Waiting for Guffman

Corky St Clair

• It's a Zen thing, like "how many babies fit in a tire," you know, the old joke.
• Well, then, I just hate you, and I hate your ass face!
• My first show was Barefoot in the Park, which was an absolute smash, but my production on the stage of Backdraft was what really got them excited. This whole idea of 'In Your Face' theatre really affected them. The conceptualization, the whole abstraction, the obtuseness of this production to me was what was interesting. I wanted the audience to feel the heat from the fire—the fear—because people don't like fire, poked, poked in their noses. You know, when you get a cinder from a barbeque right on the end of your nose, and you kind of make that face, you know? That's not a good thing. And I wanted them to have the sense memory of that. So during the show I had someone burn newspapers and send it through the vents in the theatre. And well, they freaked out, and 'course the fire marshall came over, and they shut us down for a couple of days.
• So what I'm understanding here is that you're not gonna give me any money. So I'm basically left with nothing. I'm left with zero here 'n which, what can I do with zero? I can't do anything with it! I mean this is my life we're talking about here; we're not just talkin' about—something else, we're talking about my life. And you're forcing me to do something I don't want to do—to leave. To just pick up and say—make a clean cut here and say, "No way, Corky, you're not gonna put up with these people." And I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people. Because you're bastard people. That's what you are; you're just bastard people. And I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna, I'm gonna bite my pillow is what I'm gonna do!
• I think that the elements, as Dr. Watson said to Sherlock, "are coming together, sir." I was shopping for my wife, Bonnie (I buy most of her clothes). And Mrs. Pearl was in the same shop, and it just was an accident. Y'know, we started talking... about pantyhose. She was saying—w-whatever, that's not the point of the story, but what the point is was that through this accidental meeting—it's like, y'know, it's like a Hitchcock movie, where, you know, you're thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car. You find people; you find them. Something... It—is it karma? Maybe. But we found him; that's the important thing—and I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit.
• What the city council did was really... give me a challenge, and it's a challenge that I am going to accept. It's like in the olden days, in the days of France, when men would slap each other with their gloves say, y'know..."D'Artagnan!"... y'know, "how dare you talk to me like that, you!," and smack 'em.
• Everybody dance!
• Why are you whispering? I'm right here!

Libby Mae Brown

• I been workin' here at the DQ for about, um, eight months...seven? I dunno, something like that. It's fun. Y'just do the cones, make sundaes, make Blizzards, 'n' put stuff on 'em, 'n'... See a lot of people come in; a lot of people come to the DQ—burgers, ice cream. Anything, y'know? Cokes. Just drive in and get a Coke, 'f yer thirsty.

• This is the day of the show, y'all.

• My aunt brought out her atlas that I look at a lot—this big, blue book, 'n' opened up to New York, 'n' it's an island, is really what it is. It's this island full of people of different colors 'n' different ideas, 'n' I can't—it sounds like a lot of fun to me. Y'know we don't see much of that in Blaine. I'd like t' maybe meet some guys—some Italian guys, 'r y'know—watch TV, 'n' stuff.