Van Helsing Quotations

Van Helsing is a 2004 action / horror film about demon hunter Van Helsing who must team up with the last Gypsy princess, Anna Valerioius, to kill Dracula and his brides.

Written and directed by Stephen Sommers.

The One Name They All Fear Taglines

Gabriel Van Helsing

Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same — best when cooked well.
To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.
[About Frankenstein's monster] My life, my job, is to vanquish evil. I can... I can sense evil. This thing— man— whatever it is— evil may have created it, may have left its mark on it— but evil does not rule it. So I cannot kill it.
I'll save you! I swear to God!
[after cutting off Mr Hyde's arm] I'll bet that's upsetting.

Count Vladislaus Dracula

[To Dr. Frankenstein] A pity your moment of triumph is ruined over a little thing like grave robbery.
You can't kill me, Victor. I'm already dead.
Why can't they just leave us alone? We never kill more than our fill. And less than our share. Can they say the same?
I have no heart! I feel no love... nor fear... nor joy... nor sorrow! I am hollow. And I will live... forever.
I'm at war with the world and every living soul in it!... But soon the final battle will begin.
[Clapping his hand like a heartbeat] I can tell the character of a man by the sound of his heartbeat. Usually when I approach... I can almost dance to the beat… Strange that yours is so steady.
Welcome to my summer place.
Allow me to reintroduce myself. I am Count Vladislaus Dracula. Born 1422. Murdered 1462.
You are being used, Gabriel, as was I. But I escaped. So can you.
[fighting Gabriel] Don't you understand?! We could be friends! Partners! Brothers-in-arms!
Did I mention that it was you who murdered me? It must be such a burden... such a curse... to be the Left Hand of God. All I want is life, Gabriel. The continuation of my kind. And perhaps... [shows his hand, which Gabriel cut a finger from] the return of my ring.
Is this your silver stake?
Ladies and gentleman, I give to you, VAN HELSING!

Anna Valerious

I hope you have a heart, Aleera, because someday I'm going to drive a stake through it.
He's the first one to kill a vampire in over a hundred years. I'd say that's earned him a drink.
(to Aleera, who has been constantly saying she'll kill Anna and has just been stabbed by Anna) I think if you're going to kill somebody, kill them, don't stand around talking about it.
(Dancing with Count Dracula) I won't let you trade me, Count.

Carl

A vampire is nothing like a warlock. My granny could kill a warlock.
But I don't want to go to Transylvania!
The air around here is thick with envy...
Actually, I'm still just a friar, so I can curse all I want. Dammit!
(after Velkan in his werewolf form came in during a rainstorm) Why does it smell like wet dog in here?
Do we have a plan? I mean, it doesn't have to be Wellington's at Waterloo, but some kind of plan would be nice.
[To Frankenstein's monster] Where are you going to go? I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you kind of stick out in a crowd.
How many commandments can we break in one day?
If there's one thing I've learned, it's never to be the first one to stick your hand in a viscous material.
(Aleera has just been horribly burned by the material holding the werewolf cure) Viscous material! What did I tell you?
I know what it's for! I know what it's for! (sees Van Helsing and Anna running towards him, about to jump out of the stained glass window behind him.) Where are we going?

Others

Cardinal Jinette: We have kept mankind safe since time immemorial, we are the last defense against evil. An evil that the rest of mankind has no idea even exists.
Top Hat: [after Van Helsing kills Marishka] Vampires only kill what they need to survive - one or two people a month. Now they will kill for revenge.
Frankenstein's monster: I am the key, to my father's machine. The key to life.
Frankenstein's monster: [in a carriage] By exposing me, you have condemned me! ME AND ALL OF HUMANITY! [Anna shuts the door on him]
Verona: I can feel fresh blood rushing through her veins!
Aleera: Tch, tch, tch, so much trouble to my Master. So much trouble.
Aleera: You can't go until I say you can go. And I say you can go when you're dead!
Marishka: Too bad, so sad.
Mr. Hyde: [grabbing cord from grappling hook Van Helsing shot through him, then tried to pull him off the church with] My turn!
Mr. Hyde: [on top of church, grabs Van Helsing] I think you'll find the view here rather spectacular! [dangles Van Helsing from church roof, laughing maniacally] It's been a pleasure knowing you. Au revoir! [drops him]

Van Helsing: All right Carl, what have you learned.

Carl: That Count Dracula was actually the son of Valerious the Elder. The son of your ancestor.

Anna Valerious: Everybody knows that, what else?

Carl: All right. well according to this rubbing, it all started when Dracula was murdered.

Van Helsing: Do you know who murdered him?

Carl: No, it's just some vague reference to the Left Hand of God. And in 1462 when Dracula died, he made a covenant with the Devil.

(Shows the picture of Dracula and the Devil touching each other finger)

Van Helsing: And he's given a new life.

Anna Valerious: But the only way he could sustain that life is by drinking the blood of others.

Carl: Uh, excuse me. Are you going to let me tell the story?

Both: Sorry.

Carl: And your ancestor having sired this evil creature went to Rome to seek forgiveness. That's when the bargain was made, he was to kill Dracula in return for eternal salvation of his entire family right down the line all the way to you.

Anna Valerious: But he couldn't do it. As evil Dracula was, my ancestor couldn't kill his own son.

Carl: So he banished him to an icy fortress, sending him to a door for which there is no return.

Anna Valerious: And then the Devil gave him wings.

Carl: Yes.

Van Helsing: All right.So where is this door?

Carl: I don't know. But when your ancestor couldn't kill his son. He left clues, so that future generations might do it for him.

Anna Valerious: That must be what my father was looking for in here. Clues to the door's location.

Van Helsing: The door, of course. You said your father spent hours staring at this painting trying to find Dracula's lair. I think you were right, quite literally. I think this is the door, he just didn't know how to open it.

(They arrive at the map painting)

Carl: (pointing at the Latin inscription) Look, the Latin inscription maybe it was like that painting in the tower.

Anna Valerious: If this were a door, my father would've open it long ago.

(Carl finds out the piece of the inscription is missing)

Carl: I can't finish the inscription, there's a piece missing.

(Van Helsing has the script that the cardinal gave him)

Van Helsing: Your father didn't have this.

Anna Valerious: Where did you get that?

Van Helsing: Carl, finish it.

(Carl puts the final piece and translates the inscription)

Van Helsing: In the name of God, open this door.

Dialogue

Dr. Frankenstein: [after hearing Dracula's plan] Good God. I would kill myself before helping in such a task.

Dracula : Feel free. I don't actually need you anymore, Victor. [looking at the Monster] I just need him... he is the key.

Dr. Frankenstein: I could never allow him to be used for such evil!

Dracula : I could. In fact, my brides are insisting upon it.

Mr. Hyde: You're a big one. You'll be hard to digest.

Van Helsing: I'd hate to be such a nuisance. I missed you in London.

Mr Hyde: [chuckles] No, you bloody did not! [shows a hole in his arm] You got me good.

Van Helsing: Dr Jekyll, you are wanted by the Knights of the Holy Order...

Mr Hyde: It's Mr Hyde now!

Van Helsing: ...for the murder of twelve men, six women--

Mr Hyde: [bored] ... four children, three nuns, and a rather nasty massacre of poultry. So, you're the great Van Helsing.

Van Helsing: And you're a deranged psychopath.

Mr Hyde: We all have our little problems. [eats his cigar]

Van Helsing: My superiors would much like for me to take you alive, so that they may extricate your better half.

Mr Hyde: I bet they bloody would.

Van Helsing: Personally, I'd rather just kill you and call it a day. But let's make it your decision.

Mr Hyde: Mmm, do let's! [knocks Van Helsing across the room]

Van Helsing: Bless me, father, for I have...

Cardinal Jinette: ...sinned, yes, I know. You are very good at that. [Van Helsing winces] You shattered the Rose Window.

Van Helsing: Well, not to split hairs, sir, but it was Mr Hyde who did the shattering.

Cardinal Jinette: 11th century. Over six hundred years old. I wish you a week in hell for that.

Van Helsing: It would be a nice reprieve.

Cardinal Jinette: Don't get me wrong, your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far to much attention. Wanted posters! We are not pleased!

Van Helsing: Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?

Cardinal Jinette: Because we do not exist.

Van Helsing: Well then nether do I. [stands to leave]

[Cardinal presses a switch, a portcullis lowers, trapping Van Helsing in the confessional]

Cardinal Jinette: When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.

Van Helsing: Why can't He do it Himself?

Cardinal Jinette: Don't blaspheme! You already lost your memory as a punishment for past sins.

Cardinal Jinette: And now, we need you to go to the East. To the far side of Romania, a accursed land terrorized by all sorts of nightmarish creatures, and lorded over by a certain Count Dracula. (shows a picture of Dracula)

Van Helsing: Dracula?

Cardinal Jinette: Yes. You've never faced one like this before. (shows an image of a man in knight's armour) Our story begins 450 years ago, when a Transylvanian knight named Valerious the Elder promised God that his family would never rest nor enter Heaven... until they vanquished Dracula from their land. They have not succeeded, and they are running out of family. (shows another image) His descendant, Boris Valerious, King of the Gypsies. He disappeared almost 12 months ago. (shows another two images of a young man and woman) His only son, Prince Velkan, and his daughter, Princess Anna... If the two of them are killed before Dracula is vanquished, nine generations of their family will never enter the gates of St. Peter. For more than four centuries, this family has defended our elect flank. They gave their lives. We cannot let them slip into Purgatory.

Van Helsing: So you're sending me into Hell.

Cardinal Jinette: In a manner.

(a monk gives the cardinal a script)

Cardinal Jinette: Valerious the Elder left this here 400 years ago, we don't know its purpose. But he would not have left it lightly. The Latin inscripton translates as: "In the name of God, open this door". There's a insignia.

(Van Helsing looks at his ring and has the same symbol as the script)

Cardinal Jinette: Yes, it matches your ring. I think that in Transylvania you may find the answer you seek.

Carl: Well, did you bring Mr. Hyde back or did you kill him? [sees that Van Helsing is alone] You killed him, didn't you? That's why they get so annoyed! When they ask you to bring someone back, they don't mean as a corpse.

[Van Helsing keeps walking]

Carl: Well, you're in a mood! Not to worry, got just the thing to put the bit back in your teeth. [Van Helsing stops to look at a rack of swords.] Oh, any idiot can make a sword!

Blacksmith Monk: Hey! [holding glowing sword tip at Carl's face]

Carl: S-S-Sorry, Father...

Van Helsing: [shaking his head] Come along, Carl.

[Carl shows Van Helsing his new invention, a gas-powered crossbow]

Carl: A work of certifiable genius.

Van Helsing: If you don't say so yourself.

Carl Well, I did say so myself.

Carl: You've never gone after vampires before, have you?

Van Helsing: Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same! Best when cooked well.

Carl: No, no, no, they're not all the same. A vampire is nothing like a warlock. My granny could kill a warlock.

Van Helsing: Carl, you've never even been out of the abbey, how do you know about vampires?

Carl: I read. [Van Helsing shrugs] Now, here's something new. Glyerin-48. [flicks a drop of nitroglycerin, blowing up some crates and startling the other monks.] Sorry! Sorry!

Monk: What in the name of Allah is wrong with you?!?

Van Helsing: [picking up a flask on Carl's workbench.] What's this?

Carl: Careful with that! [Van Helsing teasingly keeps it out of reach] I've been working on that for seven years! It's compressed magma from Mt. Vesuvius mixed with alkali from the Gobi Desert. [wrests the flask from Van Helsing] One of a kind.

Van Helsing: What's it for?

Carl: I don't know.

Van Helsing: Seven years and you don't know what it does?

Carl: I didn't say that. I said I don't know what it's for, what it does is produce a light source equal to the intensity of the sun.

Van Helsing: What good is that?

Carl: I don't know, you could blind your enemies, charbroil a herd of charging wildebeast... use your imagination!

Van Helsing: No, I'm going to use yours. That's why you're coming with me.

Carl: The hell be damned, I am.

Van Helsing: Carl, you cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

Carl: Actually, I'm still just a friar, so I can curse all I want. Dammit!

Van Helsing: The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive. [He tosses Carl a bag of weapons.] For as long as possible.

Carl: But I'm not a field man! [Whining] Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!!

Carl: So what do you remember?

Van Helsing: Not now, Carl. [keeping his eyes on the villagers who are looking increasingly hostile]

Carl: Surely you remember something.

Van Helsing: I remember fighting the Romans at Masada.

Carl: That was in 73 AD?

Van Helsing: You asked.

Anna Valerious: Some say you're a murderer, Mr. Van Helsing. Others say you're a holy man. Which is it?

Van Helsing: It's a bit of both, I think.

Anna Valerious: We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death.

Van Helsing: There's a brighter side of death?

Anna Valerious: Yes. It's just harder to see.

Van Helsing: He's a werewolf, he's gonna kill people!

Anna Valerious: It's not his fault! He can't help it!

Van Helsing: I know, but he's gonna do it anyway!

Velkan: I would rather die than help you!

Dracula: Oh, don't be boring. Everyone who says that dies.

Village Woman: [Carl has just saved her from one of Dracula's children] How can I ever repay you?

Carl: [whispers something in her ear]

Village Woman: But you can't do that! You are a monk!

Carl: Well, actually, I'm still just a friar. [Village woman smiles]

Anna Valerious: A silver stake?! A crucifix?! What, did you think we haven't tried everything before?! We've shot him, stabbed him, clubbed him, sprayed him with holy water, staked him through the heart, and still he lives! Do you understand?! No one knows how to kill Dracula.

Van Helsing: ... Well, I could have used that information a little earlier.

Van Helsing: There's something down here. And it's carnivorous. Whatever it is, it appears to be... human. I'd say he's a size 17, about 360 pounds, 8-and-a-half to 9 feet tall. He has a bad gimp in his right leg, and... 3 copper teeth.

Anna Valerious: How do you know he has copper teeth?

Van Helsing: [quickly] Because he's standing right behind you. Move!

Dracula: Igor, why must you torment that thing so?

Igor: It's what I do.

Dracula: Remember, Igor, do unto others...

Igor: ... before they do unto me!

Frankenstein's Monster: [hanging from a rope] Help! Help me!

Carl: But you're supposed to die!

Frankenstein's Monster: I want to live!

Carl:... All right!

Carl: Why does it smell like wet dog in here?

Van Helsing: Werewolf!

Carl: Oh! You'll be needing silver bullets, then.

[he produces a box of bullets and throws them to Van Helsing, rather deftly]

Van Helsing: Well done!

(After Velkan escapes)

Van Helsing:(chokes Anna) Why?!

Anna Valerious: You're choking me!

Van Helsing: Give me a reason not to.

Anna Valerious: I can't. If people knew...

Van Helsing:(let's go of Anna's neck) He's not your brother anymore, Anna!

Anna Valerious: You knew?

Van Helsing: Yes.

Anna Valerious: Before or after I stopped you from shooting him?

Van Helsing: Before.

Anna Valerious: And still you tried to kill him!

Van Helsing: He's a werewolf! He's gonna kill people!

Anna Valerious: He can't help it! It's not his fault!

Van Helsing: I know, but he'll do it anyway!

Anna Valerious: Do you understand forgiveness?

Van Helsing: Yes. I ask for it often.

Anna Valerious: They say Dracula has a cure. If there's a chance I can save my brother! I'm going after it!

Van Helsing: No! I need to find Dracula!

Anna Valerious: And I need to find my brother! He gave his life for me, he's the only family I have left. I despise Dracula more than you can ever imagine. He has taken everything from me, leaving me alone in this world.

Van Helsing: To have memories of those you loved and lost... is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all. All right. We'll look for your brother.

Bloopers

Richard Roxburgh: [Backstage, sneezes on crew member]

Crew Member: Aww, you son of a...

Richard Roxburgh: [Seriously] Sorry mate.

Van Helsing: [To Anna] Alright [starts choking] Sorry! Flies! There's flies!!

Dracula: I give you... VAN HALEN!!!

Frankenstein's Monster: May others be as passionate in their hunting of you.

Van Helsing: [Goes to open his dart shooter, but pulls it apart instead.] Mmm... Broke. [Laughs] Look, it's a low-budget movie. I'm sorry!

Van Helsing: [Aiming the arrow gun, the director shouts "NOW!"] Geez! [ducks] You frightened the hell out of me! [laughs] I wasn't ready for that!

Dracula: Is any part of me likely to catch fire just at this point, excluding coattails or hair? No? Good.

Van Helsing: Friggin' line. Right. What's the line?

Frankenstein's Monster: [In the ice cube] I'm a cold heartless bitch.

Director: Can somebody get me a script, 'cause I'm sure those aren't the lines.

Mr. Hyde's stand-in: [Lifts the bell]

Van Helsing: [Jumps on his back] HEY DADDY!!! I'M HOME!!!

Frankenstein's Monster: [Being lowered down in the ice cube] Okay, I'll be in here. I got cable.

Van Helsing: There are those who go through the front door... and there are those who speak their lines a little bit better than this.

Hugh Jackman: Yeah, I would NEVER trip. [Several clips of him tripping/falling down]

Van Helsing: [Holding a dwergi] [laughs as it's mouth opens and closes with it's teeth showing] You have to be kidding me!

Cast

Hugh Jackman as Gabriel Van Helsing
Kate Beckinsale as Anna Valerious
Richard Roxburgh as Count Vladislaus Dracula
David Wenham as Carl
Will Kemp as Velkan Valerious / The Wolf Man
Shuler Hensley as Frankenstein's monster
Silvia Colloca as Verona, the oldest bride of Dracula
Josie Maran as Marishka, the middle bride of Dracula
Elena Anaya as Aleera, the youngest bride of Dracula
Kevin J. O'Connor as Igor
Alun Armstrong as Cardinal Jinette
Samuel West as Dr. Frankenstein
Robbie Coltrane as Mr. Hyde (voice)

Quoternity