms

Laheyisms are metaphors usually pertaining to faeces used by Jim Lahey of Trailer Park Boys.

Examples
Lahey: "Ready for a lil B & E Randy?"
Randy: "Bacon N Eggs?"
Lahey: "Evidence gathering."

  • "When you plant shit seeds, you get shit weeds."
  • "Birds of a shitfeather flock together, Randy."
  • "We're in the eye of a shiticane here Julian, and Ricky's a low shit system!"
  • "Shit storm troopers"
  • "The shit apple doesn't fall far from the shit tree"
  • "Captain Shittacular"
  • "I'm watching you, like a shithawk"
  • "We're sailing into a shit typhoon Randy, we'd better haul in the jib before it gets covered in shit"
  • "When you're getting pelted with shitballs deputy, you gotta get a shit bat."
  • "The shit pool's gettin full Randy, time to strain the shit before it overflows. I will not have a Pompeiian shit catastrophe on my hands"
  • "How dare you involve my daughter in your hemisphere of shit"
  • "Your shit-goose is cooked, Ricky"
  • "Shit-apples never fall far from the shit-tree"
  • "He's about to enter the shit tornado to Oz."
  • "Do you know what a shit rope is Julian? It's a rope covered in shit that criminals try to cling to. Y'see, the shit acts like grease, and the harder you tighten your grip, the more you slide down it".
  • "A shit leopard can't change its spots"
  • "We need more shit puppets for our play Randy, and we need angry shit puppets but they aren't mad at us. Shit puppets only get angry at other shit puppets"
  • Randy: "Cops and dope don't mix, do they Mr. Lahey?" Lahey: "Like shit and strawberry shortcake Randy."
  • "I live by the golden rule, if you don't cross my shitline I won't cross yours. But when Ray told everybody in the park that I was drinking again, he crossed the goddamn shitline."
  • Lahey: "Do you know what a shit barometer is, Bubbles? Measures the shit pressure in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. You hear that? The sounds of the whispering winds of shit? You can hear it."
Bubbles: "No, I don't hear anything..."
Lahey: "Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the old shit barometer rises, and you'll feel it too. Your ears will implode from the shit pressure. You were warned, Bubs, but you picked the wrong side. Beware, my friend: shit winds are a-comin'."
  • "Do you feel that Randy, the way the shit clings to the air? Shit Blizzard."
  • "Never Cry Shitwolf"
  • "Did you see that Randy, Goddamn shitapple driving the shitmobile. No body else in this park gives a fuck why should I?
  • "Yes I used to drink Randy but I got the shitmonkey off my back for good".
  • "You just opened Pandora's Shitbox Ray"
  • "You know what you get when two shit-tectonic plates collide? Shitquakes, Julian. Shitquakes."
  • "The ole shit liner is coming to port, and I'll be there to tie her up."
  • "Y'see, Ricky started off as a little shitspark from the ol' shitflint that eventually grew into a shitbonfire, and driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, grew into a raging shitfirestorm. If I marry Barb, I'll have total control of Sunnyvale, and then I'll be able to unleash a shitnami tidal wave that will extinguish Ricky and his shitflames forever. And with any luck, he'll drown in the undershit of that wave...shitwaves".
  • "Tic Toc, Shit clock's tickin' Rick."
  • "We got the key to shitty city, Ran, and Julian's the muscular mayor".
  • "You boys have loaded up a hair-trigger, double barrelled shitmachinegun, and the barrel's pointing right at your own heads".
  • "Shit flowers, Randy. [...] From a distance they look like ordinary flowers, but when you get right down and stick your nose in them you realize they're shit flowers, and there's a whole fucking bouquet down there right in front of Ray's trailer."
  • Lahey: "Shit moths, Randy."
Randy: "Shit moths?"
Lahey: "Shit moths. You see, they started off as tiny shit larva, Randy. Then they grew into shitapillers, a pandemic of shitapillers Randy, everywhere you look Randy - shitapillers. They almost drove me over the goddamn edge boy. I tried to exterminate them, I tried to put an end to the shitapiller's life cycle...but I failed. And now...shit moths Randy, every-fuckin'- one of them."
  • Randy: "Is that you or the liquor speaking, Mr Lahey?"
(to which Mr. Lahey replies after a swig of alcohol) "I am the liquor."
  • "Hey Sexian" (Lahey adressing Julian)
  • "Whenever I'm sober, the boys are careful, they're scared of me cause they know what I'll do. They're cautious, it's hard to catch them. But when I'm drinking, their shitguards are down and they fuck up, but the problem is when I'm drinking, I fuck up too, a lot Barb. I gotta be drinking, but not drinking, ya see? The only way to do that, is to pretend, I am gonna pretend to be drunk, collect evidence and build a solid case against them. Sober as a judge I'm gonna show up today at the cheeseburger picnic, and I'm gonna pretend to be a drunken idiot. And why? Shitguards Barb... shitguards."
  • "This place is a dump, you have my permission, to do whatever you want, any time any place, and you don't have to listen to Pilsbandy Doughboy (Randy) or Team Sexy" (the police)

Quotes from Bubbles

  • "I'd like to see that Red Blue Green cocksucker put one of those together fucking duct taping it."


  • "Dino. Did you call Fred and Barney too? How about Mr. Slate?"
  • "I won't tell anyone you have splinters in your lips if you don't tell anyone I have a wooden cock."


  • "Randy: Does that thing really launch Bubbles? Bubbles: Does the tin man have a sheet metal cock?"


  • "Julian, what's a shit hawk? Is it some kind of shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop on you?"


  • "Ricky what happened to your fucking eyes you look like Alice Cooper?"


  • (in reference to the Helix song "Rock You") "I'm not giving anyone a fucking R!"


  • "Ricky, those laws are there to protect kids, not so goofballs like you can put them in the car with no door on it, and drive around the fuckin' neighbourhood stealin' barbecques!"


  • "Can I come out now, I think I have a leech onto my bird."


  • "Julian, we're both baked. That's why were probably not making any sense."


  • "No, he's just a really big kitty, and he's baked!"


  • Bubbles: Stealing gas? Why Cory and Trevor that's highly illegal, you shouldn't be stealing gas Cory and Trevor.


  • (Rapping) "I got a grey kitty, white one, and a tabby too/ And a big orange guy who put snakes in my shoes/ Mad MC skills, leave ya struck, and I roll with ma kitties, and I'am hard as fuck/ I am down with Plato and Socrates/ And I like to get busy with all the ladies. Grunt, grunt/ sumthin,' sumthin,' sumthin,'/ Grunt/ Up in ma shed, up in ma shed..."


  • "Holy fuck boys, this shed is like a fucking palace! Indoor plumbing (toilet seat inside), satellite tv, 400 channels, anything I wanna watch, it's right there, space for my kitties, Mobile phone, new technology (holds up an ancient mobile phone), this is the best fucking shed there ever was!"


  • "Here, Cory-Trevor, Cory-Trevor!"


  • Hampton: "Can you read my son?" Bubbles: "Well, that depends, can you go fuck yourself?"


  • Trevor: "Julian this looks like a pirate gun." Bubbles: "Well Trevor I guess that makes you Long John Dickweed then."


  • "Green Bastard, from parts unknown" (grunts and inhales).


  • "Lahey, can you please get the flyin' fuck out of our way!"


  • "COCK-SUCKER!"


  • "There's a note pinned to a tree! Diddly-dee!"


  • (To Randy re: cheeseburgers) "How many did you drive into that big fuckin cheeseburger-locker?"


  • "Well, when I was a little guy, I always wanted to go up into space, be a space-man. But you gotta be able to see really fuckin' good to do that job. Some guy would take one look at me and say... 'uhhh, sorry sir, you gotta be able to see a little better than you'... I don't give a fuck."


  • Holy sweet flying fuck!"

J-Roc'isims

  • "There's 2 things mafukas gonna know about J-to the ROC - I spin more rhymes than a lazy susan, and I'm innocent until mah guilt is proven, peace, representin' Sunnyvale, straight the fuck up."


  • (To Lahey and Randy) "Why don't you run along, Gut Cassidy and the Sundance Cheeseburger. Don't look into my eyes like I got candy for you."


  • "Only whacked suckas like Cory and Trevor steal gas (and deal dope).


  • "Yo Julian, I'm going to be a daddy. Not once but two times dawg, two times."


  • (repeated line) "You know what i'm sayin'?" (sounds like "G'nomesayin")


  • "Rayyyyy - Kojak's got a wig on, RAYYY!"


  • "So why don't you move it along you Rico Suave lookin' mafucka, cuz you ain't beatin' nobody."


  • "You mean we can't go on with the game cus some mafucka can't go to Canadian Mafacka (Tire) and get a new orange mafucka (ball) for $2.99? That's wack Jules."


  • "yo, its rocky and bull-ma'fucker."


  • "J-Roc an' da' Rock-Pile ALL UP IN DIS' MA' !"


  • "Naw man I don't play guns, mafucka."


  • "We ain't down with killin', we down with chillin'. Peace!"


  • "The day J-roc loses his flow, is the day the hair on Jim Laheys bald head grow!"


  • (referring to Jacob) "That's the fuckin' law bitch from the grocery store y'man, who you pointin' at skeleton?"


  • "This is BULL-ISH!"


  • "I can't even breathe up in this piece!"


  • (to Randy)"Oh what, you ain pregnant with a bucket a chicken?"


  • (to Randy) "What you talkin about, you inflatable Elvis?"


  • (repeated line) "Oh, no you didn't just call me Jamie!"
 
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