Victoria Wood

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• Terribly sorry, I seem to have written a Mr Men Book on your computer.

• I'm not getting anything from Jersey, it's against my rights, because that's where they filmed Bergerac.

• [with a heavy Northern English (UK) accent] Elloh. I'm lookin' fer me friennnd. Kimmmberleh? 'Ave you seen 'er?

• People think I'm Dawn French sometimes. They come up to me and just ask "what's it like being married to Lenny Henry?" I say "How should I know, I've only seen him on a muesli commercial.""

• Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they finished, they both lit up a cigarette and this woman stood up and said, "Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment."

• Now my children won't even eat chips because some little know all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable

• She's doing her pelvic floor exercises. Or she's just banged her hemorrhoids on a litter bin

• Pass the parcel when I was a kid, there was none of this everybody gets something. I mean you were lucky if there was anything in the middle. You would get to the last layer and say "Theres nothing in it Mrs Pickering", "No thats life that is think on!"

• (About The 'Victoria Wood: At It Again' Stage Set) We had to send this sign back three times, first time the lettering was wrong, second time the spacing was wrong and it said 'Victoria Wood: A Tit Again'

• My husband's had a Vasectomy, didn't tell me bloody liar said he was going to the garden centre