Wayne's World Quotations

Wayne's World is a 1992 comedy about two slacker buddies and their local-access cable TV show.

Directed by Penelope Spheeris. Written by Mike Myers, Bonnie Turner, and Terry Turner.

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll hurl.

Wayne Campbell

Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago — excellent. I've had plenty of joe-jobs, nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. OK, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad. But at least I have an amazing cable access show and I still know how to party! But what I'd really love is to do "Wayne's World" for a living. It might happen, tsshyeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
- advising Garth about his fear of vomiting if he talks to his dream girl

I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick Sargeant.Shyeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh, hold on! Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.

(ordering chinese take-out) I'll have the "cream of sum yung gai".

(admiring a 64' Pre-CBS Fender Stratocaster in a music store) It will be mine. Oh, yes — It will be mine.

(on seeing Cassandra for the first time) She will be mine. Oh, yes — she will be mine.

I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.

Ex-squeeze me? A-Baking powder?
- Refrence to "Excuse me? I beg your pardon?"

Ah yes, it's a lot like 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'. In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.

I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...

(speaking to the camera) What the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being shit on, that's all, shit on, and you know what really pisses me off — [camera pans away] Wait, no, come on back.. OK, things aren't as bad as they seem... I'll figure somethin' out, OK?

Zang! ("Excellent" in Cantonese)

Pardon me — do you have any Grey Poupon?

(after being told not to play "Stairway to Heaven" at the guitar store.) No stairway? Denied!

(To scary ex-girlfriend before opening her "anniversary" gift) If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.

(To scary ex-girlfriend after she gives him a gun rack as an "anniversary" gift) A gun rack... a gun rack. Shyeah, Right! I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?

Hey Garth — that was a haiku.

Wow, what a totally excellent discovery— NOT!

Garth Algar

It's sucking my will to live!

Come in, your landing gear is down! (holding headset upside down)

Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

In the edited for TV verison Garth states "Jamoca almond idiot" as the ice cream flavor.

Did you ever see that 'Twilight Zone' where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?

Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww.

That bass player's a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.

If she were a president, she'd be Baberaham Lincoln

(as policeman approaches) Yes; I definitely smell a pork product of some type.

Okay... First I'll access the secret military spy satelite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then I'll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR-4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal down into the Azores, up to COMSAT-6, beam it back to SATCOM-3 transponder number 137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo. It's almost too easy.

Let me tell you something about women, Wayne. They want you to come get them, they LOVE it.

I'm having a good time... not.

(reading from Benjamin's planner) 'Thursday — purchase feeble cable access show, and exploit it.' Gee, I feel sorry for whoever THAT is.

[to camera] I don't really have anything to say- HEY What's that? [Camera looks, turns back to Garth, who is walking away quickly]

We fear change.

Excuse me, I'd like to get by now.

Wayne, it's never going to happen, live in the now!

Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew...spew into this. (Unfolding and holding out a tiny Dixie paper cup to a sick-looking friend.)

Wayne & Garth catch-phrases

It's Wayne's World, Wayne's World, party time, excellent!

Extreme Close-up!

Not!

We're not worthy!!! (When talking to Alice Cooper and Aerosmith)

Schwing! (sometimes "Scha-wing!")

She's a babe!

As if!

No way. Way!

Mikita's manager, Glen

(speaking to the camera) I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it's called murder?

You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.

Dialogue

Garth Algar: Party on, Wayne.

Wayne Campbell: Party on, Garth.

Wayne Campbell: Car!

Garth Algar: Car!

car drives past

Wayne Campbell: Game On!

Garth Algar: Game On!

Wayne Campbell: Uh-oh, Stacy.

Stacy: Hi Wayne! Hi... rides bicycle into car

Garth Algar: Hey, Mister Donut-head Man, who's trying to kill you?

Garth [as Mr. Donut-head Man]: I don't know, but he better not!

Mr. Donut-head Man: (getting stabbed) Oh I'm not happy at all!

Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "ass-sphincter-says-what" (spoken speedily).

Noah Vanderhoff [arcade owner]: What?

Wayne: A sphincter says what?

Vanderhoff: What?

Wayne: Exactly.

Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say it's okay, I don't mind? I don't mind. Well, I mind! I mind big-time! And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ. (Splashing water on his face to simulate tears)

Cassandra: Is that true?

Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.

Tiny: Wayne. How you doin'?

Wayne: Hey, Tiny, who's playing today?

Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles.

Wayne: Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?

Tiny: They suck.

Wayne: Then it's not just a clever name.

Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.

Wayne: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.

Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out.

Wayne: Well, it does, actually. That's what breaking up is.

...

Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present?

Wayne: If it's a severed head I'm going to be very upset.

Stacy: Open it.

Wayne: What is it?

Stacy: It's a gun rack.

Wayne: A gun rack... a gun rack. Shyeah, Right! I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?

Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.

Wayne: I lost you two months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!

Alan: Do I frighten you?

Mrs. Vanderhoff: No.

Alan: Do you want me to?

Wayne Campbell: So, do you... come to Milwaukee often?

Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.

Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?

Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.

[Wayne and Garth discuss Claudia Schiffer.]

Wayne Campbell: She's a babe.

Garth Algar: She's magically babe-a-licious.

Wayne: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.

...

Garth: Hey, are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding this. (referring to Claudia's picture)

Wayne: Yeah, that's what she said.

Benjamin Caine: First, let me get this out of the way: I'm a big fan.

Garth Algar: You are?

Benjamin: The way I see it, your show is capable of so much more.

Garth: Well, we'll try harder, okay? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.

Benjamin Kane: Do you have a lawyer?

Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm... no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.

Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office — that's what I did — and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for YOU or for anybody!

Terry: Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you, man.

Wayne Campbell: Yeah, and I love you too, Terry.

Terry: No-no-no, I mean it, man. I LOVE you.

Wayne: No, I-I mean it. I love you.

Terry: No you don't, man. I love you.

Wayne: (being hugged by Terry) Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.

Terry: I love you, man.

Garth Algar (casually): Thank you. (continues dancing)

Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cues.

Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...

[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the "mirth-mobile", staring at the stars.]

Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?

Wayne: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted, with only her cunning to protect her.

Garth: She's a babe.

Wayne: She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia majora".

Garth: If she were a president she would be Babe-raham Lincoln.

Wayne: If she lived in the Cretaceous, she'd be Babeasauros Rex.

...

Garth: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?

Wayne: (cracks up laughing) No... No.

Garth: Neither did I. I was just asking.

Mikita's Manager, Glen: Anything wrong, Davy?

Davy: Yeah, I got paid today.

Glen: Yeah, I know what that's like.

Davy: No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these. (holds up pink slip)

Glen: Yeah, I know how that feels.

Davy: Know what I'd like to do?

Glen: Yeah, I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.

Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.

Glen: Well, the world's a twisted place.

[Wayne is stopped by a traffic cop.]

Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer, is there a problem?

T-1000: Have you seen this boy?

Wayne Campbell: AHHHHHHHH! [floors it]

Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...

Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans, of course, don't recognize the convention so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white champagne, even though by definition they're not.

Wayne Campbell: Hey, where'd you learn to speak English?

Cassandra: College... and the "Police Academy" movies.

Benjamin Kane: We'll be in touch.

Benjamin Kane: He's in.

Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne?

Wayne Campbell: Yeah?

Garth: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's not one of us?

Wayne: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.

Wayne Campbell: Interesting.

Benjamin Kane: So, Garth, what do you think of the new set?

Garth Algar: It's kinda like a new pair of underwear. At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.

Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.

Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp.

[Inventor Ron Paxton demonstrates the "Suck Kut", a vacuum/haircutting device.]

Ron Paxton: As you can see, it sucks as it cuts.

Wayne Campbell: It certainly does suck.

Garth Algar: (getting a suck-cut) AAHHH! TURN IT OFF MAN, TURN IT OFF! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE! OH, THE HUMANITY!

Stacy: Hi, Garth.

Garth Algar: Hi.

Stacy: I'm looking for Wayne, I'm very concerned about him. He seems to be going through a difficult phase right now, you know. What do you think it is?

Garth: That you're mental.

Stacy: You know him best, what do you think I should do?

Garth: Just get over it and go out with somebody else.

Stacy: Get over it and go out with somebody else. Yeah, thanks, okay, great. [to random guy] Hi.

Wayne Campbell: Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. Again.

Garth Algar: What if he honks in the car?

Wayne: I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.

...

Garth: Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this. [Garth holds out an extremely small paper cup.]

Wayne Campbell: Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star?

Cassandra: Yeah.

Wayne: Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?

Cassandra: Yeah.

Wayne: Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?

Cassandra: .........Yeah.

Wayne: Okay, party. Bonus.

[Wayne wants help in a music store.]

Wayne: I know — I'll use the "May I help you?" riff (plays obnoxious guitar solo)

Clerk: May I help you?

...

[Garth plays an astonishing drum solo in the music store.]

Guy: You are, like... amazing... dude.

Garth: Thanks. I...like to play. (taps cymbal lightly)

Benjamin Kane: Hey, who wants Chinese Takeout? I know a great place!

Wayne Campbell: I'll have the "cream of sum yung gai".

Garth Algar: I mean, we're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird?

Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!

(Starting at 'I mean' and finishing at the second 'Wayne's basement', this is a haiku. I.e.:

I mean, we're looking/
Down on Wayne's basement. Only/
That's not Wayne's basement.)

Terry: I love you, man.

Russell: And I love you. Because I've learned that platonic love can exist between two grown men.

Benjamin Kane: And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America, almost to the top, but it can't get you everything.

Cast

Mike Myers - Wayne Campbell
Dana Carvey - Garth Algar
Rob Lowe - Benjamin Kane
Tia Carrere - Cassandra Wong
Lara Flynn Boyle - Stacy
Ed O'Neill - Mikita's manager, Glen
Alice Cooper - himself

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