Who Framed Roger Rabbit Quotations

Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a 1988 film that combines animation and live action. The film takes place in Los Angeles in 1947, where animated characters (always referred to as "Toons") are real beings who live and work alongside humans in the real world, most of them as actors in animated cartoons.

Directed by Robert Zemeckis. Written by Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman, based on the novel Who Censored Roger Rabbit? by Gary Wolf.

It's the story of a man, a woman, and a rabbit in a triangle of trouble.

Roger Rabbit

Eddie, I could never hurt anybody--Ow! My whole purpose in life is to... make... people... laugh!

Is there nothing that can permeate that impervious puss?

Boy, did you see that? Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy. What timing! What finesse! What a genius!

(As Eddie "entertains" the weasels) Hey, Eddie! Keep it up! You're "killing 'em"! You're "slaying 'em"! You're "knocking 'em dead"!

Nice shirt. Who's your tailor? Quasimodo?

P-p-please, Eddie. You know there's no justice for toons anymore. If the weasels get their hands on me, I'm as good as dipped!

I can give you stars, look! (hits himself with a frying pan) Look! (hits himself again) Look! (keeps hitting himself)

Jeepers! Another stupid newsreel. I hate the news!

Eddie Valiant

Here's to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning.

[moves the street line towards a wall, Hyena crashes into the wall] Toons. Gets 'em every time.

Scotch on the rocks. And I mean ice!

[Eddie enters the bar with Roger stuck in his pocket, but when he tries to get Dolores' attention, the sound of the Red Car drowns him out] Dolores? Dolores?! DOLORES!!!

[After watching the newsreel involving Maroon] That's it! That's the connection!

[A weasel tries to frisk Jessica too close to her cleavage, and gets his hand caught in a bear-trap hidden therein] Nice booby-trap.

Jessica Rabbit

Listen [Roger], I want you to know I love you. I love you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit.

[After a forensics man scrapes off "paint from the rabbit's glove" from the rope] Mr. Valiant? [slaps Eddie] I hope you're proud of yourself, and those pictures you took.

I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.

I'd do anything to help my husband. Anything.

Goodbye, Eddie. My offer stands firm. Think about it. [Blows a toon "kiss" to Eddie]

[To Eddie, after he accuses Roger of running off] No he didn't. I hit him on the head with a frying pan and put him in the trunk so he wouldn't get hurt.

[To Roger, Eddie Valiant having saved her life] My hero!

C'mon, Roger. Let's go home. I'll bake ya a carrot cake. [Roger chuckles].

Judge Doom

Is this man removing evidence from a scene of a crime?

[As he is getting flattened by the steamroller] No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Put that gun down, you buck-toothed fool!

I'll catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant, and I'll try him, convict him, and execute him.

No toon can resist the old "shave and a haircut" trick.

[to the weasels] Stop that laughing! Have you forgotten what happened last time?! If you don't stop this laughing, you're gonna end up dead, just like your idiot hyena cousins!

[Smart Ass: Hey judge, what should we do with [Valiant] the wallflower?] We'll see to him later, but right now I feel like dispensing some justice. Bring me some dip.

[while putting on a large black rubber glove] Since I've had Toontown under my jurisdiction, my goal has been to rein in the insanity, and the only way to do that is to make Toons respect-- [lets the glove snap back onto his arm] --the law.

Remember me, Eddie?! (voice becoming higher-pitched) When I killed your brother, I talked (voice reaches to shrieking point) just...like...this!!

[as he is dissolving in his own dip]: I'm melting, melting!!

Dolores

I would have been here right after you called, but I had to shake the weasels.

Is he always this funny, or only on days when he's wanted for murder?

[Eddie is hiding Roger in his coat] Is that a rabbit in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

[catching Eddie with Jessica] Dabbling in watercolors, Eddie?

Others

Mrs. Herman: Mommy's going to the beauty parlor, darling, but I'm leaving you with your favorite friend, Roger. He's going to take very, very good care of you. Because if he doesn't, he's going back to the science lab!

Tram Conductor: What do I look like? A bank?!

Marvin Acme: "If it's Acme, it's a gasser". Put it there, pal. [shakes hands with Eddie, who feels a shock] The hand buzzer. Still our biggest seller!

Benny the Cab: Sister Mary Francis! What the hell happened in here?! I've been a cab for 37 years, and I've never seen a mess like this!

Benny the Cab: And how about those Brooklyn Dodgers? Are they bums or what?!

Porky Pig: [Last lines] All right. M-m-move it along. There's nothing else to see. That's all, folks! [scratches head] Hmm... [turns to camera] I like the sound of that! [traditional Warner Bros cartoon closing follows:] Th-Th-Th-that's all, folks! (laughs; Tinkerbell waves her wand, and the movie ends)

Dialogue

Raoul: Cut!

Cameraman: All right. That's it, Jack!

Raoul: Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! (slams the script down to the floor) CUT!!

Baby Herman: What the hell was wrong with that take?!

Raoul: Nothing with you, Baby Herman. You were great. You were perfect. You were better than perfect! It's just Roger. He keeps blowin' his lines! Roger, what is this?

Roger: (nervously) A tweeting bird?

Raoul: (mocks) "A tweeting bird?" (normally) Roger, read the script! Look what it says. It says, "Rabbit gets clunked. Rabbit sees stars". Not birds, stars! (to the cameraman) Can we lose the playback, please?! You're killin' me! KILLIN' me!

Baby Herman: For cryin' out loud, Roger! How the hell many times we have to do this damn scene?! Raoul! I'll be in my trailer, takin' a nap! [Walks between a woman's legs]

Woman: Whoa!

Baby Herman: 'Xcuse me, toots.

Raoul: My stomach can't take this. This set is a mess. Clean this set up! Get him outta there, or seal him up in it! Lose the lights! Say Lunch!

Man: LUNCH!!!

Raoul: That's lunch! We're on a half! (bell rings; Raoul sets off for lunch)

Roger: P-p-please, Raoul! I can give ya stars! Just drop the refrigerator on my head one more time!

Raoul: Roger, I've dropped it on your head 23 times already!

Roger: I can take it! Don't worry about me!

Raoul: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about the refrigerator!

(Eddie watches as Acme excitedly sprays cologne on himself when Jessica's performance is about to begin)

Eddie: What's with him?

Betty: Mr. Acme never misses a night when Jessica performs.

Eddie: Got a thing for rabbits, eh?

Maroon: Kinda jumpy, aren't you, Valiant? It's just Dumbo.

Eddie: (takes the check) I know who it is.

Maroon: I got him on loan from Disney. Him and half the cast of Fantasia. The best part is, they work for peanuts!

Eddie: Forget it. I don't work Toontown.

Maroon: What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown.

Eddie: Then get Joe to do the job, 'cause I ain't going.

Roger: (sees pictures of Jessica playing pattycake with Acme) No! Not my Jessica! Not pattycake! This is impossible! I don't believe it! It can't be! It just can't be! Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! Jessica's the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The cream in my coffee.

Eddie: Well, you better start drinking it black. Acme's taking the cream now.

Eddie: (sneezes) Ah-choo!

Shadow: Gesundheit!

Eddie: Thank you.

(suddenly, he notices that Jessica is pointing a gun)

Jessica: Valiant!

(Eddie turns around, whilst unbeknownst to him, another shadow points his gun at him)

Eddie: I always knew I'd get it in Toontown.

Jessica: Behind you!

(she shoots the shadow, narrowly avoiding Eddie, and Doom's gun hits the ground)

Eddie: Drop it, lady!

Jessica: I just saved your life, and you still don't trust me?

Eddie: I don't trust anybody or anything!

Jessica: Not even your own eyes?

Eddie: A ladies' man, eh?

Baby Herman: The problem is I got a 50-year-old lust and a 3-year-old dinky.

Eddie: Yeah, must be tough.

Baby Herman: Look, Valiant, the rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer, I should know, he's a dear friend of mine. I tell ya Valiant, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. The papers said Acme left no will. That's a load of succotash. Any toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us toons. That will is the reason he got bumped off.

Eddie: Has anyone ever seen this will?

Baby Herman: Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.

Eddie: If you think that guy could do anything solemn, the gag's on you, pal.

Baby Herman: I just figured since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might wanna help get him out. I can pay ya.

Eddie: Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!

Baby Herman: No, wait! No! Valiant! No!

[Eddie pushes the stroller, knocks a woman over, Baby Herman's cigar falls to the floor]

Baby Herman: My stogie! (starts wailing)

Doom: (holds Roger over the Dip) Does the condemned have anything to say before his sentence is carried out?

Roger: Why, yeah--! (Doom chokes him so he can say nothing)

Eddie: (as Doom tries to force Roger into the Dip) Dolores. Bourbon. And make it a double.

Dolores: Fine time for a drink, Eddie! Maybe you'd like a bowl of pretzels to go with it?!

Eddie: Just pour the drink, Dolores. (after Dolores has poured the drink) HEY, JUDGE! (The Judge pauses and looks at Eddie, along with Roger) Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request?

Roger: Yeah! Nose plugs would be nice!

Eddie: I think you want a drink. (he holds up the glass and smiles suggestively) How about it, Judge?

Doom: Well, why not... I don't mind prolonging the execution.

Eddie: Happy Trails.

Roger: No, thanks Eddie, I'm tryin' to cut down.

Eddie: Drink the drink!

Roger: But I don't want the drink!

Doom: He doesn't want the drink.

Eddie: He does!

Roger: I don't!

Eddie: You do!

Roger: I don't!

Eddie: You do!

Roger: I don't!

Eddie: You do!

Roger: I don't!

Eddie: You don't.

Roger: I do!

Eddie: You don't!

Roger: I do!

Eddie: You don't!

Roger: (takes the drink) Listen! When I say "I do", that means I do!

[Eddie sneaks up on Maroon, surprising him]

Eddie: What's up, Doc?

Maroon: Valiant, what are you tryin' to do, gimme a heart attack?!

Eddie: You need a heart before you can have an attack.

Maroon: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got the will?

Eddie: Sure. I got the will. Question is, do you have the way? I can tell you now it ain't gonna come cheap.

Eddie: Maybe you can go downtown and check the probate.

Roger: Yeah! Check the probate! Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with his "probate", and he had to take these big pills, and drink lots of water.

Eddie: Not "prostate", you idiot! "Probate"!

Eddie: (after discovering Roger in his bed) How the hell did you get in here?!

Roger: Through the mailslot! I thought it'd be best if I waited inside, seeing as how I'm wanted for murder!

Eddie: No kidding! Just talking to you could get me a rap for aiding and abetting. Wait a minute! Anybody know you're here?

Roger: Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh--

Eddie: Who?

Roger: Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know! So I asked the fireman, the green grocerer, the butcher, the baker-- They didn't know! But the liquor store guy, he knew.

Eddie: And now the whole damn town knows you're here!

Eddie: So why come to me? I'm the guy that took the pictures of ya wife!

Roger: Yeah! And you're also the guy who helps all these toons! Everyone knows when a toon's in trouble, there's only one place to go: Valiant and Valiant.

Eddie: Not anymore. (Roger begins to sit in the chair opposite) GET OUTTA THAT CHAIR! (Roger gets off the chair) That's my brother's chair.

Roger: Yeah. Where is your brother, anyway? He looks like a sensitive and sober fellow.

Eddie: That's it. I'm callin' the cops.

Roger: Go ahead! Call the cops! I come here for help, and what do you do? Ya turn me in! No, no! Don't feel guilty about me. So long! And thanks for nothin'! (slams the door)

Eddie: That's the closet! Stupe! (he walks up to the closet door and opens it, only to be handcuffed by Roger)

Roger: Eddie Valiant, you're under arrest! Bl-bl-bl-bl--

Eddie: Get outta there! (he drags Roger out) Idiot. I got no keys to these cuffs!

(Eddie and Roger hear sirens and look out the window, where they find out that the Weasels have arrived)

Roger: YAAAAAAAA!!! It's the toon patrol! Hide me, Eddie! P-P-P-P-PLEAAAAAAAASE! (he starts running around the room, dragging Eddie into all kinds of things, eventually diving into a drawer) Remember, you never saw me!

Eddie: GET OUTTA THERE!!

Roger: Don't let 'em find me! (clasps his hands, begging) Come on, Eddie, you're my only hope!

Smart Ass: (bangson the door) Open up in the name of da law!

Roger: Please, Eddie! You know there's no justice for toons anymore! If the weasels get their hands on me, I'm as good as dipped!

Smart Ass: Look, Valiant, we just want the Rabbit.

Roger: What are we gonna do, Eddie? What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?!

Eddie: What's all this "we" stuff? They just want the Rabbit.

Bongo (Ink and Paint club bouncer): [catches Eddie peeping through the dressing room keyhole, watching Jesica and Mr. Acme playing patty-cake] What do you think you're doin', chump?!

Eddie: Who are you callin' a chump, chimp?

[Eddie gets thrown out]

Bongo: And don't lemme catch your peepin' face around here again! Got it?! [slams the door]

Eddie: [lifts his arms to scratch his armpits like a monkey] Ooga-booga!

Eddie: Weren't you the one I caught playing patty-cake with old man Acme?

Jessica: You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those pictures.

Eddie: What are you talking about?

Jessica: Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but he said that if I didn't pose for those patty-cake pictures, Roger would never work in this town again. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant. Anything. [presses her chest against Eddie's with a "thump"]

Eddie: What a wife.

Jessica: You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.

Eddie: You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.

Jessica: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.

Eddie: Seriously, what do you see in that guy?

Jessica: He makes me laugh.

Daffy: I've worked with a lot of with the quackers, but you are desssspicable!

Donald: Doggone stubborn little--that did it! A-a-a-gh!

Daffy: This is the last time I work with someone with a sssspeech impediment!

Donald: Oh, yeah?!

[he shuts Daffy in a piano]

Daffy: This-s means-s war!

[Marvin Acme squirts ink from his pen on Eddie's shirt and laughs]

Eddie: Wait. You think that's funny?

Acme: Oh, it's a panic!

Eddie: [grabs Acme by the lapels] You won't think it's funny when I stick that pen up your nose!

Acme: Now, calm down son, will ya? Look. The stain's gone, it's disappearing ink.

[The stain disappears]

Acme: No hard feelings, I hope. Look, I'm--

Eddie: I know who you are. Marvin Acme. The guy that owns Toontown. The Gag King.

Acme: If it's Acme, it's a gasser. Put it there, pal.

(he and Eddie shake hands, but Eddie vibrates)

Acme: (reveals what caused the vibration) The hand buzzer. Still our biggest sella! (laughs)

Bongo: Got the password?

Eddie: Walt sent me.

[Bongo opens the door]

Eddie: Nice monkey suit.

Bongo: Wise ass!

Eddie: You crazy rabbit! I'm out there riskin' my neck for you, and what are you doin'!? Singin' and dancin'!

Roger: But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh!

Eddie: (shouts) SIT DOWN!

Roger: You don't understand! Those people needed to laugh.

Eddie: Yeah, and when they done laughin', they'll call the cops! That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel!

Roger: Not Angelo! He'd never turn me in.

Eddie: Why?! Because you made him laugh?

Roger: That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.

Dolores: Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie. You know what happens here on Friday?

Eddie: Fish special?

Dolores: You know my boss check the books on Friday. If I don't have that money I gave you back in the till, I'm gonna lose my job.

Eddie: Don't bust a button, Dolores. You only have one left.

Angelo: So who's your client, Mr. Detective-to-the-Stars? Chilly Willy? Or Screwy Squirrel?

Dolores: What'll it be?

Angelo: I'll have a beer, doll. So what happened, huh? Somebody kidnapped Dinky Doodle?

Dolores: Cut it out, Angelo.

Angelo: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, I've got it. You're working for Little Bo Peep. She's lost her sheep, and you're gonna help her find them, huh?

[He laughs; Eddie kicks his seat out from under him and grabs him by the neck]

Eddie: Get this straight, meatball! I don't work for toons!

[He stuffs a hard-boiled egg in Angelo's mouth and storms off]

Angelo: [spits out the egg] So what's his problem?

Dolores: A toon killed his brother.

Angelo: What?

Dolores: Dropped a piano on his head.

Angelo: Hey, I seen a rabbit.

Doom: Where?

[Roger gasps]

Eddie: Ya see?

Doom: Where?

Angelo: He's right here in the bar. [puts his arm around an imaginary friend] Well, say hello,... Harvey.

[The whole bar erupts in laughter]

Roger: I told you so.

Smart Ass: Say, Judge. You want we should "disresemble" the place?

Doom: No, Sergeant. Disassembling the place won't be necessary. The rabbit is going to come right to me.

[he taps "Shave and a Haircut" on counter]

Doom: No toon can resist the old Shave-and-a-Haircut trick. (taps "Shave and a Haircut" a few times)

Eddie: I don't know who's toonier; you or Doom.

[Roger starts freaking out]

Eddie: Roger!

[Doom taps "Shave and a Haircut"; Roger freaks out even more]

Eddie: Roger! Roger, no!

[Doom taps "Shave and a Haircut" again; Roger violently freaks out]

Doom: Shave and a haircut.

[Roger crashes through the wall]

Roger: 2 BITS!!

Maroon: What are you gonna do to me, Valiant?

Eddie: I'm gonna to listen to you spin the Cloverleaf scenario: The story of greed, sex and murder! And the parts that I don't like, I'm gonna edit out.

Maroon: You got it all wrong! I'm a cartoon maker! Not a murderer!

Eddie: Everybody's gotta have a hobby!

(he slips Maroon's tie onto the film roller)

Maroon: Oh! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! The truth is, I had a chance to sell my studio. But Cloverleaf wouldn't buy my property unless Acme sold him his. The stubborn bastard wouldn't sell! So I was gonna blackmail Acme with pictures of him and the Rabbit's wife. Blackmail! That's all! I've been around toons all my life! I didn't wanna see 'em destroyed!!

Eddie: Toons destroyed? Why?

Maroon: If I tell ya, I'm a dead man!

Eddie: You're a dead man if you don't tell me!

Maroon: Unless Acme's will shows by midnight tonight, Toontown's gonna be land for the free...!

(a gun shoots him, and nearly hits Eddie, but misses)

Doom: You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant?

Eddie: Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of the year.

Doom: I'm surprised you're not more cooperative, Mr. Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that?

Eddie: What's that?

Lt. Santino: Remember how they always thought there wasn't a way to kill a toon? Well, Doom found a way. Turpentine, acetone, benzene. He calls it the Dip!

Doom: I'll catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant. And I'll try him, convict him, and execute him. [dunks the shoe into the Dip, dissolving it completely]

Eddie: Jeez!

Greasy: [laughs] That's one dead shoe, eh, boss?

Doom: They're not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant. This is how we handle things down in Toontown. I think you of all people would appreciate that.

[Eddie is about to pick up the hand buzzer that fell off of Acme's corpse when Judge Doom stops him with his cane]

Doom: Is this man removing evidence from the scene of the crime?

Lt. Santino: Ah, no, Judge Doom. Valiant here was just picking it up for you. Weren't you, Eddie?

Doom: Hand it over.

Eddie: Sure thing. [zaps Doom with buzzer] Their number one seller.

Doom: I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you.

Eddie: I wasn't working for a toon. I was working for R.K. Maroon.

Doom: Yes, we talked to Mr. Maroon. He said the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures. The rabbit swore one way or another he and his wife were going to be happy. Is that true?

Eddie: Hey, pal. Do I look like a stenographer?

Lt. Santino: Shut your yap, Eddie. The man's a judge.

Doom: That's all right, Lieutenant. From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze talking.

Tweety Bird: Oh, look! Piggies.

Eddie: Hi, Tweety.

Tweety: (starts pulling Eddie's fingers off) This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home.

Eddie: No!

Tweety: This little piggy had roast beef. This little piggy had--

[Eddie screams as he falls down]

Tweety: Uh-oh. Ran out of piggies.

[Eddie falls; Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, both wearing parachutes, join him]

Bugs Bunny: Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumpin' without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it?

Eddie: Yeah.

Mickey Mouse: Yeah. You could get killed. Heh, heh.

Eddie: You guys got a spare?

Mickey: Uh, Bugs does.

Eddie: Yeah?

Bugs: Yeah, but I don't think you want it.

Eddie: I do! I do! Give it to me!

Mickey: Gee, better let him have it, Bugs.

Bugs: Okay, Doc. Whatever you say. (hands Eddie a bag with the spare) Here's the spare.

Eddie: Thank you.

[Mickey and Bugs deploy parachutes; Eddie pulls the ripcord on the "spare", but a car tire comes out.]

Eddie: Oh, no! (falls and lets go of the tire, screams)

Mickey: Aw, poor fella.

Bugs: Yeah. Ain't I a stinker?

Roger: What could have possibly happened to you to turn you into such a sourpuss?

Eddie: You wanna know? (Roger nods) I'll tell ya. A toon killed my brother.

Roger: (frightened) A toon? No.

Eddie: Yes, a toon. We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked workin' Toontown. Thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yukster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us. Literally. Dropped a piano on us from 15 stories. It broke my arm, Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standin' over me laughin', with those burnin' red eyes, and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that.

Roger: (sobs hysterically) No wonder you hate me! If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me, too.

Jessica: (sees her empty trunk) Oh, no! Where's Roger?

Eddie: Roger? He chickened out on me back at the studio.

Jessica: No, he didn't. I hit him in the head with a frying pan and put him in the trunk, so he wouldn't get hurt.

Eddie: Makes perfect sense.

Jessica: We're obviously not going anywhere in my car. Let's take yours.

Eddie: (his car is gone, as he looks at the place where it had crashed) I got a feeling someone already did.

Jessica: From the looks of it, I'd say it was Roger. My honey bunny was never very good behind the wheel.

Eddie: A better lover than a driver, huh?

Jessica: You better believe it, buster.

(Roger and Eddie enter the Toon Patrol paddy wagon)

Roger: Let's get outta here! What are you waitin' for?!

Eddie: There's no damn key!

Benny the Cab: (voice comes from the back) Hey, you weasels! Let me outta here, will ya?! Come on! I gotta make a livin'!

Roger: (looks in the back) Benny! Is that you?

Benny: No! It's Eleanor Roosevelt. Come on, Roger! Get me outta here!

(Roger squeezes into the back)

Roger: Eddie! We got ourselves a ride! Open the doors!

(Eddie pulls open the doors and Benny roars onto the street)

Benny: Ah, that's better! I can't believe they locked me up for drivin' on a sidewalk!

Roger: Come on, Eddie! Get in!

Benny: (shrugs) It was just a couple of miles.

Eddie: I'll drive.

Roger: But I wanna drive!

Benny: No! I'll drive. I'm the cab! OUTTA MY WAY, PENCIL NECK! (he executes a U-turn in the middle of the motorway and goes speeding off) And how about this weather, huh? It never rains!

(Roger, Eddie, and Benny are surrounded by the Weasels and the cops)

Benny: PULL THE LEVER!!!

Eddie: Which one?!

Roger: Which one?!

Benny: "Which one"?!! (he exposes a sign saying "This lever, stupid!", pointing to the right lever)

Smart Ass: I'm gonna ram 'em!

(Eddie pulls the lever, and Benny's chassy suddenly moves upwards on stilts; he drives over the cops, leaving them to crash into the weasels)

Benny: I'm gettin' too old for this!

(Roger, Eddie, and Benny narrowly escape the Weasels and the cops)

Roger: Jumpin' jeepers!

Benny: Hey, Roger, whattaya call the middle of a song?

Roger: Gee, I don't know. (reacts to...) A BRIIIIIIIIIDGE!!!

(Benny safely lands onto the bridge, and his chassy reverts to normal)

Benny: Well, fellas, where can I drop ya?

Roger: Somewhere we can hide.

Benny: I got just the place. And incidentally, if ya should ever need a ride, just stick out ya thumb! Hey! Share the road! Will ya, lady?!

Smart Ass: Look, Valiant. We got a reliable tip off. The rabbit was here. And it was corrogated by several others. So cut the "bull-schtick"!

Eddie: You keep talkin' like that, and I'm gonna have to watch your mouth out!

(he sticks a bar of soap into Smart Ass' mouth, prompting the rest of the Weasels to laugh hysterically)

Eddie: (after the weasels have left) They're gone.

Roger: Jeepers Eddie! You saved my life! How can I ever repay ya?

(he smooches Eddie on the lips, but Eddie forcefully shoves him off)

Eddie: For starters, don't ever kiss me again. (spits)

Eddie: D'you mean to tell me you could've taken your hand outta that cuff at any time?!

Roger: No. Not at any time. Only when it was funny.

Doom: (turns on the hose that releases the Dip into a tray for a demonstration) Can you guess what this is?

Jessica: Oh, my God! It's DIP!!

Doom: That's right, my dear! Enough to dip Toontown off the face of the earth!!! (exposes his machine) A vehicle of my own design. 5,000 gallons of heated dip, pumped at enormous velocity through a pressurized water cannon! Toontown will be erased in a matter of minutes.

Doom: Several months ago I had the good providence to stumble upon this plan of the city council's. A construction plan of epic proportions. They're calling it a freeway.

Eddie: Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?

Doom: Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.

Eddie: So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway? I don't get it.

Doom: Of course not. You lack vision. I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on, all day, all night. Soon, where Toontown once stood will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tire salons, automobile dealerships and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see! My God! It'll be beautiful.

Eddie: Come on! Nobody's gonna drive this lousy freeway when they can take the Red Car for a nickel.

Doom: Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to. You see, I bought the Red Car so I could dismantle it.

Roger: Okay, nobody move! All right, weasel, grab some sky or I'll let the judge have it! You heard me, I said drop it!

Jessica: Roger, darling!

Roger: That's right, my dear. I'd love to embrace you, but first, I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage!

Doom: Put that gun down, you buck-toothed fool!

Roger: That's it, Doom. Give me another excuse to pop you full of lead. So you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Ha! We toons may act idiotic, but we're not stupid. We demand justice. Why, the real meaning of the word probably hits you like a ton of bricks!

[A ton of rubber prop bricks falls on Roger, as it is cut down by Greasy]

Jessica: Roger! Roger, say something!

Roger: [stars appear, flying around his head] Look! Stars! Ready when you are, Raoul.

Doom: Tie the lovebirds together.

[Doom slips and falls on fake eyeballs, making the weasels laugh. After which Eddie tries to take the gun from Smart Ass.]

Doom: Look out, you fool!

Smart Ass: Not so fast.

Doom: One of these days, you idiots are gonna laugh yourselves to death!

["Ping"; Eddie now has an idea].

Smart Ass: Shall I repose of Valiant right now, boss?

Doom: Let him watch his toon friends get dipped, then shoot him.

Smart Ass: With pleasure. [laughs]

Eddie: Everything's funny to you ain't it, needle nose?

Smart Ass:: You got a problem with that, Valiant?

Eddie: Nah. I just want you to know something about the guy you're gonna dip!

(calliope begins playing "The Merry Go Round Broke Down")

Eddie: Now, Roger is his name.

Laughter is his game.

Come on, you dope!

Untie his rope,

and watch him go insane!

(he does slapstick pratfalls to make the weasels laugh)

Jessica: He's lost his mind.

Roger: I don't think so!

Eddie: This singin' ain't my line.

It's tough to make a rhyme.

If I get stuck...

I-I'm outta luck... Uh...

Jessica: I'm running out of time!

Eddie: Thanks!

(more pratfalls; some weasels start literally "dying" of laughter)

Roger: Hey, Eddie, keep it up! You're killin' 'em! You're slayin' 'em! You're knockin' 'em dead!

Eddie: I'm through with takin' falls!

I'm bouncin' off the walls!

Without that gun,

I'd have some fun.

I'd kick you in the--!

(he gets hit in head hard with vase)

Eddie: OW!

Roger: Nose!

Smart Ass: "Nose"?! That don't rhyme with "walls"!

Eddie: (gets back on his feet) No. But this does!

(he kicks Smart Ass in the groin, sending him flying and screaming into the Dip Mixer, which then dissolves him)

[after being flattened by a steamroller, Doom springs back up on his feet]

Eddie: Holy smoke! He's a toon!

Doom: Surprised?!

Eddie: Not really. That lame-brain freeway idea could only be cooked up by a toon.

Doom: Not just a toon!

(he reinflates himself; his hat is blown away and his fake eyes fall to the floor, revealing his true, red eyes, to Eddie's surprise)

Doom: Remember me, Eddie?! (voice gets more squeaky every second) When I killed your brother, I talked (voice reaches screaming point) just... like... THIS!!!

[the Toons gather around the remains of the melted Doom]

Mickey: Gosh! Uh, I wonder who he really was.

Bugs: I'll tell you one thing, Doc. He weren't no rabbit.

Daffy Duck: Or a duck.

Goofy: Or a dog.

Pinocchio: Or a little wooden boy.

Big Bad Wolf: [Comes out of sheep's clothing] Or a sheep.

Woody Woodpecker: Or a woodpecker.

Sylvester: Or a pussycat.

Lt. Santino: Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme.

Eddie: And R.K. Maroon. And my brother.

Lt. Santino: That's what I call one seriously disturbed toon.

Cast

Bob Hoskins - Eddie Valiant
Christopher Lloyd - Baron von Rotton a.k.a. "Judge Doom"
Joanna Cassidy - Dolores
Charles Fleischer - Roger Rabbit/Benny The Cab/Greasy/Psycho (voice)
Stubby Kaye - Marvin Acme
Alan Tilvern - R.K. Maroon
Richard LeParmentier - Lt. Santino
Lou Hirsch - Baby Herman (voice)
Joel Silver - Raoul
Kathleen Turner - Jessica Rabbit (voice; uncredited)
Amy Irving - Jessica Rabbit (singing)

Quoternity