Veronica Mars

Meg: You don't want to drink that.

Veronica: Why?

Meg: I'm betting Madison gave you a trip to the dentist. It's her thing. She does it to people she doesn't like. She spits in a cocktail and calls it a trip to the dentist. 'Cause we're in eighth grade.

Madison: Regular soda? Why didn't you just fill the cup with lard?

Dick: [upon seeing Veronica] Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is like, some new reality show called My Skank.

Logan: Goodbye, Dick.

Dick: What?

Logan: Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica, you leave. Actually, you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me, so just, like, evaporate or something, I dunno. That's pretty much a general invitation. If you don't like my girlfriend, then start heading towards the big rectangle with the knob.

Logan: Hey, I have to tell you something.

Veronica: I'm sorry, we're past the confessional portion of this program. We're on to the make out.

Leave It to Beaver

Cliff: Tell me this is a joke. You want to sue the Kane family?

Keith: Yes.

Cliff: Please tell me there's another Kane family in town. Maybe a Boris and Gilda Kane?

Duncan: So, anyone read the paper today? Garfield - I mean, will he ever learn? Oh yeah, and there was this other thing: I guess Abel Koontz didn't kill Lilly. Let's open the floor for discussion on that one.

Lamb: [tapping finger on table] You said you were in Mexico the day of Lilly's murder. Why?

Logan: How many episodes of NYPD Blue did you have to watch to get that finger tapping down?

Lamb: I asked you a question.

Logan: And I ignored it and moved on. Keep up. [snapping fingers]

Logan: So I guess we broke up, huh?

Veronica: What do you want me to say, Logan?

Logan: "Logan, I'm gonna go home and put my head in the oven because I can't go on living knowing what a heartless bitch I am!" Something like that.

Veronica: So you're saying you want me dead?

Logan: Yes.

Veronica: One word from me and Backup goes for your throat.

Logan: [scoffs] Is that what you'd do, boy? You'd tear out my throat? [kneels down to dog] Who's a man killer, huh? [Backup kisses Logan] Who's a man killer?

Veronica: Isn't it better like this?

Lilly: So much better.

Veronica: This is how it's supposed to be.

Lilly: Totally.

Veronica: This is how it's going to be from now on. Right? Lilly?

Lilly: [sighs] You know how things are going to be now, don't you? You have to know.

Veronica: Just like this. Just like this.

Lilly: Don't forget about me, Veronica.

Veronica: I could never.

Normal Is the Watchword

Wallace: You think it's a conspiracy?

Veronica: This is Neptune. Nothing happens accidentally.

[Veronica]: [Veronica bumps into Wallace hard] Huh! Seniors rule!

Veronica: Got any enemies you know about?

Wallace: Well, there's the Klan.

Veronica: This isn't really their M.O.

Wallace: Well, then I guess that leaves everybody that hates you

Keith: So, senior year. How was your first day at school honey?

Veronica: Great! I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money and then skipped out after lunch.

Keith: What, no pre-marital sex?

Veronica: Oh, yea... yes. But don't worry dad, I swear you're gonna like these guys.

Keith: That's my girl.

Wallace: [after failing a drug test] Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoked so much ganja, I don't even remember doing it.

Veronica: What if you did ingest an illegal substance, but it was such a mild dose that you weren't even aware of it? Eat any mystery brownies lately?

Wallace: Spirit boxes! The day of the back to school athletic banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies.

Veronica: Did you eat one?

Wallace: I ate six.

Veronica: That's my Wallace.

Veronica: [making out with Logan] My dad is probably watching us through a telescope.

Logan: He's probably impressed with your virtue.

Veronica: [laughs] And the telescope is mounted on a rifle.

Logan: [Pauses, then looks up to where Keith is supposedly watching, with rifle, and holds up his hand, fingers spread] Five more minutes. [Veronica giggles] He should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just looking to get laid.

Veronica: Wait, what are you saying? You aren't pretty?

Logan: What I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you.

Veronica: The things guys'll say to get past second base.

Keith: What's up, honey?

Veronica: Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.

Keith: Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?

Veronica: This is a health class project. Come on, you're a man -- can you give him some pointers?

Keith: [sighs, walks over to bathroom door] Wallace?

Wallace: Yup?

Keith: You try turning the water on?

Wallace: Mmmm-hmmm.

Keith: Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work.

Veronica: [pushes her dad out of the room] Eww that's disgusting. I can't even look at you. [giggles]

Veronica: Hey Dad!

Keith: Yeah honey.

Veronica: If I know the name of a business how do I find out the names of its' shareholders?

Keith: You get the strangest homework in health class.

Driver Ed

Jackie: Look, I haven't dated a guy in high school since the eighth grade.

Wallace: I'm an old soul. Seriously, these eyes have seen things. Did I mention I'm a nice guy?

Jackie: Ah, "nice." The great panty dropper.

Wallace: Okay, I'm not that nice.

Jackie: Oh, yes you are.

Wallace: How do you know?

Jackie: Because I haven't tried to make out with you yet.

Logan: Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth period English.

Kendall Casablancas: Ugh, you need to not remind me you're in high school. There's an 'ick' factor.

Logan: Is that so?

Kendall: Yeah. School in general? Not very hot. Unless I'm wearing a naughty school girl uniform. Then it's very hot.

Logan: I'm sure it would be, for the ten seconds you had it on.

Duncan: Veronica, it's not your fault.

Veronica: I'm afraid that line only works in Good Will Hunting.

Duane: Let me tell you something. If I was gonna do a kamikaze, you know, off a bridge with a bus full of kids and stuff, a convenience store would not be the site of my last meal. I'd want to eat something on the brink of extinction, you know, like the last emu. Or a meerkat. I bet they'd go down smooth.

Deputy Sacks: Hey Sheriff...you'll never believe who's in the interrogation room filling out an application.

Lamb: You're right. Who?

Sacks: Veronica Mars.

Lamb: You left her alone in there?![barges into the interrogation room] What are you up to, Veronica?

Veronica: Last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly - and really tell me the truth - how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? [Lamb pulls out her chair] Seriously, why do birds suddenly appear everytime you're near?

Big Dick: When I'm working, my family doesn't exist. Sound awful?

Logan: Mmm, no.

Big Dick: It's not. 'Cause when I'm with my family, work doesn't exist.

Logan: Yeah, I think my dad has a similar philosophy. Of course, he's a murderer, so...

Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang

Sacks: Sheriff wants to ask you some questions.

Veronica: My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him.

Lamb: So, I guess you know why you're here. You want to tell me about it?

Veronica: Okay. [exhales deeply] I confess. [pounds fist] God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my Dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason.

Lamb: He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.

Veronica: Well, that makes one of us. So are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly-constipated David Caruso?

Lamb: What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? [slides a folder of photos to her]

Veronica: Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for Whitesnake. I was singing backup for Boyz II Men. They said it would never work, but -

Lamb: I'm glad that you find this amusing.

Veronica: Another thing girls love are Jimmy Choos, Dolce & Gabana, and convertibles that cost more than the gross national product of Sri Lanka

Veronica: [voiceover] Tailing young Miss Kendall was about as hard as following Malibu Barbie to the beach house.

Duncan: Careful, Logan. You're exposing your soft underbelly.

Logan: My underbelly is rock hard. It can go all night.

Keith: I'd love to have underlings and deputies other than my daughter. She's really no good at wrestling the hopped-up meth heads into the back of the car.

Green-Eyed Monster

Veronica: [voiceover] The only way I'd ever make two grand in a week working at the Hut is if they installed a pole.

Keith: [to Alicia] You just fulfilled one of the Top 10 male fantasies...Oh yeah, a guy dreams his whole life of a beautiful woman bringing him a sandwich.

Veronica: My Dad spend the night at your place?

Wallace: Yep.

Veronica: He do the A.M. doughnut fake-out run?

Wallace: [pulls out paper bag] Want one?

Weevil: Yo, Martha. I heard you took a ride downtown behind the 187. So did you flop for the cops or did the local Wapner hook you up with some ankle bling?

Veronica: You know the deal, cuz. Every time some kitty cries in this town, one-time tries to put a call on me. Speaking of bling, what's up with the hoops? If I rub your head, do I get three wishes?

Weevil: You rub my head, and you might want to make seeing tomorrow your first wish.

Weevil: Look, should I be expecting a visit from Lamb? If I know I'm being brought in, I'll put on my good underwear, you know?

Veronica: You should really do that anyway.

Wallace: Do you own those clothes, or did you stop by Dirty Co-eds R Us?

Wallace: See, when you assume, you really just make an ass out of you

Blast from the Past

Mr. Wu: Homecoming season is upon us...

Veronica: Much like the plague.

Veronica: It sounds like you don't need a photographer from the "Neptune Navigator" who knows how to shoot your good side.

Keith: I got nothing but good sides, baby.

Veronica: It's weird that you live here. I don't want you going all 'Howard Hughes-y' on me.

Duncan: I am not a shut-in. These nails? Neatly trimmed. Though, now that you mention it, I have started bottling my own urine.

Veronica: Ew.

Veronica: [to Duncan] You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants? Now go make yourself pretty.

Veronica: [answers phone] Chesty LaRue. Hey, Duncan. I'm fine. I'm slathering up my boobs as we speak.

Rat Saw God

Dick: Dude. My stepmom?

Logan: I am a total piece of crap.

Dick: Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I've never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly there bikini of hers.

Logan: Great. So...no hard feelings?

Dick: No, she gave me a few.

Sacks: Sheriff would like to have a word with you.

Logan: And I'd like to be the cream filling of an Olsen twins sandwich, but...

Sacks: Will you come with me, please?

Logan: If I'm under arrest, then do me the courtesy of making it all official like. [Sacks cuffs Logan.] Now that's more like it.

Sacks: You're under arrest for the murder of Felix Toombs.

Logan: Ooh, I am having the weirdest déjà vu.

[Logan is picked out of a police lineup.]

Officer: Number four, step forward.

Logan: Oh wow, I'm stunned. You like me! You really like me! Well first, I'd just like to say the other, uh, nominees are all such wonderfully gifted criminals. And I wanna thank my agent and my publicist for always shooting me from the left side.

Logan: So, my tax dollars at work. Where were you? Getting thirds at the Crazy Girls lunch buffet?

Cliff: Actually, they discontinued the buffet. Some health code thing. Okay, my name is Cliff, I'll be your 'if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney' attorney. So. What are you trying to prove?

Logan: Um...my innocence?

Cliff: No. I mean with this 'poor little rich boy' stunt. Having me represent you doesn't make you look innocent. It makes you look like an arrogant jackass. If the witness' story holds, you are going to trial.

Logan: Hmm. The guy's lying.

Cliff: June 27th: you gave testimony saying that you couldn't remember a thing. Now, he comes forward saying he saw you, bloody knife in hand, ranting like a maniac over a dead body.

Logan: And what exactly did I say, huh?

Cliff: "The [expletive] [racial expletive] had it [maternal expletive] coming."

Logan: [explaining the benefits of an ankle monitor] ...And the other sweet thing is that I'm in constant video contact with Martha Stewart, right?

Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

Veronica: [reciting The Big Lebowski]I'm not Mr. Lebowski, your Mr. Lebowski

Duncan: Veronica, you need to stop being The Dude.

Veronica: Stoner Bowler doesn't do it for you?

Duncan: A little. Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice.

Veronica: These lips? I've had them for years, I can't do a thing with them.

Logan: Seriously, though. I was reading 'The Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide,' and we should come up with, like, some kind of codeword for when you guys are feeling frisky and don't want to be disturbed.

Veronica: Like "scram"?

Logan: I was thinking..."awkward." But scram is good. Or "amscray." [Opens the door to see Kendall] You're not my grilled cheese.

Kendall: No. [Notices Veronica and Duncan sitting on the couch] iPod girl. With the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.

Veronica: Like this big. [gestures with her thumb and finger]

Logan: My codeword will be..."endurance."

Duncan: [kisses Veronica's neck] Now where were we?

Veronica: We were making out on the couch and then that happened. [points to the room Logan and Kendall just entered]

Keith: Look who got an invite to the Sheriff Department's Fundraiser/Bachelor Auction.

Veronica: Please say "Veronica Mars."

Keith: Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can. I'm wondering if they'll sell Sheriff Lamb by the pound.

Mrs. Hauser: All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.

Veronica: All right, Gia, we can be partners, but no glove, no love.

Dick: Yeah, let's get the dried-up divorcée to teach us about sex.

Gia: I heard her husband left her for a man.

Dick: And now we get bitchy and bitter for a year.

Gia: Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?

Mrs. Hauser: No, Gia. Chlamydia is not a flower.

Gia: Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.

Veronica: Your trellis is a whore.

Madison: Pretty Woman is still my favorite movie. Vivian is, like, my hero.

Veronica: She's a hooker.

Gia: Only because she had to be.

Veronica: She's a hooker.

Keith: When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.

Veronica: Sorry. I drive now. And I'm not 9.

Keith: You'll always be 9 to me. Going on 30. [notices smell and starts sniffing Veronica's jacket]

Veronica: Whoa, you two need to be alone?

Keith: I know we had the smoking talking somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.

Veronica: Actually I think it was more of a sentence - "don't smoke" - and it was between "The Adventures of Pooh" and "Good Night, Moon."

Keith: [holds out jacket] 'Splain.

Ahoy, Mateys!

Logan: Didn't your dad say that the cigar store's a front for drug dealers? I mean, that's gotta be something.

Veronica: Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.

Logan: Well, I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at 20 to life.

Veronica: Oh, you're being a jackass. It must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.

Logan: Well, you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.

Clemmons: Look, I'm just the vice-principal. Anything I say on the subject has to be cleared by the principal, so -

Veronica: So you're just a powerless factotum and I should talk to Principal Moorehead?

Clemmons: Yes... Exactly.

Veronica: What's this four-week gap here?

Mac: Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.

Veronica: Do you know why?

Mac: I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.

Veronica: The show's still on?

Mac: A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.

Veronica: Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?

Mac: Yes. [she doesn't continue and Veronica gives a look] Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. [Veronica scoffs] We can track the signal.

Veronica: I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. [both laugh]

Mac: Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.

Marcos: [as "Cap'n Krunk"] The winner of this week's "Cock of the Walk" Countdown -

Butters: [as "Imitation Crab"] Don't leave 'em hangin' Cap'n.

Marcos: It's Logan Echolls.

Butters: That's 40 weeks running.

Marcos: Rosemary's Baby: The Teen Years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself, too. [splash sound effect]

Butters: Seriously, Cap'n, you name your daughter Roxie, and it's guaranteed at some point she'll be showing her cans for cash.

Marcos: I'm saving up for that very day.

Butters: Or get a varsity jacket and four liters of wine cooler and you can see 'em for free! Yeah, Becker's a date rapist, but in his defense, he's hideous and stupid, so meeting girls is hard.

Logan: Any news on Nip/Schmuck?

Veronica: It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.

Logan: Well, as far as I know, I've done nothing to get their Irish up.

Veronica: And I'm working on the connections, okay?

Logan: If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.

Veronica: If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.

Logan: Help me, Mars-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Butters: Marcos wasn't gay.

Veronica: You sure about that?

Butters: Positive. He talked about chicks all the time. He wasn't a fairy; he was a Playboy-loving booty hound.

Veronica: Do me a favor: never describe me.

My Mother, the Fiend

Mrs. Hauser: Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen... [takes animatronic baby out of box] Welcome to Parenthood.

Veronica: So that's where babies come from.

Kendall: Hi, baby. What took you so long? [she kisses Logan]

Logan: Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, [wipes lips] I'd have raced home.

Kendall: I brought a surprise for you. I figured you and Duncan could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share or... take turns or something.

Logan: Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin.

Kendall: No, I'm talking about Dick's Maserati.

Trina: Wait a minute. Are you like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he - 13?

Kendall: Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about?

Logan: Oh, yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls. Rode Hard, meet Put Away Wet.

Trina: Hmm. I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be.

Kendall: Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks?

Trina: There is. I don't think you'd like it. It's 21 and over. We're hitting an after party at Chuck E. Cheese though, if you're free. Okay, well, I need him in bed by ten p.m. sharp, he's got school tomorrow. [squeezes Logan's cheeks] Night, all. [exits]

Logan: Well, the joke's on her - she came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line.

Mrs. Murphy: You always ask to go to the bathroom during this period.

Logan: I know. It's that 12-pack I slam at lunch. It goes right through me.

Logan: I hope that tape didn't burn too much when they ripped it off. I hear that can leave some chafing.

Weevil: You made the wrong play, dawg. I shouldn't let you live for what you pulled.

Logan: What I pulled? Hang on, compadre, let's recap. You blasted a shotgun through my car with me inside.

Weevil: That wasn't me.

Logan: You torched my house. Then your masked bandidos played Russian Roulette with my hand. Okay, my math says that you still owe me.

Weevil: I thought you killed Felix.

Logan: Well, I didn't.

Weevil: Yeah, I pretty much know that now.

Logan: Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology?

Weevil: We have something in common now. We both need to find out who killed Felix.

Logan: So what, we team up? Get matching capes? I ride shotgun in the sidecar?

Weevil: Something like that, but not yet. See, I can't let you leave here looking the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus.

Logan: Well, I hope you don't just expect me to stand here and take it.

Weevil: Wouldn't be much fun if you did.

Logan: So who's going to throw the first - [bell rings, Weevil punches first and they all-out fight]

Mac: Pay me in cash, I ask no questions. Just tip me off when you're going public.

Beaver: You know, I think that might be illegal.

Mac: Still... you're admiring my moxie, aren't you?

Beaver: Something like that.

Veronica: The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago.

Trina: No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy.

Veronica: Trina, I'm dead serious.

Trina: Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural.

Veronica: You were found in a girls' bathroom on prom night.

Trina: What? So you mean my mother was like, one of those trashy sluts that dumped me in a garbage can?

Veronica: I'm... pretty sure Celeste Kane is your mom.

Trina: Well, there's worse news you could've given me. They've got billions!

Veronica: I suppose they do. Um... I was going to use this audition tape to smoke her out, shame her. I was gonna send this video to all the tabloids.

Trina: Oh, you're a rascal, Veronica Mars.

Veronica: Am I? I was thinking I was something else... less flattering.

Trina: You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail.

One Angry Veronica

Duncan: Last spring... before we broke up...

Veronica: Okay, stop, I was shown a diagram once. I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?

Duncan: This has nothing to do with us.

Veronica: Oh, no. Nothing? Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.

Lamb: [admiring himself in the mirror after bench pressing] You know, Keith, you really should've done more to push fitness when you were here.

Keith: Yeah, I was going to get to that, but the crime-fighting kept getting in the way.

Veronica: Oh, hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro?

Thumper: My name is Thumper. Not that you really care.

Veronica: Oh, I care... deeply. I guess you heard about our new cranberry walnut crumb cake. It's true: it's cran-tastic.

Keith: [to Veronica] I'm sorry, I was looking for my apartment, but I seem to have stumbled upon some sort of magical winter wonderland instead. Why, perhaps this elf can help me.

Veronica: I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room. Presents, presents, presents!

Veronica: Do you see the moving truck out front? Ms. Moana Lisa and Mr. Outside Voice next door finally got the boot. Two old acquaintances that should be forgotten.

Donut Run

Logan: Hi-ho.

Veronica: What did you say?

Logan: Oh, your uniform. Hi-ho. It's off to work you go.

Veronica: Guess that makes me Snow White.

Logan: You must be on your way up to see Mopey.

Veronica: How is he doing, Sleazy?

Walace: Oh, that's just pathetic. Up! Get up! I came here to see Veronica Mars. Who's this... Emo girl?

Veronica: Leave me alone. I'm wallowing.

Wallace: Not anymore. We're going out. We gotta go see a movie or get in a barfight or something.

Veronica: I don't wanna get in a barfight.

Wallace: Tough, 'cause you're goin if I have to drag you. But before we do, Veronica: Shower. You smell bad.

Veronica: You're not helping. You think you're helping. But you're not.

Vinnie Van Lowe: Hey, Veronica! What's the haps?

Veronica: Oh, you know. I didn't think there'd be air conditioning, but, other than that, this is pretty much how I pictured Hell.

Veronica: I have no idea where he is, and if I did, you would be the... [counting fingers] last person I'd tell.

Vinnie: Am I hearing you right? Because you'd tell Osama bin Laden before you tell me? Because back in my day, we had a little thing called patriotism.

Logan: What's the word?

Dick: The one they call Bootsy told me "no" and went on to suggest I perform sexual intercourse upon my own person.

Logan: Doesn't he understand? If you could do that, you'd never come to school.

Dick: Boy, that's the truth.

Lamb: So... The FBI. I've thought about it, you know. But big fish, small town has its perks. Still, who knows? I still might apply.

Morris: You go to college?

Lamb: For a year. Blew out a knee at Southwest Texas playing ball.

Morris: Speak a foreign language?

Lamb: A little Mexican. Enough to get by. I tell 'em to turn their music down.

Morris: Any expertise in computer science, law, physics, chemistry, forensics, mathematics?

Lamb: Expertise...?

Morris: Small town, big fish: You know, I'd ride with that.

Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle

Veronica: So, the manager's boyfriend just dumped her, and she says this helps with the stress.

Wallace: What is it?

Veronica: A German chocolate nut-gasm.

Wallace: I don't think that's going to help.

Weevil: Where did you guys even meet?

Molly: At church. St. Mary's.

Weevil: Of course. The only place the micks and the spics ever get together without someone getting punched.

Cliff: It's called self-surrender. At the negotiated time - five days hence - Wallace Fennel will turn himself into the Neptune sheriff's department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police.

Wallace: What if I'm not there?

Cliff: Then they'll issue a warrant, you'll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up "married" to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual.

Veronica: Or prove your innocence.

Cliff: Or that. Suit yourself.

Veronica: And how can I help you, sir?

Weevil: I need a favor.

Veronica: Ah, a favor - one of our specialties.

Weevil: I need you to bug the confessional at St. Mary's church.

Veronica: Um... I'm sorry. That's not on our menu. Maybe you should try "You're crazy" down the street?

Logan: [from the next table over] It's not just for him.

Veronica: Isn't this a very odd coincidence? Or, wait - are you guys, like, roomies now and he ate your peanut butter and now you're not speaking?

Logan: Funny you should bring up roomies, as I just lost one. I don't suppose you could help me find where Duncan disappeared?

Veronica: Ooh, sorry, one favor per customer.

Weevil: Uh, yeah, can we stay focused here? 'Cause if we're seen together by the wrong people, that would be bad.

Veronica: So, this is sneaking? I've got a pantomine-horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass?

Logan: Yeah, I'm glad my misfortunes amuse you.

Logan: Look, Veronica, can you just once save my ass without comment?

Veronica: No. Because saving your ass with comment, it just... it works better for me.

Lamb: What do you mean by, "it smelled"?

Dick: Dude, it smelled - like the ass of something that died.

Lamb: And you can't say what it was?

Dick: I'm not, like, a professional smellologist.

Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough

Veronica: Slushies! Get your ice-cold, frozen... sugar water...

Logan: You had me at "ice cold."

Veronica: What's your poison?

Logan: Oh, emotionally unavailable women. [looks at choices] Let's see, uh... I want something that suits my mood.

Veronica: Ooh, I'm sorry, we're all out of liquid evil.

Logan: I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue.

Veronica: Hot date?

Logan: Rain check? A night with the fellas. You know how it is.

Weevil:Is it your undying love for me,or just good old fashioned lust?

Veronica:Que?

Weevil:That kept you from turning me in?

Veronica:(she pauses)Love......Of rollercoasters.And hatred of anything that requires me to tie a sweater over my shoulders and be at sea with my classmates....Nothing to do with you.(they both give a small smile to each other)

Logan: Oh the rich, how they mock you. [hands Veronica a $50 bill]

Veronica: There's a $50 bill?

Logan: Had them made special.

Dick: I am so good at this game, bro.

Logan: Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick.

Jackie: This school genuinely sucks.

Veronica: True dat.

Mrs. Hauser: In less than three minutes, Veronica Mars has lost all the senior trip money.

Veronica: Is that a record?

Madison: You want to save yourself some time? Start with her. We all saw her, lurking around.

Jackie: Lurking? Uh, you mean "standing while black"?

Veronica: [to jackie] I'm about to go watch Mr. Hauser swarm in her own personal hell. If you're not doing anything..?

Veronica: [to Madison Sinclair] Hey 3 grand Madison! We're Magic Mountain bound baby. [turns to leave] Oh, there's a ride there called the Viper. Isn't that like...your mothership?

Versatile Toppings

Veronica: Why can't the evil just get jobs like the rest of us?

Veronica: Jackie and I aren't exactly the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. She's not what you'd call huggable.

Keith: Whereas you warm right up to people? Hmm.

Dick: Dude, why are lesbians, like, so pissed off all the time? Let your freak flag fly, ladies!

Veronica: How progressive of you, Dick.

Dick: Damn, what is it with you? Do you follow me around for fun, or what?

Veronica: Would it help if I started making out with my girlfriend in the hall?

Dick: Yeah! Obviously. But look, I'll fix your car, whatever. You gotta learn to leave me alone.

Veronica: And here I thought we were getting to be pals.

Dick: Please. You date Logan, he's nailed for murder. You date Duncan, he's wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter's jury, they get sent to Chino. You're like rich-dude Kryptonite, Veronica. This rich dude wants no part of it.

Veronica: So are you ready to be the bait, Corny?

Corny: Hell yeah. No one's better. I'm what you call the "Master Bait."

Veronica: I need you to get me into a restricted website.

Mac: Sure, what's the address?

Veronica: I don't know.

Mac: What's it for?

Veronica: It's a Neptune High gay chat room.

Mac: Veronica, you're not...

Veronica: No, I'm just curious. [chuckles] Curious as to what's posted on the website, more accurately. Here we go. Work your funky magic. [beat] And... nothing. What's the problem? [Mac stares at Veronica without speaking] ...You set it up, didn't you?

Jackie: You can ride with me if you want. I realize it's no bus filled with rowdy towel-snapping jocks, but it'll smell better.

Veronica: I don't know. Um... do you have room for my giant foam finger?

Jackie: I do, and I can even drop you off around the block if you're worried about being seen together.

Veronica: Yes. Please, by all means, protect my reputation.

The Quick and the Wed

Jane: Veronica!

Veronica: Hey, party girl.

Jane: I need your help.

Veronica: Let me guess: the "Pin the Penis on the Fireman" game ended in tears?

Logan: So, you want me to come over after school?

Hannah: The words out of your mouth are, "come over," but all I hear you saying is, "Let's have sex."

Logan: Excuse me? All I heard you say was, "Let's have sex."

Cliff: They've set a trial date sixty days from today.

Logan: Whatever will I wear?

Cliff: The D.A. is offering a one-time deal, a plea bargain.

Logan: I'm not interested.

Cliff: You should be. They're talking involuntary manslaughter. That brings your maximum sentence down from eleven years to four. With good behavior - if you could muster some - you'd be out in half that.

Logan: [incredulous] Two years?

Cliff: Logan, [sighs] let me remind you the prosecution has witnesses. The good kind - eyewitnesses.

Logan: Cholo lowlives and a lying cokehead plastic surgeon.

Cliff: A prominent, well-respected cokehead doctor. And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the "Tinseltown Diaries"? Jurors love convicting smug, rich boys - it's a fact. I've asked around - and I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.

Logan: Even if I had stabbed Felix, which I didn't, it would've been self defense. I got jumped by a gang. Argue that.

Cliff: I plan to, but the doctor didn't see a gang. He saw three bikers, one of them bleeding to death, a knife in your hand. He'll testify that you weren't in peril when you stabbed Felix.

Logan: No deal.

Cliff: Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt.

Veronica: I had the printers forego the phallic framing. Penises can sometimes be distracting.

Aaron: [in jail] So...to what do I owe the pleasure?

Kendall: I'm here to tempt you, Aaron.

Aaron: Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say...with what?

Kendall: Huge tracts of land...more action than I can handle. I'm here to offer you a piece.

Aaron: So I guess Big Dick still has his fingers in a few pies, huh?

Kendall: My husband's got quite a reach. Some are saying that he might be working abroad. [winks] Aaron, how would you like to walk out of here a richer man?

Aaron: Ahh! You're cash-strapped. Now I get it. I can help. But... [imitating Hannibal Lecter] quid pro quo, Mrs. C. Quid pro quo. F-f-f-f-f-f-f.

Kendall: Impressive Hannibal. Well, they told me the glass is bulletproof, but I'm betting I could talk you through it. [unbuttons her top]

Paul: Where have you been?

Heidi: We have a whole lifetime for stories. Let's do this thing. [to priest] Lay it on me, preacher man.

Paul: Uh, I demand to know what you've been up to.

Heidi: I didn't ask you what you were doing for your bachelor party. And after finding whipped cream in your underwear, I think I was entitled.

Paul: You were entitled? You - the one who sexed up every wannabe rock star in southern California? You know, if I wanted to marry Tawny Kitaen, I would have gotten a nipple pierced.

Heidi: How can you say that to me? Like I would ever sex up a drummer. Lead singer, yes. Maybe the occasional guitar player...

Kendall: And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money.

Logan: I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate.

The Rapes of Graff

Dean: Okay, so we're gonna play a game called "Two Truths and a Lie." Does everyone have a buddy? [Veronica raises her hand] All alone?

Veronica: It's all right. I prefer it.

Dean: Lie. See, that's how the game works. [to group] You have to tell your partner two facts and one lie and they have to guess which one is the lie, all right? [to Veronica] Okay, so go ahead.

Veronica: Okay, I'm Veronica. I'm from Neptune. And I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Dean: Oh, how'd that go?

Veronica: It was a bit of a letdown.

Dean: Hmm. Well, uh, I don't believe that you're from Neptune.

Veronica: Wrong. Is that the end?

Dean: Um, okay. Well, my name is Dean, I'm from Wheaton, Illinois. My father owns a Ford dealership, and I also shot a man in Reno, but it wasn't to watch him die, it was for, other issues.

Veronica: Your father doesn't sell Fords.

Dean: That's right, Toyotas. How did you know?

Veronica: It's all in the eyes.

Dean: All right, well, I guess I'll have to watch out for you next year.

Veronica: Oh, I won't be attending.

Dean: All right, enough lies.

Dick: Dude! So we hanging this weekend or that chick still have your sack locked up in her Easy-Bake Oven?

Logan: Actually, I am now a free man.

Dick: The way we should be, man.

Logan: "We"? What happened to Madison?

Dick: [scoffs] Bailed. According to her friend, she met someone more mature.

Logan: Where, Legoland?

Dick: Pfft. Whatever, man. Maturity is like one of the two most overrated things on the planet.

Logan: The other being?

Dick: Chicks.

Logan: Oh, so this worked out great for you.

Dick: Dude, why do you think I'm in such a great mood? Screw it. This weekend, you and me are partying like Ozzy.

Dean: I saw you talking to that guy. What'd you talk about?

Veronica: Jane Austen. But he dissed Pride and Prejudice, so I had to throw a beer on him.

Cliff: I want to emphasize this should not be construed as coercion. We're just showing you a picture. [shows Lamb a photo of him and Madison]

Keith: That's Madison Sinclair, who I believe takes World History with my daughter.

Lamb: [looks around, lowers his voice] So, what? This is blackmail? She's 18. That's legal.

Keith: Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election. [shows him a "campaign flyer": 18 - It's Legal! Re-Elect Don Lamb]

Wallace: That's Veronica Mars - making friends and influencing people wherever she goes. See, if you come here next year, you've already got enemies. Just feel right at home.

Keith: You´re back early.

Veronica: Yeah, I ditched the goodbye hugging, can you believe it?

Keith: You? Miss Hug. So you must be tired. Why don´t you lie in your...[interrupted by knocking]

Prostitute: Is Keith here?

Veronica: Dad... your hooker's here.

Keith: Escort, honey... So why don´t you go to your room and do your... blog or whatever you kids do.

Plan B

Veronica: "Freedom. That's what it's all about, but talking about it and being it - that's two different things."

Logan: Whew. You came up all deliberate-like. I figured you wanted to be first in line to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance, not recite my prize-winning essay.

Veronica: Neither, actually. I'm quoting Easy Rider, which you may remember making me watch last summer?

Logan: That's funny, that sounds a lot like my essay.

Weevil: I need your help.

Veronica: Ah, if I had fifty bucks every time someone said that.

Weevil: Look, I know it's a drag being you, and...

Veronica: No, seriously. I'm gonna need fifty bucks if you expect me to keep listening.

Logan: So this is staking out, huh? It looks sexier in the movies.

Veronica: Did you hear anything from Hannah?

Logan: Does deafening silence count?

Veronica: You know, I'm not sure, but I think when they start shipping your girlfriends off, you are officially a bad boy. [they high-five each other]

Logan: Her dad and your dad should get together and go bowling.

Mac: This serves as a preemptive apology for the conversation that's about to take place. Okay, and... Beaver and I occasionally, you know, make out.

Veronica: I made out once, back in the day. I think he had me pinned up against a woolly mammoth.

Mac: So, not that I'm an expert in this stuff, but four months, typical high school boy - there should be some... under-the-bra action, no?

Veronica: Let me consult my 'Idiot's Guide to Wanton Behavior': basically, you're asking me because I'm the sluttiest person you know?

Mac: Um, "slutty" is your word choice. Mine was "worldly."

Veronica: So four months and nada?

Mac: Hand holding, kissing.

Veronica: Tongue?

Mac: Some tongue.

Veronica: Ass grabbing?

Mac: Helped me brush the dog hair off my pants once.

Lamb: Still picking winners, huh, Veronica?

Veronica: I told you, when I start picking losers, it's all you.

Weevil: You know, an 09er could come in here with tea leaves and a Ouija board and they'd send out a SWAT team. It's time for plan B.

Veronica: Not just yet, Dirty Harry.

Weevil: In case you haven't noticed, I ain't no mick cop.

Veronica: Uh, okay. Dirty Sanchez?

I Am God

Keith: Did you watch House of Wax again? You know that Hilton girl gives you nightmares.

[Veronica walks up behind Logan and knees him in the back of his leg.]

Veronica: Yep, I have no idea what compelled me to do that.

Logan: Is it because you're five?

Veronica: I'm a little punchy. I haven't been sleeping.

Logan: Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Sometimes I'm up all night, just thinkin' about myself.

Veronica: Remind me: why did we break up?

Logan: Well, you thought the other guy had greener grass. Or was it something about me being too much man? No, wait. It was you - you were too much man.

Logan: Mr. Wu must really like his egg-drop soup.

Dick: Uh, does this assignment come with [Chinese accent] pot stickah?

Mr. Wu: Students! This experiment is a major test grade. For some of you, [looking at Dick] it means passing this class or not.

Dick: [to Logan] Dude, is Mr. Wu hitting on me?

Mr. Wu: Okay, people, that does it. I'm assigning your partners alphabetically. Dick, I think it's a bad idea for you and Mr. Echolls to be working together.

Dick: So bad, it's good?

Mr. Wu: No.

Dick: [to Logan] God, I don't know how I'm gonna quit you. Shh! It's not me, it's Wu.

Keith: My coat?

Clemmons: Right. It's in the closet.

Keith: [opens the door and sees Veronica hiding inside] Yup. That's mine, all right.

Veronica: Peter was gearing up for what he called the "outing of all outings." I was wondering if he was pulling his favorite teacher out of the closet.

Mr. Wu: [sighs] Veronica, I think when you get out in the world a little more, you'll discover that not all well-dressed, articulate, detail-oriented men are gay. Many of them are just... Asian.

Nevermind the Buttocks

Veronica: Mac Attack, what's the haps?

Mac: I got mugged. By my own principal. They took my cell-phone interceptor and apparently plan on keeping it until the end of the year. What happened to "end of the day"? Why wasn't that working?

Veronica: Everyone still kept bringing in their cell-phone interceptors?

Mac: Is there any chance you can get it back for me? I borrowed it from a buddy at Radio Shack because, apparently, I've become a psycho ex-girlfriend and I wanted to listen to Beaver's cell phone calls. [Veronica is silent] You're judging me.

Veronica: Nope. I'm judging myself. Why don't I have a cell phone interceptor?

Mac: Please, respect the business model, Veronica. I do the gadgets. You do the actual espionage.

[Veronica knocks three times, each punctuated by a brief silence.]

Butters: That was your secret knock?

Veronica: The genius is its simplicity.

Butters: We have exactly eleven minutes before my dad gets back. The box is under there.

Mac: Wow, Butters, this is - this is way cool of you.

Butters: Just so you know, I'm an excellent dancer, so, don't worry about that.

Mac: [confused] Oh... okay. I'll try not to...

Butters: Well, I don't have to dance, though. I enjoy it, but I also enjoy a good conversation.

Veronica: Look! Fake vomit - courtesy of locker 213. And whoever is in locker 792 is sans one "Smell it, Bitch" T-shirt.

Butters: So, Mac, what color dress are you wearing?

Mac: I'm actually wearing pants.

Butters: [laughs] I just don't want the corsage to be, like, blue, and your dress is red and you think I'm an idiot.

Mac: Veronica?

Veronica: [holds up a book with a tag attached that reads '#333'] Do you mind if I give this Anarchist Cookbook back to Weevil?

Butters: You know his locker number?

Veronica: Who else would brag about meeting Satan halfway?

Keith: Can you think of any reason Logan would have got three calls from Kendall on the day of the crash?

Veronica: [sighs] Well, let's see...I believe the Latin term is coitus sordidus.

Keith: They were sleeping together? [Veronica nods] That was weeks before Kendall's husband fled the country.

Veronica: Logan may be a little fuzzy on the commandments.

Veronica: You here to confess? Is that your tail I see between your legs?

Weevil: No. But I can see how you might get confused.

Look Who's Stalking

[Veronica sees Wallace and Jackie kissing against her locker. She pushes them aside.]

Veronica: Please, get a room. In Australia.

Wallace: Hey, we're practicing for the prom.

Veronica: What debutante bit you and turned you into prom zombie?

Jackie: [waves] We just gave in, the whole nine yards - the ridiculous dress, the tux, lobster dinner, and limo. I mean, it happens once. Why not go all out?

Mac: Because no one sold you as an indentured servant to Butters.

Veronica: Mac, I didn't think he'd actually -

Mac: He's picking me up in a Hummer limousine, we're having dinner on a replica pirate ship, and I suspect he's hired a zeppelin for the ride home. I'm going to fill my pockets with rocks, get a good grip on your ankle, and I'm going to jump off the top of -

Clemmons: [over loudspeaker] Attention students: due to a significant number of alcohol related violations on the senior trip, this year's prom has been cancelled. That is all.

Mac: Yes! Prayer works!

Veronica: Mrs. C. I trust you're well.

Kendall: Oh, well, if it isn't Little Miss Teen Getaway. Your dad and I were just dealing with a little trouble.

Veronica: Like, trouble with a capital "T", that rhymes with "C", that stands for -

Keith: Veronica!

Veronica: I was gonna say "cute."

Veronica: Cameras are on the roof, so if this guy followed you here, we should be able to spot him.

Gia: Wow, how Mission Impossible! I feel like at any moment, Tom Cruise is going to dangle from the ceiling on cables.

Veronica: Great. Now I won't be able to sleep. I hope he doesn't try to marry me.

Veronica: Okay, I have news. The senior memories once thought lost forever can, in fact, be generated after all, albeit in a slightly degraded form. The rich kids are throwing a private replacement prom.

Wallace: Damn, they just privatizing everything these days.

Jackie: [looking at invitation] Alterna-Prom? Hmm, formal attire.

Wallace: That's what I'm talking about.

Veronica: Please don't give us the tux speech again.

Wallace: What? You mean how, when I put on a tux, I make James Bond look like Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel?

Logan: Who are you taking to the Alterna-Prom?

Dick: Well, I considered a lot of chicks, but finally, I figured I'd just go stag. I mean, it's not the prom. It's the Alterna-Prom. Why narrow my options?

Logan: Shot down, huh?

Dick: It's like a conspiracy.

Logan: It's a good thing we're graduating. Sounds like you've hit that point where every girl in school knows you.

Dick: Bring on the sorority girls!

Veronica: I'm stuck on something, and hoped you could help me.

Keith: Absolutely. Unless it's Physics or Chemistry. Or Math. Or English. P.E. - I was good at P.E.

Logan: I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me.

Veronica: Epic how?

Logan: Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. Epic. But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you leave town... and then it's over.

Veronica: Logan...

Logan: I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...

Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?

Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

Happy Go Lucky

Keith: When you get your chance to testify, it's important you keep yourself in check, okay? Aaron's lawyer is gonna use everything in his bag of tricks to rile you.

Veronica: Ah, but here's the thing - I'm "unrileable." Easygoing Veronica Mars: that's what the kids at school call me.

Keith: You sure you don't want to go over your testimony with the lawyers again?

Veronica: You know what I want, more than anything in the world? I want to be there, in court, watching Aaron at the moment the jury reads the verdict. I want to see that smirk wiped from his face. I want to see his expression at the exact moment he realizes he'll never be a free man again.

Keith: "Easygoing Veronica Mars," huh? [kisses her forehead] You know how fat men are sometimes called "Tiny"?

Veronica: Do you know how long I've wanted to go to Stanford?

Wallace: Since middle school.

Veronica: Elementary, my dear Wallace.

[Wallace and Jackie chuckle.]

Veronica: Do you have any idea how long I've waited to say that?

Keith: I'm thinking about getting you some sort of... giant hamster ball, so you can roll everywhere in this protective sphere.

Veronica: It'd just draw attention to me. Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.

Wallace: You better enjoy this, 'cause this is as nostalgic as I get. I just wanted to say, it was worth getting taped to a pole. I'm gonna miss you.

Veronica: And my stupid ass face?

Wallace: This conversation never happened. [Walks away]

Veronica: Sure it did.

["Amber is a bitch" has been keyed on Beaver's car.]

Veronica: Hey, Cassidy. Who's Amber?

Beaver: I have no idea.

Veronica: They keyed the wrong car? How's Amber gonna know that she's a bitch?

Weevil: This is pointless.

Beaver: [sighs] Okay, look, so you know quadratic equations, right?

Weevil: Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh?

Beaver: I'm just trying to see what you already know.

Weevil: Zero! You want your car fixed? Teach me.

Beaver: Okay, okay. All right, look, so this equation right here, what do you think we should do first?

Weevil: Am I a five-year-old girl, huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, c'mon! Make me understand.

Beaver: Okay, okay! Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy wanna buy a 12-pack of a certain item, say, like, uh, spark plugs for "X" dollars, and you wanna find out how many of another item, like, um, I dunno, like oil, that you can get for the same amount. Except oil is "Y" times as much -

Weevil: If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you. Or myself. It's a toss-up. Screw it, man. I'll just cheat.

Beaver: No, look... but what about my car?

Weevil: You know power buffers, right? Well, let's say your door panel is a summer home, right, and you need to clear out the south lawn to make a tennis court, so -

Mac: [from next table over] F-O-I-L. That's all it is. First, Outside, Inside, Last. All algebra - it's just the formula.

Weevil: Now can you teach me that?

Mac: You'll still fix his car?

Weevil: That's the deal.

Mac: Okay, say you and your buddy buy a 12-pack of spark plugs... [Weevil glares] I'm just kidding.

[Mac is marking Weevil's work.]

Weevil: Okay, you put another "X" on that paper, and we're gonna have a problem.

Mac: I'd put little smiley faces, but I don't know if that's gonna sell "wrong."

Beaver: I told you you went too fast on balancing equations.

Mac: I didn't go too fast!

Beaver: You plowed right through! I didn't even understand what you were talking about.

Mac: No surprise there.

Beaver: What, you're saying you're smarter than me?

Mac: No, I wasn't. Here's how that would've sounded like: "I'm smarter than you." Hear the difference?

Beaver: You don't really believe that.

Mac: Then why did I get it tattooed on my hip?

Beaver: If this what you need to do to feel better about yourself...

Mac: [to Weevil] If I get you an A, will you shiv him?

Weevil: Hey, I got an idea. How about you two geniuses go work out your aggression in some coat room and then come back here and teach me algebra, huh?

Not Pictured

Veronica: [voiceover] So this is how it is. The innocent suffer, the guilty go free, and truth and fiction are pretty much interchangeable. ...There is neither a Santa Claus, nor an Easter Bunny, and there no angels watching over us. Things just happen for no reason, and nothing makes any sense.

Keith: I'm on a flight to Reno leaving an hour after graduation.

Veronica: I don't know if I like the idea of you running around a place full of armed, drunk businessmen.

Keith: That's why I rarely go to Texas.

Keith: For you, on this momentous occasion. [hands her an envelope]

Veronica: [smells and shakes envelope] A pony?!

Clemmons: I can't decide if my life is going to be easier or more difficult with you gone. Anything I should know in case I get another one like you someday?

Veronica: Don't keep all your passwords taped on the bottom of your stapler. And stay cool, Mr. C.

Veronica: Where's your brother?

Dick: I think he took Ghost World up to his room. They're probably up there makin' love. Or playing Dungeons and Dragons. Or both, at the same time. They're both, like, 12th-level dorks. Just sayin'.

Keith: You all packed?

Veronica: Vagabond shoes and all. And pepper spray, for if we run into that Trump character.

Logan sees Beaver about to jump off the roof

Logan: Beaver, don't!

Beaver: My name is Cassidy!

Logan: Cassidy, don't!

Beaver: Why not?

[Silence]

Beaver: Thought so. [He jumps]

Beaver: Yeah, sorry about that. I know this might be a [snickers] bad time to ask for a favor, but how would you feel, now that you have nothing left to live for, about just rolling off the edge? It's just, I really don't want your DNA all over my shirt.

Welcome Wagon

Veronica: [imitating Clint Eastwood] You a bounty hunter, boy?

Logan: I really shouldn't have pushed for the Clint Eastwood marathon. Now I've ruined you. I didn't think it was possible to make you more butch. Stupid, stupid Logan. Well, wanna feel like a man, walk me to class?

Veronica: [normal voice] Carry your books?

Logan: Why not? [they start walking to class] Guess who I saw on campus today?

Veronica: Some girl going wild? As I understand it, it happens all the time in college. I'm on the verge of it right now.

Logan: No, Dick, my BFF.

Veronica: I thought he was crashing with his dad in the Caymans.

Logan: Well, he's back.

Veronica: Did you guys talk?

Logan: Yeah, but it was brief - shouted his name, flipped me off: the bonds of friendship.

Keith: Vinnie. What brings you to the good part of the wrong side of the tracks?

Vinnie: Dollar signs, mi amigo. The almighty buck. I got a case that requires a little double-detective duty. Lucky Pierre owns a jewelry store and suspects that he's got an embezzler. What do you say, huh? [holds out fist] Wonder Twin powers, activate.

Veronica: Daaad, come here.

Veronica: You never believe it, a mate from my hotel in New York found a flash card with our vacation pictures on it. Look.

Keith: HOT DOG!

Veronica: Hot Dog?

Keith: Its an expression of excitement and ethusiasm.

Wallace: Took this side. Hope that's cool.

Piz: Yeah, no sweat. I rarely wear clothes indoors. Hope that's cool.

Wallace: [chuckles, then stops abruptly] No, that's not cool at all.

Mac: If college is a boy buffet, she's got two full plates and a purse full of boys wrapped in napkins.

...

Mac: Look at her...she's like boynip.

Veronica: [to Logan after sex] Woof! You should seriously consider going pro in that.

Rat boy: We saw you get ripped off.

Veronica: You're twelve. What were you doing up at Hearst?

Ferret boy: Checking out the college girls laying out. Some of them go topless.

Wallace: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up right there, son. Tell us exactly where this sunbathing goes on.

Ferret boy: South quad, where that statue is.

Veronica: What are you saying you saw?

Piz: Is it the Randolph Hearst statue, or the amorphous blobby thing?

My Big Fat Greek Rush Week

Mac: [sighs] I have "There's Got to Be a Morning After" stuck in my head. If I start singing, kill me.

Veronica: [reading invitation] "Tasteful" floral dresses? All my florals are trampy. Seriously, I don't have a thing with a flower that's not in the tube top or hot pant family.

Veronica: [voiceover] I guess "dress to impress" meant "dress like your favorite Pussycat Doll."

Veronica: [voiceover] The '70s had the Hustle. The '80s, the moonwalk. We have the faux-lesbian dance.

Veronica: [voiceover] The best way to keep a guy at least ten feet away? Dry heave. Vomit is the new mace.

Keith: 'Sup?

Veronica: I'm not acknowledging that.

Witchita Linebacker

Veronica: [about two girls] New friends?

Logan: Yeah, from weightlifting class.

Veronica: Right! The only class you never miss. So, what - you guys, like, spot each other doing squat thrusts and stuff?

Logan: And have group sex in the showers. [Veronica scoffs] What is this, jealous?

Veronica: Oh, jealous would involve piano wire.

Logan: Oh. So what was that?

Veronica: That was mild annoyance at the fact that two gym buddies invite you to a party and you're there already, but whenever I want to do something interesting, you're busy.

Logan: You mean "interesting" like some fossil wheezing through a novel?

Veronica: First, Martin Amis isn't a fossil, and second, yes, it's college. We're supposed to expand our horizons past video games and binge drinking.

Logan: My horizons go slightly beyond that.

Veronica: Great. So, how about tonight we check out the art-major group show?

Logan: I'm busy? [she sighs] No, really, I have a class till ten, but if you come by afterwards, we could write on ourselves. Get real, uh... political.

Veronica: That's what a girl wants to hear: "Darling, do all the weird crap you like, just don't be late for the booty call."

Weevil: [to boss] Guess I'll wash some spoiled bitch's graduation gift from daddy, huh?

Veronica: I'm not spoiled, and uh, technically, it wasn't for graduation.

Weevil: What about the bitch part?

Veronica: That depends on who you ask. How are you, Weevil? I haven't seen you...

Weevil: Since that awkward arrested-for-murder incident? Yeah! I remember.

Veronica: You plea bargained down to assault?

Weevil: And now I'm working at the car wash. Which, as it turns out, is not as fun as the song might sound.

Dick: Veronica Mars - modern college girl on the go.

Veronica: Dick Casablancas - Neolithic college boy on the sauce.

Veronica: I bet you'd be pretty psyched if I found someone who could help.

Keith: My level of psyched would depend on the someone.

Veronica: Eli Navarro. Remember?

Keith: You mean Weevil? Oh, Veronica, please.

Veronica: Dad, I'm serious.

Keith: Oh, I don't know, all those times I arrested him, he never struck me as great secretary material. Didn't he get busted for murder?

Veronica: Assault.

Keith: See, so he's not even a very good murderer.

Logan: While I appreciate the interest, Big Brother, I hope -

Veronica: Wow, a 1984 reference. Did you read that in weightlifting?

Logan: You know, your dad was half right. You have a thing for bad boys, but you don't want to reform them. You just get off on judging them.

Veronica: Which reminds me: can I borrow your copy of 101 Brooding Comments?

Logan: I only have the Cliff Notes. Look, I've got to run, so to save you the trouble, I'm surfing in Mexico with Dick and Mercer this weekend. I'll fax you the coordinates so you don't incur any more cell-tracking charges, and I'll keep a journal of my bad thoughts in case you want to stick my face in a cage of rats when we get back. Sorry, 1984 is the only book I read.

Logan: Is this the help desk? 'Cause I need a little help.

Veronica: Let me guess: you have this pathologically suspicious girlfriend and you hope maybe there's a guidebook?

Logan: No, it's more like, uh... what's beyond pathological?

Charlie Don't Surf

Veronica: This is a bad idea.

Keith: No, it's not.

Veronica: You only think it's not because you came up with it.

Keith: Ergo, how could it be bad? Math, sweetie. Me + idea = good.

Logan: You were expecting Sidney Poitier?

Veronica: No jokes. No innuendos, no quips. Don't even think of alluding to having seen me naked or having touched any part of my body that does not have fingers.

Logan: Can I mention that my eyes adored you? I got it. No calling you Bobcat, no talk of milky thighs.

Veronica: Go home.

Logan: Veronica. Don't worry. I wont say anything bad.

Veronica: Dick, why are you here?

Dick: You saw that article about the Pi Sig house, right? That girl Claire gets raped after one of our parties, and suddenly, school's all in a bunch. There's like this hearing scheduled to try to get us kicked off campus, and that's where you come in.

Veronica: I get to do the kickin'?

Dick: You get to be the spy who loves me. The guys were really impressed with how you cleared the frat of the rape last year.

Veronica: Were they? That means so little.

Dick: They knew we had, like, this connection. So, they sent me here to hire you. We need you to do your Veronica thing and prove it's a pack of lies.

Veronica: Is it? A pack of lies?

Dick: We're a frat. Why rape the cow when you're swimming in free milk?

Veronica: [voiceover] When entering a frat house full of accused rapists, the pant suit is a solid wardrobe choice. It's fashion's way of saying, "Move along. Nothing to see here."

[Veronica encounters the Pi Sig frat approaching in a group.]

Veronica: Hello, Chip… Dick… faceless Star Trek crew members…

Veronica: In my world, the wicked don't get parting gifts.

President Evil

Weevil: Any big Halloween plans?

Veronica: Oh, you know, the usual: slapping on my sexy nurse duds and rolling tweeners for their chocolate.

Lamb: Well, well, what do we have here? An illegal gambling establishment. Underaged drinking. [sees Logan and Veronica hugging] Public displays of affection. [shivers] It's like Sodom and Gomorrah in here.

Veronica: Where's Lilly's necklace?

Weevil: Someone left a bracelet in my bed last week. Or wait, was it a hoop earring...

Veronica: I'm not playing with you.

Weevil: Don't you get it? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Veronica: Oh, you don't, huh? Let me spell it out: I tell you about a working on-campus casino. Six hours later, it's held up by a guy, your size, wearing a mask, who happens to be covered in a thin film of drywall dust and the stench of Drakkar cologne.

Weevil: My cologne stinks? So, all this play I've been getting is from pure sex appeal?

Veronica: You just told my classmates that your old life of crime was calling. You just asked me about Lilly's necklace.

Weevil: I can't believe you'd think I'd do that - to you - after all we've been through.

Veronica: After all we've been through, can you really blame me?

Lamb: [to Logan] Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!

Veronica: [voice over] Hello, square one, nice to see you again.

Hi, Infidelity

Of Vice and Men

Veronica: [voiceover] The man who would be my mentor. Mr. Popular. Just another on the list of men who disappoint.

Veronica: Maybe I don't want to know what you were up to.

Logan: When have you ever not wanted to know anything?

Veronica: Care to share what you two free-spirited lads were up to? I'll give you a hint: it was squalid.

Mercer: Logan has good reason to keep that to himself. But you shouldn't worry; he's a solid guy. I mean, I'd want him to be my boyfriend, if I swung that way.

Veronica: Give it time, you just got here.

Veronica: Look Dad, do what you gotta do, okay? I've seen too much working here to ever be surprised again.

Keith: I know you, Veronica. You're not that jaded.

Veronica: I didn't used to be. I had this one shining example that gave me some faith.

Veronica: [voiceover] So what would Stan Marsh say in a situation like this? I think we all learned a valuable lesson about faith. You give it to the people you love. But the people who really deserve it are the ones who come through, even when you don't love them enough.

Lord of the Pi's

Veronica: I'm off to steal the souls of the rich with my evil image capturing device.

Keith: Have fun.

Logan: Why can't you for once just leave things alone?

Veronica: Okay, now you're starting to piss me off.

Logan: [yelling] Frankly, Veronica, so what? You're not invincible, and you're not always right.

Keith: Hey! You might want to stop yelling at my daughter.

Logan: Yeah? You might want to start.

Dean O'Dell: Look, the sheriff is an idiot. I've met smarter sandwiches.

Dick: So, not only did Chip get Kojak'd, someone put a Roman numeral on one of those little plastic Easter eggs, and stuck it in his… where-the-sun-don't-shine place. And you know where that is.

Veronica: Worst. Easter Egg Hunt. Ever.

Veronica: Side question: what do you know about Patrice Petrelli?

Hallie: God! What's with all the questions? What's next — do you wanna know where I buried Jimmy Hoffman?

Veronica: Dustin's brother?

Veronica: That's all sweet and great, but it doesn't really work that way. It's not like this is all some new facet of my personality. You know who I am. You know what I do.

Logan: And?

Veronica: And this isn't gonna change. And if you can't accept that, this isn't gonna work.

Logan: And you know who I am. And you're constantly expecting me to change. [she looks at him dumbfounded] And even right now as you're thinking, "Crap, he's got a point," you still think you're ultimately right. I love you Veronica. I love you. [after no response] Do you love me?

Veronica: Yeah.

Logan: Then can we try to go a little easier on each other?

Veronica: Yeah. I think that's a good idea.

Logan: [hugs her] So are we okay?

Veronica: Yeah, we're okay.

Spit & Eggs

[Dick moons the women activists' float as they celebrate the fall of the Greek system.]

Veronica: Great job, Dick. I'm sure you won that debate.

Logan: Well, he's a master debater.

Veronica: Something wrong?

Logan: I can't do this anymore, Veronica. [Veronica looks at him in confusion] You know, I've been thinking... this isn't working. And I don't think I quite measure up to the person you want me to be and... I just can't take feeling like a disappointment anymore.

Veronica: Logan, I don't...

Logan: [interrupts her] Wait, let me get this out okay? The other thing... you told me you weren't built to let people help you.

Veronica: That's not exactly what I said...

Logan: It's close. And you know what? I'm not built to stand on the sidelines. [Veronica nods] And I think we have a choice. I think we can take a tough, but survivable amount of pain now...or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. So I vote for the pain now. [They both start to tear up] But I'm always here... if you need anything. [kisses her on the forehead] But you never need anything.

[Veronica is staring into space.]

Mac: Veronica?

Veronica: I'm fine.

Mac: I know. We know. But it's okay if you're not.

Veronica: I'm fine. Seriously. I just told the two of you because I thought you should know. I'm not looking for a pity party.

Wallace: That's good, 'cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.

Veronica: Howdy, boys. Anyone up for going to a Pi Sig blowout? [Wallace and Piz look unimpressed] Beer and ladies and music...and other stuff guys like, I'm sure? Fast cars, loose slots, electronic gadgetry? Televised sports? Pornography? Nothing? None of this grabs you?

Piz: We were already planning on going.

Wallace: I think everybody at Hearst is gonna be there.

Veronica: Awesome. Then you can help me out.

Wallace: Suddenly, it sounds like a lot less fun.

Mac: Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Hump the furniture, party back to the stone age, fifty keg bacchanalia?

Veronica: Sounds like fun, right?

Mac: Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my porn star tube top.

Veronica: Please, Mac.

Mac: ...Resistance is futile.

Mercer: Unicorns? Really? Well, we'll definitely be needing some mood music. You know, techno has a bad reputation, but I think it's undeserved. Groan if you disagree. Good. We're on the same page. It's unfortunate that when you wake up, all you'll know is that your hair is gone...because it's gonna be good. I'd wager your best ever. And it's a me thing, I'm sorry to say. I...have no patience. I mean, if I'd met you in a bar or at a party, I would have had you back here and on your back in an hour. But that's an hour of my life I would have never had back, an hour of listening to you talk about unicorns and your high-school boyfriend and how you hate the taste of beer. I'm just taking what you would have happily given. I mean, that's hardly a crime.

Show Me the Monkey

[Mac arrives with two people in white lab coats.]

Veronica: Mac! And the people coming to take me away.

[The trio mentions the missing monkey and lab rats.]

Veronica: Monkey?

Mac: As in "touch my".

[Talking about relationships]

Veronica: Like why bother with something that's not good, cause if it's not good -

Piz: It's bad. Exactly. But these guys were like, 'as long as she's got a pair of-' [makes a motion for breasts and Veronica gives him a look] You know, it was indelicate.

Veronica: What's indelicate about shoes?

Piz: [laughs] But I figure, you know I know what I like. Why waste my time?

Veronica: Like why bother with something that's not good, just because it's something?

Piz: Especially when you know the difference. Which not many people do. I mean, do you?

Veronica: I - I think I do.

Piz: You see I think it's like 90% of life, just knowing the difference.

Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves

Lamb: Always looking for a crime where there isn't one. Think you need a new hobby, Keith.

Keith: Oh, I don't know. I find solving an investigation very relaxing. You should give it a try some time.

Veronica: Brian and Fred, as demented as this sounds, thought you'd have more confidence with girls if you... lost your virginity.

Max: I'm gonna go kill my friends now, so, if you could just leave me a bill.

Max: Can you still find her?

Veronica: Um... yes. But she'll still be a prostitute.

Max: I'm not stupid, Veronica, okay? We had something, I know it. There are some things you can't fake.

Veronica: And there are some things women are universally known for faking, and this girl is a professional.

Max: When I dropped her off at the airport, she had tears in her eyes.

Veronica: Are you sure she wasn't thinking of the cab fare back?

[Veronica does an online search for Max's hooker based on his nerdy friends' description.]

Veronica: It's like a Zagat guide for hookers. How did people find sex before there was an Internet?

Veronica: From 18,000 down to two. Your attention to detail has served us well, young Jedis.

Veronica: I just want to get to a place with you where we can be really... intimate.

Logan: That's what the female praying mantis says before she bites the male's head off.

There's Got to Be a Morning After Pill

Logan: Jeans, bold choice. Hope the maitre'd is fashion forward.

Veronica: Did you and Madison have sex over winter break?

[Logan looks at Veronica and doesn't respond]

Veronica: I asked you point blank--

Logan: And I lied. Point blank. It wasn't information that you had a right to know. I knew you wouldn't be able to deal with the Madison thing.

Veronica: Which 'thing' are you talking about? The 'she roofied me thing' or the thing 'when I stumbled to my car in the morning wondering where my virginity was and she had written slut on my windshield'? Was that what you thought I couldn't deal with? I am so genuinely sick right now. If I could've eaten anything today I'd be throwing up all over your floor.

Logan: We were broken up at the time.

Veronica: You know how I feel about her! There is no way that at some point while it was happening you weren't thinking about how much I'd hate you being with her.

Logan: It wasn't like that.

Veronica: No? Do you want another variation cause I have a million sickening scenarios running on a loop right now.

Logan: I wasn't trying to hurt you.

Veronica: Oh no. Really? Imagine if you tried.

Logan: What do you want me to do? What can I do?

Veronica: Make it not true. Get it out of my head and never let me think about it again. Cause unless you can do that, this is something I'm never getting past.

Rev. Capistrano: Try to be forgiving. It’s the only way. Anger will tear you down. It'll make you less of a person that you want to be. And it will tear apart your soul. The Bible teaches us that he who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit can capture a city. He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

Mars, Bars

Keith: I need to see the sheriff.

Deputy Sachs: I don't know, Keith. He looks kind of busy.

Keith: Well, that's something I gotta see.

Veronica: Actually, that’s just why I’m in jail: To avoid Valentines Day.

Logan: Hey. Uh, Veronica asked me to bring you this.

Mac: Performing a favor from a jail cell? The girl has serious friendship skills.

Cliff: Who wants out of jail?

Veronica: I do! I do!

Sheriff Lamb: I know you from somewhere.

Wallace: Yeah, you told me to go see the Wizard and ask him for some guts.

Sheriff Lamb: Well, did you?

Wallace: Yeah. [smirks] He said to let you know that you're the only sheriff in America that he considers a true Friend of Dorothy.

Keith: Honey...why is there a pistol in the freezer?

Veronica: Because there's this guy, see, and I want to put him on ice. Because revenge is a dish best served cold. Because I want to commit murder in the 28th degree?

Keith: Stop.

[Deputy Sachs checks Sheriff Lamb, who lies bleeding from a beating by a fugitive.]

Sheriff Lamb: I... smell... bread.

Papa's Cabin

[Veronica catches Tim breaking into Mars Investigations.]

Veronica: What the hell are you doing?

Tim: I...uh...I'm...

Veronica: Formulating a lie, realizing it's futile, begrudgingly telling the truth?

Tim: I'm trying to help Landry, okay? He gave your father the bug that someone planted in his phone. I'm hoping it will lead to Mindy.

Veronica: How is it going to lead to Mindy?

Tim: I don't know. Serial numbers?

Veronica: They don't have serial numbers.

Tim: Well, I didn't know. There's got to be a way. How would you do it?

Veronica: [annoyed] Hmmm...well, first, I'd break into someone's office, act really weasly, and then ask their advice.

[In the cafeteria, Veronica looks bemused as Wallace reports on Logan and Parker's lunchtime tête-à-tête.]

Wallace: What?

Veronica: I'm just trying to figure out which Gilmore girl you are.

Veronica: If you're wondering where I am, I'm hanging out outside a convenience store, eating corn nuts and watching strippers.

Keith: Are you doing drugs?

Veronica: No.

Keith: Good.

[Veronica finds Tim checking a computer with gloved hands.]

Veronica: Nice gloves. You heading to the parlor to strangle Colonel Mustard after this?

Tim:: We're breaking and entering. I can't leave prints.

Veronica: Use your sleeve! It's less creepy.

Logan: Mars!

Veronica: We're on a last name basis now? We've skipped right over androgynous nicknames.

Logan: I tried calling you "Chuckles", but it didn't stick.

Veronica: Man, you get everyone to confess.

Keith: I think it's the uniform. Do you have anything to confess?

Veronica: Yes. You embarrass me.

Un-American Graffiti

Veronica: 8 a.m. - shouldn’t you be in a wet suit somewhere?

Logan: Early Poli. Sci.

Veronica: And you’re actually going?

Logan: Yeah, I even bought this amazing pen that accents text in neon colors.

Veronica: Ah, a highlighter.

Logan: Lots of advancements since the last time I buckled down.

Logan: What about you?

Veronica: "Violence in early adolescence."

Logan: Need me to autograph your textbook?

Veronica: Thanks, but...

Logan: Hey, by the way, I am throwing I birthday party for Parker this weekend. I’ve been studying up too. I watched My Super Sweet Sixteen. That reminds me, do you know where I can get about a dozen eunuchs?

Veronica: Not offhand, but I could make some calls.

Keith: Hello, Stosh. What do you say we head out, have a few beers?

Piz: That's one of those trick questions, isn't it?

Keith: I got some new IDs for you. Wallace. [hands Wallace and Piz their new IDs]

Piz: This picture is Jon Bon Jovi.

Keith: Yes. It is.

Wallace: Biggie Smalls? We don't really all look alike, Mr. Mars.

Keith: I know that, Wallace. Now, let's go out and get our drink on.

Veronica: Nothing says "I'm over you" like dating down.

[Max and Mac are laughing and hitting it off]

Max: Okay, seriously, did my friends hire you?

Debasement Tapes

Veronica: So...Piz didn't say anything about the whole party...thing?

Wallace: Like how you two made out in the hall and then you took off? Why? Is he calling you all the time?

Veronica: He called once. The day after. But...how would you interpret his mood?

Wallace: You want me to have this talk? Am I a twelve year old girl?

Veronica: No...but you're drinking Fresca and watching Joan Crawford movies.

Mac: Is the eggplant good?

Spaghetti Server: It's okay.

Mac: How about that stuff?

Spaghetti Server: It's good.

Mac: It's probably horrible for you, right? I'll stay with the eggplant. No, wait - what do you think? [pause] I need to see a psychiatrist.

Veronica: I was thinking more an English professor. What we're dealing with her is an absurd level of symbolism. [to server] Two lasagnas.

Spaghetti Server: Okay.

Mac: Symbolism?

Veronica: I mean, the Bronson Parmigiana is good for me, but, ooh! The Maxuccine looks awfully tempting.

Mac: It's not my fault Max won't stop calling. Like you should talk.

Veronica: Me? I'm not ordering good boy while wishing I ordered bad boy.

Mac: No, you gave up bad boy, but keep asking for samples of good boy.

Veronica: No, I - wait, what?

Mac: Okay, if Logan is the fettucine... [cellphone rings]

Veronica: It's the eggplant.

Desmond Fellows: [to Veronica] Anyone ever tell you, you look like a feisty young Barbara Eden?

Mac: And his role in this enterprise?

Dick: Consultant. I'm an ass expert.

Logan: Yes, except for the expert part.

Dick: I'm an ass? Who would you ask for advice about lions, a lion or a gerbil? Gerbil, you say? No, you would ask a lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions. So... Okay. I don't see how you hope to launch a website about hot asses without me, but fine. It's Friday night. If I walk long enough in a straight line, I'll hit a party.

Wallace: So, are you surviving?

Veronica: Surviving what?

Wallace: Helping Piz. You know, his puppy dog eyes on you all the time.

Veronica: It's weird. Like you said, normal Piz. Like nothing ever happened.

Wallace: [amused] Which bothers you, because making out with you is supposed to be some life-changing experience.

Veronica: I don't know. I just... Why are we talking about this?

Wallace: I thought you liked these kind of conversations.

Veronica: No.

Wallace: I was hoping we could follow it up with a cuteness countdown of the Baldwin brothers.

Veronica: I hope we're still friends after I Taser you.

Max: [showing Mac how his term-paper website works.] For the dumb, billable links at the top, disguised as functions.

Mac: So they link without realizing.

Max: And I make a dollar. See, the point of the Internet is to make money off of stupid people.

Logan: I like how you think, Max.

Mac: That sound you hear is my idealism quietly shattering.

Max: That other sound you hear is my cynicism laughing at your idealism shattering.

Mac: Well, it won't be laughing when I crash your greedy little evil website.

Max: I'll be laughing when you try.

Mac: Will you? Maybe I'm in your trusted-host table already.

Logan: Should I get a camera? There's gotta be someone out there that'd pay to see this hot nerd-on-nerd action.

I Know What You'll Do Next Summer

Veronica: You realize you're the radio-host version of a rock star, right? I don't know what the groupie procedure is for this scenario, but I might have to throw my panties at you.

Piz: Or I could autograph you. I believe we have some Sharpies lying around.

Wallace: The world is upside down. Veronica Mars wants to believe in miracles, and I'm the cynical one.

Veronica: Tell your roommate I came by hoping to kill time between classes getting to second base with someone, and then left unsatisfied.

Wallace: He's a good guy, Veronica. Try not to rip out his heart.

Mac: [sighs] I have to, have to, have to go to my morning classes tomorrow. I'm getting lost in the "sex-nap-eat-repeat" loop. I'm in the porn version of Groundhog Day.

Max: "Poundhog Day"?

[In an evening walk, Mac confides to Veronica her dismay about her relationship with Max.]

Mac: Love makes me lazy. It's a dangerous drug. Kills more brain cells than crystal meth. How's your cell count these days?

Veronica: Mmmm, I can still do long division, but I can't quite remember all the continents.

Mac: So, Pizneyland is the happiest place on Earth?

Veronica: Happy enough. There's no rollercoaster, but I think I can do without the adrenaline and nausea.

Kizza: I'm looking for detective Mars.

Veronica: I'm detective Mars.

Kizza: But you're just a girl. You're a teenager.

Veronica: A girl, a teenager, and a private detective - I'm a triple threat. Barely fits on my business card.

Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down

Veronica: I just hope Piz isn't planning on moping his way through the remainder of freshman year. It's not like I'm taking an internship at a Mister Softee in Wachoota. It's the FBI. The F. B. I.

Mac: At the very least, Piz should think it's hot.

Veronica: Actually, he does think it's pretty hot. He'd just think it was hotter if I were doing it in Neptune.

Mac: He wants to date you and be near you? Greedy little bugger.

Veronica: And if he didn't care, I'd probably be complaining about that...to my girlfriend...while waiting to pay for frozen yogurt. I'm a girl!

[A girl is being arrested a few feet in front of Veronica and Mac in line for lunch.]

Veronica: She has the right to remained famished.

Veronica: What?

Mac: Miss Mars uses Venus razor.

Veronica: Because if she doesn't, her legs look like Pluto's.

Mac: And she's down-to-earth to boot.

Veronica: I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.

Mac: I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts.

Veronica: Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hm.

Mac: Hey, did anyone else hear there's gonna be a Matchbox 20 reunion show?

Piz: So? Rob Thomas is a whore.

Mac: Yeah.

Veronica: Hey, you never told me what happened with your whole man crush thing.

Mac: Wallace has a man crush?

Piz: The man crush isn't me, is it?

Veronica: Some guy following him around campus. Is it Piz?

Piz: So, what's the protocol for a plane christening? I mean, does someone get to, like, smash the, uh, Sea Monkey with a miniature bottle of champagne?

Wallace: The protocol? Pray to whatever god you believe in she flies. Otherwise, my ass is grass.

Veronica: Orville Wright's exact words, if I recall.

Piz: I'm so nervous. This is totally knotting up my inner nerd.

Mac: Wait, you have an inner one?

Veronica: I guess you're all asking yourself why I called this meeting. [pause] What? That's comedy gold

Patrick: She knows about my dad's company.

Veronica: And I know that Leon's cryptography research wasn't really stolen. Let's see one guy to steal the machine one guy to program it and everyone to point the finger at the ex-con maintenance guy and the injustice league strikes again

Patrick: Who are you calling?

Veronica: The surgeon general.

Jenny: She's calling her dad, the sheriff.

Veronica: Good call Jenny, see you're not just here for your looks.

Patrick: Hang up please we can work this out you can be one of us.

Veronica: Is this where you turn me into a vampire?

Patrick: We can make it worth your while.

Veronica: All right I'm listening.

Patrick: So what is that maintenance guy paying you anyway?

Veronica: Cash.

Patrick: Don't turn us in can give you your very own Hearst ID.

Veronica: Oh I have one, thanks.

Patrick: This one is the everlasting gobstopper of spending money ,you'll never have to pay for another textbook, another ticket to a campus performance, another meal.

Veronica: Assuming that I want to eat meals in the food court for the rest of my life, besides you're lying, you don't have the machine you left it in the locker next to Mr. Navarro's

Jenny: There's a third one.

Leon: I've already programmed it.

Patrick: The only reason we got busted is cause we used stupid aliases we get new cards, generic names and we don't get caught again.

Jenny: You're a scholarship kid right.

Patrick: Yeah its gotta be really tough paying for all those meals and textbooks.

Veronica: It is which is why a bunch of kids who can afford to ski in Aspen getting their kicks by ripping off my school and blaming it on the nearest kid from the wrong side of the tracks pisses me off so much.

Patrick: You think that ski picture is proof that, doesn't prove anything.

Veronica: But this conversation does.

Veronica: I wont bore you with the rest but I'll bet it means jail time, or if you'd prefer you can go throw yourselves at the mercy of the campus police I'm sure they'll be more merciful than my dad, especially after he finds that third machine in one of your dorm rooms.

Jenny: Like we keep it in a dorm room.

Veronica: If I don't hear by tomorrow that the charges against my client have been dropped by tomorrow afternoon I'm taking everything I've got to the finest sheriff's department in Balboa county. And try to keep it down in here, okay, it's a library.

The Bitch Is Back

Veronica: Dick? Get out here.

Dick: What's up, V?

Veronica: If you had to bet?

Dick: Look, from a guy's perspective, the video just made your stock go up. You looked great. Enthusiasm — always a plus—

Veronica: It's like you're this giant jackass piñata begging for someone to beat the candy out of you. Where'd you get the video?

Dick: Someone e-mailed it to me.

Veronica: Who? Get your computer.

Dick: I probably deleted—

Veronica: After all these years, do you not instinctively fear me? Maybe you should write yourself a note.

Piz: I-it's a nice day. Let's go eat outside. Veronica? Come on.

Lout: Looks even more familiar from behind.

Piz: I promise you, karma's going to take care of that guy for you.

Veronica: I know. I'm gonna run him over with my "karma."

Veronica: Chip a moment of your time.

Chip: I'm kinda in the middle of something.

Veronica: It's a cluster of morons, don't worry they'll let you back in.

Chip: You know what I like about you, you got spirit.

Veronica: I want to talk to you.

Chip: That's what you're doing.

Veronica: Could you put your head up your ass before they stuck the egg in there or is this new?

Chip: What do you want.

Veronica: Who sent you the video.

Chip: Don't know, don't care.

Veronica: You dont care now, but holy crap are you gonna care when I start to get my revenge on, you'll be doin' all sorts of caring.

Veronica: Domonick?

Domonick: Yeah.

Veronica: Where'd you get the video of me

Domonick: I don't know what you're talking about.

Veronica: Your pubescent snickering tells me differently.

Domonick: Someone sent it to me.

Veronica: You should tell me who, or I can assume it originated from you.

Domonick: You can assume whatever position you like

Veronica: I'm thinking chokehold you gasping for your last breath.

Domonick: Shh sweetheart, sweetheart you are so much hotter with the sound off.

Veronica: You'll really be better off giving me that name.

Domonick: Yeah well I guess I need to quiver in fear now so see ya.

Veronica: Okay then.

Mac: Let me explain something, Veronica. I own the most powerful personal computer on campus. There is no personal computer faster or better than mine at Hearst. And using this incredible computer of mine, it will take twenty years to crack Jake Kane's password on this hard drive.

Veronica: So how do we do it?

Mac: You're like Kirk in Wrath of Khan. You refuse to believe in the no-win scenario.

Veronica: You're like one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds with your Star Trek references.

Cast

• Kristen Bell - Veronica Mars
• Teddy Dunn - Duncan Kane
• Jason Dohring - Logan Echolls
• Francis Capra - Eli "Weevil" Navarro
• Percy Daggs III - Wallace Fennel
• Enrico Colantoni - Keith Mars
• Amanda Seyfried - Lilly Kane
• Kyle Secor - Jake Kane
• Lisa Thornhill - Celeste Kane
• Harry Hamlin - Aaron Echolls
• Lisa Rinna - Lynn Echolls
• Charisma Carpenter - Kendall Casablancas
• Alyson Hannigan - Trina Echolls
• Christian Clemenson - Abel Koontz
• Corinne Bohrer - Lianne Mars
• Sydney Tamiia Poitier - Mallory Dent
• Ryan Hansen - Dick Casablancas
• Kyle Gallner - Cassidy "Beaver" Casablancas
• Tessa Thompson - Jackie Cook
• Tina Majorino - Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie
• Alona Tal - Meg Manning
• Julie Gonzalo - Parker Lee
• Chris Lowell - Stosh "Piz" Piznarski
• Michael Muhney - Sheriff Don Lamb